So you want a GF/BF...

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by scote73, Jun 16, 2016.

  1. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    ...then this is the bitter pill that you must swallow before trying to find one:

    You have to be okay with the fact that you might end up with nobody.

    I'm having a difficult time with this myself. The thought of never having a GF ever again, and never getting married and starting a family of my own, and perhaps never having sex, still scares me. However, after gaining new life perspectives, and hearing from a wide variety of people with opinions about the life-long search for our special fish in the sea, I'm starting to understand this ideology on a much deeper level.

    (Before reading on, I understand that exceptions do exist, and this doesn't absolutely apply to everyone)

    It's hard not to get emotional about this. We want someone so badly. We're almost ready to sell our soul to have someone to love, and to love us back. Our natural need for companionship as human beings will consume us if we're not mindful of it, because our emotions can have a direct affect on our cognitive psychology. That's the thing with human beings; we still have animal-like instincts. At the same time, with our human minds, we can be mindful of those instincts and change the way we feel about them.

    Anyway, when you start getting desperate, you put unneeded stress and pressure on yourself. The stress that you feel will manifest itself, in one way or another, when your opportunities arise. No one wants to be with someone who's unsure of themselves. In essence, they'll feel like they don't actually know you, and they'll pick up on the fact that you're trying to sell them an idea about yourself.

    Look, you might find someone while you're in your desperate mindset. It does happen. However, it's rare that those relationships last long term. Why? Because you'll naturally want the relationship to move quickly. In order to avoid feeling lonely again, the brain will want to ensure that the relationship is secure long-term. Security is naturally important to us, in all aspects in our lives. However, when you mix a priority of security with your need for companionship, it can create disasterous results.

    Another danger is, in the process of meeting someone, it's possible to obsess over them. You'd be surprised to know how often this happens to people, even without them being fully conscious of the fact that their obsessing (yet another reason why it's important to be mindful). What happens in the brain during the obsession period, is that it will fall in love with the idea of someone. All of their positive qualities will glow, and all of their negative qualities (arbitrary to yourself, as the words "positive" and "negative" are completely relative to the individual) will be rationalized in order for your ideal picture of this person to be valid. Over time, these negative qualities will naturally wear you down, because people tend to want to be with others who shares their values.

    Understand that happy long-lasting relationships which start on the basis of desperation, are due to sheer dumb luck. They just so happened to strike gold and find someone completely compatible. Don't count on luck to be on your side.

    Anyway, when you start to understand and accept that you might be alone forever, the urgency to find someone and get things moving quickly will naturally fade. You won't romanticize anyone, which means you can get to know the real them, instead of falling in love with your ideal sense of them. If things don't work out, you naturally get less worked up about it, and can move on rather quickly. You're much less likely to fall in love with the wrong person taking this approach!!!

    The acceptance of this paradox, that full embracement of the single life will make it more likely for you to end up with the person of your dreams, must be understood. Consistently victimizing yourself due to you're loneliness will not help you become less lonely. The universe doesn't owe you a girlfriend. It doesn't care how nice of a guy you are...period.
     
  2. mark3478879

    mark3478879 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, this is true. It's why I'm just seeking friends more than anything. People to hang out with. Feel less lonely because I have something to do with others other than sitting home and PMOing yet again. My problem/dilemma is how much to reveal to these "friends" about myself. I can deal relatively well with meeting people superficially. It's when I tend to share more of the "real me" that they seem to start heading for the exits.



    Just my observations.
     
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  3. kevinkevin19

    kevinkevin19 Fapstronaut

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    I get your point, but I know that people who want to have a relationship need to take the responsibility for it. If people want to take responsibility for their life, it includes their love life. The best approach I've ever heard when you're single is to go work on yourself first before entering a serious relationship. Invest in yourself and do the things that you want and need to do. By the time you enter into a relationship you are ready, and for most people a relationship usually comes when they're not expecting it or when they're not looking for a relationship.
     
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  4. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    Good stuff...
    I was like that at one point. I was also lacking self-confidence and stuff. Both women in my life made the first steps in our relationship, as I was not on the hunt anymore.
    After suffering for many years because or rejection, I decided to stop hunting. This is when I freed myself.
     
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  5. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    I was going to start looking into the dating websites, but they seem so shallow and too much focused on sex before marriage... I don't think I'm that desperate. The thought haunts me continually, though: "What if I never get a girlfriend?" Then I'll be alone and I'll have to learn to enjoy my own company. I guess that's all there is to it.
     
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  6. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    My best advice is to avoid "being on the hunt". Find something you like to do, get out of your comfort zone, find a hobby where both men and women can be found, be yourself, try to improve yourself, polish your social skills.

    The girlfriend might appear out of nowhere, it happened to me twice. That was in college both times. They chose me. Once was my initial college years, second time was a "back on the school benches" scenario.

    My actual wife was interested to know me and I offered to go for a walk.I'm married to her for over 18 years now.
    I know that sounds old and cliché. Dating today sounds like an "extreme sport".
     
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  7. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    Or something similarly ridiculous. You're referring to online dating, right? Yes, I agree.

    I've rarely approached women in my life and having had many setbacks and a few disappointing relationships, I am not optimistic about my prospects for the future. I noticed this pretty young woman today outside the library, and she noticed me... but nothing was said. I simply had no business talking with her. If she had approached me and asked me for a cigarette, we could easily have arranged something, but no...

    I only usually meet women at work or school. That reminds me, I need to get some further education so I can get a career happening. Meeting women at work (or TAFE or University) is absurdly easy. It's me that's the problem: I'm a recovering drug addict as well as porn addict and I need to sort myself out first so I have the emotional stability necessary to endure the highs and lows of a relationship.

    Thanks for your comments. It'll happen, one day.
     
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  8. Ikindaknew

    Ikindaknew Fapstronaut

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    Yea, online dating. I read an article a few days back, cant find it, but it was a bout restaurant owners complaining that the online dating stuff brings any couples in their establishment, but they complain that its awkward and that the couples aren't ordering much food right now, no more wine and dine, its more one drink and water, not enough money spent. There is many women or men coming in the restaurant, taking a peak at the person and run away out the door within a few seconds (without ordering anything of course) if the "date" is not satisfactory at first glance. so restaurant owners are pissed that their tables are being held by "daters" that will only order a glass of water (don't want to be impaired and look bad), texting on their phone, waiting for a date to show up.

    Good to see that you want to "clean your yard" before you date women. I'm been a drinker myself and of course porn addict. We have to work on finding the causes of our internal pains and find better, healthier coping mechanisms to releave pain. As we are healing our wounds, we become better prospects.

    Good on you if you are thinking about going back to school. Do yourself a favor and go for a career that you will really enjoy. This is more than money. A job you love make you look happier, more competent (cause you are truly into it), life is easier with a job you love.
     
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  9. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    Absolutely correct. You must work on personal development if you have any hope of even sustaining a relationship, much less trying to find one. What naturally happens when you drop your obsession with finding someone is you start working on yourself. And, you hit on something very important for people to understand: personal responsibility. Too many people play the victim card in this regard. Taking responsibility for your love life will fix your own perspective on why it hasn't worked out for you.
     
  10. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    I think online dating can be an effective tool to put yourself out there, however, it can/will be frustrating for many. It takes a while to find someone who not only shares your values (which you'll never get just by looking at someone's profile), but is near enough to your location. I still have an online dating profile, yes, but I don't obsess over it like I did in years past.
     
  11. L Coroneos

    L Coroneos Fapstronaut

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    Fair enough. I've been talking to this chick on Facebook, she seems really interested in a relationship but I'm still not sure if she's genuine. I got her to send me an email to prove she was who she said she was, gave her my phone number and asked for hers. It could work out, you never know. She seems pretty keen on a serious long-term relationship, which is cool with me. The only problem is that she makes quite a few spelling mistakes and doesn't seem all that cluey (she's a fashion model so very self-centred and shallow). But who knows? If we start dating we might just fall in love and be together forever :D
     
  12. tyler007

    tyler007 Fapstronaut

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    @scote73

    Hello Mate, thank you for your post.

    It is very true.

    //

    Regarding online dating, It may surely work but plenty of people use it as replacement for going out and speak up when they find a girl they are interested in.

    And that's a problem. Simply because you need to get yourself out there...
     
  13. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    I agree with most of what you're saying man. I'm assuming that you've had trouble finding a relationship yourself, and because of all these bad experiences, you've come to realize everything that you've mentioned. I'm only saying this because I've been there. When I was younger, all I wanted was a girlfriend. That was the only thing that made me happy....supposedly. All I can say is that from my own experiences after many failed expectations and heartbreaks, I've come to the realization that I must work on myself.

    What all these rejections and failures have taught me was that I had many flaws. And if I were to get into a relationship at any point, something would go wrong. I was needy, selfish, and extremely impulsive. It took me 10 long years to realize this. I'm 28 now and never had a girlfriend, but if I could go back in time, and just focused on myself, I wouldn't even be here talking to you. Much of what you're saying relates to me a lot, and I'm sure it took you a while to figure this out for yourself. But what kevinkevin19 said is important as well.

    Being single for a while can help you to develop yourself, work on your flaws and insecurities, and changing yourself for the better. I've never been more motivated in my life. For the first time, I'm choosing to focus on myself before I step foot into any relationship. I'd rather be prepared, knowing that my mind is clearer, my emotions under control, and my heart is ready to love again. I think that you should do the same. You've realized all of this now, but it's time to go beyond that.

    Last year was the worst heartbreak of my life. It took a long time to get over it, but I finally decided to focus on myself for once. Like Ikindaknew said, work on yourself the best way that you can. For me, I got my college degree, and just started working full time at a nursery. I've found a passion for plants, and I'm planning to work my way up. Also, I've decided to improve my social skills by joining a Toastmasters club for public speaking. Furthermore, I'm saving up to buy a car and possibly move out. I'm focusing on me, and ONLY me. Girlfriends are the last thing on my mind.

    As of now, you must do the same. Find something to keep your mind off of relationships whether if it's focusing on school or whatever. By the time you're confident in yourself in every single way, you will find someone who is just as confident as you. I find that the best relationships happen when you least expect it, but in my case, it's also finding someone with strong commonalities. Last year, I've found out that I'm drawn to women who are independent. If I want to be on the same caliber as them, I must work on myself to be at their level. So work on yourself; you've come this far by realizing this, so it's time to take action. Man if I knew this 10 years ago, I would have been much better off.
     
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  14. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    You're doing an excellent job, my friend. That's all good stuff! Especially the Toastmasters club; public speaking, if you become good at it, will absolutely help you make a positive mark in this world. I find myself gravitating towards people who speak very well, whether it's in an online video, or among friends, etc.

    You're also absolutely right when it comes to working on myself. Everything I wrote in my OP, is all stuff that I understand in theory. Putting it in practice is the next step. I can tell you that I've become much more interested in the self-help field; I've bought a couple of good books, and I'm watching some very insightful videos on Youtube. I'm starting to become much more intellegent about my own psychology, and realize that there is so much more to life than we can all see. On a related note, I'm starting to develop a very deep interest in spirituality as well.

    Therefore, I believe that I'm on the right track. However, I also realize that I have much work to do in my own personal development in order to be where I want to be. Thanks for your input, @Namekian23 , it was very helpful!
     
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  15. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    It can be a problem...to be perfectly honest, that has been a reason why online dating hasn't worked for me personally. Speaking to someone online just isn't the same as talking to them offline. I've found that I can be very outgoing with a girl online, or via text, then curl up into a shell when I meet them offline...then have a difficult time either calling or texting them back again. It is one of those things I have to personally work on and develop practical strategies for, however, I whole-heartedly believe in myself.
     
  16. Namekian23

    Namekian23 Fapstronaut

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    Yeah any time man
     
  17. WarriorScarr

    WarriorScarr Fapstronaut

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    Really good post. I remember reading something similar from the Nofap section on Reddit. You have to get comfortable with the possibility of not finding someone. It's incredibly hard but when you are working on yourself, accomplishing your goals and just living life you never know what might happen. But when you find that person it's a wonderful feeling. It's going to be worth it and even if nothing happens in finding someone, you are working on yourself.
     
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  18. scote73

    scote73 Fapstronaut

    So...is it no coincedence that soon after I started this thread that I scored a date with a lovely young woman?
     
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  19. Bravo! And thanks for the advice, it's kind of difficult but the truth hurts
     
  20. Lesoldat

    Lesoldat Fapstronaut

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    Good job buddy !
     

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