So long alone, I kinda got used to that...

Hi,

I don't know if this is the right place, or if anybody will actually read it. I just really felt like writing what I feel. I have never shared that with anybody ... there's just no one I could talk about that.

Today morning was one of these days when you wake up and you are just sad. No particular reason.
On one hand I have quite a good life. But, on the other I kind of feel sad all the time. I do not think it's depression-like sad. I have just managed to suppress the emotions. For so long I have felt lonely, that just learning to live with the feeling seemed the best way.

In my 31 years long life I had one girlfriend. We were together for 3 years, 2 years we lived together ... but, technically, we had never had sex ...
You may wonder how come we lived together for 2 years without sex. We did have what I'd call "advanced petting". We even tried to have penetration. We were both virgins and she claimed it hurts her too much. I suggested going to a doctor, her reaction was more-less: "Let me just get totally drunk and then just fuck me, best after I'll fall asleep". I found that offensive and extremely sad...
She generally didn't have a strong sexual drive. Within 3 years of the relationship we had 2 periods of 3 months without "petting". Periods of 2-3 weeks were quite usual. On the other hand, during first few months we did the "petting" 3-20 times a week.
We broke up over 7 years ago. Since then I haven't even kissed anybody (I had 2 situations when I pushed girls trying to kiss me, since it just wasn't the right thing to do at the time - they were just depressed, I talked to them instead and after all they thanked me...).
That makes me 31-old-virgin with creepy and sad sexual experience, not even being sure if sex can actually be satisfying ...

At the same time, I find my story a bit different/weird/specific ...
I am well educated. Lived and worked in 6 different countries, currently leaving abroad. I have a very good job with salary between 300-500% of average salary of the country I live in. I am independent from my parents, have a car, live alone. I have very original hobby (extreme sport; I'd prefer not to tell what it is, since it is rare enough that combined with info that I live abroad could actually reveal my identity). I do know a lot o people. I go to parties. I organize going out and volunteering events.
The problem is that, although I know a lot of people, I am not close with any of them. We just meet, have diner/party/bowling/camping together and that's all. 90% of the going-outs I participate, are organized by me. Only to 10% I am invited. Because of that, mainly people I know and I approach participate in the gatherings. That means I don't meet many new people.
Another problem is that I am not too good in "chit chat", but I can have deep discussion about many topics. Often, it seems like people who are initially interested in conversation, become bored because of me. I keep trying to improve this part, but I do not know how to do this in a way that would still be interesting for me.
Even if I meet new girls, most often it goes like this: if the conversation goes well, in 80-90% of situations she is already in relationship (I think they are willing to talk, because they don't even take me into consideration as their partner, because being already with someone). In other cases the conversation just doesn't go well at all.

According to my "statistics", for last 3 years I managed to ask 3 girls/year out. 1 of the 3 agreed on a date. Within last 3 years I've only had 1 second date.

I do go out. I do talk to people. I am independent... But I still cannot find a girlfriend. And it has been like this for many years.
That made me masturbate. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Recently, I have actually decreased the frequency, because masturbation doesn't even make me feel good anymore. It is more like doing something out of boredom, rarely of sexual excitement. Even if there is some sexual excitement, orgasm just helps me get rid of it, but doesn't cause any positive feelings.

Within last few years I have improved many things in my life. It is hard to believe that stopping masturbating might change much, but I would like to give it a try...