So what am I doing?

Find a hobby and MASTER it!

 

Hey Happy Thoughts, I don't think this chance is the last.
In the last 7 days, I relapsed 4 consecutive times. This shit happens sometimes, don't judge yourself so much. And you're younger, I think it's even harder to hold and not relapse then in my age.

 

oh shit, I was sending and you posted right before me. You're going to have periodical talks? How this gonna work?
That's really nice to know, congratulations!

 

Hey Happy Thoughts,
I can relate te some things of your story, its getting better now but I also still need to improve my life in many areas..
What helped me a lot was some inspiration I got from a youtuber named Infinite Waters...
Just thought I share this one... maybe its not your cup of tea, but no harm is done by sharing this I guess..

All the best!!!

 

Awesome man! I'm SO proud of you! Good job buddy!

 

Happy Thoughts, no need to apologize, don`t worry. You gonna see her tomorrow, and this is great. This is the oportunity for you to minimize part of this weight and to open a door to understand more about all this, remember that. Considering your actual status, this meeting is VERY important and you should guarantee your presence there.

Across all this posts, for some reason you don`t want your parents to know about your suicidal thoughts. Are you scared of them? They didn`t support you?

 

No need to apologize friend. I know that just because you took the step forward, things didn't just get better. I'm just proud of you for taking that step. Also, it's okay to tell her about your suicidal thoughts. There's nothing wrong with having them. You could ask her not to tell your parents until you're ready to tell them yourself, but that you need help with them. The most important thing is to get the help for yourself.

 

Now we finally know the major problem around your depression, anxiety and PMO relapses. Your parents aren't prepared for that. You could talk about this issue to the councilor and hear that she has to say about it. I bet she see this kind of family constantly. Actually, I know people who have depression+anxiety, her parents have psychological issues and they don't believe they are sick too. It is not easy to deal with.
Some posts ago, I thought your mother had some kind of understanding about depression. You said she was thinking about taking you to psychologist. She changed her mind?

 

Are you in the US? And how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?
Having a psychological background myself (both having mental illness AND studying it for my undergrad) I'm going to echo Pira here. Mental illness is exactly that. It's an ILLNESS. It can be hereditary, just like a blood disease, or anything else you can pass on. I'm also a teacher, and I see all the time parents who don't want their children evaluated, because of what we call a "stigma". This means that there's this bad idea about something, usually one that is incorrect or misunderstood, and just because of that idea people don't want to be associated with that.
Nothing you could do in this situation is "embarrassing". Would you consider someone who needed open heart surgery to be an "embarrassment" to their family? They are just trying to survive. Just like you. It is NOT YOUR FAULT. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Honestly, at this point, I wouldn't even worry about the PMO stuff. For your age, it's really great that you are concerned about it, but you need to fix the other things before you can work on that. I believe in you, I know you can do it. I've been there. And eventually you will be free. But I just need you to hold a little longer.
I would also let the school counselor know your parent's opinion about mental illness. They may just need some education on the subject. People are afraid of things they don't understand. We are here for you, don't give up, ok? I'm going to look into some resources that may be able to help you.

 

What do you mean by "voted out"? As in the other kids didn't want you with them? Bullies are crap, but I know from personal experience they always get theirs in the end. I have seen people who bullied me in middle school living miserable lives 10 years later. People who bully often have their own troubles they don't know how to deal with.
You need to talk with someone who can help you. You need to tell someone you really trust or respect exactly what you are feeling. Asking for help is the hardest part, but I KNOW you can do it.

 

It's not a bad idea nor a good one in this case. The thing that matter's most to me right now is you well-being. Do something nice to distract yourself. Something that makes you feel joy. I'm looking into a few things that might help.

 

A couple of places you can check out that might REALLY help. Please check them out:

https://teenlineonline.org/
https://www.jedfoundation.org/
If you don't feel like talking to someone via phone, these offer a text-message based support.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Specifically: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/youth/

Try looking into some of these for now. Just give them a shot, ok?

 

You are younger than I thought. This age is hard for everyone, each one with your particular challenges and difficulties. I garantee you, Your mind gonna change so many times in the following years, just give some chance to your older ages.
It's how CowardlyLion said, hold yourself into something that works for you somehow and distracts you.

If the councilor didn't call you today, wait for tomorrow and contact her. Don't look at this like a bad sign; unexpected events and schedules changes with no reason sometimes, things like this happens all the time. If you feel a deep anguish and see no options avaible, try the sites Lion posted here, or come here and talk to us. We can always read what you have to say.

 

Hey Happy Thoughts, how you're doing man? Tell to us how you're status this days.