I'm a heterosexual male in my 30's and almost all my life I've been fantasising about a man. That man is me. A dream version of myself. Offline I've felt like a man sometimes, but online I'm definitely a boy. A boy fascinated by sex. Well, it was once sex, but now it's porn. And porn isn't sex.
I've been battling with my addiction for over a decade. Damn. Did I just say that? I guess writing this post is helping me already shed some dead skin. I watched my first explicit porn at 14. However, my fascination with sex developed a lot earlier than that.
I have an older brother and he learned about sex education in primary school (this is the part where you discover I'm British). Guess who he offloaded to as soon when he returned home? He was very young to learn about such a thing, and I was too young to learn about it - especially from another kid. My curiosity was piqued. So like any other new childhood discovery, I shared it with my best friend in school. We were hooked; whether I was at home with my bro' or whether I was at school with my friend. Years later, the same childhood friend, then got even when he showed us an actual porno' at the age of 14.
(By the way, I grew up during the dial-up years, pre-broadband and smart-phones. I can only imagine the profound impact internet porn would have on me now if I was a kid).
Prior to watching this vivid pornographic scene, (which actually disgusted me), I was limited to soft-core movies starring Sharon Stone or Shannon Tweed. Basic Instinct was on repeat! This amongst many other late night TV shows and erotic movies we taped. Yes - taped. Jeez, I feel old.
Sex was sexy in soft-core. Sex was nasty in hardcore. Well, more so back then because the only film my friend could find was his dad's old collection of 70's porn. Y'know, before the shaved vagizzles and waxed chests. These men were grizzly and the women were furry. Climax in soft-core was sensual. Climax in hardcore shocked the hell out of me. I couldn't believe what I saw. Despite my repulsion, my curiosity piqued again.
I was a voyeur. I never really touched myself, except for adjusting my pants if they were too tight. I just observed the screen intensely. After seeing that hardcore scene though, I finally knew what it would take to make me climax. And shortly after seeing that film, I had a shower I'll never forget. Since then, I've been experiencing both sensation and shame for ages. Literally. Highs and lows come hand in hand... excuse the pun. Thereafter, broadband and smart-phones appeared.
By default, I'm an introvert, so I spend a lot of time alone anyway. Throw porn into the mix and you've got yourself a dangerous cocktail for procrastination. Fast forward some years, I've spent A LOT of time alone. I don't dare to calculate how many hours and days I've wasted. This crippling habit has allowed me to chase only a few, out of many dreams.
It's taken me years to realise that my isolated porn addiction was making me more anxious and depressed. Quitting is something I've been trying to do since I started, but never has my determination been more strong until I hit my 30's. In fact, it wasn't supposed to continue into my 30's.
My other posts...
WHY I'M GLAD I RELAPSED: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/why-im-glad-i-relapsed.151499/#post-1253269
HOW TO GET YOUR TIME BACK: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-to-get-your-time-back.150269/#post-1239527
REAL, GENUINE BENEFITS: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...benefits-ive-experienced.148708/#post-1225891
TOP TIPS FOR NEWBIES: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/top-tips-for-newbies.140967/#post-1135734
360 VIRTUAL REALITY PORN: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/360-virtual-reality-porn.142536/
ROUGH PORN: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/rough-porn.142538/#post-1153459
HOW HABITS WORK: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-habits-work.149202/
THE PROBLEM WITH NOFAP: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...benefits-ive-experienced.148708/#post-1225891
I've been battling with my addiction for over a decade. Damn. Did I just say that? I guess writing this post is helping me already shed some dead skin. I watched my first explicit porn at 14. However, my fascination with sex developed a lot earlier than that.
I have an older brother and he learned about sex education in primary school (this is the part where you discover I'm British). Guess who he offloaded to as soon when he returned home? He was very young to learn about such a thing, and I was too young to learn about it - especially from another kid. My curiosity was piqued. So like any other new childhood discovery, I shared it with my best friend in school. We were hooked; whether I was at home with my bro' or whether I was at school with my friend. Years later, the same childhood friend, then got even when he showed us an actual porno' at the age of 14.
(By the way, I grew up during the dial-up years, pre-broadband and smart-phones. I can only imagine the profound impact internet porn would have on me now if I was a kid).
Prior to watching this vivid pornographic scene, (which actually disgusted me), I was limited to soft-core movies starring Sharon Stone or Shannon Tweed. Basic Instinct was on repeat! This amongst many other late night TV shows and erotic movies we taped. Yes - taped. Jeez, I feel old.
Sex was sexy in soft-core. Sex was nasty in hardcore. Well, more so back then because the only film my friend could find was his dad's old collection of 70's porn. Y'know, before the shaved vagizzles and waxed chests. These men were grizzly and the women were furry. Climax in soft-core was sensual. Climax in hardcore shocked the hell out of me. I couldn't believe what I saw. Despite my repulsion, my curiosity piqued again.
I was a voyeur. I never really touched myself, except for adjusting my pants if they were too tight. I just observed the screen intensely. After seeing that hardcore scene though, I finally knew what it would take to make me climax. And shortly after seeing that film, I had a shower I'll never forget. Since then, I've been experiencing both sensation and shame for ages. Literally. Highs and lows come hand in hand... excuse the pun. Thereafter, broadband and smart-phones appeared.
By default, I'm an introvert, so I spend a lot of time alone anyway. Throw porn into the mix and you've got yourself a dangerous cocktail for procrastination. Fast forward some years, I've spent A LOT of time alone. I don't dare to calculate how many hours and days I've wasted. This crippling habit has allowed me to chase only a few, out of many dreams.
It's taken me years to realise that my isolated porn addiction was making me more anxious and depressed. Quitting is something I've been trying to do since I started, but never has my determination been more strong until I hit my 30's. In fact, it wasn't supposed to continue into my 30's.
My other posts...
WHY I'M GLAD I RELAPSED: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/why-im-glad-i-relapsed.151499/#post-1253269
HOW TO GET YOUR TIME BACK: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-to-get-your-time-back.150269/#post-1239527
REAL, GENUINE BENEFITS: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...benefits-ive-experienced.148708/#post-1225891
TOP TIPS FOR NEWBIES: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/top-tips-for-newbies.140967/#post-1135734
360 VIRTUAL REALITY PORN: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/360-virtual-reality-porn.142536/
ROUGH PORN: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/rough-porn.142538/#post-1153459
HOW HABITS WORK: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.php?threads/how-habits-work.149202/
THE PROBLEM WITH NOFAP: https://www.nofap.com/forum/index.p...benefits-ive-experienced.148708/#post-1225891
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