So after 25 days of hard mode, a little recap (May contain some Trigger)

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by Ricky56, Mar 2, 2020.

  1. Ricky56

    Ricky56 Fapstronaut

    Hey all,
    (just a little warning, if you keep reading, it may trigger something, so be careful)

    i know that maybe i should have updated my journey and will do it, just right after i post this topic.
    So i try to recap what happened in the last few weeks, so, got 3 or 4 hot dreams, including strange girls and aunt, yeah, i dont know why it was her, without any dress in my bed. Lets say, she is, well a mature woman but she seems younger for her age, which is 55. I saw her , many times with a costume, in the beach, and once with a bathrobe only after a shower but this happened 3 years ago. I never thought of her , sexually, she has a good husband, so she has everything… but after that dream, when i see her, i cant look at her the same way, as my eyes , cant make eye contact anymore and i usually start to watch my feet, with a red face.
    Moving on, i had other dreams including more younger girls, and they, well, they didnt have anything on. Well, i didnt do anything to them, i just kept looking them, without doing anything expect for the last dream i had including a girl, and this happened, Yesterday.
    As i said before, these girls had nothing on at all, but this one, the last one, showed me, her B side. She was curly, with brown hair, and her face was really really cute… i dont think i saw it in reality, maybe some tv or series i dont really know, but she was really gorgeous and , my "junior" woke up of course.
    After some things, which i cant discuss here, well, it was just touching and moving sinuously. After a while, i woke up but at this time i didnt notice what happened, as i falled asleep again anyway, later on, when i finally wake up, i found out that my pants was a bit, after smelling a strange smell, i found out that, my pants were, "dirty".
    I was happy and glad, really, because after reading so many stories here, about having wet dreams, finally, me, had not just one but 3-4 and more important, my junior still works fine, even without me "playing" with him anymore, as a sign that my libido or testosterone are, fine.

    Anyway , last thing , which made me get back to the ground, today, i went to the doctor for some recipe, for my dad, and a really strange thing happened...
    As i was waiting my turn, one old guy, maybe 60 or more, after entering the local, he firstly said "Hi" but then he looked at me , smiling. I was confused but the real strange thing happened later, when he came to sit , next to me, and he put his hand in my...leg, no, it was for real my leg, but then he tightened it, and after i watched him, really badly, saying
    " what the hell are you doing?"
    " nothing, just came to say hi to this young boy, you gotta understand that here, i only see old people, its strange to see a nice young boy"
    " are you kidding?" then i yelled, " put your f******* hands away sir"
    then he right after, saying some shitty excuses which i dont write... he moved them away and actually, he changed his chair.
    The strange thing, the really strange thing was that i felt i little "tingling", while he was touching me, this happened in just 3-4 second max and i was really afraid that i was getting a boner, which luckily , didnt happen. But on the way back, i felt ashamed, scared, i mean , what the hell he was thinking? it was a joke or what? the f*** .
    While writing, i still feel...bad about it, well it was just touching but someone else ,i dont know, why it tingled. I'm not obsessing, i'm just asking why… why it happened, i know i have some past with CAM, and only cam, with some old dude but, thats it,
    i like and only will like Woman
    But, after this episode… after this fool, that god only knows what he thought, i feel like i came back to 2 months ago, the same feeling i had, after doing a CAM , "shame, fear, heartbeat rising up"

    For all of you, who read it all, and maybe will answer, i want to say, thanks in advance, for the help or support.
    Have a nice day
    Deleted Account likes this.
  2. hollyman

    hollyman Fapstronaut

    what is this CAM anyways?

    first of all u think of it too much, its a small thing and did not require your full emotion on it

    i mean he touched you and you yelled at him and its over right there...he get what he deserve and that's it, why exaggerate it anyways? u loved woman and that's it no more question

    the more u question it the more u will curios about it, the more u curious the more u search for it and then BOOOM u watch some shit porn with no woman inside of it (if you know what i mean).

    Curiosity kill the cat...... remember that
    Ricky56 likes this.
  3. Ricky56

    Ricky56 Fapstronaut

    First off, thanks for sharing your opinion on this topic.

    For cam, i mean, that i used to do, i started to do it on october of last year till january, some videochat while i was, masturbating while watching another man doing the same.
    I know, that it was just curiosity back then, but i did it ,idk, maybe 6 or 7 at max, and i felt good just the first 2 minutes after we done, then the sense of shame, overwhelmed me, and on 27 January, the last day i did this videochat, i promised myself, that it would be the LAST time.
    Since this day, well i used to masturbate but with only imagination for few days, and i was surprised for how long i lasted but i was feeling again, ashamed for what i was doing, even if i was imaginating over some old woman, which used to be nice to me, she works in a market. So on 5 February i decided to start again, my journey, no porn, nothing related to it, no orgasm (well with my last GF, we did nothing but anyway its a story of 2018, so no risk there) no masturbating, no to all of these crap.

    I had up and down, i mean, everyone does when in rebooting, right?
    in these 25 days, the first week was really hard as, i was still seeing these image in my mind, of me doing these videochat all over again, but from then to now, i made some progress… just have some trouble with insomnia as i wake up at 4 or 5 a.m , then fall asleep right after.

    The advice you gived, it may seem simple but there is soo much in just one word "emotion" , when you say, dont overreact over just one touch of an unkwown dude, you're right, and Tomorrow i wont even think about it hopefully, for today is a bit hard, as, even now, i cant find a reason why he did what he did.

    I know where my heart belongs, and to who its meant to fall in love for, i had 2 girls in my life, 2 complicated relationships, so different but in common they have, that with both, i didnt had , you know, sex, as one of them was, the type of girl, you know, old school, which i respect, and that is, that she rather wait after marriage, the other one, well, even if she wanted to at one point, i wasnt fully engaged by her, and she used it at an escape and left me, after just 5 months so.
    I wont add more because...well… the first one, still hurts, so, i rather stop there.

    Anyway, i will do, as you say, i wont let curiosity or emotion to run, overwhelm me, these times are over, i just have to move on, focus on the next step.
    Thanks again for these simple, words, who made me to get back in charge
    Deleted Account likes this.

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