SO of an addict

Hey! I'm not sure if this is a relevant place to post this, but I'll go ahead anyway!

I found out almost 2 months ago over my Fiancés addiction I trollingly said 'lets see if you have an onlyfans' and it goddamn logged in, then all the beans were spilled.
Initially I didn't know how to react, I was pretty upset that he had been paying for content as (hello its the internet?) but he clued me in onto many deeply upsetting things that he had been doing such as:

• Masturbating to my best friends pictures
• Messaging a woman on reddit (for the thrill whilst masturbating)
• Violent and degrading porn
• Masturbating at work
• Masturbating in my bathroom
• Constant urges to view pornographic material even without being turned on

These are only some of things he can remember as we've been in a relationship for 3 years and the masturbation was a daily thing, binging and long sessions were on average once a week.

Once the initial blow set in I felt absolutely and completely betrayed and violated by his actions (didn't even for a second think it was an addiction, I just thought he was a dirty bastard). I went through quite a lot of confusing thoughts and began to hate myself, feeling suicidal and disgusting. I have recently got over this feeling and my love for him has become even stronger, he has been open and forthcoming, considerate and just amazing throughout all of this.

As far as he has made me aware he has been looking at sexually explicit imagery of me, we're unsure whether this is a safe thing for him to do and whether it would lead back onto more explicit imagery?
He has been almost 2 months clean of no pornography or masturbation and I am so frickin' proud, he has been going to therapy sessions and doing his best to try and rewire more meaningful experiences into his head.

The reason I'm posting this is, I am unsure of the next steps to take in order to help him within the relationship, I have been doing some research and it's not recommended to let him orgasm as there were times in the relationship that ED was present from overconsumption, is this correct? Because our sex life has never been more fulfilling as I feel like he is actually present and he's able to maintain an erection without artificial stimulation whatsoever.

What more steps do I need to take on this journey with him to help him conquer this?

 

Thank you so much for your detailed response, I'm very happy and excited to get a response.
I can't quote you because I don't meet the requirements!

It was hard for me to leave him even before I knew it was an addiction because of the things he did, did not line up with the person who he was - attentive, caring and respectful.

I have been non-stop reading articles and some from YBOP, which has been very helpful to me and him both (he had absolutely no clue he was an addict he said it was just 'something I did') it was actually very relieving in a sense because it explains all of the questionable behaviour and that I know that it wasn't him, it was an addiction.

He said before I found out that he already had in his brain 'I don't want to do this anymore' because he said to a point it felt uncontrollable! Thank you so much for the articles, they're articles I've been reading the past few days as I was lurking on these forums.

I have been open and honest about viewing these forums, and referred him to some posts on here so he is well aware, he sat with me last night as I typed out the post and he cried because no matter how much I tell him that I am proud and excited for him - I don't think it really sank in last night until I posted this.

If I could take away all the guilt and shame for him I would because, I know he is a genuine caring and loving person with an addictive personality and it just so happened to be P and Gaming which were the main two culprits of his addiction.

As for the rebooting, he and I are more than willing - 90 days of no sexual contact which could lead to an amazing life together is pretty much a no brainer!! and I see the reboot as also a helpful thing for me as I have been made aware I might also have some unhealthy sexual habits/desires, so I am super excited to see who we both become together.

For the sharing information: We never stop communicating about it, we're always doing our research and looking for therapists (he currently has a good one but we're still on the lookout, his first one told him it was completely normal and that I was trying to control his imagination and cut his balls off).

The last thing I want to do is bring him more shame which I know I have when I was really hurt, which hurt me even more knowing that I made him feel worse but he is more than understanding of why I was hurt.
Communication is something he is working heavily on as it's something he has never had (2 previous girlfriends before me, he said he could never voice his opinion and the relationship was like emotional eggshells) and it was a shock to his system when I used to asked genuinely how he was and cared about him on a deeper level.

Getting past the initial 'If I was thinner.. If I wore more make-up.. If I had this and that etc..' was extremely difficult, but at the same time if he wanted an out this would be the perfect opportunity but he stayed and supported me the best he could through the weeks of my complete mental collapse.

My friends and family think I'm completely insane for 'putting' up with this but, I honestly couldn't care less as it's my relationship. I'm not putting up with anything, I'm supporting a man I love through the most difficult time in his life.

 

Thank you for your response!
I am by no means trying to fix him, I am doing my best to support him - If he does slip up he is well aware that I'm not going to waste my time any longer, I can give him all the tools in my arsenal but in the end it all comes down to him.

If that day comes which I hope it never does then he knows I have a daughter to care for and she is my priority and that's where it will be left. It's horrible to even think about, he has taken every step necessary to prove to me and himself that being free of this disease is his top priority.

 

**update**
A little update on our situation and the changes I have noticed within him:

• Genuine happiness, full of smiles and hopefulness for his future
• Brain power! He actually has started to question things a lot more and dig deep emotionally
  
• Assertive! This is a very important one because the man didn't know the word NO!
• Confident, his confidence levels have rose tenfold and it definitely shows!
• Productivity, he is finally making a leap to gain extra qualifications that he lost all desire to do for his job
• Planning ahead! He never made plans with me to do much - since finding out we have booked 2 Holidays and have worked out a gym schedule and fun activities!

I have always seen flickers of this from him (I guess when he'd try to stop for a week) but now I am seeing the full impact that PMO made on his life and I feel so guilty for telling him in the past 'hey I'm not feeling well, you just turn on some porn and have a good time'.

He really is putting in the effort and looks and seems like a different person - the grumpy sadness has left him and he gets hit with bouts of shame and regret as the brain fog lifts and he's realised the true effects of the addiction.

He has been considering making an account so he can journal his progress but is planning on physically journaling with pen to paper to improve neuroplasticity.

Hopefully many great days, months and years ahead for him!

 

Thanks for your response!
Openness and communication has been a bizarre experience for the both of us but it's something we're getting better at everyday!

If only he would of told me sooner about the issues he was facing (but when is the right time to tell someone about that?!) we would of had possibly more happy years under our belt!

I think it's a big misconception that telling your partner about PMO addiction will make them leave - but I think that may be the PMO anxiety induced whackyness!

Anyone worth your time will accept your mistakes and help you grow from them and not keep you in the shame spiral, yes my god it's so easy to be upset over this addiction but nothing worth having is easy in life

 

It has been a week since I posted the update but these are changes I've seen over the past 2 months sorry I should of elaborated! I don't think it's all sunshine and rainbows don't get me wrong!

 

Yes some partners do leave. Yes the broken trust, lies and gaslighting are all a part of the addiction IMO.

From my perspective I see the mistakes as the erratic and crazy shit done within the addiction which don't align with that persons character.

I understand my post may of come across a bit as 'ride or die bitches' that wasn't my intention but from my perspective of, he's a good person and I don't think his addiction should be his defining characteristic.
I'm not underplaying the addiction at all, I don't think there hasn't been a day where I haven't deep dove into every single post about PMO and YBOP.

I also feel like if it was him posting these things about himself no one would rain on his parade :shrug:

 

I know there is a chance of relapse and I'm not going to lie it does scare me but we're trying to make a plan if/when it happens. But just because he relapses doesn't take away from all the hard work and energy he has been putting into his recovery and I genuinely feel that (obviously it's not something I'll be doing cartwheels about) because I am aware it is an very serious addiction and a very hard one to avoid at that.

I really do appreciate the advice and it is something I have been doing research on non-stop for 2 months with him trying to learn the brain chemistry that goes into the addiction and how to deal with it.

As far as I'm aware he has been honest, he's currently using 'Detoxify' a P Blocker app that I set up and he can't delete it without me putting in the code for him - he says he doesn't need it but he would like a safety net for the 'just incase'.

I'm confident in him, I've tried to discuss potential slip ups and he is dead set on 'it's not going to happen' but I'm worried if it does that it will absolutely crush him.

And you are absolutely right Psalm, you do deserve a honest faithful partner because you seem like a wonderful spouse with a lot of love and dedication to give even when it's at the expense of your own hurt and that's true compassion right there!

Modernstore99 you should be proud of your recovery journey, you have come a long way! Maybe he will look at porn tomorrow, next week or in a few months but I don't know that and he doesn't either right now even though we know it's a chance we are trying not to keep things negative and are just enjoying the little things right now and taking each day as it comes

It just deeply saddens me that many people struggle with this addiction and especially in the UK finding the right resources is next to impossible as it's not classed as a 'real addiction' (Insane right?)

Once again I do appreciate it and I know the reality and the gravity of the situation but it's also hard for me not to be proud of every step he takes because they're all steps in the right direction for him