So I am a homosexual now (Severe depression, flatline, pied, hocd)?

Discussion in 'Problematic Sexual Behavior' started by zuzu123, May 28, 2019.

  1. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

    Well never thought I would make this topic but it feels like nofap made me realise im a homosexual lol.

    So when I started porn when I was like 12 years old. I started with looking at naked women and straight porn. Browsed all categories of straight porn basically. I maybe watched like transexual/gay porn like 2-3 time during my teens but gave me severe anxiety and disgust. I always switched back to hetero to finish. I had terrible social anxiety. I just played video games all day and than fap to porn at night to be able to sleep. So it basically went on till my 22nd year.

    I do remember in my early teens around 14/15 I could just get hard by thoughts of woman and was always fantasizing about some teachers big boobs or other girls. I know this one time when I was 17 and some cute girl came and talk to me, I got alrdy half erect by just talking to her.

    I had a girlfriend when I was 13 but didn't had sex bcuz we lived pretty far apart. I had a few girls I liked through my high school, but never really acted on it bcuz I was satisfied by porn. I needed porn to make me relax. I kisses like 8 girls during my teens but thats it. I think when I was like 17 the depression really kicked in. I had no sexdrive, no motivation. I was also in the flatline, I couldn't get aroused by just porn. I had to masturbate to porn and even than it wasnt that hard anymore. I ejaculated and slept and I kept jerking off a half erect penis to porn. I felt asexual. I escalated to beastiality and even started thinking that maybe I had to jerk off to children. That triggered me to really stop the porn and fapping and better my life.

    I started nofap September last year. Quiting wasnt that hard as expected but I replaced my fapping addiction with video game addiction. I went like 2 weeks without and than relapsed again to porn, not because I felt horny. Just because I was stressed and used it as a stress relieve. Most of time I used porn was actually because of a stress relieve. So in November, during a nights out. She was really pretty and I really liked her. She later asked me to come to her room. I had drank a few cups of alcohol and had relapsed 2 days before it. I knew it probably wast going to work, but I still went and wanted to try. I kissed her, but I didnt feel aroused at all. Nothing downstairs happened. Well after 1 min I already didn't want to continue. I was like wtf nothing is moving but she is super hot. I blamed on that I had drank too much alcohol. I felt in love with this girl after and we continued the contact still. After this humiliating experience I started reading more into nofap. I found info about PIED... Well I had that and even with porn I couldn't get hard anymore it was too boring. I had to masturbate to get it a bit hard.

    Well so I continued reading into the topic of Pied it all made sense. I went without porn for a week or two and than relapsed bcuz of stress. It basically continued like that for months until like January. I was seeing this girl again. Well I drank alcohol again, we kissed for and foreplay for like 30-45 mins my erect went to like 60%. I didn't want to have sex. I simply didn't feel aroused. We tried for days... well the 3rd day it finally worked for like 70% and I cummed in like 1 min after entering her. I was so depressed after. I really didn't know what happened. She is super beautiful, I love her but I cant feel aroused to her. She asked my what is wrong and thought she was not good looking enough for me. I said that it wasnt it, than I told her about my porn addiction. She understood.

    So the depression really kicked in. My dick felt dead, I could only get hard for like 70% with porn and masturbating. I felt like my penis was not working and got really scared that it might never work again. I started seeing the doctor and went to the urologist. They didn't really find anything but they blamed it on the depression and the porn addiction. I wasn't satisfied still. I asked for some Clalis to help with the sex, to make me feel less anxious and maybe I would be able to have sex.

    I started exercising to increase the blood flow into my penis and cure the depression. I had hope in it. I started getting morning woods, which I never had in my teens. So in April I met the girl again. I took the pills, we did some foreplay for 10 mins and I had an erect for like 70-80%. We had sex and I came in 1-2 mins. I felt it was way better than before, although it still didn't really felt satisfying or that aroused. Although I still enjoyed the sex and cumming, but it was not that better than porn and masturbating. We had sex many times. Some days my dick was harder and some days it was softer. 1 or 2 times I didn't get hard enough for sex. Mainly if she rushed things, like grabbing my dick immediately and trying to jerk me off. I completely went soft. Overall I was happy but not satisfied for sure. We had sex like 10-15 times in the end in like 3 weeks. Well the 3rd week my erection were like 50-60%, I felt both mentally and physically drained of too much sex.

    So in April the worst part of my life started. I was going insane and was super depressed why it wasn't going that much better after quiting porn on and off for months. I told my parent why I felt so depressed. I said I had a porn addiction for years. Thats why I never had desire to have sex. I said that I am healing now but the sex isn't that great and I was depressed. Than my dad said smthing like oh atleast ur not gay than. Immediately I felt attacked, I was like wtf me gay why would you think that? He just said I dont know. I try to forget what he said, but than I thought what if I am gay and was never straight. The HOCD started. I went insane 24/7 I kept reading about hocd stories, sexual orientation, did orientation tests, looked at good looking guys in the eyes to see if I was aroused or not. I reflected my whole life and if I ever had gay experiences. I did had some but I never thought I was gay and never enjoyed the thoughts or acts. With this I mean fingering g-spot while jerking off or the few times I watched gay porn. Than I thought about social anxiety it was mostly with guys. I always thought this was bcuz of I was bullied in the past and felt inferior and was scared to look them in the face. I was always scared they would judge me and bully me bcuz of my appearance. I was also anxious around girls, but atleast I didnt feel they would judge me and I felt more dominant over them. I even started reflecting my friends. Yes they are all good looking but I never thought I wanted to have sex with them or kiss them. I even felt anxious around them at first but after getting to know them more I felt relaxed. I was even thinking maybe the friend I have I desire to be with not as friend but as relations.

    So the moment has come I finally decided to checkout gay porn. The thoughts made me so anxious already. I watched it and felt even more anxious. It felt really disgusting, taboo and weird. It was same level as childporn material for me. But than it happened my penis got some erection. That was the drop, now I am gay I thought. I cant get hard from straight/female/normal porn anymore but I can get aroused a bit from gay porn. I felt in the worst depression of my life. For 22 years I was straight but than in 2 months my sexual orientation felt like it was changed. I cant/couldn't believe it still. I kept checking forums and kept checking gay porn if I got aroused. I did got erect again a bit, not fully. It felt weird that it was not me. I was shocked what I was watching and didn't enjoy it at all, but still my penis did something else.

    I am so depressed right now... I am seeing a psychiatrist and told this story aswell. They say it is an clinical depression and an OCD. But I still cant accept that bcuz I got aroused by a man. I got thought of men 24/7 in my head now and it kept saying im gay. I couldn't stop it at all, I still cant stop it. It just happens automatically without me wanting it. I want it to stop because it feels it not me or what I want. I have nothing against gay's but I am heterosexual..well I thought. I isolated myself at home, whenever I go out I feel so anxious around men. I cant look them in the eyes. I am just thinking, you maybe will get aroused by them and want to have sex with them. I dont even find the men attractive I am get anxious around.

    My parents/girlfriend seem going downhill. I told my parents that I will never be happy bcuz im a homosexual. I had an anxiety attack and couldn't breath normally and almost passed out. They didnt really cared about me being homosexual. But It didnt help me at all I even got more depressed, bcuz I am/dont want be homosexual. I am a heterosexual I love women and always chased girls. But the HOCD/depression/pied doubting all that. I almost wanted to breakup with my girlfriend bcuz of all this. It feels like I am using her and lieing. I still have some hope that it will be alright but I am scared that it will not be. I told my parents that when I see my girlfriend again in 1 month Im going to have a nice vacation with her, have sex. I am gonna tell her all and than breakup and kill myself. That shocked them. Again I have nothing against homosexuals, but I cant be that. I dont want to have sex with men or a relation. I am afraid that I am either going to be lonely for the rest of my life or going to have to act upon it. I am rather dead that live my life as a homosexual...those are some big words but I mean it. My girlfriend is the only reason why I am still alive. I have no contact anymore with friends. I dont have motivation to do anything. I am just sitting at home playing video-games.

    I am really lost...I am 6 days in nofap, I am getting homosexual thoughts still. I meditate and try to find hope in recovery stories. But the more I read the worse I feel. I have to stop. I have to ignore it all and just do 90 days without porn. I am just scared that nothing will change and am still the same after..

    I've lost all hope... I have to cry bcuz of probably losing the most beautiful amazing girlfriend I have....Sexuality was never important for me to be honest. But I realise that the life I wanted I wont have. That I dont want to study/work if in the end I wont have a wife and marry her with children. Gay people can have children and be happy but dont want that life. It already feels weird to sleep in one bed with friends during a sleep over. I didnt had sex thoughts or anything like that but I wouldn't want to sleep with them in bed more often.

    I have some hope still but I am afraid of being/become homosexual.....
    TimeToQuitNow likes this.
  2. Zorglub

    Zorglub Fapstronaut

    Hey! The world is not divided between gays one one side and straight on the other. Most people have some degree or potential of pan-sexuality depending on taste and circumstances. It's ok. What is important is not sex but love. Can you fall a love with a man, wanting to kiss him, stroke his (more or less) hairy body, cuddle etc..? Personally, I can fuck men (and I did) but I can't imagine living with one and raise children with one. I don't consider myself as gay also it would be hypocritical to say I'm completely straight. But that's ok, I don't say it around me because it's my business, it's my intimacy, but I'm not ashamed of it (it took me a few years to get there). So don't mix problems. Take care of that beautiful relationship you were describing, stay away from porn that is destroying your libido, and even if this one doesn't work out, you'll be better prepared for the next one, with a woman or a man, or both (;-).

    Take care
  3. parad0x

    parad0x Fapstronaut

    I'm no expert. But I don't think you're gay, but you do seem to have an intense fear of being so, which is probably a good indicator you're not.

    So with that said, probably best to abstain to all PMO of an extended period. During this time the thoughts will flow, they might be intense sometimes. The key I have found with intrusive thoughts is not to fight them. But recognize them, don't analyze them and move on. Resisting them makes them stronger. Acknowledging them without a fight in your head robs them of their power over you.

    Over time without any PMO, (how long? I don't know) they will slowly diminish and you'll be left with your trueself. More than likely a straight male.

    The key for now is to stop the overthinking. If you're going to obsess over something, find something healthy and obsessed with that. Examples: Fitness, Reading, Education, Starting a business online.

    Hope that helps
    Deleted Account likes this.
  4. InnerFaith

    InnerFaith Fapstronaut

    i dont think you are homosexual at all,
    i think the andrenaline rush that goes with obssesive guilt and shame is triggering some arousal in your case, but im just an armchair expert, what do i know..

    also, i read somewhere that you sayd you used fapping as a stress reliefe, like, fapped just for the sake of dopamine rush, used sex as a medication for voidness of feelings.. bro, this is a sure way to get yourself into a bottomless pit of sexual chaos and confusion, that way sex loses context and its all about arousal not matter what, thats how you end up to children and gays, just like a light junkie ends up with heroine etc..

    in my opinion, the real issue here is your ocd, and the way that ocd is leading your behaviours and shaping your life around itself.. i would sugest you to treat the ocd and leave the sexual orientation issue to after you are dealing deeply with therapy against your ocd.

    more than this, i dont think any intelectual idea will solve your issues, since its not your mind or intelect that dragged you down to that in the first place. i think its a case of taming your sex drive, rehabing, avoid fapping and porn, tunneling the frustration to resist the urge to fap, no matter if its straight oriented or not.
    i think its a behavioural pattern change that is the most important issue here, and i think the confused sexuality is part of a reflection of a confused mind that needs help to settle down and stop.

    also, man to man, let me tell you, that as a man your sexuality is like an axe, if uncontrolled it can lash out and cut everybody around, if controlled it will be cutting woods and being a tool to serve you.
    as men we have to be under self control over our urges, or else it will be the police and law that fill the void of control, it will be the jail that will contain us if we can not.
  5. IGY

    IGY Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    @zuzu123, you have been diagnosed with clinical depression and an OCD. That is at the centre of what is going on. There are different types of OCD, but because of your long-standing porn addiction, you appear to have homosexual-OCD or HOCD. Here is an excellent quotation from yesterday:
    InnerFaith likes this.
  6. I can give you an advice which might really help you go through it. As everybody said just keep going no matter what, I mean about nofap. I will share my experience and it's kind of similar situation with yours. Life gives you triggers everyday, some are severe about something, some are minor, but you have to go through them in more natural way you know(no P,alcohol or smth to help you deal with stress)
    For example, When I was PMO'ing I didn't realized aswell that I was kind of depressed/sad about life,even though my life as I felt was good. So I am on my 90+days now and from the start it was very easy for me, because I realized that I really really wanted to stop it, but most importantly to heal myself from panic attacks, which definetly caused by PMO, because of social anxiety I had from it.
    So I will try to tell my experience about those triggers.Hope you understand.
    So I M once every weekend before and as the week went further to friday I get more anxious,and PMO helped me to sleep very well and relaxed,which was not true. So before weekends when I was about to PMO, doesn't matter what I did, if it was just going for a walk or surfing internet, I get big triggers, such as seeing very attractive woman or so. which lead me to PMO very easily at that time. Now I get triggers from time to time as before of course,because it's life,gives you kind of challenges, but I already made conversation inside myself about pmo and it goes through me easily that doesn't leads to relapse.

    So... As you said now when you doing Nofap, life gives you those bad thoughts that you would feel stress/anxiety that leads you to relapse(it's kind of PAWS), but stay on track, everything is gonna be alright I promise.
    I read that you really don't like the thoughts about homosexuality at all, so I think it's good indication that you are not and it's just a test, giving you that triggers and making you to relieve stress, but you need to get through those thoughts,emotions,talk to yourself and try to calm down, after that you will feel better, trust the process! One day at the time,brother!
  7. zuzu123

    zuzu123 Fapstronaut

    Thank you for the nice words guys...I still have some hope...It is really hard...I never had homosexual urges before the HOCD (2 months ago). It keeps forcing me to fantasize about gay sex even though I doesn't arouse me, not even the guys that are good looking or I get anxious from. I also have sex thoughts about girls all the time and I think I felt some groinal response today. It is hard to stop the thoughts/fantasizing. I keep looking at beautiful women/singers everyday on YouTube which isnt helping me at all with the reboot. If I dont do it, I get the urge to mastrubate and ejeculate to stop the horniness.

    If I force myself the thought of having sex, kissing, being inmate with a man I dont get aroused but rather disgusted. I really dont want and cant have sex with males. Although the HOCD says sometimes I have to do it bcuz maybe I will like it and that will be the proof that im truely gay. Too be honest I think most people homosexual tendencies in them and definitely after years of porn use. The thing I scared the most that I was never an heterosexual. That I chased the wrong people.

    Yes I really love my girlfriend.. more than myself and or anyone else, but I dont have butterflies in my stomach. I am just really happy with her and want to hold her, kiss her and be intimate all the time. I only felt butterflies for first 3 weeks but than something happened that broke all that and it never came back. I recall this feeling with another girl a long time ago and keep that as benchmark as falling in love. I never had this with guys although I do feel happy around my friends, that is normal right?

    I don't think I can continue with my girlfriend if I dont feel as much love and horniness as she does. She wants to get fucked by me everyday, she keeps kissing me. I want to feel more than this...even though I always iniated/wanted the sex first.

    Today I got an huge urge to mastrubate and watch porn to make everything go away. I resisted and the urge pasted and I just feel normal, forcing sexual thoughts on me doesnt arouse me.

    I am scared what I will be after rebooting and it is driving me nuts...I feel like my whole life was a lie and that I wont have a future. That I will probably end up killing myself bcuz nothing will change.

    Today at school I felt super anxious around other men. I couldnt look them in the eyes or be near them. Sometimes I looked from far at them and I felt just normal, no sexual thought or attraction. Just being near them makes me so anxious. I only could look my friend from school in the eyes, but I want completely at ease. He is good looking, but im not anxious or sexual attracted to him or either of my friends. I really dont know what the fuk is going on.

    Friday I have an a appointment with the OCD-specialist in the psychiatry, hope it will help me. I alrdy spoke to him and said I just had to stop googling, going to forums and thinking about it bcuz it makes it worse. Well I am still doing it as long as I do it I wont escape the OCD.

  8. TimeToQuitNow

    TimeToQuitNow Fapstronaut

    You're only 6 days in. Go a few months and see if you are still gay.

    Don't stress too much. Just don't focus and sex or porn and focus on other areas of your life

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