So here we go again...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by blue is everywhere, Apr 16, 2020.

  1. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

    31
    45
    18
    Hello everyone,

    So yes, that's it, it happened. Again. Of course.
    My boyfriend is really trying to get over it and I know he really wants to quit. Accountability partner, fortify, journaling, meditation, blockers, you name it. He's doing and using all those things. And it kind of works, as he is watching less porn than he used to. He would estimate that he does it once a week now which is progress. He also talks to me about it. Being honest. But yesterday he wasn't. He did it, didn't tell me, but of course i found out. I feel like a fool. He promised he will never lie again and he knows what is going to happen, eventually, if he does: I'm going to leave at some point. I can't believe I'm saying that's as I love him more than I could ever say it. But without honesty, I can't go on. I want to trust him. I'm just truly, very deeply hurt right now. I know he lied because he didn't want to "hurt" me. But being dishonest hurts me even more. I don't know wth I'm supposed to do.
     
  2. palindromo

    palindromo Fapstronaut

    Unfortunately these half measures does not help. A good reboot needs total abstinence.
    It is really hard for the first weeks.
     
    engelman, EyesWideOpen and Wolfgirl like this.
  3. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    2,195
    3,265
    143
    He lied because he wanted to protect himself and his addiction. The lie that he “doesn’t want to hurt you and is protecting you, flys out the window the minute he relapsed knowing it will hurt you and he’s not protecting you. None of us, the addict or the so likes to admit this because it hurts. He chose his addiction over you. Then he lied to cover his tracks because he knows he had already hurt you. The lie just compounds the pain. Every addict had a moment when they choose either recovery or relapse. Then another moment to lie or take responsibility. They are choices. Hard choices.
     
    engelman and EyesWideOpen like this.
  4. Wolfgirl

    Wolfgirl Fapstronaut

    87
    126
    33
    If you don’t mind me asking, how (with all these methods) is he accessing porn? Abstaining completely will be the most beneficial and he will find many benefits that come with quitting. I know how hard it is to deal with dishonesty, and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. Relapses can be extremely hard on SOs but if your boyfriend is truly trying to quit, he should be pushing himself to quit. Trying to do the best he can each day to not Pmo.
     
    engelman likes this.
  5. Charfonglee

    Charfonglee Fapstronaut

    57
    58
    18
    I just wanted to say, because I agree with you psalm—but I wanted to clarify for this person, blue, that it is a conscious choice for the addict, it is necessary that they fight and make the decision to keep fighting and employ honesty; however to also acknowledge that the decision making ability of an addict in battle is heavily skewed. Addiction is not a choice, it’s a disease that addicts must constantly fight with every inch of their will power no matter how hard it gets. To me it just sounded like you(psalm) could be saying addiction is a choice/ and that it is beatable simply by sheer will power. For some this may be true, but for the vast majority, it’s simply much harder than the simple choice of I will or I won’t. In the worst of times; in the heat of the heaviest urges, it can feel like your carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders with darkness enveloping your mind as every essence of one’s being pushes and pulls the addict to satisfy their craving. And I feel certain that you(psalm) probably know this as you’re aiding your husband in dealing with this. I just wanted to emphasize the strain and skewed judgment of an addict when they are caught in the heat of their addiction.

    All this to defend the addict, not for relapsing and going back to porn—it will never be okay or excusable if he relapses—but simply to explain the severity of the situation for many addicts so that proper empathy is still given, not to the point of self destruction and self harm of the SO in the process of this empathy, but to ensure that the SO has enough understanding. In the end, the addicts who truly want to quit strongly desire for some ground to stand on and a shred of dignity despite failure, so that they can still affirm, “yes, I may have just got beaten, but my opponent was formidable and stronger than I this time.” To then be able to say he isn’t just a weakling for failing, but that as long as he fought hard, there is still hope, hope that he can keep training for his next fight and finally win once and for all. He will never quit and always get back to his feet.

    Also, the choices that an addict makes should definitely be preemptive. What us addicts would definitely warn is that, whitenuckling, just using sheer will power to abstain, is almost never sustainable. One major key to success lies in what the addict does in anticipation for urges and cravings. What defenses will he set up before the craving comes again? He must have a plan and follow through with it to ensure his success and the ease at which he can fight off urges.


    I guess at the end of this, I just want to make sure you don’t give up on the addict if he deserves the support to keep trying. As an addict myself, who’s SO helped him get through so much, and is now seemingly close to success, who had failures in the past, but who always kept trying, who if not for the help support and love of the SO/ if had been rejected by the SO may never have had the strength to escape the clutches of my addiction, just want you to know the addict is not hopeless if he keeps trying. Don’t give up on him if you can see in his eyes his addiction hurts him too, that he cries internally to rid himself of it forever. That he desperately wants to escape it.

    If he makes sure to improve himself with each failure and to make sure he does better next time; If he trains hard to strengthen himself for the next attack PMO addiction launches; if the addict keeps honestly trying, there is hope.
     
  6. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    2,195
    3,265
    143
    I absolutely agree with you about the brain changes and the difficulty. Like my husband said last night” every action, every step, either takes me further along in recovery or closer to relapse. Im always moving, either towards recovery or towards relapse.”
    I’m not an addict, so I can only learn from what the addicts say and almost of them say a relapse builds up. That for most, it’s days of playing with fantasy in their mind, days of skirting with psubs. Once you learn it’s an addiction, you have a choice. What you do before you relapse is where that choice begins. Then if you do relapse, and have a partner, you again have a choice. Yes, if you continue trying, there is always hope, but just know that you do hurt and damage to your partner as well as yourself, and lying takes their choice away. Many women choose to stay after betrayal, most end up leaving if the lies continue.
     
    engelman likes this.
  7. Psalm27:1my light

    Psalm27:1my light Fapstronaut

    2,195
    3,265
    143
    Porn is easily accessible to the addict. They buy secret laptops, secret phones, they bypass blockers, they have hard drives with porn downloaded. They go through ig, Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, etc. they find it in places an ordinary person would never think to look. They can plain ole use their fantasy of past porn they’ve seen. Blockers just give them time, to access the rationale part of their brain. To stop and say “ what am I doing?”. there was an entire thread on how they got around blockers in the sos forum. Lol they opened my eyes! However, I’ve never depended on blockers, do we have them? Yup. Even I can get around them and I am clueless with tech. I watch his actions and I can tell you within minutes if he’s relapsed.
     
    engelman and blue is everywhere like this.
  8. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

    31
    45
    18
    Sadly there are always "black holes" in blockers or anything else. When they look for images, believe me, they will actually find it.
     
    engelman and Psalm27:1my light like this.
  9. ankith

    ankith Fapstronaut

    The important thing is urges last only for few minutes, if he has the leisure to even unblock and watch things, then I am afraid, he isn't serious about this.

    You should tell him to join here, get an Accountability partner and act like a responsible person instead of giving excuses. There are lots of people overcoming these things. People like me who have been suffering from disorders are trying to make amends by working out ourselves, when he has partner to support he should have progressed really fast in his recovery. I hope you guys work this out properly, good luck.
     
  10. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    1,744
    3,842
    143
    If he were an alcoholic, one drink a week would still mean he was an active addict. If he were addicted to gambling, going to the casinos only once a week would still mean he is still an active addict. He's either acting out or he isn't. He's not "all in" working his recovery if he's still acting out.

    He didn't tell you because you said yourself that if he lied, you said you would leave. He did it to protect himself, not your feelings. He clearly isn't being honest, he's just not lying as much as he used to.

    He has to decide if he's really as dedicated to this as he is telling you he is, or if he is just pretending, because at the rate he is going, it won't last and full relapse is inevitable. You have to decide how much you are willing to put with. Set boundaries with consequences. Decide what you will accept, and what you absolutely, under no circumstances, will not accept. And stick to it. Do what you need to do to feel emotionally safe. If you say 'if you do x, I will leave', then when he does x, leave. If you say, 'if you slip or act out in any way and do not tell me within 24 hours, then x happens'...follow through, or 'No lying of any kind, this includes, not telling me the whole truth, twisting it or finding a loophole, omission, or outright lying...then I respond by xxx' and follow through.
     
  11. blue is everywhere

    blue is everywhere Fapstronaut

    31
    45
    18
    You're definitely right. That's also what I did, taking measures for myself. But obviously, now the fear is here for me too. I'm kind of like so afraid that something happens, that I feel almost paranoid about it.
     
  12. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    1,332
    5,501
    143
    Maybe he needs some kind of external profesional help.
     

Share This Page