Softcore Porn On YouTube

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by gymismylife, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Caught my SO watching soft core porn on YouTube. His excuse was that you can't see anything.

    We got in to a huge fight about it. Now somehow I'm the bad guy for looking at his internet history.

    A few weeks ago I found an email he had sent to a rub and tug asking to book an appointment. Where does it end. Every time I discover something like This, the pattern is the same. He gets really mad at me for catching him. Then he's incredibly remorseful and ashamed. Then he's sick of talking about it and I need to get over it. Then I find something else. Lately it seems his anger phase is getting longer and his remorse phase is getting shorter. I don't know if I can take any more of this.
     
  2. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    :( This seems to be a cycle that is all too common, especially the anger phase getting longer/remorse getting shorter. Unfortunately, it will most likely continue down that path until he is able to see for himself that his addiction is destroying himself and your relationship, and he has to really want that to change. Of course he's angry. Now that you're not so naive or unaware of the reality of his addiction, it's making it a lot harder for him to continue feeding the addiction without getting caught. However, that actually makes it easier for him to misplace the blame on you. But, it clearly isn't your fault.

    :confused: If you can't see anything, why bother? Even if he doesn't see the same things or as much as he does in actual P, he's still getting the little dopamine hit...which is the whole reason he's doing it in the first place. He's just rationalizing a psub since it seems to be "not as bad as P."

    I'm sorry you're going through this. I understand it wears you down til you don't know what to do anymore. Wish I had something fantastic and helpful to say to ease your pain, but I don't. I can tell you, though, that you're not alone. There are many of us here who understand and will support you any way we can. Stay strong. Hugs.
     
    Last edited: Apr 27, 2019
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  3. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for your.kind words. I.really needed them. I'm so thankful for this forum and the people in it.

    You're right. He does misplace blame and it sucks because I always get sucked in somehow and end up being the one to say sorry. He told me.today that yesterday was the first time in months that he's looked at any form of porn and that when I look at his internet history it makes him feel like he's not an equal partner and I'm mothering him. I explained that I did it to protect myself but ended up backing down and apologizing for doing it. He actually had the audacity to say that instead of getting mad at him for his small screw up, that I should be thanking him for having stayed away from porn for 3 months.
     
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  4. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

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    This is the cycle of abuse and he is very much gaslighting you. I'm very sorry you are going through this.
     
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  5. Trappist

    Trappist Fapstronaut

    https://soundcloud.com/loverice/the-science-of-human-connection-with-dr-sue-johnson

    Looking up something for my group,
    I then noted your post and thought you might find it interesting, too.
    not that it will fit exactly; this is a long term problem of huge implications.

    wish you success as you find your footing
    as you defend yourself and that which you love.

    Many PA/SA look for p-subs as they strive for sobriety.
    Sure, I haven't looked at P for whatever the counter below says,
    but there are so many other ways I can get sucked in.
    Looking at anything around me that 'preoccupies' my focus is a problem for me,
    so I do not entertain.

    Here, the setting of an appointment for a "rub and tug",
    was probably preceded by preoccupation thinking about the various forms
    that feed his addiction.

    'Ritualization' is the next step after preoccupation and is the appointment making.

    Acting out, then despair are the next steps.

    The 'cute' name of R+T
    and the (action of an)
    appointment is big.
    or would be for my SO
    And myself.
     
    Last edited: Apr 29, 2019
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  6. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you for this. I will listen as soon as I am free to do so.

    Regarding the rub and tug, his justification was that we had gotten in to a rather significant argument, and he was out of town, and angry at me. Terrible excuse. His excuse for watching soft core porn was that he was feeling frustrated with me, and therefore lonely.

    He claims that he realizes that there is not an excuse for his behaviour, then turns around and excuses it. I'm starting to think that a person like me, is just too soft for someone with his particular problems because I always end up giving in and letting him get away with his excuses. He's always able to act out aggressively, and cause me to back down.
     
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  7. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    Even if he's angry or out of town or frustrated or lonely, or even if he's all those things at once, it's still his choice to do what he does. He's just trying to avoid being responsible for his actions. It is not your fault no matter what crap he uses as an excuse. He isn't ready to give up the addiction yet, but he wants to blame you.
    He knows there is no (valid) excuse for his behavior, but when he's in 'addict thinking,' that doesn't matter. He acts aggressively, blames you, tries to rationalize his behavior, and anything else he feels necessary to continue feeding the addiction while avoiding being accountable. He does whatever works.

    I know it's hard to keep your head on straight when they're determined to dump it all on you. I understand this so well. But, you have to stay strong for yourself, and when he's making every lame excuse in the world for why he's doing whatever he's doing, kindly remind him that you are not the one making his choices for him...he is.

    I know that's easier said than done, but he's going to keep blaming you for everything as long as he can get away with it. I'm sorry you're hurting. Hugs.

     
  8. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    Watching porn is bad..especially in a relationship but guys are guys..done just do this because..

    But run and tug? That’s absolutely cheating..I would stop the relationship with him..no excuse..

    Having some emotional affair is more understandable( not good though) then this.

    This is cheating for no reason except pure selfish hedonism.
     
    Eleanor likes this.
  9. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    Thank you. I really appreciate that it's exhausting being strong. But we all have to keep fighting, don't we?
     
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  10. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    He claims that he came to his senses and didn't follow through. But he has no.way to prove that he didn't, and I have no way to prove that he did. I told him that I am just going to stick with what I know, which is that he sent the email, and the second he did that, he actively took steps to seek sexual satisfaction outside of the relationship. We're in couples counselling right now bit I haven't made up my mind aboit whether to stay or go yet.
     
  11. hope4healing

    hope4healing Fapstronaut

    It is exhausting to be strong. But, it's also exhausting to be the dumping ground for blame and always feeling like you have to dig your way back out, especially when it's his crap that keeps getting dumped on you. It really is so unfair.

    Here we are, fighting so hard, not for ourselves but for our marriage/relationship, and every battle we lose is at the hands of the one person who's supposed to be on our team. Yet, as you say, we keep fighting...
     
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  12. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    Do you have kids together?
     
  13. Eleanor

    Eleanor Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    As a literotica addict I know it's hard to leave behind behaviours that damage us and others, and yes, whenever I relapse hard I get mood swings, I can't sleep, I get acne, my body aches. It seems like all my body conspires to make me go back to addiction...

    But as a woman I know how much it hurts to be cheated, how much it hurts to be blamed, how much it hurts to be betrayed, how much it hurts to not being enough...

    And when I balance both, I think you should leave... Maybe he never recovers while you're around, because he has a support, a pillow to land on everytime he fails. Some of the bigger determination that I've found to stand back up, dust off and try again was when I hit rock bottom. So maybe making your bags and living your life away from him will be better for you both. I hope you find the best solution to your problem, and remember to love yourself too.
     
  14. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    I agree.

    The answers are usually on joy but we don’t want to see them.

    Obvious answer leave the relationship.

    It’s obvious he doesn’t care about her, at least not in a way she deserves.

    It’s obvious this wasn’t the first time and sure won’t be the last.

    But that’s a hard pill to swallow.

    So we make excuses.

    Question is, if you could have any guy in the world, would this be your pick?
     
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  15. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    We don't have any kids together which makes me question even more, why stay?
     
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  16. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    I just wish he care, you know? He's always telling me that I'm the only one who has a problem with the things he does. He never has a problem with anything I do. But maybe that's because he doesn't care enough to have a problem or maybe it's because I work harder to make sure that he feels secure and loved, which also indicates that I just care more. Why am I wasting my efforts and love on someone who just can't care enough to reciprocate?
     
  17. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    Yes why?
     
  18. gymismylife

    gymismylife Fapstronaut

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    "Love" lol. I just feel not ready to give up. I love this man despite his addiction. He has so many redeeming qualities that are hard to find in a person. Plus it seems like such a waste to just throw away all that's been invested
     
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  19. SpringWater

    SpringWater Fapstronaut

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    There are lots of people with as much are better qualities..that’s just scarcity talking to you..ignore that.

    He doesn’t love you like you want or deserve to be.

    Why waste years

    I don’t know how old you are

    But don’t waste Years

    Why do we alwAys settle for mediocrity

    Why do we like to be sh&t on and just take it again and again

    Now is the time

    What is better is out there waiting for you

    You just have to let go and then you will be free to grab on

    Ok I’m out of metaphors

    I know your pain

    Been there done that

    Im harsh because too many aren’t

    Just don’t waste your life
     
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  20. Eleanor

    Eleanor Moderator Assistant Staff Member Moderator Assistant

    Read the book Women that love too much, from Robin Norwood. Women that love too much become addicts of a person, they give everything and receive almost nothing, and they are common couples of addicts: alcoholics, drug addicts, work addicts, etc. I'm a woman that loves too much, and I encourage you to read it to see if you fit in the pattern, and being conscious about it is a very good first step. Building up healthy relationships upon that is hard and i haven't got there, but at least I don't get involved in hurting relationships anymore.

    Ps. You are not guilty, never forget it, no matter how many times he says you are.
     
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