So my wife doesn't want me to quit...

I posted in my journal but thought I would post here as well to get some additional input.

So I finally told my wife last night about my goal to quit porn altogether and it didn't go as I expected it to. It has never been a great secret in our relationship that I used porn, but the extent of the use and the types of porn that I got into were never discussed.

Having told her that I was trying to quit last night she surprised me by asking me why. I wasn't ready for that and sort of fumbled my response, I talked about not wanting to be a user of porn as our kids started to deal with the issues that porn brings (over the next couple of years) also highlighted some of the issues with the porn industry - we watched a documentary on it earlier in the year so she sort of understood this part.

However she then went on to say that she didn't think I should quit if I didn't want to, I tried to explain that I really did want to.

She said that she doesn't object to all porn and would be open to exploring with me acceptable porn... this has completely thrown me.

Has anybody experienced similar, or have any sage advice?

 

She seemed quite comfortable with me continuing to use on my own but also discussed watching together. I genuinely don't think she is aware of what is out there, perhaps exploring this with her might help her see my position.

She doesn't have a problem with solo porn use and masturbation, she sees it as a normal sexual activity for me.

Perhaps exploring it with her, in a non-sexual way might bring her round to my way of thinking.

 

I think that's true, it's never been a secret that I used porn and therefore like drink she's just accepted that it's part of me.

Obviously if I had a drink problem she would be able to see it, she will only understand that seriousness of my porn problem if I tell her. The issue is I think that she has a rose tinted view of what porn is.

Whilst I was able to tell her that I was trying to quit I haven't gone into details about how bad it got. I was using porn two to three times a week and viewing a wide range of material, some of which was questionable in terms of it's ethics.

 

Whilst I appreciate that it might not be a lot compared to some people, within a healthy sexual relationship I think she would consider it excessive.

As for the material, no, nothing illegal. What I mean by ethically dubious would be a lot of stuff you see on tube sites that you can't be certain is made with properly paid actors that are not coerced etc. a lot of the amateur stuff could certainly have been used/obtained without permission. This is what I have a problem with.

In fairness my wife understands this as she was talking last night about as long as performers are doing it because they want to and getting paid then it should be ok. This is the discussion about "acceptable" porn for us/me...

 

Thanks for all the replies guys, some of it has given me food for thought and something to discuss further with my wife.

Our relationship is very solid, together 18 years, married for 13 of those. Porn has always been there for me, however the explosion of tube sites co-insided with the arrival of our children where our sex life naturally slowed down and I went too far down the porn route. I'm try to be a better partner and since trying to quit porn in July our relationship has benefited.

I'm aware that my use was not as excessive compared to some of the stories I have read since joining this site, this shouldn't mean that I should be any less motivated to quit.

I appreciate the concern but I think we are very solid in our relationship. I don't think that my wife wants to explore it for her own ends, I think she has always considered it something natural for men to do and doesn't want me to be "un-natural".

I'm still set at this point that quitting altogether is still my goal, it's just this threw me quite a bit. I think I just expected her to go, ok if you want to quit porn, quit porn. I didn't expect that she would try to talk me out of it.

 

The sex never went away, but the frequency and the natural flow of things get interrupted by feeding and looking after kids, no more lazy Sunday mornings for example!

But like you I got greedy and developed an unhealthy PMO habit, one which she was already aware of to a point she didn't understand that essentially had a separate sex life without her.