So lonely

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by pavloo91, Dec 4, 2016.

  1. fiend92

    fiend92 Fapstronaut

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    Just keep going on man, and don't relapse.
    I was in a similar situation some moths ago, really depressed because i didn't have many friends or a girl or someone I could really talk to.
    Then on a streak, and it was only a 50 day streak, something changed and I stopped caring.

    You have a job, you're training, you're good. Just keep going.
     
  2. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    I specialise in English - I come from Poland.
    I am not very much involved in social media (Facebook). I mean I don't publish much, but at times (rarely) I have a short conversation with someone on the messenger and when I'm at work I often scroll the wall on Facebook.

    You have mentioned self-confidence: I think that you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is, I don't know how to tackle it. It's SELF-confidence and yet I get confident when people tell me I should be. And it shouldn't be like that - I don't want to depend on others in this respect.

    fiend92: I hope that something will 'click' someday in my mind. I remember the time, about 2 weeks into noFap, when I felt like a god - I mean I was confident, could strike up a conversation with virtually anyone, etc. Then it subsided after like 2 or 3 days. But I figured that if I could be so confident - even for so short - that means I've got it in myself. But I just can't get to it, there's something in the way, blocking it, I guess.

    At the same time I don't know if that 'clilck' will happen on its own and that I should just hold my way through it or if I should actually do something about it.

    Although such sentences give me hope, thanks.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
    Sailor93 likes this.
  3. fiend92

    fiend92 Fapstronaut

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    The click might happen, but don't count on it too much. That way you'll be just counting, waiting and might end up disappointed.
    I know it's easier said than done, but You should be doing something about it along nofap.
    Anything challenging, from smiling to strangers, starting conversations, laying in public places, yelling, ...
    Getting used to that kind of situations builds confidence.
     
  4. recoome

    recoome Fapstronaut

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    THIS^^
    I second this completely. I was once a popular kid. Would make jokes, argue with professors and was considered to be a cool guy. Now I have nothing. I have no job, no friends, and all my classmates are doing faaaaaar better than me.

    I've done such stupid stuff that I wish I could just slap myself for my earlier behavior.

    Empty vessels make more noise<---- this is how i was in my college and i was super shallow.
     
    Sailor93 likes this.
  5. tattleen7

    tattleen7 Guest

    Solitude Is Beautiful,Take It In A Positive Way.I Was In Love With Being Alone For Quite A Long Time Untill I Confessed To My Crush Who Now Is Helping Me Get Rid Of This Addiction.Solitude Is Much Better Than Being With People Who Do Not Value Or Understand You.You Just Gotta Wait For The Right People To Come Along.Untill Then Work On Yourself,Make Some Goals And Smash The Shit Outta Them.I Got My Job,My Own Place When I Was In Your Situation But I Took It In A Positive Way.Just Change Your Way Of Looking And It Can Change Your Whole Life! Peace
     
  6. Sailor93

    Sailor93 Fapstronaut

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    I'm a very big fan of the website 'Art of Manliness'. It's a website full of advice for men on every aspect of life, but especially the self-improvement articles are great. The articles written here are long and have a very high standard. The author, Brett McKay is very thorough in his research. The site has lots of realistic and usefull articles that can help you improve your confidence. The aim of the site is to give an answer to all the recent magazines that lurk you with phrases like '20 life hacks that actually work', 'get abs in 3mins', etc. The articles are long, which scares a lot of people these days who only want to read the title and know what it is about, that's why I like it so much. Go sit down in your couch tonight and read one of the articles, they give me a lot of ideas and strength.

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/tag/resiliency/
    This is a long essay on resiliency which I recently read (also available as e-book) and has been very interesting.

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/07/13/manvotional-the-majesty-of-strength/

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/tag/willpower/

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/05/19/10-overlooked-truths-about-taking-action/

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2010/02/08/the-world-belongs-to-those-who-hustle/
    I advise you to start with this one, it's one of their pearls

    http://www.artofmanliness.com/2014/...rchill-school-of-adulthood-is-now-in-session/
    Very long essay on the way Winston Churchill worked and lived, very long but really worth it.

    One thing that I read there and find worth mentioning is something about social media. Imagine you come home from Krav Maga, you had an awesome training lesson, you really aced it and are sitting satisfied in your couch. You open facebook and instagram and start swiping through all the pages you have liked and there you see a girl of 12 years old who does your workouts double as fast, or with much heavier weights, or can master 20 guys with a pencil in her hand. On the surface, you don't care, but inside you, the awesome training that you had is overshadowed by this movie of a girl. This happens all the time on social media, cats who are looking way better than yours and can do awesome tricks, people jumping of cliffs of 40 meters into the water, 8 yo boys playing jimi hendrix on their guitar, etc. A lot of people these days complain that they have a feeling of being depressed and not being special, but actually they are, but because we can see everything that everybody is doing these days, our efforts are overshadowed. So that's why I asked you about your social media. I recently deleted all these likes which I just mentioned and I am feeling great about it! I'm proud of what I did in the gym or on my guitar, and can show appreciation to real life people that can play or train better. Remember in primary school when we would come home with a 10/10 test, we were proud, your parents were proud, and that's where it ended. We didn't go looking on the internet to other children in cambodja or wherever that scored 12/10 on their test. Yet for playing guitar, training, etc, we do look at other people without knowing their full story. It looks like their life seems AWESOME because they post a movie or picture of something they did on facebook. Yet when you meet these people in real life, they don't usually look that awesome at all or don't have so much to tell you. This doesn't mean that you shouldn't follow people who inspire you, like an Israeli Krav Maga master who inspires you, this man is an inspiration, not somebody who overshadows you. Maybe this will not make you feel less lonely, but it will increase your self-esteem for granted, and as you said yourself, that's what you should be working on.
     
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2016
  7. I stay in on weekends. I don't do anything meaningful, I just think sleep, eat and think about life especially on Sundays.
     
  8. Sailor93

    Sailor93 Fapstronaut

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    Ow, this is another great youtube clip of the art of manliness, how to feel like a man. A good starter!

     
  9. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    Thank you all for your replies. Now I have to digest it all. I know that the only problem is my mindset and I am constantly trying to overcome it.
     
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  10. Kennen

    Kennen Fapstronaut

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    This thread :(
    I want to cry.
     
  11. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    Ok. I read some of the articles you gave me links to (from the art of manliness). I liked the one with action the most and decided to act on it - so I cut out on every possible means of obtaining information, which mainly consisted on eliminating noFap and Facebook from my life for a week. And I liked it. It really calmed me down a bit and allowed me to free myself from that chaos of new, useless information and provided me with space to think. Now I can see that I don't need Facebook so much in my life, I started to use computer only when I need to actually do something - I don't swipe through Facebook anymore (once or twice in 2 weeks maybe).

    I strongly encourage it. Do it. It's not that I'm the best version of myself right now thanks to it, but I see that it gave me the platform to really start looking at my life and to assess it.

    Another thing which I discovered: do not just abstain from your addiction - it is not enough. I know that now I have to do something about my life. What's the point of "mastering" your urges, "mastering" your addiction if your life remains empty? I've fallen behind, I've lost so many years - and it grieves me sometimes when I think about it - but I want to build something right now, to built a meaningful life. I'm still at the beginning of that journey, but I know that this is the way to go.

    Do not focus on abstaining and think that it's enough, that it's the only thing you have to do. It isn't. It's just the first step. I'm beginning to see it now.

    Last but not least: considering the above about abstinence not being enough - I stumbled upon Recovery Nation. It's a great website for sexual addicts and it's a great platform to start reclaiming a healthy life. Go there, check it. There is a Recovery Zone there and a full set of lessons guiding you through the process of recovery so that you can leave your past behind you and start living a healthy life. I'm just at the beginning of that journey, but I feel that it's the right thing to do.

    Just wanted to share my thoughts, maybe it helps someone.
     
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  12. F50C137YZ

    F50C137YZ Fapstronaut

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    Everyone forms addictions for different reasons. You can't give everyone's experience "milestones". It just doesn't work that way.

    Some people do nofap, but have very well adjusted and together families. They are very good with women because they grew up with male role models that taught them how to talk to women. They may even have their dream jobs and all of this already. They also may have been hitting the gym their whole lives as young adults.

    These people do nofap and then say, "Oh, life is awesome! I just got a new girlfriend. My job is going great and I'm making lots of money. I'm at my physical peak and am still running 5 minute miles, blah blah blah".

    Try to think about what you have. Some people have no family. They actually are black sheep and are estranged to where they couldn't show up to a family gathering without getting the cops called on them. Some people don't have computers or they work hard warehouse jobs where they are tearing pallets apart with crowbars all day for $9.50 an hour and no benefits.

    You have a lot to be thankful for. You can choose to keep on with the attitude of, "I don't have this... I don't have that. I am unhappy." Or you can think about what is making you so unhappy.

    Think more deeply about why you feel disconnected with your family. Maybe something happened that you need to talk over with certain family members. Or maybe you want to talk about deep shit and say, "Look, I'm really tired of all of this shallow shit. I want to talk about some real issues with you because I love you and I want to share more intimate emotions with you."

    If that doesn't work, you can try to talk to other people and make friends with people that do want to talk about this stuff. Sometimes blood doesn't equal family. Maybe you haven't found your family. Or maybe you just haven't given your's a chance because you haven't figured out how to talk to them because you judge them for what they do talk about. Maybe they talk about that stuff to try to make you laugh to get you to open up because they don't know what else to do and they love you do god damned much, but you won't open up.

    I think I've given you some things to think about. Happy holidays
     
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  13. Joe peasci

    Joe peasci Fapstronaut

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    When u say not to be reliant on nofap ur only partially right..if u don't have any other negative thing in ur life, then there is no reason for u not to have a social life.. Pmo accumulates shame and so does withdrawing from it.. Overcoming social anxiety and insecurities in terms of recreational socializing(not work related) has to do with happiness not going out and "trying to make friends" nofap can provide that happiness.. Or in the case where we are talking about not being reliant, nofap can start u off, because regardless of wat u do, as long as u pmo u cannot be happy.. But I'm strongly against this notion of improving social skills for recreational purposes, those skills don't exist.. Ur confidence with the opposite sex for example had to do with how passionate u are about life and they can see that in ur eyes.. On the other side of the coin people see emptiness. U have to take a year to not care about socializing or loneliness or sex.. If u try to socialize while ur withdrawing from pmo, u are going to just become more insecure.. Don't make friends because ur making friends for the wrong reasons.. Making friends should come naturally and shouldn't be forced.. In time u will get there but my first suggestion to be more specific and helpful is to, simply let go, go to work, exercise and get to day 200.. I don't think that it's very useful to worry about socializing on day 50 because day 50, is kinda like the point in time where ur mind is preparing to withdraw but hasn't started
     
  14. pavloo91

    pavloo91 Fapstronaut

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    Ok, but you have to do something else than just abstaining. If you sit down and think "dont think about pmo, dont think about pmo", guess what you are thinking about - pmo. and this doesn't help. it helped me to set a goal for myself.
     

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