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So here I am

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by Shockedbuddy, Jul 3, 2017.

  1. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    My marriage hitted the rock bottom couple of days ago when my husband being high were trying to justify his need for threesome or having sex with someone else because.. well he got bored with our sex life.

    Nevertheless to say I could not ever complete with his dopamine rush because he was always too busy with his masturbation. So, our sex life was non existent even we had sex on a daily basis during almost 4 years we know each other.

    Right now I have no idea how things would go: if we somehow save our marriage or this is it, the end. I saw the light because he admitted he is porn addict. He finally realized it.

    I would want to help him out to battle that cycle he got into, but have no great ideas how to do that.

    The trust between us non existent, we fight a lot and things been pretty brutal between us. I got really tired actually. The way he behave made me self-conscious, sad and makes me feel like I can not enjoy life by his side.

    I was telling him for more than two years that porn and pics are no good for our relationships, but he justified that by saying I'm jealous and have low self-esteem, and his private time is non of my business.

    Probably it's not, but for two years I was literally living with a shadow of man. He was absolutely absent.

    So if you have any advice for me, I would appreciate it a lot.

    That's the first time ever in my life I've experienced something like that with a man. So I don't know what to do.

    PS: English is not my native language, so sorry for the mistakes I did.
     
  2. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story... I never would have thought English was your second language! Many couples arrive here in the same situation. I was someone who was checked out of my marriage and on the verge of separation. My rock-bottom moment was when my wife threatened to move out, take our children with her, and tell everyone who asked the real reason why. That was when I woke up from my porn coma. I behaved very much like your husband but once I realized that this was an addiction and I was about to lose everything then I was able to change.

    The first thing you need to understand is that this is problem that you are not responsible to fix. It is the addict's primary responsibility to seek treatment and start working on himself. You cannot trust a man who is an active addict. Your relationship has no foundation if you can't trust him. Once he starts to change then you can start repairing the relationship.

    Also you need to understand that none of this is your fault. You did not cause this problem nor make it worse. You are not in any way to blame for his descent into addiction. You deserve so much better. Also understand that there is no rush to make any big decisions. You always have the option to leave, but once you leave it makes it harder to come back. Be patient and let's see what happens.

    There is one small question that I have... I'm confused when you said he was 'being high'. Was he high on drugs or alcohol? Or was he just looking for a sexual high? Addicts often have more than one addiction... they may smoke weed, drink excessively, gamble, etc.

    You mention your marriage hit rock bottom. Do you mean it's reached a new low? Or does he realize he did something stupid and is thinking about getting better? When an addict hit's rock bottom he has a choice to make - continue the behavior and experience more pain than he has ever felt before or get help. Addicts surround themselves with delusional thinking. Logic and reason does not work with an addiction. Only pain cuts through the hazy thinking. This process involves several discussions leading up to an ultimatum. An addict will not change until he is forced to change.

    You cannot help him unless he realizes he has a problem and takes the initiate to seek help. If you help him without him admitting he has a problem then you are enabling him. Educate yourself about addiction and read about what others have done and then coldly lay out your case and clearly explain the consequences. You might have to part ways for a while, but hopefully he responds. Ideas for such a discussion can be found here.

    Meanwhile, you need to protect yourself and heal. You cannot help him and neglect yourself. You are entitled to feel however you feel - angry, numb, frustrated, or betrayed. Continue to use this thread to ask questions or vent your emotions. There are many wonderful people who can empathize with your situation. I hope you find the advice, information, and support you need to recover.
     
    Marcel0404 and Shockedbuddy like this.
  3. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    You got it right, he smoked weed after almost a year without it for couple of days and being high, on drugs, told me that brilliant idea how frustrated he is and that I have to bring the third one into our marriage bed, because he's being a good guy not to cheat on me all the time he is married toe and he is highly suffering.

    That was the new low for me. It was just too much. I told him that he needs to stop or I'm leaving. After that he found out something about coolige effect, dopamine and other neiroshemicals and came to the conclusion we need to work on a building oxitocine bond between us.
    I'm in the level when I hardly want even to be around him.
    But it hitted me that it is the first time hi is openly admitting that he is an addict. And that he treated me not in the right way.
    But over the course of our marriage there were so many things I was trusting he would change and improve so now he is like a guy who is screaming "Wolfes!", really difficult to trust.
     
  4. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Addiction is defined by three things (1) compulsive behavior to do things they know to be harmful (2) escalating behavior due to tolerance buildup (3) withdrawal symptoms when they try to stop. His threesome idea is escalating behavior. Addicts either use more frequently, view more hardcore forms of porn, or try to bring their fantasies to life. The sad truth is that if he ever had a threesome it wouldn't make him happy. Addicts are forever chasing that elusive feeling of happiness or feeling of nirvana.

    What he asked for was extremely disrespectful and hurtful to you. Do not let the ravings of a mentally ill, desperate, dopamine seeking addict rob you of self-worth and your self-esteem. You are enough for any man.

    Addicts use images/objects/substances/events to alter, medicate, sooth, numb, or escape from negative feelings. Many times one addiction is not enough to medicate themselves so they become poly-addicts. Merely stopping PMO is not going to fix his problem. He needs to address the underlying reasons why he needs drugs, alcohol, and porn in order to make him happy.

    It's good that he's starting to wake up from his porn coma, but the oxytocin building exercise will not work until he does many, many things before that exercise. It is not possible for an addict to have a healthy relationship. He still needs to work on a ton of things before you can even entertain trusting him again. Cuddling exercises won't fix his problem and won't fix your relationship problems. He wants to jump to step 20 before doing any of the earlier steps. He is skipping over the most difficult steps and jumping to the ones that makes him feel better. No, no, no. He needs to put in the time and effort and not try to take short cuts. Addiction is nasty and takes months/years to fix.

    Right now he is not worthy of trust until he proves himself to have changed. Don't believe his promises. Actions speak louder than words.
     
  5. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I see in him good will power: he did cutted any alcohol for the 3 years almost totally since we got living together (he was a party drinker, nothing serious, but we don't have any alcohol at home), he cutted cola which was his kind of drug, he did stopped for more than a year doing weed until resently (he wanted a bit as a BD present, so here is why he has it now). He can rationalace the need of stopping doing something. If it's unhealthy. Now he is researching that high prolactin that hole has, might be connected to sex/masturbation.
    Also I can see other improvements: he started to help around a bit. Was shocked when came home and he washed the floors, just because saw it's messy (never did it before). So he is trying in his way to improve, and I really appreciate it, and notice every single thing he does.
    So this is the signs I have that might be showing he is really willing to save the marriage. He is a good guy in his heart for sure. Just might not be good for me, because I'm really getting to the point where it's difficult to find for myself what is keeping me around.
    Trust issues is awful. I was working on it for a long time and he finds the way how to crush it again.
    When we have good times he is a nice guy. But I feel like I lost him long time before and there is no way this good guy can return.
     
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2017
  6. How can you say he's a good guy given his behavior?
     
  7. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I found out about NoFap long time ago, was reading without been registered some treads and topics. But never been bringing the idea or even this form to him.
    He found out by himself. Even have a profile here. So maybe it could work. I really wish.
     
  8. I am not saying you per se but I have noticed a pattern on NoFap where there is a lot of explaining away unacceptable behavior from spouses
     
  9. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    You made me puzzled. Well, for example, I know I'm not the bad person but sometimes I can do things I'm not really proud of. So that's why I probably tolerate flaws in other people or trying to understand why they act this way.
     
  10. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Can you give an example? English is not my native language so I'm not really getting who is doing what.
     
  11. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Also I'm Ukrainian/Russian/Greek and my husband is American so a lot of things I was explaining as a mentality difference. Language barrier. Age difference. Experience. Maturity. - I'm 3 years older, had been in a long relationships before and even married, have a kid so mature enough. My husband is maturing on my eyes. He turned 33, but actually act sometimes pretty same as my 8 years old son. So this was also something I was taking into attention. Sometimes I feel that he do not really know how to me a men, a husband, how to handle marriage and so on. Something I already know.
     
  12. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    It's been pretty good days full of love and affection.
    But sad thoughts hitted me again.
    During our arguments and talks he said that he never felt this before in his previous relationships (tho they never been as long as ours). He is frustrated with our intimate life and it brings him to the P as a novelty which he crave to stay loyal to me.
    Basically he opened up that he never had a thrill being with me. Sounds actually as catastrophe. I'm always not that young, have not the needed shape, not flexible enough, can't do that position what was his favorite with his ex girlfriend and so on. The list has no ending.
    What is make me doubt that even he overcome his PM addiction it would not work for us anyway.
    Is it worth it?
    If I can not became another person, how could things improve? Wether or not he has this habit.
    Strange thing that I'm not prude or shy, I'm always on board with add some excitement and try something new. If that wasn't enough for him and wasn't doing any good, what can I do? Seems like nothing at all.
    Why he married me compensating on sexual aspect. It made two people suffer.
    Can't get rid of the idea being not good enough for him.
    Torn.
     
  13. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I've read a lot of journals here and treads but it seems like a lot of married men who were suffered with P addiction/habit in the first place enjoyed their wifes.
    Ugh, need to think about it more.
     
  14. i_wanna_get_better1

    i_wanna_get_better1 Fapstronaut

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    Here is an interesting article on why addicts prefer porn over real life sex. Addiction causes the person's brain to become desensitized to normal excitement and sensitized to porn only. Addicts build up a tolerance to what is normal and seek out more excitement. It's like a drug addict that needs to use more hardcore drugs in order to get that same 'high' feeling. Addicts are forever chasing that elusive and fleeting feeling. Just as you cannot compete against the feelings drugs or alcohol gives an addict, you cannot compete against the feeling porn gives you. This does NOT mean you are inadequate or unattractive. Addiction is a mental illness. It's ludicrous to try to compete against the feelings an illness creates in a person.

    However, your feelings are still valid and it's not fair that you have to experience this. You deserve better and should not have to compete with anyone. It is possible to get your husband back but he must give up all PMO. It's not easy but porn is the poison that is destroying your husband. The brain is able to go back to normal after months/years. An addict needs to learn how to be content with normal life again and not compare it to the artificial feelings and illusions his addiction used to make him feel.

    It's not fair that he says he uses porn as a way to stay faithful to you. You shouldn't have have to choose between porn and him cheating on you. That is faulty reasoning because BOTH of them are a betrayal. That is his addiction clouding his judgment. Men like that need a 'frying pan to the head' moment to wake them up.
     
    Marcel0404 and Shockedbuddy like this.
  15. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    @i_wanna_get_better1, thank you for the post and article. I'm still learning and you are helping me.
     
  16. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I was thinking why I was living with a wierd feeling for a long time that I'm NOT married.
    Whith a strange feeling that I have another kid I need to care about. How come?
    It started when he skipped to do anything around the house - from cooking, cleaning to dishwashing and doing his own loundry, were throwing his clothes and socks around the flat and was expecting me to get him clean clothes and was literally pissed off at me when there were none. I did not wash the forks, cause he promised to do it. And as experiment wasn't doing it waiting for him. 30 days and I gave up and did it.
    Going to the mall and buy stuff also were my responsibility.
    Keep in mind that I was working full day.

    Well while I was doing all of this my husband was browsing naked pics, watch P and M. Hoa :)
    I was literally serving all his needs while he could be consentrating on fap and game playing. All of his energy I guess went there. Cause there were no situations where after I ask for a help it leaded actually to anything.

    Wow, a bit hurtful to know I was slaving.
     
  17. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    I guess it got to the point were the only grown up and responsible person was me and it took away all the fun for him: who would enjoy time only with his "mom".
    [​IMG]
     
    Last edited: Jul 7, 2017
    TooMuchTooSoon likes this.
  18. SuperFan

    SuperFan Fapstronaut

    Your experience is unfortunately very common. Porn & sex addicts tend to lose most of their interest in self-care. When I was fully in my addiction, I would let dishes pile up, I'd skip meals, my exercise routine was very sporadic, I'd let my apartment get messy, I'd get clean clothes from out of the dryer instead of folding them and putting them away ... the list goes on.

    I want to encourage you ... his addiction isn't because you aren't pretty enough, horny enough, flexible enough, or anything like that. Chances are he was using porn since before you two dated. I'm sure when you guys first started having sex, it was very hot and very frequent--because he was like, "wow! This is everything I've fantasized about!" But after a while, the novelty wears off and it feels less exciting ... porn addiction has more to do with the novelty, the fact that it's a new girl every time you click a mouse.

    I hope he gets some help and I hope you find a good support group to be a part of as well. Are you located in America?
     
    Marcel0404 and Shockedbuddy like this.
  19. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    @SuperFan thank you for your comment.

    I'm European and we live in Europe, tho my husband is American guy.
    We do not have any PA groups here unfortunately.

    It's frequent still, I guess he was trying to find a balance between P and me. Novelty and bams! can do me.
    But was wired to know he is in the bathroom for 2 hours while I'm doing home stuff or cook. And all the sex became just hmm really wierd, like he was absent there, like M with my body to his fantasies. Really wierd and unsatisfying something.
     
  20. Shockedbuddy

    Shockedbuddy Fapstronaut

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    Okay, it's been 8 days as his counter shows. Everything was pretty sweet but yesterday night I had a strange feeling that everything came to the same place.
    He said at night that he wants to read and went to the bedroom. And it hitted me. I was feeling same way as I did before: should not go back from the shop faster, because can catch him playing with himself, should not enter the bathroom because I can catch him, should not come to him when he is in another room, because can catch him. All of that wierd stuff.
    So yesterday I was sitting in the kitchen and waiting: is it enough time, can I come to the bedroom. Is he doing it or not? Maybe he is abstaining from M, but could come through his routine sites like 4chan tread with girls.

    When I got to the bedroom found him all naked laying in the bed. It's pretty hot here and we are all alone at the house so being naked not really a big deal. But I felt that it was.
    Also in the morning he woke me up with a dogdesire, he was literally jumping on me with a lube already covered his bone. Did he just got horny from something he saw while I was sleeping?
    I'm afraid to ask him if he is doing something or not. Could lead to the huge argument. And it's sad.
    Being really good days, but now I question if they were this way because he changed, or he just fulfill the urges from someone else.
     

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