Small Wins. Restoring Hope and Productivity (vent)

It's been a long time since I've felt any hope of staying clean. For the first time in years I feel legitimate hope, and a possible reconnection with God. Last night I asked that she kneel with me, and we prayed.

After 10 years of lying, and being scared of being found out, it's been a hard adjustment over the last two days of accepting that my fiance knows and that my parents know. After all, 10 years is a long time.

My fiance recommended a movie for us to watch, it's called called Fireproof (very relevant and very helpful for those in a relationship, just ignore the bad acting). While sitting next to her, I felt the overwhelming panick of "what if she finds out, what if she finds out, what if she finds out." My mind hadn't come to terms with that fact that she did! It's heart to break a mindset that you've had for as long as you can remember. I'm not used to anyone knowing.

I've agreed to limit my phone use lately. I've deleted things that could cause temptation, and now I'm working to become less reliant on my phone in general. Stopped wearing a smart watch, set time limits for apps, etc. I need my phone for work, but when I'm home, I won't be on my phone without her present, I need to regain that trust that I won't fail her.

I have been realizing now, that without my phone, I'm left to think "what does a normal person do without their phone?" Normally I would come home, take a shower, and then sit on the couch and play on the internet for a while. Yesterday I put my phone in the bedroom and wouldn't touch it until my fiance came home. But then I was left considering what I should do. Instead, I went to the fridge to prepare some chicken for the week.

I do not cook. I dread it because I'm not good at it and it takes mental capacity that I don't like using. I'd rather be numb. But I remembered that a couple days ago my fiance had said "hey babe, can you make that chicken I like?" That's the night I revealed my secret, so it didn't happen. Today I decided to do it, it was for both of us. This is one step towards furthering my relationship, and learning to use this time and focus to better our relationship. She didn't eat any, but she's still processing, so I knows she's not hungry.

Today I woke up for work in the early morning as I usually do. I left my phone on the bed next to her. I wasn't going to take it with me as I usually would. I made my coffee and sat on the balcony. Alright... How what? I got to ready and got to work early for the first time in ages.

I apologize for the long post, but I've found that venting about my progress is healing.

 

Thank you! It is indeed a very good relationship. She's only known for a couple days so she is understandably hurting and I need to work to regain her trust. This is very true. I'm going to try to use this extra time to use and improve some new skills.