So I got drunk the other night...

This forum may not be the place for this. Honestly I don’t know the place for this.

My reason for giving up porn was the same as many of you. Obsession, hours wasted, sinking into an abyss of increasingly deviant sexual interests, PIED, Delayed ejaculation, etc...

So it has been I don’t even know how long (my counter knows) since I have looked at porn. Sometimes I miss it, sometimes I don’t. I have chosen not to refrain from sex with my wife or as time has gone on, masturbation. Low frequency in the beginning has gradually increased. Not to the frequency of my former habit and my wife is always involved. My drive is much higher than hers and through talking out my struggles we have made strides in taking care of my needs (which are actually wants).

Some of my fetishes have faded. Some have not. I started counciling right before quarantine and continued via phone. Pretty worthless and when everything reopens I’m going to try to find someone else. My wife, although some of the fetishes made her uncomfortable has been mostly concerned about my guilt and self loathing post-orgasm. I’m trying to work on that.

I got really into cuckold fantasies just prior to hitting my rock bottom. That was what upset her. I have avoided those fantasies since.

So I got drunk the other night and I was chatting with a mutual friend of ours online and he confessed to me that the reason his wife left him was because she had taken up a female lover. Blew my mind and of course I relayed this to my wife. She jokingly threw out the “If you ever left me for another guy...” and things just went from there.

I essentially came out to whatever I am...which is a mystery to me. Nothing shocked her but she was happy that I could verbalize everything and admit to my feelings while not working towards an orgasm.

Essentially I am only attracted to women. I can identify an attractive man but I think that is probably something that any man should be able to do (correct me if I’m wrong). I just don’t feel any romantic/sexual attraction to the same sex. However...I do have an attraction to possible sexual acts with men. Now this attraction really only involves my wife being there. The thought of just being with a man does nothing for me and is somewhat repulsive. I also find male on male porn repulsive(not judging at all, it just has negative effects on my libido).

I have a semen fetish as well as a bit of a humiliation fetish. The act that I find myself desiring the vast majority of the time is performing oral on a man. This is right up there with cleaning my wife after she has been used or her dumping semen into my mouth after performing oral.

I feel that the desire to give a blow job developed likely as a means to an end since the only way to get semen currently results in me having an orgasm and thus losing the desire.

This also makes me wonder if the cuckolding fetish caused this or if the cuckold scenario was a way for me to ease into getting some cock. I honestly don’t know. Chicken and the egg.

Based off of the way I have talked (and asked her to talk) during play she kinda figured all of this. She is okay with it, it kind of turns her on now that I have fully admitted it. Likely will never happen but who knows. She asked about me getting penetrated by another man and I told her that it isn’t something I could see happening but I’m sure if we did end up having a MFM with some MM mixed in I could possibly see wanting it someday.
In a way, being accepting of my desires has been freeing, but in another way it has not. I can’t find a label of what I am. I don’t think I fit the bisexual label because as wrong as I know it is, when it comes to the same sex I am only attracted to the act, not the person. Or I guess you could say I’m objectifying the person and only need them for their cock.

My wife feels that due to the fact that I am hypersexual, it is natural that over time and due to the quantity of my experiences of sexual desire that it is going to cause me to branch out. I guess that is true. She brought up that sexual fluidity is more commonly accepted for females but that it makes sense for men to be that way too. Also makes sense.

I have read threads in here about men having a desire for another penis in their life due to watching so many at work in porn. It made sense to me and still does. Most of these threads are full of people trying to fight it and make it go away. I tried that and I don’t think that is happening.

I think I prefer at this point to accept it and move on. I just don’t know where to go from here. Has Porn caused me to have an artificial sexuality or has porn just brought the desire out in me?

I am a straight (?) male who sometimes wants to take a cock to the face while my wife watches on. Maybe she is licking his balls...who knows... What the hell is this called???