Social Anxiety so Debilitating I've Finally Realised It's Why Playing Soccer is Making Me Suicidal

Hi everyone, I've played soccer my entire life. I turned 18 over a month ago and soccer is coming back again. I've always been the quite one in the team who never really mingles with the other players, I usually only talk to my team during training or a game, not after, not before and I usually leave straight after. I've played quite a few different teams over the years but it's mainly been the same few players I have been with the entire time.

I usually known as one of the hardest working and most physical players on the field too.
They use me anywhere, striker, winger but I've always been a defender first and foremost.

Nonetheless, at the start of every season, particularly the last 4 years and especially the last two; I've always dreaded coming back into the soccer season and training with everyone, especially in try-outs. I feel as though everyone is judging me, and every move or decision I make is being judged by those around me. Every time I fuck up, people will be fucking rude. No one has any fucking respect for me or the effort I put in.

Last November, I joined a soccer academy that trained 5 days a week from 5:30 am to 7:30am and never having played at a high level or being particularly skilled; I always felt as though I was being judged by the players around me and got abused quite a lot because of my quiet nature. At the academy, the coaches said I was a hard worker, that I had a strong passion for soccer and that if I continued training I could eventually play at a high level but the social anxiety was too much. Every time I made a mistake I would call myself a fuck up in my head or some other obscenity almost verbalising what I thought my teammates were thinking. Because of me already making stupid mistakes for unknown reasons, the thoughts would basically perpetuate this until I just kept fucking up all the time. I left the academy sometime in March because the social anxiety of being around other players was just too much I couldn't handle the stress of it anymore and I hadn't felt like I was getting any better. I had trained so much even outside of the academy, at least 15 hours on soccer per week alone and I hardly felt like I was any better of a player.

So I essentially have concluded that I'm just not a good player at soccer. I see people who do nothing but fuck around all day and are far better at soccer than I am despite me who had put at least a hundred hours of training into soccer over 1 month alone. Despite me putting in all this effort, no one shows me any respect, I work harder than most players, am fitter than most in my team but whenever I fuck up people think they can tell me what to do or call me shit.

Just yesterday, soccer was starting up again and our team resumed training with the premier team for our club and during the training I kept fucking up and players around me would say "What the fuck are you doing" "Nice pass man" being a smartass, and it's frustrating because all I ever do is try my best, it's not my fault I'm such an autistic retarded fuck up. Than I walk home trying not to cry from the stress of feeling like everyone around me is judging or criticizing my every move, even shaking hands or small talk is crippling to my mental state, I can't fucking handle it anymore. I want to fucking die. This happens to me every year and I think it is soccer that is causing it, I'm so fucking over this sport I have completely lost all enjoyment for it.