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Social Anxiety's Ugly Head...

Discussion in 'Self Improvement' started by Questosterone, Sep 11, 2014.

  1. I've always known myself to be a little nervous around new people, especially women. But today was something different, eye openingly different. I had a job interview in a call centre, full of chatty people as you can imagine, as soon as I walked into the workplace I felt nothing but fear, not the general nervousness of a new career, just a sense of dread. It was as though everyone was aware of me, aware of how pathetic I was, or at least felt.

    During the tour of the place I listened to some of the employees chatting away so easily with each other. I always hated that, watching people conversing without any trouble or fear. Throughout the interview I sat there like a scared little boy, not sure where to put my hands, not sure what to say etc... And things I did manage to say didn't come out right, my voice was restricted and castrated, not like the usual deep, booming voice I normally speak with.

    On the way home while I sat on the bus, I noticed how many happy groups of people there were all around me. Smiling, laughing and generally being sociable. I had never felt so disconnected from the rest of the world like I did today. It was horrible. I also found out I didn't get the job via e-mail, but that didn't matter, I only had this terrible feeling.

    Then I knew why I felt like this. I had relapsed a few times recently, and all my confidence (what little I had anyway) had completey gone. All I wanted to do was escape into my own little Fap filled world. But that is exactly the trap of the Fap beast.

    Now as I right this I have never been more motivated to quit, I never again want to feel like I did today. Disconnected, unreal and impossible. A few minutes of fapping pleasure is just not worth it. Never fap again, go beyond 90 days, fapping just ain't worth it...

    I'm sure alot of you can relate, so remember you're not alone. Stay strong, Brothers...
     
  2. Dad

    Dad Fapstronaut

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    Comparing yourself to other people is a trap and an illusion. Looking around and seeing nothing but happy people when you are miserable is just a state of mind. I can think of lots of times that I felt on top of the world and looked around at the people in my view and thought "everyone of these poor saps is miserable". This was equally an illusion.
    Love yourself. Rising out of an addiction can be an upward spiral that will fuel itself. Believing in yourself, is the only thing that is truly real. (As far as anyone knows for sure).
     
  3. Thanks. I know you are right. I can be better than I was on that day. I like what you said about the upward spiral, as each day goes by I get better at seeing the illusion.
     
  4. Dad

    Dad Fapstronaut

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    I like to hear about when people like themselves. When they can rise above their ego and realize that we are all in this together. I know that you can be better than what you described in that story, or you wouldn't have been able to see it in order to describe it.
     
  5. I guess it takes a relapse or two to see how it can mess with the mind.
     
  6. persian29

    persian29 Fapstronaut

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    @ questosterone - you mentioned that your normal self is deep and booming voice and because you masturbated a few times it all changed....

    how long had it been since you masturbated and how long had you been abstaining for?
    do you normally masturbate alot?
    what other kinds of anxietys do u have?fears?
     
  7. Between 5 and 7 days my voice gets louder. I've always had a deep voice, but it gets deeper the longer I abstain. I relapsed the day before my voice weakened. If talking about fears though, it's always social related, especially around masculine men or attractive girls. I think the sense of accomplishment I get from doing a nofap streak gives me the confidence to overcome that fear, it's just a case of keeping it up. The longest I went without masturbation was about two weeks and I was incredibly confident and clear headed.
     
  8. persian29

    persian29 Fapstronaut

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    Ok, I am not a doctor but i feel like I have an idea for you that may or may not help but it sure wouldnt hurt to try. It seems like their is an underlying self-worth or self-esteem issue. It was mentioned that you are fearful in situations involving hot women and masculine men which seems like there is an intimidation factor there. The porn is only fueling the flames and is causing your confidence to drop and is really just worsening the condition. So, my recommendation would be to: 1st) cut out porn and stay nofap 2nd) try listeing to self esteem hyponosis soundtracks before sleep and do this every night for at least a week and see how you feel after. if it improves, then keep going with it. By following both of these recommendations, I am almost certain you will see alot of progress!

    Good luck
     
  9. Nageroma

    Nageroma Fapstronaut

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    I've been there. But you can't compare yourself to others, and this goes with relationships too. You cannot compare because you are your own person with your own personality. Once you get into the trap of looking at others to see how 'You're supposed to act' then you're just getting rid of who you are.

    Anxiety is a little devil. One day I'm able to speak in front of people and others I'm inside my head trying to figure out what to do or say. The thing I do, and this is me, I say to myself "What good is forcing myself to interact when I'm not in the mood?" You can't force yourself to be sociable when you're simply not in the mood. I'd agree that you should stay on here and talk to people about it if that helps; being able to trust others can really get you out of your head and it helps with better understanding your situation.

    It's wonderful that you can see that fapping doesn't help. It's just for the moment, just like a drug, or any other addiction. I really hope you can find a way to deal with this, not just cope.

    Keep writing, and stay strong!
     
  10. Thanks guys, after a few days it gets easier. It's just the relapses that get me down.
     
  11. Yada91

    Yada91 Fapstronaut

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    I myself used/still do suffer with Social anxiety. I used to be one of those chatty people on the bus you mentioned then as soon as I hit 20 the social anxiety came. Over the past 3 years I became a wreck, unable to speak to anyone without alcohol/drugs and I just used to fap away in my own world. Your experience is very similar to mine and on about day 5/7 of NoFap I also got an interview for a call center. I turned up and I was a nervous wreck but the Gods were smiling on me that day and I got the job. 3 weeks in and I have literally 0 anxiety now.

    What I did to get out of it was 'NoFap' and to face your fear head on. The first thing I did was go on Facebook when I got the urge to fap and started talking to people. Then I started talking to my family once my confidence grew a bit. Eventually with a combination of both and a lot of breathing to manage the anxiety I got a job and it's grown from there really.

    I did have a panic attack in my first week and just left the building but my colleagues told me to come back to work and not let the anxiety beat me. You'll be surprised how supportive people are even though in your own head you think everyone is against you and judging you,it's not the case at all.

    I'm sorry to hear about the interview and your situation but if you keep your head up and learn to manage the anxiety you're no different from those people in the call center.

    Best of luck buddy
     
  12. Thanks. That helps me a lot.
     
  13. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    Two words: Exposure Therapy.

    You can destroy your fear by putting yourself out there into social situations again and again, and living to see another day. You went to this one job interview. It went badly, but you lived. You can do it again and each time it will get a little bit easier. Years later, you'll find your former self unrecognizable.

    Check out this guy's journey through rejection therapy. I love "rejection" number 3 (Olympic donuts) - the dude is granted his ridiculous request! Ask and ye shall receive. It's true for confidence too.
     
    PotentLife likes this.
  14. Thanks. I like this idea.
     
  15. Crithic

    Crithic Guest

    I know the feeling brother, I have dating/relationship anxiety. I get a sense of dread every time I'm not with my girlfriend and then I just want to fap to relieve it, but it always makes it worse. I have found many ways now to ignore my anxiety and have become a lot happier. If you want a good book on it try From Panic To Power by Lucinda Bassett. Stay strong Brother!
     
    PotentLife likes this.
  16. What ways have you found to ignore the anxiety?
     
  17. chinchilla808

    chinchilla808 Fapstronaut

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    Social anxiety can put a huge damper on any situation fast. While I wouldn't say I had debilitating social anxiety, it could get pretty bad. I used to lay awake at night thinking about how I messed up talking to someone, usually a very attractive girl. It feels like a prisoners ball and chain dragging around and messing up your day.

    But it can get better. PMO trains us to take the easy way. PMO allows us to postpone our anxiety, depression, and life in general. But it never goes away, it'll just come back stronger. Think of the long termeffects. My behavior now is WAAAAY different now, and for the better. My voice resonates more and is steadier, I rarely hesitate when I want to talk to someone, and I don't waste valuable time and energy worrying about what other people think. You can do this.

    Sorry if this seemed a bit lengthy, but I feel very strongly that trying to quit PMO has changed my life for the better. Stay strong!
     
  18. Kawesome7

    Kawesome7 New Fapstronaut

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    Thank you stay strong too brother
     
  19. AClearLife

    AClearLife Fapstronaut

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    Questosterone, and everyone else on that has previous commented,

    This thread has resonated with me greatly and I want to acknowledge that for me the Social Anxiety aspect has been the second most plaguing effect of PMO, the first being the cravings after having abstained from my habits.

    It has very much been an upward battle for me and I've committed to a better life through the advice provided here on this thread. The point here is facing those fears and the negative voices in your head. We've so much more to live for and there is no reason we should be living life with such demoralizing thoughts of dread and unhappiness when confronting a social situation. I completely relate 100% with social anxiety from PMO.

    All we will continue to do is affirm our strength on a daily basis and make those new habits a reality. Keep taking the bus. Maybe ride a bike and take it with you! Just make a casual comment with a stranger. These are the things that can be detrimental to your attitude and outlook for the rest of the day. We are strong in our motivation to become more social. We are social beings and we are going to retain our comfort as we progress.

    I'm not sure I have much to add here on new habits, but I know that repeating those that are known among this community is a healthy habit in itself to establish them in our new mindsets. Daily mediation, daily exercise like running or lifting, a better diet full of whole foods for complex carbs as in fruits and vegetables, and a generally busy schedule can substitute for a need for comfort. We know that our brains are scavenging for a chemical comfort like our old habits, but we must provide the hours of work for that aspect. In this case we must act in body and mind to help provide a more constructive way of living. This requires sacrifice.

    I could go on and on but I will stop here. Congrats to everyone for their progress!
     
  20. Malty88

    Malty88 Fapstronaut

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    HI Questosterone,

    Your exp speak to me on such a personal level...man I can feel you pain, I have gone thorugh that same hell
    for almost 10 years...

    Some quick backround on me, I'm 26. At age 12 ( first one in my class ) I started to get acne, really bad acne, level 4 acne...my face was covered with them....I finally got rid of them about 3-4 years ago...man this effected me so much...avoided all social gatherings...couldn't look people in the eyes...my voice was
    very quiet and my body was nervously shaking if I was somewhere where there were alot of people...

    Ok fast forword, so we don't make this in to a novel...The following things helped me to regain my live,
    and severly reduce social anxiety

    1) I got help, I found a mentor in a very unusal way, a dating coach...This guy opened my eyes to things I
    though were impossible...but here is an exercise that can help you out with battling social anxiety, its a multiple step at fighting social anxiety...

    Ok lets take a shopping mall for example here

    STEP 1: For this first step, just go around the shopping mall, you don't need to talk to nobody, you don't
    need to interact with anybody...just BE....feel the energy around you...go to shops...check out
    their merchandise...the goal of this exercise is to get used of being in social gatherings...
    But very important, only go to STEP 2 when you feel comfortable with STEP 1

    STEP 2: Ok for step two, now at this step you will start to notice other people, how you ask ? well we will
    start to look people in the eyes, as we are walking by them. Not in a agreesive way, in a friendly
    way, havea small smile on your face as you look at people, not a big grin, your not psyco. The goal
    of this exercise is to get used at looking people in the eyes, and NOT LOWERING YOUR GAZE FIRST !!!
    This one is a big one, trust me...it will give you confidence...for a special bonus in motivation,
    just wait when you look at a girl you find attractive, you look her in the eyes with a smile, and
    she smiles back...thats a great feeling. Only go to STEP 3 when you can comfortably look at people

    STEP 3: Now at step three, you are already looking at people in the eyes, thats good. Now for this step,
    when you enter a clothing shop, choose a person you would like to talk to. Don't worry you won't
    need to talk to nobody just yet. When you chose that person, start walking towords them, in your
    head listen what you mind is telling you, and just shut your mind down. just before you reach that
    person, turn to the nearest clothing rack, and start browsing it. The goal of this exercise is to
    get used to the approach, and to get used of your mind coming up with 100 and 1 excuse why not to
    do it. But when approaching a person, you can look in their eyes, but also break the gaze first
    here, so not to make the other person uncomfortable as your walking directly to them. Go to STEP 4
    when you can easily go to the person you want and stand near them.

    STEP 4: Ok at step four, here is where you will be pushed a bit more. You will start talking to people,
    but don't worry, not just random people. We will be talking to sales people in the shops.Remember
    this phrase: " Hi, I'm buying a gift for my little niece, shes 6 years old. Do you have any idea
    what would be a good gift for here ? "...In every shop...use this phrase...they will help you out,
    might ask you what your niece likes, or what are her favorite colors, how big is she,etc...But
    wait, what is this ? Why my friend, you are talking to strangers, and it doesn't hurt does it ?
    Nothing is happening. Slowly your brain will start to rewire, with exp gathered, and your social
    anxiety will start to fade.

    STEP 5: Ok for this last step, you can just ask another question, not related to the gift. Like ask the
    salesperson how their day is going,etc...or make an observation...on how you like their shirt...


    Basicly this is the step by step for people with serious anxiety problems. Of course for apporaching strangers and especially hot girls, well that is a bit diffrent, might write it some other time. Hope this
    helps you out my friend, you can also check my Journal here:

    http://www.nofap.org/forum/showthre...ttling-The-Giant-I-call-PMO-one-day-at-a-time

    You might find some useful things here through time, I will be posting every day....

    Cheers

    Malty

    P.S. : Also to give you an example where you can get if you truly set out to battle your social anxiety and
    fear from rejection...I am able to cold call any customer/business and offer them products, engage them in small talk....I have become the best salesperson, with the most recruited members at a nonprofit organization called Amnesty International...I also am able to beat my anxiety on times, and approach girls
    that I truly am attracted to...and so on...man trust me..if somebody like me can do it, you can do it for sure !
     

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