Sissy porn and lifestyle is killing me. HELP

B

BigOwl44

Fapstronaut
Out of desperation I am making this post because I've done the unthinkable and I feel like I am running out of options. Also, trigger warning for anyone else dealing with this sissy hell like I am. I've been addicted to porn since I was about in middle school and now I am 24. It first escalated to watching trans porn and then I eventually found sissy porn. I've never had sex with a woman so this kind of adds to this equation. About a year and a half ago, I got laid off and dipped into sissy porn MUCH harder then I ever had before (most likely from all of the time I had and self isolation): bought lingerie, dildos, butt plugs, everything. Porn went from just jerking off to real life stuff. It all came crashing down when I bought a motel room to have a guy come sleep with me and it hit me what this sissy porn had escalated to. I left immediately and purged everything. Cut porn and masturbating cold turkey for about a month and a half. Started lifting weights, taking care of myself, and everything was going pretty good. Until I relapsed again...

Same thing: bought everything all over again, except this time it was more calculated. Acutely aware of what I was doing and the self destruction I was voluntarily partaking in, I just continued to watch sissy stuff, jerk off, and play with dildos until one day the post orgasm guilt got to to me so bad that I was very angry at myself and actively screaming "FUCK SISSY PORN" while trying to destroy and rip apart all of my stupid stuff I had bought. I purged a second time and tried another reboot. This one was much harder though. I went two months without looking at porn but was still masturbating. During this reboot, I had the question in my mind "what if I am actually just trans?". That made it much harder to just focus on rebooting. I broke my streak in November after two months. But it didn't really get too out of had because I was focusing pretty hard on school. Then I graduated college cum laude with a BA and moved to Montana to work a ski resort for the winter season. This were going as great as they've ever been. I LOVE snowboarding so i was basically in heaven everyday. But then coronavirus ended my season early and had to move back home only after two months.

This is where things took a turn for the absolute worst. The process started all over again. I purchased everything again (I've spent so much damn money on this). I started doing everything again but then reached a small point where I was tired of it so I finally reached out to some close friends and told them what I was struggling with and began another reboot attempt but I didn't purge. This only lasted 8 days and then I relapsed as hard as I ever had in my life: starving myself to get a slim/petite body, shaved my body, and my hair has been growing out for about a year and half now so that was girly. Plus I also have fairly nice skin and a feminine face so I just went off the deep end. Also, my post orgasm shame has been fading recently which is absolutely terrifying because that has always been a panic button when I'm about to do something super regretful. I put an add up on Doubles List to get with a guy and got like over forty replies. This was like a drug I had never experienced in my entire life. I got dolled up and eventually ended up with a guy and slept with him last night. This is a regret. I purged everything again the second I left the motel room. But what I am so scared about is that I didn't entirely hate it. That combined with me feeling less shame after orgasms makes me think, what is going to stop this? And even today, the morning after doing it and purging everything, I want to do more. I want to post another add. I feel like I've reached a point where I cannot tell anyone I know that I've done this. I slept with a man before I have slept with a woman. I have to live with this the rest of my life. I feel like I've let everyone down: family, friends, myself. People that know me look at me and think that I'm just normal, but it is just so far from the truth. And I just cant seem to find an antidote for this. Anybody have any words on this? What should I do?
 
Mate, you need help!

We are here to help and support you in overcoming this problem. But you need to keep reaching out, keep engaging with us.

Understand that this is a mental illness, a learning disorder, you are repeatedly committing serious acts of self-harm.

What you are experiencing is called gender dysphoria. Did you experience anything like this before you began using pornography?

Are you sexually attracted to men in real life?

Do you take any drugs to help you become this "sissy" character?
 
BigOwl44 said:
Out of desperation I am making this post because I've done the unthinkable and I feel like I am running out of options. Also, trigger warning for anyone else dealing with this sissy hell like I am. I've been addicted to porn since I was about in middle school and now I am 24. It first escalated to watching trans porn and then I eventually found sissy porn. I've never had sex with a woman so this kind of adds to this equation. About a year and a half ago, I got laid off and dipped into sissy porn MUCH harder then I ever had before (most likely from all of the time I had and self isolation): bought lingerie, dildos, butt plugs, everything. Porn went from just jerking off to real life stuff. It all came crashing down when I bought a motel room to have a guy come sleep with me and it hit me what this sissy porn had escalated to. I left immediately and purged everything. Cut porn and masturbating cold turkey for about a month and a half. Started lifting weights, taking care of myself, and everything was going pretty good. Until I relapsed again...

Same thing: bought everything all over again, except this time it was more calculated. Acutely aware of what I was doing and the self destruction I was voluntarily partaking in, I just continued to watch sissy stuff, jerk off, and play with dildos until one day the post orgasm guilt got to to me so bad that I was very angry at myself and actively screaming "FUCK SISSY PORN" while trying to destroy and rip apart all of my stupid stuff I had bought. I purged a second time and tried another reboot. This one was much harder though. I went two months without looking at porn but was still masturbating. During this reboot, I had the question in my mind "what if I am actually just trans?". That made it much harder to just focus on rebooting. I broke my streak in November after two months. But it didn't really get too out of had because I was focusing pretty hard on school. Then I graduated college cum laude with a BA and moved to Montana to work a ski resort for the winter season. This were going as great as they've ever been. I LOVE snowboarding so i was basically in heaven everyday. But then coronavirus ended my season early and had to move back home only after two months.

This is where things took a turn for the absolute worst. The process started all over again. I purchased everything again (I've spent so much damn money on this). I started doing everything again but then reached a small point where I was tired of it so I finally reached out to some close friends and told them what I was struggling with and began another reboot attempt but I didn't purge. This only lasted 8 days and then I relapsed as hard as I ever had in my life: starving myself to get a slim/petite body, shaved my body, and my hair has been growing out for about a year and half now so that was girly. Plus I also have fairly nice skin and a feminine face so I just went off the deep end. Also, my post orgasm shame has been fading recently which is absolutely terrifying because that has always been a panic button when I'm about to do something super regretful. I put an add up on Doubles List to get with a guy and got like over forty replies. This was like a drug I had never experienced in my entire life. I got dolled up and eventually ended up with a guy and slept with him last night. This is a regret. I purged everything again the second I left the motel room. But what I am so scared about is that I didn't entirely hate it. That combined with me feeling less shame after orgasms makes me think, what is going to stop this? And even today, the morning after doing it and purging everything, I want to do more. I want to post another add. I feel like I've reached a point where I cannot tell anyone I know that I've done this. I slept with a man before I have slept with a woman. I have to live with this the rest of my life. I feel like I've let everyone down: family, friends, myself. People that know me look at me and think that I'm just normal, but it is just so far from the truth. And I just cant seem to find an antidote for this. Anybody have any words on this? What should I do?
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This is a situation very similar to mine, out of fear of being shamed or rejected I've never seen a therapist.
 
Candun said:
You won't be shamed or rejected at all by a therapist and its completely confidential. It would be like a dentist rejecting and shaming you for chipping your tooth.
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Its more of a family thing, my family is very conservative and religious.
 
Dude, I slept with a guy this year. I was 24 (now am 25), and I'm still a girl virgin. I felt terrible too, as it is not easy to accept, it is like a battle you lost. Furthermore, the world is so prejudiced and we couldn't avoid feeling guilty for this. But we have the option of being open minded, and I learned to consider this as a gift. I was afraid of having gay relationships as I still plan to have children in the future, and this was mainly because I think I would be ashamed if I discovered my parents had their own homo experiences. I thought that my kids would be ashamed of me if they knew, and living in the covers is a coward way of living. I still don't talk openly about the path I took, but I learned (and am learning) to be proud of it. Everybody in the world is struggling with their own problems, and so are we. Ours are just different. It is not a shame, the world taught us we should be ashamed, however we must not allow it destroy us. If you wanna talk, I'm open to you, just don't feel you are alone. And, as the guys above stated, going to a therapist is never a bad idea. I had 12 sessions last year, it was my first time, and it had always something to add. As long as you can pay for it. Keep on fighting, you're going to make it.
 
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Sir Thomas Browne said:
Mate, you need help!

We are here to help and support you in overcoming this problem. But you need to keep reaching out, keep engaging with us.

Understand that this is a mental illness, a learning disorder, you are repeatedly committing serious acts of self-harm.

What you are experiencing is called gender dysphoria. Did you experience anything like this before you began using pornography?

Are you sexually attracted to men in real life?

Do you take any drugs to help you become this "sissy" character?
Click to expand...
Thank you for commenting. Literally all I want is just some people to know about this and talk about it. It's hard dealing with it alone in my head. It's hard to say. I've been watching porn got a long time so it's probably effected me badly. I thought about it for a while
Sir Thomas Browne said:
Mate, you need help!

We are here to help and support you in overcoming this problem. But you need to keep reaching out, keep engaging with us.

Understand that this is a mental illness, a learning disorder, you are repeatedly committing serious acts of self-harm.

What you are experiencing is called gender dysphoria. Did you experience anything like this before you began using pornography?

Are you sexually attracted to men in real life?

Do you take any drugs to help you become this "sissy" character?
Click to expand...
Thank you for your reply. Makes it easier knowing I'm not going through it alone. I feel like I've had a few signs that I could be trans but nothing major. Like, I always had my hair long from about 4th grade till I graduated high school, I remember trying crossdressing once or twice before discovering porn. I crossdressed allot more after watching porn. And I feel like I always was super self aware all throughout middle and high school. Also never really dated much in high school either. I never necessarily felt bad about being a male and to this day I'm more comfortable living as a man.
In no way have I ever been sexually attracted to men. there is probably a book of reasons why I have this sissy attraction but it definitely isn't because I've ever looked at a man in real life and wanted to have sex with him. I'm attracted to women. I desire a relationship with a girl.
And also no I don't go any drugs to achieve my "sissy" persona. That IS the drug. It is absolutely infatuating and I have that I like it.
 
BigOwl44 said:
Until I relapsed again...

Same thing: bought everything all over again
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You know you are addicted when something harms you but you keep doing it and go back it over and over again.
BigOwl44 said:
This was like a drug I had never experienced in my entire life.
Click to expand...
A coping mechanism. Most of the stories have 1 thing in common. A bad childhood. Sometimes it's a missing dad or a bad family and self-isolation. Lose of self-worth and many other things... a child will always find a way to cover/cope with his/her problems even if it's by destroying themselves or getting a twisted mind.

BigOwl44 said:
But what I am so scared about is that I didn't entirely hate it.
Click to expand...
Oh trust me you hate. But your brain gives the highest dopamine reward for keeping your race alive... orgasm. And you (like every porn addicted) trained your brain to make your brain still consider that action even if it harms yourself because you found a way to get "high reward" feelings with no effort and no chance to get hurt (rejection).

BigOwl44 said:
I want to do more.
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You do realize that you are abusing your natural reward system to cope with deep psychological problems right?
Fun fact: A rat who gets its brain stimulated to get dopamine by pulling a lever will keep pulling that lever even if it starves to death.
BigOwl44 said:
I have to live with this the rest of my life.
Click to expand...
Yes you have to live with the fact that you were suffering so much and tried to escape life and your problems. Being weak is nothing to be afraid of.... but being a coward is. In order to change you need to accept that you did that. You can't change who you are if you don't accept who you are. Oh don't you think I was brave my entire life. I ran away until I was at the breaking point. I hit rock bottom but it was the same moment when I decided that I will fight through this hell (depression and some other things) and find a way out.
BigOwl44 said:
What should I do?
Click to expand...
Start psychological therapy.

BigOwl44 said:
Anybody have any words on this?
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Yes. Welcome to NoFap. Welcome to hell :)
 
BigOwl44 said:
What should I do?
Click to expand...

Be kind to yourself, @BigOwl44. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess a great many of us here have, at some point in our lives, become so caught up in this addiction that we've done things we later regretted. Done things that later made us ask, 'Who am I? What the heck have I done?' I know I have.

And having given yourself a bit of a break, turn your attention toward stopping your use of pornography. This may, of course, be much more complicated and difficult that the words suggest, but slowing and stopping your porn use - and beginning to address whatever might be fuelling it - is, in my experience, your base task here. Once you've started to address this, you can attend some of those other matters you raise above: gay, bi, trans, and so on.

Again, be kind. And do the next right thing...
 
AddBis said:
Dude, I slept with a guy this year. I was 24 (now am 25), and I'm still a girl virgin. I felt terrible too, as it is not easy to accept, it is like a battle you lost. Furthermore, the world is so prejudiced and we couldn't avoid feeling guilty for this. But we have the option of being open minded, and I learned to consider this as a gift. I was afraid of having gay relationships as I still plan to have children in the future, and this was mainly because I think I would be ashamed if I discovered my parents had their own homo experiences. I thought that my kids would be ashamed of me if they knew, and living in the covers is a coward way of living. I still don't talk openly about the path I took, but I learned (and am learning) to be proud of it. Everybody in the world is struggling with their own problems, and so are we. Ours are just different. It is not a shame, the world taught us we should be ashamed, however we must not allow it destroy us. If you wanna talk, I'm open to you, just don't feel you are alone. And, as the guys above stated, going to a therapist is never a bad idea. I had 12 sessions last year, it was my first time, and it had always something to add. As long as you can pay for it. Keep on fighting, you're going to make it.
Click to expand...

Thats nearly exactly how I feel. Especially the part about my future wife and kids. This is something that I cannot NOT tell my future wife. That is going to be such a tough conversation but a very necessary one. Thank you for empathizing with my story. Makes me feel less isolated.
 
BigOwl44 said:
Thats nearly exactly how I feel. Especially the part about my future wife and kids. This is something that I cannot NOT tell my future wife. That is going to be such a tough conversation but a very necessary one. Thank you for empathizing with my story. Makes me feel less isolated.
Click to expand...
Yo can I dm you, I feel like we have some problems in common
 
Tryingto said:
Be kind to yourself, @BigOwl44. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess a great many of us here have, at some point in our lives, become so caught up in this addiction that we've done things we later regretted. Done things that later made us ask, 'Who am I? What the heck have I done?' I know I have.

And having given yourself a bit of a break, turn your attention toward stopping your use of pornography. This may, of course, be much more complicated and difficult that the words suggest, but slowing and stopping your porn use - and beginning to address whatever might be fuelling it - is, in my experience, your base task here. Once you've started to address this, you can attend some of those other matters you raise above: gay, bi, trans, and so on.

Again, be kind. And do the next right thing...
Click to expand...
I'm pretty aware of this addiction. I recognized that the first time I tried NoFap. The problem is that I have nearly lost control of my own actions. A certain part of me takes over. Like, I feel like I have stared down things that I ABSOLUTELY know are terrrrrible for me, yet do them. Its like jekyll and hyde or something. Its nearly like a possession. The idea of just trying to stop watching porn with how things are going right now is like trying to save a burning house with a bucket of water. I think therapy is the answer. This thread/comments in and of itself is helping so thank you!
 
This was a really solid post, you did a good job putting your issue into perspective @BigOwl44
I'm kind of in the same mental situation with trans porn and recently a few gay thoughts slipping through from time to time. I haven't gone to the extremes you have (just porn), and I'm not really ashamed of my current habits/sexual preferences. But I still want to end this behavior because of how destructive it is. It sounds like doing this alone is going to be extremely hard, but of course you should never stop trying. You need to get allies on your side - people on this site who are also suffering with the Sissy stuff, therapists, and possibly friends like you said you've reached out to before.

The way out of this hole is stopping the behavior altogether and giving your best shot at a reboot, but you also need to have some source of motivation in your life - a goal or a desire (preferably a non-sexual one) that you feel energized to work towards. These doubting thoughts (ie. "well it's kind of fun", "I don't feel like I want to stop") are the same kinds of thoughts I've been having lately, and they will absolutely destroy your reboot. You cannot have any doubts. So as soon as you start imagining scenarios in your head or fantasizing, get rid of these thoughts immediately.
 
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