So, how long am I in for?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DesperateHousewife7, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    I’m so sorry. That’s awful. I’m a bit afraid this may be an issue for me too—though it may be a long while before I can adequately trust him again. I hope it gets better for you.
     
  2. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    It’s been 5 months since I found out and I thought I’d feel better by now. I thought things would be different now. But I don’t feel better, and nothing has changed. I still feel just as broken. I’m still sad all the time. I’m worn out. I’m tired of the constant feeling of worry, tired of constantly reading and researching HIS issue for answers. I wish so badly that I could just be done with all of this. I wish I could go tell my parents everything and I wish they would listen and say to me that I should leave him. And that they’ll support me fully. And I wish I could just start over.
     
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Just me venting because I have so much on my chest and it weighs heavy...


    I wish I didn’t care, and didn’t love him. It would be so much easier to deal with all of this if I could just stop, and come to terms with being together for the kids. We’re great parents together. We’re great friends and life partners. If I could just turn off the part of me that wants him as a lover, as something intimate and special. If I could just stop watching to see how he ogles other women, stop checking to see if he’s getting off to other girls as he continues to reject me, as he continues to fail to be able to even get hard with me- almost 7 months after D-Day... it wouldn’t hurt so much every day. It would be perfect. Happy. But for some reason, because I’m desperate and lonely and want real, passionate love, because it does hurt me to think about sharing my husband, knowing that that intimate part of our marriage was given away to porn instead of to us... I do care and I do love him and I do allow his actions (and non-actions, especially) to hurt me. Deeply. I just want this to be over. I have been suffering from this for the better part of a decade and I just want to be free from these painful emotions. The pain of rejection, the pain of the one man I love and want not wanting me at all. The pain of knowing that he lied to me for 7 years about having a low sex drive when in reality he just got off to other women’s bodies instead of mine. And on top of everything now, I feel guilty. Because now if I do react with pain or hurt or jealousy or impatience with his addiction, it’s my fault that he is recovering slowly. He acts like the responsibility is on me. He always reminds me that I am required to be understanding and patient and that if I try to rush anything or try to have sex, that I’m just ruining everything for him. I am afraid to even ask questions about his recovery because it’s always perceived as “interrogation” and it means that I’m being impatient, which stresses him out and triggers him, he says. I don’t know how to deal with any of this and maybe I am making it worse, which makes me feel entirely 100% helpless. I never signed up for this, I KNOW I am not equipped to deal with this and I don’t WANT to deal with this. But I wasn’t given any choice so now I have to figure out how to live with this if I want my family to remain intact. It’s so fucked up. I hate him for doing this to us. And I feel like he isn’t working his recovery like he should. I feel like he’s become a master at tricking me, and I have no way of finding out. He’s never ever left evidence behind. I feel insane. Next thing I know, it’s gonna be a year out from D-Day, and nothing will have changed. And then what? He’s just gonna say I didn’t give him enough time. Same thing he’s said to me every single year for 7 years. So how much time is enough time? How much of my own life is okay to throw away for the sake of his issues? I swear I’m gonna lose it.
     
  4. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    It’s just so interesting to me that he hasn’t relapsed ONCE since D-Day. Like, everyone else has relapses, several, but my husband magically has everything going perfectly smoothly. Yet he still has PIED just as often... and it’s been half a year. Hmm.
     
  5. Vixen

    Vixen Fapstronaut

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    That does seem suspicious. We are just out of the 90 days during which my husband was abstaining from PMO. I had some suspicions about him staying the path. Still do, but he claims to have been good. We became sexual the other night and thankfully he didn’t have any Ed! A relief! He was intent on trying some ED pills but I wanted to see what he was authentically working with so I initiated a couple days prior to plan. Glad he’s capable.

    Your situation with PIED a year and a half after “recovery”, coupled with no relapses and the way he treats you seems like a bad sign.

    I am still getting used to the idea that I can’t know everything. Even with accountability apps— if my husband wants to go to fantasy land and jerk off when he’s alone there’s really nothing I can do about that. I’ve made my peace by determining that I will deem the worth of the relationship by how I feel (from what I do know) and how he treats me. How satisfied I am from our interactions and (hopefully increasing) intimacy. Because in retrospect when he was acting out he was treating me the worst. So if his actions towards me and in general are productive, showing desire and peaceful I’m not so worried he has reverted to old habits.

    Sounds to me like you may want to try separating to see if you can find peace on your own since the situation has not improved much for you (regardless of what your PA says.) If it’s driving you crazy constantly it’s not a healthy situation for anyone in the family. Reassess what your goals are. There are other fish in the sea. You deserve to find some happiness.
     
  6. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Hi. Yup, he could be lying. Or just an asexual guy, or gay.
    Perhaps try medication for his PIED now and then so that you can have a basic sexual connection?
    Hope you folk get through all this!
     
  7. u376

    u376 Fapstronaut

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    There is a famous saying
    "The only person who can save yourself is you"
    It means outer motivation is good
    But ultimately it's the inner will which helps us to improve us
    I was/am also a pmo addict
    But I educated myself regarding this
    I correlated all those negative effects
    And then came to conclusion that it is high time to quit this
    I think you should make him read rebooting material.....
    For example "soaring eagle rebooting the best remedy"
    And also he should hate this addiction....
    We all hate this......that's why we are taking efforts to improve
     
    legendsneverdie likes this.
  8. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    We are going on a trip this weekend for a few days. It’s nice that I won’t be disappointed by no sex, like the usual trip, because I am not expecting any this time. But, even without his lack of interest in sex with me causing a disappointment, we still have the big ogling problem. I’m feeling very nervous about it. When I catch him ogling, I immediately feel it in my stomach and chest. Like a sharp blow. It actually manifests physically and it makes me shut down for the rest of the trip. It strips me of any confidence I may have felt in myself or in the relationship getting better, and it just makes me feel like I don’t even wanna be here anymore. What’s the point? I’ll never be enough for him. So... here’s to hoping that this will be the first trip we go on without ogling/making me feel like hot garbage.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  9. Sorry to say this but if it’s been six months and he’s shown no improvement then yes I’m sure he’s been relapsing. Pretty much all of us have numerous relapses, we just get back up and keep trying.
     
  10. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    So to be more clear, it’s been 6 months since D Day. It’s been a little over 4 months since he’s stopped porn and masturbation, allegedly.
     
  11. Then we might be able to give him the benefit of the doubt. If he was severely addicted the process will likely take awhile longer.
     
  12. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    He says he’s been watching porn since he was about 13, so twice as long as he’s been with me. So, if he’s not gotten himself off at all, in any way, in several months, it’s normal for him to have zero libido?
     
  13. That’s typical unfortunately, most of us started in our early teens. As far as his libido, yes it could be very low at times during the reboot. They call it a flatline, it’s a period of time when all sexual desire goes away. This is temporary though.
     
  14. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Hi, Ghost. Well, I ruined the 90 day reboot several times so no, it’s not soon anymore. It was supposed to start 11/13 but we had sex 12/1 and 12/7, and oral sex only 12/14 because he couldn’t get an erection for sex. So, technically- reboot is now as of 12/15 but I have no intention of ruining it this time and I WILL see it through. I’ve done a very good job of forcing myself to disconnect from the sexual side of me, and to see him in a non-sexually attractive way. I’ve swatted away all of his flirting, too. I take compliments and we hug and kiss all the time but if he starts flirting, I just laugh it off or ignore it instead of let it bother me. I just hope that this newly forced sexual dynamic doesn’t ruin any future sexuality between us.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  15. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    I could be wrong,
    but I hope that the 90 days
    will open other non sexual intimacies for you both.

    Almost like old time dating
    with a ‘Ghost’ for a chaparone, perhaps?

    These days I’m trying to do nice things that my SO likes around the house.

    It’s not sex
    or is it?
     
  16. I was simply responding to what I read in this thread. If you know more about the situation then that’s great, help her the best you can.
     
  17. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    The service part is something that’s a part of my living amends to her. I feel closer to her doing that.

    @DesperateHousewife7 and @GhostWriter,
    Using different efforts to partially fill the need
    for intimacy, changing communication.
    It’s nice to see her happy and pleased and is a two way street.

    (Edit; NOT that you don’t give so much,
    I may be just expanding on intimacy variations.)
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2018
    DesperateHousewife7 likes this.
  18. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Oh that’s SEX baby!
     
    Trappist likes this.
  19. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    What would be some good ideas for expanding intimacy to a man? I already do all of the housework.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  20. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Had an anxiety attack at the gym today, and I’m not normally a person with anxiety. Lots of new members, so he and I ended up surrounded by women with insane bodies. Asses like I’ve never seen before. I froze and almost lost it. I felt tears coming, and I wanted to run away. I already had a low self esteem all day today, so that was too much to bear. I wanted to get the hell out of there as soon as possible, and I don’t look forward to future gym sessions anymore. I feel like I’m drowning and fading away in a sea of better looking women. It’s suffocating.

    Why pick a rose
    A single red rose
    Some of her petals fallen
    Her color isn't as bright
    In a field of flowers
    A buffet of beauty
    Drops of dew and shimmering light
    A rose has its thorns
    A rose withers to black
    Why pick a rose
    With all that she lacks
    Among daisies and magnolias
    Sunflowers so tall
    Why pick a rose
    A single red rose
    When you could have them all?
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.

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