Sleeping beside my wife

My wife and I usually go to bed together and get up at the same time too. She generally needs more sleep, but both of us sleep better when we are together in bed.

A problem I have been having recently is with negative thought patterns and an inability to sleep if we are not physically intimate before bed. We make love most nights, or something similar, and she has even been happy to do 'favours' for me if she is not in the mood for stimulation herself. I sleep so well after this, completely content as we hold each other and drift off together. When she is more tired, however, she will decline to make love or to stimulate me and just want to go straight to sleep. Wanting to respect her right to choose what she wants and does not want to do, and when etc, I agree to this, but then I am left wide awake in the dark, horny, resentful and feeling trapped in the situation. Old reasoning comes back and makes me feel like PMOing, or makes me feel frustrated and angry that I am even considering it: before coming to the realisation that PMO was unacceptable in our relationship and deciding not to engage in it, I could simply deal with my horniness myself and be able to fall asleep afterwards. Of course that is not what I want, and I would have similar feelings of frustration and resentment at her rejection, just accompanied by the guilt of having PMOed. Nevertheless the thoughts and frustrations spiral away and I end up tossing and turning, keeping both of us up.

I've come downstairs to read because doing so in bed is keeping her up. I feel bad that my own (perceived?) need for intimacy, the way I express it, and the thought patterns I end up in after a rejection, are rather selfish and immature. We have had sex today already, in yhe early afternoon, and it was great, but my appetite for sex and my capacity to enjoy it several times a day is not matched by an equal enthusiasm from her. I do want more, and I am grumpy that she does not. And I'm annoyed at myself for getting annoyed at her rejection, instead of just enjoying a cuddle as we fall asleep together.

I am hoping that, further into my recovery, I will be able to settle and calm my mind in such situations more effectively and without what is basically a sulk. I can already recognise that the way I feel now is infinitely preferable to how I feel when I reset/relapse, and that remembering to appreciate what I have with my wife is enough will be a better strategy than ruminating and sulking. I have it so good: We have sex most days and engage in loving, meaningful, explorative and mutually enjoyable lovemaking. I have a partner that wants me to be happy and wants to please me. Just like a child needs to learn not to indulge in too many sweets so they don't risk being sick, I need to stop, take a moment to think, and just make do with the sex i am having before my gluttony (or lust, depending on how far we want to extend this metaphor) pushes my wife away and I sour our intimacy.

I would appreciate advice from others on how to ensure a sensible response to late night rejection and just enjoying a hug, and drifting happily off to sleep. (Rather than the verbal acceptance if the situation followed by internal frustrations and negative thinking).

Writing this has already helped me put things back into perspective somewhat, and i am more tired than before. Another piece of evidence that posting on nofap is an effective way to deal with urges and all the emotions and so on associated with kicking a bad habit. I'm looking forward to falling asleep next to the warmth if my wife with a tired and content head, free of silly resentments and incessant lust.

 

Thanks. This is good advice, and i know there's a difference. But there is also a difference between our sexual appetites for each other. It feels like a rejection because I would never prioritise sleep over the chance to be intimate with her. She would always (maybe not always, but often) choose sleep in a situation where she is tired enough to sleep. That can translate in my mind as feeling unattractive, unwanted and unloved. I'm not deluded enough to think that I am totally any of these things, but I feel emotions tinged with a flavour of all three. Like the intensity of feeling that I have for her is not reciprocated.

 

I know how to please my wife. Pickup artist bullshit is not going to help my situation. And I am certainly not about to line their sleazy pockets.

I know that not all intimacy is sexual in nature, but I disagree that true intimacy means only serving the wife. True intimacy, in my mind, is about a mutual desire to please each other, and to wallow in each others company. Sex is the height of intimacy because it involves true vulnerabiluty, and is an expression of the desire to meet each other's most base and intense longings. I've not come to this forum to make an enemy of my own sexuality, but to stop allowing it to be expressed in the wrong directions or the wrong ways.

The Notebook is a beautiful film in many ways, but it has some serious flaws in terms of its representation of their relationship. The worst of these, to me, is the whole love at first sight thing. The female protagonist did absolutely nothing to provoke Noah's undying love. Nothing but exist, and be pretty. This perpetuates the damaging view that women are worth nothing but their looks, and that they should not have to fight for or earn the love of a man. The end of the film is much more touching and grounded in reality, showing what real love looks like.

I chose the word intimacy as somewhat of a euphemism, but perhaps it does betray an over-reliance on sex and a sexual expression of intimacy to be happy. I don't think the solution to this is to simply see my existence as servitude to the needs of my wife, but it is worth trying to address the over-reliance. It does seem like a fair observation.

 

I you are trying to infer that I am using my wife as a P-Sub, PMO was always a substitute for sex with my wife. Sleep always comes more easily when I am in a place of calmness and contentedness, and the hormones released in orgasm are known to cause sleepiness too. Plus I like sex. Lying next to a partially dressed partner when horny can be difficult if their interest in sex is low enough to (let's not say reject...) decline sex with their partner. I want something, I can't have it, there it is. There are no other distractions (if reading is off the table) and then my thoughts circle themes of rejection, unhappiness, frustration with myself for feeling these things, temptation to just MO or PMO, guilt and shame over these impulses, deeper guilt and shame over my past habits of pmo etc.

I think the solution for me lies in focussing on positives. Nipping the negative thoughts in the bud before they spiral. Using my backlit kindle rather than paper books as a distraction (reading really does work) because the light does not keep my wife up, nor does it make a noise when turning pages.

More insight is appreciated.

 

Oh and to whoever suggested mo without P, this doesn't work for me. It has escalated to P previously, and I prefer to wait for partnered sex with my wife.

 

If I don't have consent to engage in sex or something approaching sex with her, then to start masturbating is to ignore her lack of consent. I wouldn't start masturbating in front of a random stranger, their consent would always be required to be exposed to that kind of behaviour. Being married to someone doesn't give them constant permission to behave sexually to/with/at them whenever the mood strikes. If she doesn't want to be involved, then she doesn't want to be involved. To be in bed with someone as they masturbate is to be part of the act. And in the situation you are suggesting; unwillingly. To be part of the act without explicitly giving consent would be to have had her lack of consent ignored and to be violated. That advice is terrible and I hope you do not behave that way yourself.

I am younger than you, yes. Late twenties. Over a decade into our relationship though. There have been times in our relationship where I have chosen porn over potential rejection, or avoided sex because I had already Med in the day, and was scared she would discover that from a lower semen volume or something. We always have more sex when I am more honest and expressive about my own desires and appetite for sex, and if I take care to express those feelings in a way that appeals to her. Big surprise: just starting to masturbate in front of her IS NOT IT. The fact that the reverse situation (her starting to M in front of me to initiate sex) is acceptable and works, is precisely because i have expressed that I would not feel upset or violated by that behaviour, and that I would 'find it horny'. We all have our boundaries and our preferences, but talking about these is better than high risk sexual behaviours that could be interpreted as harrassment or assault. Especially in a situation when sexual advances have already been rejected or dismissed.

 

Sorry I reread and saw rhe 'if she agreed to that' bit.

 

But the point is that she would not agree to that. She enjoys being part of the sex we have in an active way. In the situation I was in, consensual open masturbation was not an option. The solitary and secretive act of solo sex has been removed as an option for me (due to my use of P, her feelings about that, and my tendency to escalate to P if I allow myself MO without P). To decide that I will just M next to my wife if she rejects sex or sexual acts with me seems like the sort of thinking that leads to domestic rape.