So, how long am I in for?

Discussion in 'Significant Other Journals' started by DesperateHousewife7, Sep 18, 2018.

  1. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    Just to play devils advocate, how do you know he isn't cheating on you with another woman?
    Also, could he be gay? I don't think so since you mention he ogles at women.
     
  2. ClaritySeeker

    ClaritySeeker Fapstronaut

    What do you mean by this?
     
  3. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Unless I purchase a full squat rack and a ton of other machinery required for the heavy lifting I do, and a stair master for my cardio, it would be impossible for me to work out at home. I lift heavy 4-5 days a week and do cardio, so the gym is a requirement until I win the lottery. And I’m not going to let his disease get in the way of my gains.

    No, I only feel this way when he is there. I hardly notice anyone when he’s not there but as soon as he goes with me, (or when he goes alone without me!!!) I’m suddenly on high anxiety mode for who he could be looking at. I know there’s literally nothing I can do about it but being 5’10” and lean, I don’t have a large booty which seems to be all the rage and all up in our faces on every Instagram “model” so when I’m surrounded by women who all have huge asses, it paralyzes me with self consciousness and the sudden awareness that my husband is just getting another reminder that other women are more fun to look at.
     
  4. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    That would be highly, highly unlikely. I know where he is 24/7. He works with his family, so I have proof of that all day, I have proof of when he goes to therapy and then other than that he’s with me. He never does anything out of the house without me besides therapy. Not even going out with friends except once a year or so when I force him to. So, I can’t inagine when he would possibly have the time for anything like that. But his watching porn on his phone instead of having sex with me IS a cheating problem so, it’s all the same.
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.
  5. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Same reason. We both do heavy weights. It really sucks because it’s not avoidable unless we stop trying to reach our fitness goals. So the only option is to go and hope that he doesn’t ogle...
     
  6. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Umm, I don’t know of any tools specifically for ogling. He may be implementing them privately in his mind, I’m not sure. I don’t know what any of those are. He is actively working on his PA but idk about the ogling part.
     
  7. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    My husband used to wear a rubber band on his wrist that he would snap whenever he felt the urge to ogle. It helped him break the habit.
     
  8. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Did he do it in front of you? I feel like it would make me feel even more self conscious seeing him do that and I’d start obsessing over who he was trying to ogle.
     
  9. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    This works for me:

    Will look away, but also will
    Look for the thing I need to see instead,
    If that makes sense?

    Is it traffic? Something I’m meant to see instead?
    Yeah, there is a higher power thing there.

    Sorry he won’t talk about it.
    That must be so difficult.
     
    Bogo Biggins likes this.
  10. noexcuses

    noexcuses Fapstronaut

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    What about he goes and works out at 4:00 AM? That's when The Rock does it. There can't be that many people in the gym at that time. Then there would be no ogling to stand in the way of those sweet gains.
     
  11. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, he told me that on the days he needs to go alone, he will go first thing in the morning before work when it’s all senior citizens. I feel better about that. I talked to him about how I feel about the gym and he told me that he was aware of the women, and he consciously avoided looking in their direction. He even said that twice, he stopped what he was doing and moved on to a different workout when one of the women came to workout on a machine in front of him or next to him. He said he was aware of how I was probably feeling so he was alert about it all. That did make me feel better.
     
  12. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Honestly the worst fucking part of all of this is how he treats me. It’s not that he relapsed after 7 months of gaining my trust and doing well. It’s not that I have to be paranoid and hurt all over again. It’s not that once again, I have to feel like I’m never going to be enough. It’s when he comes home and insults me for not having fed the kids dinner yet. It gets mad at me for not wanting to go to the gym with him. Because I’m so fucking depressed right now that I don’t care if I die, let alone go to the fucking gym. Making myself get up and do anything feels near impossible right now. The fact that he has the audacity to walk around this home that he doesn’t even deserve to have, and complain and be angry and rude.. is appealing to me. It makes me hate him. The LEAST he can do is be understanding and empathetic to what he fucking causes. Fuck him.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  13. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Perhaps it is time to visit a professional. At least a doctor as things sound like they are getting heavy.
     
    Trappist likes this.
  14. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    So we talked last night. I spent all day fuming angry so I’m glad I feel better today. He apologized to me for everything, and for having a slip up. He didn’t have an explanation for how or why it happened but he’s made some plans to further prevent access in his workplace. We concluded that he didn’t have a full blown relapse, just a couple slips. I understand. People are human. And I still think he is doing really well for only having a slip up now 7 months in. I’m still proud of all his progress. I am concerned that he may have made a mistake by stopping his therapy and meetings but he insists he doesn’t need them and he can bounce back on his own. I guess we will see..
     
  15. Susannah

    Susannah Fapstronaut

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    They do seem oblivious. Part of the disease... or so I've heard. So sorry you are feeling this way. You DO NOT deserved to be treated the way he is treating you. You DO deserve some taking care of. Hugs.
     
  16. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    If YOU need the meetings then that should be enough. He should know that err on the side of caution is better and at the very least he should be able to work on empathy by listening and helping others in the groups. Goodness knows that if we all just journaled here these forums wouldn't be so useful. Understanding and helping others makes us stronger and builds a community that holds us all up.

    From your other posts....I don't think you are really wanting to be in a "we will see" position. I'm glad you and your SO talked about it openly (er, even if not when the relapse happened I think?), but your trust isn't robust enough to just wait and see. Him starting back on some recovery work I would think would help you have a larger reserve of trust which would be good for both of you.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  17. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Will I ever get to be a normal wife? I guess I got excited and hopeful too soon when our relationship was finally getting better and he was finally showing interest in me. Thought it would be lovely to give him a boudoir album of me for his birthday. Spent all the money, had my hair and makeup professionally done... and for nothing. I can’t give it to him. Why do I wanna be just another one of the women he looks at? Fuck that. I’ll keep it for myself and maybe one day I’ll have a husband who would actually appreciate and treasure something like that. Or his wife in lingerie in general. Or his wife wanting to have sex with him all the time in general. Until then, back to my corner I go to know that my place in this marriage is nobody special and I’ll never ever be enough for him.
     
    Susannah likes this.
  18. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    YOU ARE SOMEBODY SPECIAL...change your mantra...immediately. Get up and take control of your life. Look at your boudoir pictures, I bet you’re pretty darn attractive, inviting and warm.
    You deserve more than a corner, you deserve a throne. In fact every “SO”DESERVES TO BE SITTING ON A THRONE. Honoured, valued and treasured.
    This porn addiction etc...belongs to the PA...NOT YOU. It’s his job to heal it. Let him prove his love to you by doing just that.
    So if you can imagine it...be the queen bee you are meant to be.
    Prayers and high fives are with you...YOU GO GIRL
     
    Susannah likes this.
  19. DesperateHousewife7

    DesperateHousewife7 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I know I am attractive and inviting and warm. I know I deserve all those things. But what good does knowing that do me if the ONLY MAN I can be with, doesn’t seem to agree? This is it. This is the marriage I ended up with. I get to be treated like nothing special. Nothing attractive about me matters. Even when he compliments me it’s just horse shit to me. What’s the point?
     
    Susannah likes this.
  20. Lostneverland

    Lostneverland Fapstronaut

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    Who says you have to stay? Or stay with that frame of mind? You have choices, remember boundaries are there for your protection . What are your boundaries?
    Your thoughts determine your reality. If you believe you are less than, it’s been my experience that that is exactly how my husband will treat me.
    The thing that motivated my PA was when I said, “I’m not scared any longer, so either step up or step out of the way.” That’s when he disclosed his addiction to me. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I went into shock, Instantly .
    So let me get this straight...
    You’re young, attractive,warm,loving , eager to please, and love your husband. Why are you settling for less than you deserve? You don’t have to take this addiction laying down. There are SANON meetings . They truly are a life saver. The support of like minded and experienced women offer so much. The growth you would experience is life altering. You learn to accept what you can’t change and change what you can. This sex addiction/porn addiction thing sucks, there’s no doubt about it. It hits a woman to the core. Every aspect of our lives is assaulted. I understand your pain ,isolation, and low self appraisal...but it’s not you...HONEST IT ISNT..
    The COURAGE OF A LIONESS IS BEING SENT YOUR WAY...be strong..
     

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