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I’m writing this in the hopes it helps people who are in relationships. I won’t go into detail of what happened when I discovered my SO was a PA because it was extremely traumatic. We postponed our wedding day until I could determine if recovery was even possible. I want to encourage those who are going through recovery, both PA’s and their SO’s. We are now approaching 6 months P free.
First of all, the most important step for him/us was full disclosure. As difficult as it was, letting the whole truth come out was so important for our healing. It was like a light had been switched on and suddenly we could see. PA has much less power when it’s out in the light. My SO chose to disclose his addiction to me, my family and his family. He was riddled with guilt and so ashamed, but also felt a huge sense of relief. Finally, he wasn’t battling this demon in his own anymore.
Secondly, we set about installing porn blockers and accountability software on all his devices and gave me the passwords. This included all social media which was a trigger for him. This did a huge amount for my anxiety levels.. I didn’t have to wonder what he was doing on his phone or play “police” over his life. I see it the same way as someone who is on a diet... it’s much easier to avoid that chocolate bar if it isn’t even in the house. So much harder to resist if you know it’s sitting there in the cupboard calling you. If you can’t even access it, it’s less likely to be a temptation.
After that, the withdrawal symptoms set in. For my SO, this looked like deep depression. He was so accustomed to having dopamine hits to the brain all the time, that nothing about ‘normal’ life seemed to interest him anymore. He was miserable and complained about everything all the time. I drove myself crazy trying to find fun things to do or make him see the positives about his life. He seemed so unhappy and bored. It was an awful time because I feared that he would always need novelty and taboo to be happy. He was irritable and I drank a lot to cope! About 4 months down the track, he was like a new person. He is so excited and optimistic about life. He seems to have this new energy and zest for life that was never there before. He says he feels so blessed and can think so much clearer. He never read any of these forums, but I know from joining NoFap that this is what we call the fog being lifted. And I believe his dopamine levels have started the normalise now. Thank God the brain can be rewired!
The trust in our relationship had been completely broken. I no longer felt safe with the man I was previously so devoted to. Intimacy was difficult for me. I couldn’t bare the thought of him fantasizing while we were supposed to be sharing a very special connection. After talking to him about these feelings, we made a special effort to re-connect in healthy ways. He did not do hard mode, but we tried to make sex as real as possible. It was important to me that any hit of dopamine was coming from a real life scenario and not from pixels on a screen. It wasn’t great at first, and I had to stop a few times when I thought he wasn’t being present. But this has greatly improved now and our sex life has become authentic and enjoyable. It takes time, but I believe that true attraction can be possible again with time and rewiring of the brain. I would encourage everyone to read the article here - http://spokanecares.org/addictions-compulsions-spokane.php
The other key thing that happened was my SO changed jobs. When he was a PA, he had many hours at home alone and he even worked on his own most of the time. I can understand now that the opposite of addiction is not abstinence, but connection. His new job has allowed him to work with people everyday. He was no longer in a position to look to his smartphone for entertainment or connection. This was a Godsend for us and one I am truly grateful for. As boredom and loneliness was the main underlying trigger for him, changing his whole lifestyle was a huge positive. He did find it hard at first, and the money is much less, but it has been worthwhile in my opinion.
We also took up new hobbies. He started building model cars which I believe gave him the satisfaction of having completed a project. I have no doubt that having to concentrate on the tiny details also helped to keep his mind occupied. He spent hours on it!
I invested in an amino acid supplement called NAC. Research on it is only at the very early stages, but studies suggest it is very helpful for addiction. You can do some reading of your own.
Now, 6 months into recovery I can honestly say that I believe recovery is possible. We aren’t out of the woods yet and I suppose I will never know what is going on in his brain on a day to day basis. But I can see that the motivation and the hearts intention is good. I am so glad that I chose to forgive him and support him. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with... I am a sensitive individual, but I also have a strong belief in God. Jesus is a healer and “who the Son sets free is free indeed”.
For those of you rebooting in a relationship, please understand how your actions have hurt your SO and be gentle with them. Don’t hide your weaknesses anymore.. talk about them and enlist their support. You own your recovery, but you can’t do it alone. Find a hobby, find God, find a new job if you have to. You will be glad you did.
First of all, the most important step for him/us was full disclosure. As difficult as it was, letting the whole truth come out was so important for our healing. It was like a light had been switched on and suddenly we could see. PA has much less power when it’s out in the light. My SO chose to disclose his addiction to me, my family and his family. He was riddled with guilt and so ashamed, but also felt a huge sense of relief. Finally, he wasn’t battling this demon in his own anymore.
Secondly, we set about installing porn blockers and accountability software on all his devices and gave me the passwords. This included all social media which was a trigger for him. This did a huge amount for my anxiety levels.. I didn’t have to wonder what he was doing on his phone or play “police” over his life. I see it the same way as someone who is on a diet... it’s much easier to avoid that chocolate bar if it isn’t even in the house. So much harder to resist if you know it’s sitting there in the cupboard calling you. If you can’t even access it, it’s less likely to be a temptation.
After that, the withdrawal symptoms set in. For my SO, this looked like deep depression. He was so accustomed to having dopamine hits to the brain all the time, that nothing about ‘normal’ life seemed to interest him anymore. He was miserable and complained about everything all the time. I drove myself crazy trying to find fun things to do or make him see the positives about his life. He seemed so unhappy and bored. It was an awful time because I feared that he would always need novelty and taboo to be happy. He was irritable and I drank a lot to cope! About 4 months down the track, he was like a new person. He is so excited and optimistic about life. He seems to have this new energy and zest for life that was never there before. He says he feels so blessed and can think so much clearer. He never read any of these forums, but I know from joining NoFap that this is what we call the fog being lifted. And I believe his dopamine levels have started the normalise now. Thank God the brain can be rewired!
The trust in our relationship had been completely broken. I no longer felt safe with the man I was previously so devoted to. Intimacy was difficult for me. I couldn’t bare the thought of him fantasizing while we were supposed to be sharing a very special connection. After talking to him about these feelings, we made a special effort to re-connect in healthy ways. He did not do hard mode, but we tried to make sex as real as possible. It was important to me that any hit of dopamine was coming from a real life scenario and not from pixels on a screen. It wasn’t great at first, and I had to stop a few times when I thought he wasn’t being present. But this has greatly improved now and our sex life has become authentic and enjoyable. It takes time, but I believe that true attraction can be possible again with time and rewiring of the brain. I would encourage everyone to read the article here - http://spokanecares.org/addictions-compulsions-spokane.php
The other key thing that happened was my SO changed jobs. When he was a PA, he had many hours at home alone and he even worked on his own most of the time. I can understand now that the opposite of addiction is not abstinence, but connection. His new job has allowed him to work with people everyday. He was no longer in a position to look to his smartphone for entertainment or connection. This was a Godsend for us and one I am truly grateful for. As boredom and loneliness was the main underlying trigger for him, changing his whole lifestyle was a huge positive. He did find it hard at first, and the money is much less, but it has been worthwhile in my opinion.
We also took up new hobbies. He started building model cars which I believe gave him the satisfaction of having completed a project. I have no doubt that having to concentrate on the tiny details also helped to keep his mind occupied. He spent hours on it!
I invested in an amino acid supplement called NAC. Research on it is only at the very early stages, but studies suggest it is very helpful for addiction. You can do some reading of your own.
Now, 6 months into recovery I can honestly say that I believe recovery is possible. We aren’t out of the woods yet and I suppose I will never know what is going on in his brain on a day to day basis. But I can see that the motivation and the hearts intention is good. I am so glad that I chose to forgive him and support him. It has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with... I am a sensitive individual, but I also have a strong belief in God. Jesus is a healer and “who the Son sets free is free indeed”.
For those of you rebooting in a relationship, please understand how your actions have hurt your SO and be gentle with them. Don’t hide your weaknesses anymore.. talk about them and enlist their support. You own your recovery, but you can’t do it alone. Find a hobby, find God, find a new job if you have to. You will be glad you did.
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