So my wife doesn't want me to quit...

Discussion in 'Rebooting in a Relationship' started by romeolima, Dec 4, 2019 at 4:34 AM.

  1. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

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    I posted in my journal but thought I would post here as well to get some additional input.

    So I finally told my wife last night about my goal to quit porn altogether and it didn't go as I expected it to. It has never been a great secret in our relationship that I used porn, but the extent of the use and the types of porn that I got into were never discussed.

    Having told her that I was trying to quit last night she surprised me by asking me why. I wasn't ready for that and sort of fumbled my response, I talked about not wanting to be a user of porn as our kids started to deal with the issues that porn brings (over the next couple of years) also highlighted some of the issues with the porn industry - we watched a documentary on it earlier in the year so she sort of understood this part.

    However she then went on to say that she didn't think I should quit if I didn't want to, I tried to explain that I really did want to.

    She said that she doesn't object to all porn and would be open to exploring with me acceptable porn... this has completely thrown me.

    Has anybody experienced similar, or have any sage advice?
     
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  2. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    Exactly the same boat with my wife atm! We watch porn together sometimes; and even though she knows I'm trying to quit she sometimes puts in on during sex...not too often though, but it's frustrating cause I want to be free of it now, but she seems to want to keep it going sometimes. She only wants us to watch it together thou, not on my own.
     
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  3. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

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    She seemed quite comfortable with me continuing to use on my own but also discussed watching together. I genuinely don't think she is aware of what is out there, perhaps exploring this with her might help her see my position.

    She doesn't have a problem with solo porn use and masturbation, she sees it as a normal sexual activity for me.

    Perhaps exploring it with her, in a non-sexual way might bring her round to my way of thinking.
     
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  4. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    I think most women don't realise what stuff is out there...my wife watches the lesbian stuff mainly, pretty soft compared to the stuff some of the blokes on here view!
     
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  5. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    I guess she hasn't understood the seriousness of it for you yet. If it were alcohol, I doubt if she would be saying it's ok to drink if you feel you have a problem.
     
  6. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Although she is obviously right that you must want to quit.
     
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  7. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

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    I think that's true, it's never been a secret that I used porn and therefore like drink she's just accepted that it's part of me.

    Obviously if I had a drink problem she would be able to see it, she will only understand that seriousness of my porn problem if I tell her. The issue is I think that she has a rose tinted view of what porn is.

    Whilst I was able to tell her that I was trying to quit I haven't gone into details about how bad it got. I was using porn two to three times a week and viewing a wide range of material, some of which was questionable in terms of it's ethics.
     
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  8. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    2 or 3 times a week isn't a lot , compared to what I was personally using.

    It wasn't illegal material though, was it?
     
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  9. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

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    Whilst I appreciate that it might not be a lot compared to some people, within a healthy sexual relationship I think she would consider it excessive.

    As for the material, no, nothing illegal. What I mean by ethically dubious would be a lot of stuff you see on tube sites that you can't be certain is made with properly paid actors that are not coerced etc. a lot of the amateur stuff could certainly have been used/obtained without permission. This is what I have a problem with.

    In fairness my wife understands this as she was talking last night about as long as performers are doing it because they want to and getting paid then it should be ok. This is the discussion about "acceptable" porn for us/me...
     
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  10. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    We weren't too into the mainstream porn , used to watch a lot of amateurs and couples at it.

    Ethically not as bad, but it's still a massive dopamine surge in the brain!
     
  11. Bradmax

    Bradmax Fapstronaut

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    Yeah my ex was like that our relationship became toxic she started playing games & she cheated Be careful you will be entering new grounds with her and nothing good ever comes from lust
     
  12. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Oh it gets much worse than two or three times a week, and your point on ethics is frequently seen on here.
    Seems like you're on the right path anyway.
     
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  13. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    The issues porn creates aren’t discovered while watching it together it’s much too soon I’d think. ... rather they are discovered as you realize porn desensitizes the mind.

    Because of the suggestive power of amateur porn, Your wife may be able to be far more open minded than you are comfortable with. Porn can suggest all kinds of things that can unnerve a marriage. What’s your strategy when/if this occurs ?
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2019 at 10:01 PM
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  14. DaWarrior40+

    DaWarrior40+ Fapstronaut

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    Selfishness and unreality
     
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  15. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for all the replies guys, some of it has given me food for thought and something to discuss further with my wife.

    Our relationship is very solid, together 18 years, married for 13 of those. Porn has always been there for me, however the explosion of tube sites co-insided with the arrival of our children where our sex life naturally slowed down and I went too far down the porn route. I'm try to be a better partner and since trying to quit porn in July our relationship has benefited.

    I'm aware that my use was not as excessive compared to some of the stories I have read since joining this site, this shouldn't mean that I should be any less motivated to quit.

    I appreciate the concern but I think we are very solid in our relationship. I don't think that my wife wants to explore it for her own ends, I think she has always considered it something natural for men to do and doesn't want me to be "un-natural".

    I'm still set at this point that quitting altogether is still my goal, it's just this threw me quite a bit. I think I just expected her to go, ok if you want to quit porn, quit porn. I didn't expect that she would try to talk me out of it.
     
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  16. Wugazi32

    Wugazi32 Fapstronaut

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    I don't think sex life has to slow down when you have kids, after our first was born we were having sex again less than a week later!
    Wife and I have been together for 10 years, longest I went without sex was about 3 weeks after our second child was born! I understand some women take longer to recover, but I guess I'm a lucky one...wife knows I have a high sex drive and has always helped my needs.

    PMO was just an unhealthy habit I carried on for some reason...guess I got greedy!
     
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  17. romeolima

    romeolima Fapstronaut

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    The sex never went away, but the frequency and the natural flow of things get interrupted by feeding and looking after kids, no more lazy Sunday mornings for example!

    But like you I got greedy and developed an unhealthy PMO habit, one which she was already aware of to a point she didn't understand that essentially had a separate sex life without her.
     
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  18. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    porn is about you. And quitting is for you.

    too many guys on here confused themselves by trying to quit for someone else or to be with someone else. That usually is frustrating because porn is largely a self-sex endeavor. It’s not the same as sex addiction—- where we use others to have self sex.

    Good for you friend. You don’t seem deterred that this is about you.

    Be the leader she needs even if it’s not the leader she wants.
     
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  19. nestorvon

    nestorvon New Fapstronaut

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    i think the impact and seriousness of it for you and your wife are on different scales.

    Question is - if you don't quit does it directly affect your couple life...your family...kids badly? (apologies in case you've pointed this one already)

    Cos for me - as a couple you should meet halfway whenever you can...all the time. Do things for the better, do things for the pleasure but always have that line somewhere if your family's welfare is at stake...that's when i recommend, step back.
     
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