social anxiety and anger

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Strength in me, Dec 17, 2019.

  1. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    As you can see from the title, this thread is about me as a social anxious person and also a really let"s say like "a person who outbursts when feeling angry or insecure in conflicts."

    I have anger outbursts since my childhood. I don't want to deep dive in the causes of it (education, growing up in a volient place, got bullied, had a rival person who would regularly fight with me).

    I just want to say that social anxiety and anger was of the reason why I was motivated and still am to do NoFap (basicially I didn't fap in my childhood).

    In my early puberty and end of puberty I did regularly PMO and I think this also contributed alot to worsen my social status and increase my anger.

    Since NoFap, I feel less social anxious (I had different phases where I was apathetic or really open and social friendly). It's more easy to go right to people, look them into their eyes (this is a big improvement) and talk to them. However, I still fear to build up a solid contact since my traumatic experiences in the past. And I think here ends NoFap with its benefits and here starts my self-control where I must go further and solve those blockings by myself. To my anger, I can say that it got less severe and less frequent. With this I mean that I don't lose my mind into a non-controable state where I start to scream and harm others or even myself, I acknowledge growing anger in my head (my head feels heavy) and I leave the situation.

    In this case I can explain that PMO was numbing my feelings and that means every feeling (even positive feelings). But before my state of mood could return into its origin, my mind got filled firstly with the negative things before my positive ones came back much more later. Filled with negative feelings, I was negatively adjusted. I was feeling irritated, ready to burst out to something/someone. Putting the numbing out of my life I experience a balanced emotional well being now. That means that I still experience negative feelings but they're not alone. My positive ones are also there telling me to keep peaceful.

    Since a period (4 months), I have unregular streaks. I'm in a huge transition time and focusing on NoFap was really hard because before this period my life had a structure. Now everything feels like it's all over the place. Anyways, I relapsed (PMO) two days ago and before that I fapped here and there (MO). I feel that my social anxiety rised again (not that severe like in the past) and I feel angry and irritated after every relapse. Today, I had a conflict with an older person. It was not a violent fight (forget about the situation). I want to focus on what was going in my body and maybe someone can relate. In the conflict situation, I felt really shaking (I can't tell if the person and the others surrounding us could tell), my voice raised thinner, I began to stutter, my breath got heavy, my heart started to race, some parts of my body started to feel numb (my arms and legs). Not being able to solve the coflinct and cutting the conversation just right here, I felt really dissapointed from myself and I felt really guilty for being a worse person. I returned back to my car and cried. I drove back home and went upstairs fastly in my room and cried maybe like a half hour?

    I had so many thoughts going in my mind:"Am I the guilty one? Wow what the f*ck did just happen? Why can't I just be a normal person? Why do I act up and cry? Forget it I just want to cry. Why are people so cruel to me? Why didn't I got taught how to properly solve conflict? Oh f*ck it, I got it, I am the guilty person." And the list goes on. I think the main thing I realized when writing these thoughts down that they all have little to no value. Theyre just negative rubbish. I think writing this all down helped me calming down and stopping to cry. I posted this here with the intention that I can talk here my soul out and to see if others experienced the same as me. Feel free to reply.
     
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  2. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    I wanted to add some points:
    People in my surrounding (usually my family or my former teachers) came always with blaming, showing that my actions were wrong but... I never got shown alternatives (functioning!!!). Or what gets my nerves: those "friendly" meant solutions in the wrong moment. I'm literally crying and I get to hear words like "Well next time you can do xy". Thank you for your help but I'm deeply angry and crying. Why don't you see that this isn't appropriate at the moment?

    Anyways.
     
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  3. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    I felt really angry (replaying the conflict situation in my head everytime). I used walking as a method to put the anger out and it worked well. I feel calmer and more relaxed.
     
  4. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Hello man! I used to have some anger-management- and emotional control issues in my past (all the way from childhood until my late 20's) and it was through my multiple reactions to everything and everyone that made me lose control over my life and situation.

    Today, at age 31, I have become quite calm, cool reflective and harmonious after undergoing a quite swift transformation for the past 2-3 years, especially during the last two years when my NoFap-journey began. It has been a long and many times demanding and challenging battle but I experienced and felt that for every time I didn't gave in and let my emotions and anger take the upper hand, I felt proud and satisfied that I possessed the amount of self-control in that very moment. I also experienced first-hand how much power and attraction those traits gave me as people started to notice me more and admire me for my tranquility and calm.
    It has also gotten me in touch with new interesting people with time so all advice I can give you man is to keep fighting it day by day. One way to do it is to pick a suiting alter ego who is calm, cool and powerful and imagine that you are that person whenever your emotional control gets challenged. I do always imagine myself being James Bond or MacGyver whenever my emotions try to get the upper-hand in a challenging and demanding situation.
    I simply ask myself then: What would James Bond/MacGyver do in this setting when faced with these circumstances??
     
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  5. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    This summer I had a fairly long streak. During that time I was surprised how emotional I felt. I felt like I just wanted cry a lot. I didn’t like it. I tended to get more emotional when I was in public. I have a bit of social anxiety myself and that may be the root. But I also think I just generally felt more sad. It might have been that I was feeling my emotions more. For me I wanted to cry but couldn’t. So you might consider yourself lucky you could cry. When I have cried from being emotional I’ve felt so much better afterwards.

    I think with anger and anxiety the root cause is often a desire to control things. We want others to act or not act a certain way. Or we want a specific outcome. If we look deep enough we find much of this stress comes from being out of control. And we can never be in control that way. We can’t control everything that happens to us and we certainly can’t control other people. Learning to just let go is really the only solution.
     
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  6. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    As you say people respect a calm man. In fact they often in a way worry about what he might say or do. I mean people can be afraid of an angry man because he is out of control. But they don’t respect or trust such a man. They can fear in a good way a calm man because he is observant and when he does say or do something it is reasonable.
     
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  7. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for the amazing story. I had to reread it some times not because I couldn't understand you but I wanted to internalize your words in my head. There came some questions up in my head. You mentioned about that you didn't gave in and didn't allowed your anger to take the upper hand. What do you mean by this excatly? How does this differ from surpressing emotions/anger? Or did I got this part completely wrong? I also imagine that this part means to remain peaceful and really internalize the peace.
    And another question is: How did you notice that you got noticed more and that you got admired for your peaceful traits? What is different then before?
    And my last question is about the altering ego. It's really cool that you used positive features for me to follow instead of words like "be not angry", "be not anxious" etc. My question is actually about imagining a person in situations whenever being challenged. I don't really have that kind of person as an idol to think or imagine of. How did you find your idols?

    Do you got some more tips on that topic? It would be cool to listen more of you!
     
  8. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for your personal story. I wanted to add something. You said that crying is a relief from your experience. For me, I wished I could cry "normal" but it doesn't happen like that. I also experienced periods of not being able to cry and I think crying would be also a relief.
    I'm not sure how to explain my crying but it feels like a burst after a really intense stress moment where I experience huge anger. I cry for an half hour maybe also for one hour. Those intense stress moments feel like a traumatic experience that keeps in my head for some days (1-3 days). I feel numbed for this brief time. That's why I feel kinda scared of these experiences.

    Your last point is deep. Letting go of the situation is a solution but this can be also hurting to accept that. That's why it should be done wisely. You're right that one can't control the behaviors/actions etc. but what else am I supposed to do? What are the alternatives? My teacher once said "Don't expect anything from life." or a movie character a similiar thing "Don't expect something from people, this way you won't get hurt." But those doesn't seem for me like appropriate alternatives but more like negative life attitudes.
     
  9. LavaMe

    LavaMe Fapstronaut

    I think the human experience must be one of risking ourselves. If you never trust anyone you’d have to be a hermit living apart from everyone. People absolutely disappoint us, but have some sympathy for them. How often do we disappoint ourselves?
     
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  10. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    I think I can agree with you there. People must be vulnerable in order to live and experience. I tell myself that there can be bad experiences but also really good and amazing ones. I think I focused too much on the bad ones which made me speculate the future experiences also negative ("I only have and will have people that are going to dissapoint me, hurt me, etc.") but I'm out of this negative thinking circle. I'm open and ready for the good and amazing experiences but also for the bad (which is quite normal!). It's not the bad experiences that make my life harder but my reaction and how much attention I give them. So rather saying, I had a worse time with my old friends, I would say I actually had good moments with them even we "hate" each other now (hate is a strong word). Or instead of saying I won't trust people anymore, I can say I'm going to trust people and give them necessary personal informations but I will remain cautious in an appropriate manner. Instead of saying I'm not good enough and I'm fairly not fitting in any group, I can say I'm worthy enough to have people that love/like me and that I might not fit in like a puzzle piece but I have really great things to share (such as traits, hobbies and experiences) that will lead to an amazing and long-term connection.

    Now the other challenge is to practice!
     
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  11. Newuser101

    Newuser101 Fapstronaut

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    Hey man! I read your post. I am not a psychologist but I also have some of the symptoms you described (growing up in a volient place, got bullied, had a rival person who would regularly fight with me, PMO). I personally realized that I have a nice guy syndrome (Robert Glover describes it in his book). I would recommend reading about it and you feel that it relates to you do exercises described in the book. I did some of them and that helped me.


     
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  12. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for the recommendation. I will look it up. How do you feel today? Would you say that you are a more peaceful person?
     
  13. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    It happened. I got an angry outburst again. It was now this time with my dad. It wasn't the first time that my dad made me go cross the line. We had this difficult relationship since I was a child. I knew back from there that I wished that he wouldn't be my dad and that I want my parents to be seperated.

    What shocked me so much was that It involved physical hitting. I didn't hit him but rather pushed him. He slapped me several times in my face. In this moment every my siblings and mom came quickly and tried to seperate us. I feel so traumatized of what happened around me. My family members screaming and crying and I felt like my soul left my body. I got into a panic mode and tried to fastly put my clothes on and leave but my sister came and talked to me to stay so I did. We talked, I cried alot and we talked. It went for hours and I got better.

    "I still feel so shocked. I'm so sad and regret my moves but he deserved it. I'm so mad at him and hate him. I don't want to see his face anymore. Why is he even my father. He doesn't deserve us." Thoughts like those are going through my head and I feel so exhausted. I wished this never happened but it did.

    I want to think positive in this moment but when I do I remember what happened and realize what the reality is and I feel sh*t.
     
  14. Newuser101

    Newuser101 Fapstronaut

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    In the last month I lost all my progress so for now not. But right after reading it and doing exercises I felt better. The main benefit was that it became easier for me to set borders and focus on my needs without feeling shame for it.
     
  15. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    I think that you are going to come back on the track! You can do this Bro.

    Btw. what do you mean with borders? Do you mean like that you are able to say "No" and to show where your line is and that it shouldn't be crossed?
    And another question is: In which way did those benefits lower your anger/gave you more control of your emotions/helped you remain a peaceful being? Was it that your anger was based on people not respecting your line and crossing it the way they wanted it which made you feel (naturally) threatened so you reacted out of your own safety with aggression? Showing the people now where the line is in a peaceful and respectful way made them stop crossing it which saved (emotional) energy.
    I know I'm going too deep into it but it is really interesting for me! Can you go more specific on this? Take your time!
    See you bro!
     
  16. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    What I meant by didn't giving in to my emotions was simply the process of stopping myself in the anger-moment, thinking back at what sense it had made in the past to react like a child in similar situations. It hasn't gone overnight but has rather been a process of growing older, having more experiences on my back and actually, NoFap really helped me in the process since I got more energy, higher T-levels, improved cognitive capacity and a more optimistic outlook on most things that happened/occurred in my life.
    I also started to notice my thoughts cleared and reasoning improved whenever I calmed myself down in those stressful situations. Whenever I calmed myself down in those stressful situations, walking away from them in a calm and collected manner (while keeping a good and relaxed posture), people who saw it all seemed to follow it with their looks, just like they had witnessed something extraordinary. They are probably more used to people getting pissed off at everything and everyone in their daily lives.

    I don't know exactly how I picked my personal idols (as role models for handling stressful situations) but I guess you essentially have to pick one that suits most of your innate natural skills. Since I am quite handy, like to work with my hands, entire body, prefer to listen, think and reflect before I speak, don't fear too many new and unknown situations (but rather face them with a calm sense of mind), I thought that James Bond and Angus MacGyver are two kinds of persons (although fictive ones) who would suit my character well. It is them I always imagine whenever I am in a stressful situation, thinking about how they would have handled it.
     
  17. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    This sounds amazing! I would like to know if you went this process by your own or if you had any support (be it online, in real, a conselour) that helped you through your journey. If yes, what kind of advices or help did you receive from that person? Did you learn any techniques that helped you to calm yourself in those moments?

    I also want to know if you had setbacks in your process. How did you handle with those and what was different than the times where you actually could control your emotions?

    Thank you for answering on my questions! They are helping me to go one step further each time.
     
  18. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    Although I went through most of it on my own, I also had some support on the side as well. One of the those supports were actually my boss (at work) at the time. Every time I lost my temper during one of the analyses and I smacked my clenched fist into the lab-bench, he told me several times in a calm and controlled manner that there are other ways of dealing with the issue. Controlled ways where my emotions wouldn't get the upper hand not and not take control of the situation as that would just make the situation worse.
    So, every time I faced similar situations, I thought about his advice, stopped for a moment, took a few deep breaths and continued on with the task. Every time I managed to keep it under control, I felt like James Bond and tried to remember that great feeling for the next time I was tempted to lose my temper. I have also been trying to remember all those times I lost my temper over the years and how little it had served me and how painful it felt (physically and mentally) to act it out. Not to mention how ridiculous and childish I must have looked in front of everyone as well.

    Another good role model has actually been my younger brother who has always been really calm and (almost never) lost his temper. At least not in front of me, my siblings, and his friends. He has never been that kind of anxious/worried person who sees problems in everything but rather that one who never bother about things/events he can't control. Since it has served him well, I have really copied many of his approaches to stressful situations and since they have served me as well, I don't lose my temper or energy over things I can't control. Even the things I can control, I rarely lose my temper over these days, although I can sigh loudly, grit my teeth and curse once in a while over a stressful situation.

    Then, most people in my social circle are really calm and easy-going people who rarely lose their temper (especially the new friends I have made over the past few years) and I have of course been influenced by them as well. Those are definitely the kind of people you want to have around when shite hits the fan.

    Yes, I did of course face some setbacks along the way but after reading many books about "The law of attraction" and personal development, I have immediately redirected my temper-driven thoughts in challenging situations since I know that negative thoughts and energies emits negative frequencies that will give you the same back. I have also noticed that bigger and better things are coming to me automatically whenever I manage to control myself and redirect those negative energies to the bin and focus on the positives instead.
     
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  19. Strength in me

    Strength in me Fapstronaut

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    As I understood you, you reminded yourself of what it means to stay calm and peaceful to stressful situations (you will be rewarded with positive consequences) and also what it means to act out negative emotions such as anger (you will experience negative consequences).
    This is now interesting because in my stressful situations, I was also (clearly) confronted either staying calm or acting out my anger. And I was also aware of the consequences because I had several times where I acted out my anger and I know what it means for others and for myself. But why didn't I learn of the situation? Why do I keep letting my anger out? I had a week ago a fight with my dad where we got physical (After he screamed at my sibling). I could simply not hold myself and scream at my father for what he thinks he is doing and grabbed his arms tightly. He started to slap me several times in the face where I barely can remember the pain (I barely can remember the fight) and each second passing, my soul was more split from my body (I felt no emotions left back). After hours, my soul returned in my body (my emotions were back) and I cried alot.
    I ask myself if it were possible for staying calm and peaceful from the begin on, not screaming at my father and not putting myself into a fight. Maybe I could have started to accept his behavior as something that I can't control but I can't handle the fact that he hurted my sibling.

    I think that I would be such a more peaceful and calm person when my surroundings would be peaceful and calm too. But where do I start? I have no friends, just my siblings who are like best friends to me. I made several attempts to create sustainable friendship but failed because either it was toxic or I failed because of my social anxiety. I don't know where to search for a peaceful surrounding. I know it sounds weird but I don't know which traits make peaceful people signal to the outside world "Hey I am a peaceful being!".
     
  20. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    It sounds like you might need some other source/activity in which you can redirect all the energy that is building up in every one of those situations.
    Have you ever tried to make an assessment (or overview) of your current habits and considered discarding your bad ones while trying to adopt some new ones ?
    I did at least have some great help of my intense exercise routine since I have been a semi-professional athlete for the past 14-15 years. Not only have all of my runs, hard workouts, and sessions over the years cleansed my mind out of much toxic negativity and strengthened my body, it has also learned me to handle setbacks, people, periods of stagnation (sometimes for years), disappointments, frustrations aches and pains. The older I have become, the easier has it become to handle stressful situations since I have learned through experience since I have more stressful experiences on my back now than 10-15 years ago when I didn't have much experience in how to handle them. Back in the day, I did many times react on pure emotion but over the years, I can remember all of those times it didn't serve me when I did so I chose to act differently instead which served me better (according to experience).

    I don't know what age you are mate (I am almost 32 myself) but for most dudes, the anger-management issues fade away the older, more experienced and mature you become since you have more life-experience than younger guys. At least, that has certainly been my case and although I many times wish I was born with a natural tranquility/calmness (so I didn't have to go through all of those painful years and experiences) I am grateful for this journey since it taught more about myself than otherwise would have been the case.
    Even for those guys who don't get control of it when older, most of them tend to do some day when they are faced with serious consequences if they don't learn some proper anger-management (such as serious illness, divorce, disconnection from family members, felonies, and antipathy from others).
     

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