I want to be a cold bloddied emo teenager. As far as I had known I'm not that heartless , just seeing someone argue and fight makes me laught most of the time but deep down I was scared to death what may happened
That's a natural response, you strike me as someone that think freely, and that is sensitive, on a good way, like in being aware of yours and others emotions way, so facing hard situations, not being heartless, as you say, your reaction is to shut it all down, to supress those emotions, also if they are a weakness, become stone cold and heartless, it would save you from the suffering, laughing it off on the outside...
What you talk about, I find it, oddly too relatable as to my own life, and let me tell you son, it doesn't end up well, you have no responsability over how others treat each other, if they argue or fight, or how they act.
I pity myself for being so spineless, "why can't I just be like that, be that person who doesn't need anyone, whos perfect and all, why can't I??!"
Don't pity yourself, is good to aim to self-reliance, so one day, other can relay on you, there is no such thing as perfect, and in this world, we always need someone, the world is a lonely place, and we people need someone, even if just one person, that we can trust, not to be dependent on them, but for our own wellbeing, because sometimes we need a second opinion, sometimes we need someone to see things from the outside when we cannot.
I had ignored through all of it, thinking this was just a part of it, till the Covid-19 pandemic began, I become so isolated that I even ignored my own family but I had not regretted any ounce of it.
Think deeply about this, because you may not regret it now, but you may later, you only have so much time to truly have your family, until you become an independent man, and even them, those from your family that you appreciate, won't be here forever.
It was never always like that, was it because my mother provoke my father to cheat on her? Was it because they're not married? Was it because we're having too much financial problems, it was always that bad....
Those are not questions for you to answer, focus on yourself, learn from their mistakes, and by this I mean, notice the things that caused or are caused suffering, and take the lesson to have yourself a better life in the future, focus on your own future, and don't stress trying to answer questions that are not really for you to answer.
I had never thought this world would be this boring, I always thought it's gonna be more dangerous and depressing but also exciting but nah it's just pure boredom.
This world and life, is pretty damn boring, it is for us to set us goals, challenges, and go after them on our own adventure, and it will have it's depressing times, and it's exciting times.
I choose a Nursing strand at school, since my mother been nagging me to become Nurse so that I could travel the world and save people, yeah my ass you just want money. Anyways I wanna make my mom proud just this once even though I want to be a Artist-Writter, well nursing could work too since I once dream about being a doctor after being save by one. Must be nice if I could become a astronomer or a astronaut....
Choose what you want to be, money can come your way, doesn't really matter what you do, if you do it the right way, and become good at it, money will come your way.
You can be a doctor, and a writter, and studying as a nurse may be a way to get yourself closer to that field, so don't understimate it either.
But ultimately, you are the one that has to think, and choose, what you will be, never let others make that decision for you.
I know that coming from a background were financial problems are common grounds, money feels like one of those mistakes to not repeat, and that you may think a lot and focus a lot about the money, but don't sacrifice your own desires, just for the money, make your desires, make the money.
My first expression that everyone been talking about lately is that I'm a mysterious person, really?? wth oh well thats fine... Been ask to hang out with them and I agreed just cause I might practice making conversation... Guess what? I did not talk the whole time, my freaking bazooki, I had no idea what theyre talking about nor what the fuck I should talk about hahahaha....
Hahahahaha sounds like if you don't talk too much about yourself, it's hard for people to pick up what's on your head, hence, mysterious hahahaha you are not that much of a mystery to yourself, or so you think, but seeing from outside I kind of imagine why they might think so.
I'm still wondering why the f are they so nice to me, I guess I'm being used as a dumpster of them and being a burner vehicle for them to throw away after they're done with me? Being nice just because, nah?
Have you consider that people may actually just want to be nice to you? I don't know, I may be wrong, but sometimes people are nice because they want to help other people, or just because.
I forgotten I was a delusional person, damm it just like I was once we're I'm being treated as a god damm dog. If I was a dog I would have bite them already, but damm it I cant bite the ones whos nice to me. I hate my nature.
Don't hate your nature, but learn how to bite when needed too.
It looks to me like you have been going through a lot, take it easy, you are figuring out life, and figuring out what man you will be, practice makes perfect, and you can do almost anything you get your mind into, and you may change what that is during the years.
Know yourself well, know what is your nature, because you can trick others, but not yourself, otherwise you will have a conflict, because I'm like this, and want to be like that, and learn and train the skills that you are weakest at, so you have more tools to do whatever you want to do.
And lastly hahaha considering the nature of this place, don't watch porn.
I wish someone would have told me all this, when I was your age, take care, greatness is ahead of you.
