Sissy porn and lifestyle is killing me. HELP

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by BigOwl44, Jul 26, 2020.

  1. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    I am not throwing out the idea that I could be trans or am just something different entirely. And I have considered all of the shame that I feel because of the what I think my family and friends my think if they knew about this part of my life and what I might be. What I just dont know about is what the true me is. If somehow I am trans, I would learn to accept it and seek it further. But I dont know if I am and I am nearly 100% sure porn has warped my mind to be something I am not. I would be okay with being trans, but that is absent of porn. I am okay with any kind of person I am so long as it is absent of porn and sexual addiction. BUT right now I dont want to focus on the idea of "maybe I'm a transvestite or trans" because if I am not, then thinking these things during a NoFap recovery/reboot will surely not help and keep me in this questioning state of mind. Basically, I just want to focus on being normal for the time being because if I am not normal, that wont change after a reboot, but at least I will know with more certainty.
     
    The Symbol of Hope likes this.
  2. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    That sounds like playing with fire. I feel like I've gotten to a point where to avoid a relapse, I have to distance myself far from porn and that entire side of things because I dont really have the self control to not let watching normal porn slip back into watching sissy or trans porn. Even watching normal porn, my mind still can wander into fantasizing about being the girl in it. Thats actually what kind of happened with my first relapse. I was roughly a month and a half in of no PMO. I was SO horny from no O release and wanted to have sex with a woman so badly so went onto some 'adult friends finder' websites to see if I could hookup with a chick cuz I thought "its not sissy or trans porn so its fine right?". That ended with me watching regular porn and breaking my streak and that slowly slid back to sissy/trans porn. But after that Month and a half, my sexual thoughts were nearly entirely of women with there rarely being a sissy thought at all. I just caved and busted my streak.
     
    The Symbol of Hope likes this.
  3. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    That arousal that you described is VERY accurate of why I think I enjoy sissy/trans porn. If somehow this could be done with a faceless man, no strings or attachments, that would be the best option. During my second attempt a reboot, I watched a lot of MtF trans people talk about their experience and tried to see if there were any parallels with my own. But half the time watching them, I could relate on a few things, but it always felt like I was trying to contort the memory of my own experiences to fit the bill to be trans. I havent been watching or researching any of that lately simply because I just want to get away from all of it for right now. Today, I feel a little different. There are times where I am very confident in who I am as a person and as a man and want to better that self. But there are hiccups when I either doubt myself or am in the middle of conversations where I am trying to fit in as a guy. But I cant tell if that is just normal self doubt that everyone has or if it is those same thoughts that trans people have had. I'd say most of the time I am comfortable as the man that I am. But occasionally there are those doubts that creep in.
     
    The Symbol of Hope likes this.
  4. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    Dang you wrote a book on this!! I will ABSOLUTELY use your journals as a resource. Thank you!!
     
    Roady likes this.
  5. DrabToLight

    DrabToLight Fapstronaut

    238
    2,478
    123
    I think you are misunderstanding me.

    What I am saying is that there is a BIG DIFFERENCE between transsexual and transvestite.

    Seeking a therapist is not admitting you are either kind of trans. It is seeking help to figure out what is really going on.
     
  6. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    Oh. What are the terms of being a transvestite though? I only really find pleasure from it if I am totally fem. As in, shave, thin bodied, eyebrows plucked, m
     
  7. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    Think my comment got cut off.

    Oh. What are the terms of being a transvestite though? I only really find pleasure from it if I am totally fem. As in, shaved, thin bodied, eyebrows plucked, long hair and just full fem. If I'm my normal self, muscular, hairy chested, bearded, and just a normal dude, wearing women's clothes honestly seems kind of disgusting to me. Cuz then I'm just a man wearing women's clothes. I have to get that full persona for it to be arousing
     
  8. DrabToLight

    DrabToLight Fapstronaut

    238
    2,478
    123
    Why do some big hairy men like to wear women's clothes? I have no idea. Because I'm not a psychologist. However, if a man wants to wear women's clothes, that is not disgusting and who cares?

    My point in that post was to clarify the difference between transsexual and transvestite.

    As a straight man, I don't understand why some people are gay, why some straight men prefer heavy women over thin ones, why some men are insecure about their height. Nevertheless, there it is and it's true.
     
  9. growpotatoes

    growpotatoes Fapstronaut

    In my case,
    - I'm very sensitive - and I hate that, I'm always trying to "hide" it, can't handle emotions...
    - I'm prone to OCD and overthinking
    - I'm thin
    - Since puberty I've always felt "crushed", emasculated in the presence of my father. Same feeling with most guys, so it developed into a special kind of social anxiety (not mere shyness)

    Given all this, it's not surprising that I've developed the sissy kink, independent of porn. OCD and shameful feelings (yeah, social judgement doesn't help) make it particularly overwhelming at times. It tends to vanish away when I feel good about my life. It shoots up whenever I'm anxious, depressed, and can't escape uncomfortable social interactions. Usually, being around girls magically restores my "normal self". But if I don't get this kind of fix in a while, I can get pretty close to thinking that my "true self" is transgender.

    So for me the sissy fantasies are just an aspect (probably the most disturbing) of a broader psychological package that ruins my life. I want to end it pretty often.
     
  10. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    I can certainly relate to feeling emasculated when around some guys. Either I don't feel quite as "manly", seemingly have less confidence, or overthink things (i do that ALLOT). I think though that we have to realize that we are the men that we are. Something's we cannot change and these seemingly less "manly" things like being skinny or the endless list of insecurities that we as guys feel doesn't mean we are Sissy's. We've let this fetish tell us that. We have to accept who we are. And I don't think that's just a switch you can flip. It takes time. We have to constantly remind ourselves. You being skinny doesn't mean you're destined to be a sissy. You are the man you are. How you are. And that's a good thing
     
    The Symbol of Hope likes this.
  11. You're smart mate. How's your reboot going?
     
  12. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    It's had it's ups and downs. I PMO'd yesterday which is obv bad. But I'm learning to not let it completely drag me down. In the past I've made it a huge deal and have let breaking my streak make me spiral back into the deep end. But now I'm trying to just recognize that I might lose this battle many times. Just can't let it break my spirit in the long haul.
    On another note, someone in this thread brought up the idea that regular/straight porn might actually be good to reverse how my brain has been wired by sissy porn. I originally was apposed to this idea but it's recently sparked my interest coz so many (nearly all of them) of my fantasies now are sissy stuff because I've exclusively been watching sissy porn for about a year now. Will watching regular porn lessen my sissy thoughts? Anyone reading this thread have any thoughts?
     
    The Symbol of Hope likes this.
  13. g2stop

    g2stop Fapstronaut

    2,485
    1,996
    143
    Is there a correlation between high speed Internet porn and the increase in number of trans identifying people
     
    PrioritySystem likes this.
  14. BigOwl44

    BigOwl44 Fapstronaut

    20
    29
    13
    Probably. There are more people coming out as trans now than ever before. The internet and pornography probably have something to do with it
     
  15. Did you M with P? I think it might work, Sissy has conditioned you to get that high from sissy porn, so redirecting your sexual energy towards women may work
     
  16. Liberation111

    Liberation111 Fapstronaut

    167
    111
    43
    I don’t have your experiences but the feelings you have I know. One thing that helped me after blaming myself and being ashamed and judging was not to judge anymore. Accept that this is how I am and not fight this fight anymore. This relaxed the situation a lot and I could see things and realize other things that were important on my way that I couldn’t see before that further helped me turn the situation. Then as time went by many of these things I judged myself so hard for fell then off naturally and I could gradually form my life more and more. This whole addiction thing is tough but it’s also a chance to find out a lot about oneself. I am convinced everyone who steadily goes on regardless how tough it is and is willing to honestly look at oneself will find many important keys.
     
  17. You don't need porn to be trans. So if you recovered from porn addiction, found yourself and still identify as trans that's alright.
    But deciding this while not knowing who you are or having a clear mind is a bad way to make decisions.
     
  18. You are choosing the right paths on your own as far as I can see. ;)
     
  19. YES!!! FREE YOURSELF FROM THE ADDICTION! When you joined you probably wasn't sure if there was way back but look at you now!
    This is recovery because you don't seek the porn per se but instead want to seek human "connection". There is one sentence I won't forget.
    The Opposite of Addiction is Connection
     
  20. That is normal. Don't forget that this is an addiction you are dealing with. It will take some time.
    Also it's natural to have doubts. So doubt if you are good enough for something.
    But in the end... it's not up to that doubt to make your decision, is it?
    You really made so much progress. I am really impressed :)
     

Share This Page