So, how long am I in for?

DesperateHousewife7 said:
Thank you. I know I am attractive and inviting and warm. I know I deserve all those things. But what good does knowing that do me if the ONLY MAN I can be with, doesn’t seem to agree? This is it. This is the marriage I ended up with. I get to be treated like nothing special. Nothing attractive about me matters. Even when he compliments me it’s just horse shit to me. What’s the point?
Click to expand...
Right. Often people think we SOs suffer from low self-esteem (I know some do), when in fact, we suffer even more from the fact that those we love don't esteem us.
 
For me,I made excuses for the emotional abuse. I knew he had a rough childhood, actually intensely so abusive he hasn’t even comprehended how much. Thank goodness he’s working with a therapist to bring him through it.

Anyway, I made excuses, and figured if I was patient enough, loved him enough, he would open up. In actuality, I was enabling. It wasn’t until I said I was leaving that he opened his eyes so speak. Once I understood the cause his abusive behaviour, the tables turned.

When he is evasive, stonewalling, gaslighting or rude in looks and words, I call him on it. The fact of the matter is, although I love him, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

I have since walked out on him in a grocery store and told him, in no uncertain terms, the next time he talks to me in that tone, I will not be waiting for him. He can walk home. We live 20 miles from the nearest town.

We are on a three month trial...then we renegotiate the terms. I will NOT be coerced, manipulated or bullied into an unhealthy situation. If he wants to be with me..it’s up to him to prove it...in actions, deeds and words.

My heart goes out to the spouses, we are incredibly strong emotionally and we don’t have to accept bad behaviour. Strength be with you all.
 
Thank you ladies for your responses. I enjoy reading them.


I am feeling better today. He came home from lunch and asked me to enter in the password to his program that allows him to download/delete apps, so I did, and he deleted imgur. I asked why he did that and he said that I told him a while ago that I didn’t feel comfortable with that app if there was any inappropriate images on there and he said he hadn’t seen any, but today he came across a sexy cosplay image on the front page and it made him feel uncomfortable because of what I had said. So, knowing that he took the initiative and took that step is really great. I also suggested (because he doesn’t like his previous therapist because he doesn’t feel that they help him/they just want his money) that he try Talkspace the online therapist so he can at least have someone to talk to when need be and for accountability and he said it was a great idea.
 
He doesn’t usually share his feelings or update me on any of this, unless I ask and pry long enough. And I’ve gotten used to that, because he does tell me about the important things. The other night, he had a lot to drink and we were laying in bed bullshitting around, and he started telling me a lot of stuff. He told me about how he gets temptations and wants to go look at porn or masturbate, and how he has to leave the room to help get rid of the feeling.

And I lay there, just listening to him, and it made me feel absolutely nauseous. As he’s telling me this stuff, all I hear is how my husband finds it difficult on a day to day basis to not go look at/get off to other women. My husband has to actually get up and leave the room to fight the urge to be unfaithful to me. He spent 7 years giving in to those exact urges on a daily basis and now, in the same workplace, with the same access to tablets with internet and incognito, he is fighting those urges. Every day. And it hit me with a massive wave of nausea (and again as I type this) that my husband is an actual legitimate addict. An addict of other women. An addict of utilizing other women for his sexual desires and needs. Our entire marriage.

I guess I am just suffering emotionally because I want to be there for him, I want to support him in all of his life’s struggles but nobody ever prepared me for the struggle at hand being that he can’t control himself from being unfaithful to me. You know how fucking hard that is to do? To submit yourself in partnership to helping a partner who spent your whole marriage cheating? And having to listen to them tell you about how hard it is for them to abstain from that? It rips me apart inside, makes me feel like a completely inadequate and unsatisfying spouse, makes me feel like a damn fool, a weak woman, a female cuck. Fuck, it’s so hard. It’s harder than when he doesn’t tell me.
 
Yes it is their drug of choice. I really don’t know where I’d stand on the continued use of porn. I guess time will tell. I’ll be thinking about you , prayers and strength are being sent your way.
Hold your head high, and remember it’s not about your being inferior. You are incredibly strong.
 
DesperateHousewife7 said:
He doesn’t usually share his feelings or update me on any of this, unless I ask and pry long enough. And I’ve gotten used to that, because he does tell me about the important things. The other night, he had a lot to drink and we were laying in bed bullshitting around, and he started telling me a lot of stuff. He told me about how he gets temptations and wants to go look at porn or masturbate, and how he has to leave the room to help get rid of the feeling.

And I lay there, just listening to him, and it made me feel absolutely nauseous. As he’s telling me this stuff, all I hear is how my husband finds it difficult on a day to day basis to not go look at/get off to other women. My husband has to actually get up and leave the room to fight the urge to be unfaithful to me. He spent 7 years giving in to those exact urges on a daily basis and now, in the same workplace, with the same access to tablets with internet and incognito, he is fighting those urges. Every day. And it hit me with a massive wave of nausea (and again as I type this) that my husband is an actual legitimate addict. An addict of other women. An addict of utilizing other women for his sexual desires and needs. Our entire marriage.

I guess I am just suffering emotionally because I want to be there for him, I want to support him in all of his life’s struggles but nobody ever prepared me for the struggle at hand being that he can’t control himself from being unfaithful to me. You know how fucking hard that is to do? To submit yourself in partnership to helping a partner who spent your whole marriage cheating? And having to listen to them tell you about how hard it is for them to abstain from that? It rips me apart inside, makes me feel like a completely inadequate and unsatisfying spouse, makes me feel like a damn fool, a weak woman, a female cuck. Fuck, it’s so hard. It’s harder than when he doesn’t tell me.
Click to expand...
I just wish with all my heart that I had something to say that would ease your pain. Time will hopefully resolve your hurt and give you the wisdom and peace that you need. You don't walk alone ever. Sending you hugs of strength!
 
Lostneverland said:
Yes it is their drug of choice. I really don’t know where I’d stand on the continued use of porn. I guess time will tell. I’ll be thinking about you , prayers and strength are being sent your way.
Hold your head high, and remember it’s not about your being inferior. You are incredibly strong.
Click to expand...
Thank you so much.
 
He’s having ED again. Followed by zero sexual interest for a long period of time. And my PTSD is in full effect. He told me that he just isn’t in the mood, and that he doesn’t wanna keep trying if it doesn’t work. He insists he’s not watching porn or masturbating. Just not in the mood. Just a coincidence. Meanwhile, I am reading story after story after story of the same exact thing. “They don’t stop, they just get better at hiding”... secret phones, cam girls, etc. I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right. I mean, if he was capable of looking me in the eye for 7 years and lying to me about everything, what makes me think he isn’t just lying better now? He literally cried with me and told me he wished he knew what was wrong with him and that he would fix it if he knew. He blamed low T until lab tests disproved that, he blamed anxiety until getting on meds (yes, he went that far) didn’t change a thing. He went to GREAT lengths for almost a decade to hide his porn addiction from me. What the fuck makes me think he’s suddenly going to become a completely different person and be honest and forthcoming? Especially when he’s still acting exactly the same...

Fuck. I don’t even WANT to know the truth. It makes me sick to even think of the possibilities of what I don’t know. But I’d rather just know than be stuck in this miserable purgatory another goddamn year, and another and another. Just like every single year of my marriage has been since day 1. He’s been in a relationship with porn for much longer than with me. I am the mistress. I hate my fucking life.
 
Sorry to hear what you're going through. In my last relationship, I was becoming that guy. I had an insanely hot gf but had extreme difficulty connecting with her and also thought it was Low T. As leading upto that relationship I had still been a porn user and maintained a good sex life.

This thread has been an extreme wake up call for me. Would he be open to joining this forum? I'd be happy to chat with him man to man if he liked. Although I imagine that might be a stretch.

Just a thought.
 
DesperateHousewife7 said:
He’s having ED again. Followed by zero sexual interest for a long period of time. And my PTSD is in full effect. He told me that he just isn’t in the mood, and that he doesn’t wanna keep trying if it doesn’t work. He insists he’s not watching porn or masturbating. Just not in the mood. Just a coincidence. Meanwhile, I am reading story after story after story of the same exact thing. “They don’t stop, they just get better at hiding”... secret phones, cam girls, etc. I can’t shake the feeling that something isn’t right. I mean, if he was capable of looking me in the eye for 7 years and lying to me about everything, what makes me think he isn’t just lying better now? He literally cried with me and told me he wished he knew what was wrong with him and that he would fix it if he knew. He blamed low T until lab tests disproved that, he blamed anxiety until getting on meds (yes, he went that far) didn’t change a thing. He went to GREAT lengths for almost a decade to hide his porn addiction from me. What the fuck makes me think he’s suddenly going to become a completely different person and be honest and forthcoming? Especially when he’s still acting exactly the same...

Fuck. I don’t even WANT to know the truth. It makes me sick to even think of the possibilities of what I don’t know. But I’d rather just know than be stuck in this miserable purgatory another goddamn year, and another and another. Just like every single year of my marriage has been since day 1. He’s been in a relationship with porn for much longer than with me. I am the mistress. I hate my fucking life.
Click to expand...

This makes me tear up reading this. Brings back bad memories of when my husband was in the thick of PA. I am so sorry you are going through this! How are you doing? Please update us. Thinking of you!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top