SO leaving, I'm beside myself

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by Recovering PA, Aug 2, 2018.

  1. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    I'm looking for some advice on here from SOs as PAs see it from a different angle.

    My ex SO is still living in my house and said that the only reason she is leaving is that she's not enough for me. How do I convince her she is?

    A little back story: we've been together around 3.5 years and I've had PIED right through this relationship due to finding porn at an early age and never giving it up for a real relationship. I blamed my ex wife and every other little thing for my erection problems until my SO found this site, got me here and enlightened me. Since Jan I have abstained from P and M but had a few trip ups with performance and putting my foot in my mouth with suggestions. My SO had a terrible journey with weight loss, depression and other mental health worries which really sent her to rock bottom, she has turned the corner and feeling better but not straight forward.

    I asked my SO about what she thought of me and she said that it's only as a lover i fail. I wish this wasn't the case but the facts don't lie. I am free from P and M and healthy. My mental health (anxiety and stress) affects performance and sets doubts with my SO.

    Is there any substance with me trying to convince her and her daughter who gets on very well with me to stay before she finally moves out? Whenever I ask how she is she says heartbroken and trying to keep busy. I've hurt her so much and want to build a great relationship and make up for my wrongs.

    Thank you for reading.
    moonesque likes this.
  2. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    Just convince her she is the only one and abstain from PMO, this is the only thing you can do. I wish you luck.
    Jason_Tesla_19 and Recovering PA like this.
  3. I wish I could help you. I’ve been with my
    Husband 18 years. He doesn’t have pied. But he has just hurt me so badly all the years with choosing porn over me. That I want to end it. I don’t think I can get over it anymore. I want him to leave I don’t want to leave my house right now with my children. Idk how to get him to go. He won’t leave.

    Have you seen a dr? If it’s only performance issue can they give you pills for that?
    Recovering PA likes this.
  4. AngelofDarkness

    AngelofDarkness Fapstronaut

    I can see where your SO is coming from and I'm dealing with the same issues. Addiction or not, woman or man, most people will argue that it's only natural to still be attracted to other people who are not their significant other. I will agree that it's natural for most people, but that doesn't mean they are forced to act on that natural attraction. Looking or staring at someone in a sexual way and sexually fantasizing about someone is fully in every person's own control. To me it just feels so fundamentally wrong if I have fully committed myself to the person I love to look at and think of other people in sexual ways, that would really imply that I am not satisfied with what I have. You can only tell your SO that your addiction didn't make you see things clearly and now you have completely distanced yourself from porn and will stay loyal to her. But she has to decide if she is really able and willing to forgive your betrayal that you more or less consciously inflicted on her (maybe not out of intention to hurt her, because I'm assuming you don't feel like you are crossing any boundaries by just looking at pictures and videos of other women).
  5. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    Thank you, I have requested sometime to talk to her today, hopefully it will be positive, I will repost on here with a summary soon.

    Thank you all for your comments.
    AngelofDarkness likes this.
  6. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    I hope she is well. (otherwise)
    Unfortunately, I completely understand where she is coming from as my husband also suffered many years with PIED.
    I'd say, don't take the pills and if you are still suffering, (as PIED can take up to two years to overcome & other things can prolong it)
    how you got here and whether she wants to continue this journey With you, are on her.
    You put her here and the steps you took and how into reboot you were and how many relapses vs how much energy you invested into the relationship etc kept the PIED around and showed her which you valued more.
    This was information she's had for awhile now.
    You decided all on your own how this much of your Reboot was going so she gets to decide the continuity of the relationship or not.
    Continually trying each day forward and not giving up or quitting.
    That's how it works.
    At least, that's my opinion...
    I'm sure I'm not alone in that either.
    I know you have been trying hard lately, I have seen you around asking and putting forth lots of effort (at least here) , however this doesn't mean that it's all been good all the time.
    The only true judge here is your partner and we can't help you.
    I wish things a quick and peaceful resolution, however.
  7. Numb

    Numb Fapstronaut

    That is tough, and I'm not sure there really is an answer. Even though my BF is six or seven months PMO free now I still struggle with those feelings daily of not being enough, not being good enough. Some days are worse than others. Too many lies, too much pain. But I haven't give up on us yet, but sometimes it is hard. The only thing you can do is continue to better yourself and do things to show her you will not slip back into old ways. Do things to show her how much she means to you, how much you love her. Ask her to give you some time, a few months or even a year before making any big changes. I don't know how far along you two are, but the first three or four months for me was horrible. I was in a constant panic attack. It has eased but it still lurks below the surface waiting to consume me.
    Just do the best you can, be open and honest. Tell her everything she asks and hopefully not too much damage has been done. Good luck on your journey.
    Nugget9 and TryingHard2Change like this.
  8. moonesque

    moonesque Fapstronaut
    NoFap Defender

    Your situation sounds tough and its really okay to have those feelings of wanting that life and relationship with her, from what you say you’re doing a good job for starting and keeping to a recovery process. But maybe you can think about what the difference is between making up for wrongs etc. and really loving another person is, what a relationship is. I know it hurts and theres a lot of guilt and shame (from personal experience) but some fruitful efforts at accepting and really loving your SO (through communication and actions) go much further than concepts of making up for it. You could even think of it as the ‘real making up for it’.

    Sometimes when someone says that they only have one ‘reason’ it really isn’t about that reason, that’s just their feelings coming out in a way that’s communicated. I believe if you help your SO feel wanted, loved, and fulfilled with support and action she can start to heal those feelings better. I would suggest in a better position she go to therapy to achieve some self-efficacy as well, but in your position you have a unique responsibility to care and support your SO, even if she herself feels inadequate (shame/self-blame). Don’t just reassure her with words but really learn about her and talk to her and show her how you feel.

    Even if she would leave from that, you will have given a right and serious attempt. I hope all goes well!
    Numb, Recovering PA and Kenzi like this.
  9. Queen_Of_Hearts_13

    Queen_Of_Hearts_13 Fapstronaut

    This... This is it.

    I personally don't know your story or your efforts....

    but I completely see where your SO is coming from. I struggle from anorexia and told my husband that prior to us really dating saying porn couldn't be in the relationship becuase it was a health issue for me (I ended up back in treatment months after findnig out). There have been many points where I considered leaving becuase it seemed like he wasn't trying.

    If you are being 100% honest, non-defensive, empathetic, consistently, then that is the way to have her see if she really wants to stay. Trying everyday, no matter what is what we SO's look for. We look to see that the PA is serious about their recovery, serious about the relationship recovery, and remorseful and empathetic.
    Numb, Kenzi and Recovering PA like this.
  10. Tan3110

    Tan3110 Fapstronaut

    I can relate to your wife. Maybe you should try a date night. Things she loves to do all focus on her. And instead of trying sex try kerezza so you don't have to perform just have closeness and her pleasure.
    I have weight issues and body image issues and my advice is don't tell her you find her body sexy cos she will say but you needed this this and this to cum. Just say your aroused by her and love her and the feel of the closeness. It brings it more on your feelings than attractiveness and body image for her.
    cH33SE, Recovering PA and Acky31 like this.
  11. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    I tried the honesty talk in the hope of explaining some issues and I totally unequivocally screwed it up, now definitely no relationship to save confirmed by my SO saying "fuck off and die". My journey continues single.

    Thank you all for your advice, guess I can't follow it or understand how women think and feel. I will sign off from this chat but again thank you for your comments advice and kind words.
  12. Kenzi

    Kenzi Fapstronaut

    Please tell your SO (if you can) that we are here for her if she should ever return.
    Good luck to you in both your individual journeys
  13. Sadly sometimes there is nothing you can do. But it putting in the effort, working on yourself and being open and honest you might at the least be able to still have a lifelong friend.
  14. Sorry to hear about what’s happening to you. It’s a sad reminder that temporary solutions can create permanent consequences. The most you can do is state how you feel and what’s in your heart, and then practice what you preach.

    Sometimes we have to let people go, because love is wanting what is best for them.
    TooMuchTooSoon and Nugget9 like this.
  15. Recovering PA

    Recovering PA Fapstronaut

    It wasn't sustainable at the level she wanted as I had to fight for my children, look after myself (training for events) and work stresses. I tried but she said I drifted in and out of new behaviour.

    She's better off without a sex addict. Hopefully her recovery will be quicker too.

    Sad times ahead
  16. Nugget9

    Nugget9 Fapstronaut

    I hope the best for you. Get clean and go from there. Life will go on for you, so be careful.
    Recovering PA likes this.

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