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Solving Loneliness

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by LOSEmyselftoSAVEmyself, Jul 23, 2021.

  1. You are right on the money. As soon as I realized that she was actually enjoying my company, some sort of unconscious script took hold and while I got to make out with her for a few minutes that's all I got because that script made her the most important thing in the world to me instead of just another girl. The trauma did motivate my break from porn. I can now look back and see the same pattern playing out one way or another with every woman who has ever meant anything to me. This most recent experience with this girl is just the latest face on the fractal.

    I think you are right, a proper mindset is not enough. A better self image is necessary to make real change. I am not at all sure how to change my self-image though. I can change my habits, but what I see in my minds eye when I think about myself is incongruent with what I want. I suppose that means I either change what I want of I change how I see myself. While I would like to change how I see myself that sort of just leads me back to square one. How is that done? I'll meditate on that question, but I'd appreciate any insights you have to offer.
     
  2. I appreciate your input. If what you say is true then it is only a matter of time until I start seeing the results that I want. Having been laid by several different women (8, not that I am counting) over the years and having been in a couple of long term relationships, one in which I nearly got married (we were talking about it seriously) I sort of thought I had everything I needed to know figured out. But at the end of that date I realized how desperate I am (was, can be?) for physical affection. How clueless I am (can be?) with regards to the nature of female desire. How much I felt like I needed her despite the fact that I don't even know her. This incredible volatility of emotions arose in relationship to someone I didn't even know. And the fact that I am still obsessing over it four months after the fact isn't a good sign. I keep telling myself that it isn't her that I want, it's knowing how to handle all the desires and feelings that arose in relationship to her that I want. Having a handle on those desires and feelings is what I want. I honestly don't know what I am talking about all this for, but like I said I appreciate your input.
     
  3. vibemaker

    vibemaker Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    One very powerful way to change that, is, to go back in your memory and scan for positive experiences you made in the past. Note them all down (with a pencil or pen - that's important, as your imagination or subconscious take on better handwritten words, then typing on the computer f.e.) ... It may be only a few things that will come to your mind at first, but as you note them down, and start to think about this more during the day, other things, other positive experiences come to the surface; you started shifting your focus from negative to positive.

    Take about 10-20 minutes a day, close your eyes, allow yourself to relax and re-experience these positive past experiences very vividly. As you get into it, you can go to the future and imagine results you wish to achieve with the same emotions.

    If you continue to do this, your self-image will drastically change, and you'll see how you start to act very differently.

    There's a marvelous book on this called Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz.
     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  4. I'll give that a shot and look up Maxwell Maltz, thank you.
     
    vibemaker likes this.

  5. I was watching a You Tube video from that Indian guru guy, and he said words to the effect of:

    when you experience euphoria with someone, you become bound to them.

    I can't speak for anyone else, but that has been true for me.
    Tied to someone in many cases that I didn't even like, yet
    I went back to them just to relive that pleasure.
    Then I started to believe that all I really wanted from women was the sex.
    All of the love, romance, candle lit dinners, the carriage rides, it was all
    just a way to justify what I wanted.

    That was a revelation I didn't want, but I needed it.
    And that fact bore out to me even more, because I realized that I don't do romantic stuff, except when trying to get with a girl.
    If the romance had no utility for me, what kind of person was I becoming to chase
    sex?
    If this person was not me, then if I'd shed my identity, what else would I part with
    when that was not enough?

    But the strange thing is that when I have spent time developing myself,
    suffering to improve my life and my health,
    and letting women know or believe that I was not going to give them
    anything valuable for love, that is when I am in a good spot.
    Because if a woman comes to the table, I have bargaining power.

    And if she doesn't, then I have learned to still enjoy my life, and be myself.
    What most men don't understand is that love, sex and/or romance don't really make life better.
    The woman only wants a guy who doesn't need her.
    But he doesn't need her because she's a liability.

    That was what puzzled me when I was younger. If I met a guy in his 30s or 40s, I used to think, you have money, you could get any chick you wanted.
    Yet, you sit here and hang with dudes?
    But now I totally get it because when the sex and woman come out of the equation,
    a guy can just relax, live life, and not be chasing, impressing, thinking, watching, hunting.
    That has taken a lot of the dread and fear from being in the friend zone.

    Just some ideas. And, I took the spaces out...
     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  6. I appreciate your thoughts, these two paragraphs in particular. It is like I have known this was true my entire life, but failed to embody this truth in the way I live. My failure with the latest girl was so abrupt and spectacular that I finally got it into my head how true what you just said really is. All the "nice" things I have done for woman over the years amount to little more than bribes. I really only did things right with one, and then only part way, and on accident. And when she left me (I told her about my porn habit which forced her to see me without the rose color glasses) that's when I really started to do things wrong. I doubled down on all the wrong things, all the "niceness" instead of just moving on with my life and replicating my success with another woman. To watch the same pattern play out with someone completely new put a bright spotlight on my actions as the common denominator. I couldn't really stop myself from behaving like a needy little bitch of a man, but I saw myself do it and I saw how much damage my default "nice guy" attitude causes. It isn't nice at all, its hidden anger, frustration, and resentment.

    I think I resisted absorbing this message for so long because I didn't have an alternative. What am I supposed to do, be mean? No, not that either. Quit acting like women are anything other than the cherry on top of your sundae and get the fuck on with your life. That's the answer. And don't get me wrong, I love that fucking cherry and could romance one for hours on end, but when all is said and done, I am still the one with the nuts, the cream, and everything else that makes a sundae great (risque pun intended). I get it now! I really do! From here on out it is application of this knowledge, not discovery.

    Thanks for your post!
     
  7. I agree it all comes down to the unconscious, how we think and feel about ourselves on a deep level. The good news is that even if one has negative views of oneself, they can be changed.

    I listen to this with earbuds in while I sleep. It contains subliminal affirmation messages. The weird and wonderful part of this is how different things become when I interact with people afterward. 100% difference in my attitude, and I'm not expending any effort to make it happen. I just do it.

     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  8. I’ll give it a go.
     
    RobbyGo36 likes this.
  9. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    the problem is that I was living alone and love being on my own. I love being alone. I did that for years.
    declined invitations from people because they drink alcohol and I do not , and they were toxic.
    that was back when we worked in the office.
    then the lockdowns happened. And I just got 1 close friend and thats it. she is my ex, we became friends after years.
    so anyway, she has her bf now so we can meet only once in a while besides that doesnt fulfil all my needs for human interaction.
    I want someone new, I want physical contact. we are working from home now. and I live in a shitty damp rainy part of Europe, no savings,
    not really possible to move. endless lockdowns. people from work seemingly arent that responsive (I got another job now) looks like they got their
    own social circles. I ditched mine because people were unhealthy and now I cant find anyone else... heck, for 11 years I havent found any good friends!!!
    I started thinking its me, but thats not true.

    so just accepting and being ok being alone doesnt solve this.
    every time I go out to the city it feels dead to me, and im too old to just reach out to the people in the streets without looking like a creep.
    due to PMO I lost my 20s... Im almost 38 now. I still look rather young but then so what... its tough.
    its very tough.
     
  10. Anytime! I think you are going to succeed, with life, money and/or women.
    The reason why is I see you owning these problems. You used "I" the whole time.
    That is so powerful, to take responsibility.
    It's uncommon these days. The kids stare into smart phones, thinking the answer is
    out there. No it isn't.

    I can't analyze how accurate you are in the assessment of your past.
    But if it makes you feel any better, every guy feels like he's made mistakes with women.
    The old timers at the bar, long married feel like they should have played the field when younger.
    The middle aged rich guys play the field too much, thinking that every woman is a slot machine. They pull the handle with incredible futility and delusion.
    The young guys don't know anything other than how bad they want sex. They run across the quicksand, shouting, I'll make it this time!
    Who winds up being the winners? My own parents divorced after 35 years! My Mom became super religious and my Dad became a gambling addict. She went to the mega-church and sang in the choir, whilst he moved to Vegas. True story.

    And me, I loved the one who played me,
    married the one who I didn't love,
    dated the ones who were always on the fence
    and chased the ones who didn't like me at all...

    Naturally, I'm a musician...
     
  11. The problem with the friend zone is that usually a guy is hoping for more, but
    a woman never changes her mind about that.

    So I suggest not being her emotional support or buddy. Because one way or another,
    it winds up being a liability. Let her go.

    Then I'd probably try to be on my own for the rest of this reboot. Adjust to it,
    do some introspection, journalling.

    Because I suggest taking your temperature on your loneliness, which can't happen if you have hopes in her. She's going to stab you over and over.

    And if you hate being alone, that is the best place for you, as my initial post in the thread said. Because if you feel lonely, you have a self-esteem problem. That is not a good time to go look for a woman.

    Haha! Europeans. Marginal on all of the English language except the profanity...

    JK

    The reason that you think being ok alone doesn't solve it is because you aren't ok being alone yet. You need to pull back and stop trying to get people. If you feel like you are a creep to try to meet people, then you are. That is a self-esteem problem. People don't want to be friends when you are like that. If you do what I said in the post, you will start to figure it out.

    I'm telling you, it's not about "accepting" being alone. It's actually being alone until you figure out who you are, working on your life goals, and developing as a man
    is what changes it. If just accepting being alone was good enough, you could chant mantras, buy junk at the mall, a new car, and listen to Tony Robbins.

    The fact is that nobody accepts it. They can't accept it because there is pain and
    suffering by themselves. But being around other people doesn't solve it because they are too needy and clingy if they can't be alone.

    I'd like you to consider re-reading that post until you understand it, then implement what it says so that you can start healing.
     
  12. Reading this gave me the feels. You've lived a life. I am grateful that you've shared it with me.
     
    YellowBlob64 likes this.
  13. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    I think I did not worded that well but your answer made me realize that ;)
    What I was trying to say is that 5-6 years ago I was living with a flatmate female friend, and I just wanted to get out, to live on my own.
    I loved being alone, always, and had only short bursts of it because I was always living with a female gf when I was in my 20s (BIG BIG mistake!)
    They all betrayed me, and I got very bitter of females. So PMO took over.

    Anyways, When I moved out I lived alone for 5 years no problemo. I liked it. But then the covid hit and everything changed. With going to work halted for more than 1.5 year now, and living in this almost dead city right now, it feels like I need to be really creative to have any contact with people. I have only one friend here. I dont blame myself from cutting the ties from the toxic ones, but where are the new ones? You see, so its not I am not ok with being alone YET. I was *already* very ok with being alone. But I just STOPPED being ok with it.

    If I pull back and stop trying to get people... nothing will happen. Nobody will invite me. Because who? I dont know nobody I have no social circle. Its like dead end when youre 70yo. Only that I am not that old. I think living in this country is half of the problem, mostly rain, no sun, very sh.ty city and people dont really socialize outside that often.

    And if they do, they do it in their own small groups. I tried to organize some hiking trip from my work but barely anyone showed up. One person I dont share my world view, and one other person already in relationship.

    I get what youre saying bro, I really do. My point is that I am working on myself for the last 5-6 years! I quit all addictions. live healthy. exercise. care about myself. Im in perfect shape. Im in my fekin prime time! and what I do? waste my time on this damp place here. I think for me a possible solution would be a change of scene, to get rid of boredom and inject something new for the brain and the heart. I really dont want to start going to pubs to get drunk again, because I dont drink anymore and I dont want to meet people this way.

    Its just too small city here, not much to do. Last winter we got 8 months without sun. Only wind and rain. It was really depressing.

    And I've made no mistakes on that path toward self-healing and recovery. I am really proud of my achievements.
    Still, that means nothing for modern girls.

    Im already too old for girls in their 20s. I dont know how to meet them without feeling like a creep. And I dont have a car or something. I just rent a flat. (which is still viewed as an achievement in where I live, thats how bad quality of life is here).

    I wasted like 10 years on PMO. I should already have a house a car and so on.
    So now I will be what, chasing what I did not experienced in my 20s and early 30s, that is, dating and healthier sex? Makes no sense.

    When I will be 50... I will be chasing my 40s... that I lost on chasing my 30s ;) its mad I tell you.

    Older girls are so privileged and well.. used... and I feel women have it much better these days. They can still date play the field and at the end, still get a beta boyfriend... in their mid 20s, earli 30s... and then still ''go out with female friends'' and sleep with some alphas and their bf's wont even know. Its completely unfair. But for a man to live this life, its a lonely life. But I better be lonely than betrayed or lied to and manipulated.
     
  14. Dude, I cannot express to you how much I have lived like this.
    I have read your whole post.

    But here's the part that I think is your liability in making progress.

    Read these quotes from your post:

    There's some resentment or animosity buried in there. That is what makes it
    a crutch, because it's too subtle to see or comprehend.

    The reason you feel that resentment about the past is you are unhappy about
    where you are right now.

    But that is your responsibility to find success. The world won't hand it to you.

    And if you dwell on the past, it just gets worse.

    That's the point: loneliness is there for you to succeed, but through your job, your career, your investments, your skills, your creativity, your passions, your personality.

    Loneliness is not there to be fixed by other people.

    The rest of these quotes only reinforce that you did not understand yet.

    Keep reading.

    I - need - people
    I - have - no friends
    Where are - new friends?
    I am - not ok - being alone

    These problems have nothing to do with other people, your current love life,
    the number of friends you have, or your past.

    I know this does not make sense. You have to trust me.

    nobody will invite me
    nothing will happen
    I don't know anybody
    I have no social circle

    That is because you are not where you are supposed to be on your
    path to success.

    It's got nothing to do with you, because obviously you are a smart guy.

    This country, you write, is the problem?


    Nobody showed up because you were supposed to be working on you, not chasing people.

    It's a spiritual process. And it's hard to understand, and harder to do.

    But where you are socially right now is a massive gift and a blessing.

    What do you do with such a blessing?

    It's the same thing Reggie Wayne did when Peyton Manning threw him the ball.
    He ran like his life depended on it towards the end zone.

    You have caught the ball, because you have brains and opportunity.
    This opportunity is a lack of social baggage.

    Now run.

    The city sucks, nothing to do, need a change of scene.

    Everybody and everything is keeping you from the life you want?

    No dude. Inspiration is from within.

    Bloom where you are planted. This thing you are supposed to accomplish,
    how much time did you work on it today?


    Because the day you open up your can of amazing through this skill you have,

    you are going to think it's summer all freaking year!


    Dude, impressing women is a non-starter. Anybody can get a chick. All they have
    to do is keep trying.

    That isn't what you are supposed to be doing right now, is it?



    Well, you aren't a creep for wanting a younger girl. Does the world's opinion matter about your love life? Over 18 is legal. So you aren't a creep.

    See you own a flat, and that didn't help you.

    You aren't in phase with your goals right now.

    This loneliness is just temporary. You need to build that momentum for your skill or value that the world does not have.

    What it is, I can't say.

    But it's my opinion that God puts me and you, and people like you in the time out
    area until they decide to make the kind of changes
    that make them a winner, part of the 1%, part of the elite.

    And since you were destined for that, you will never be happy until you reach it.

    So you can mire in the slog all you want, but God isn't going to let you out.

    You have to make the decision on your own, and put in the effort.

    Then one day, after a lot of grinding, you are going to win.

    God put me here to explain this to you so you'd get on the stick.
     
  15. I love to help! Just call me Dr. Inspiration. Wait, I didn't earn that.

    Major Inspiration? Nah I wasn't an officer. Hold on, I wasn't even in the military...

    Or just LoseMyself works too...
     
  16. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    No , no you dont get it bro. I appreciate the time and effort.
    but you must understand this: I am already ready to be social and all that.
    I was alone/not lonely/ living for several years. I was perfectly fine with that. It wasnt forced.
    Lockdown changed everything. This country changed.

    I would not be organising hiking trips with people from work (in my previous job I was the introverted-one!) if I wasn't ready!
    In this job I am much more social and extrovert.

    I already did the job, you see. I am already at the destination.
    And I am exactly doing the balanced way- not CHASING people around because thats weird.
    I can just extend my invitation. And I dont blame ppl, they got their own lives or 10000 other reasons. Its just how it is in this city.
    And no, it doesnt work like that. You can't tell yourself ''oh its summer'' when you have constant rain and wind and everybody is sitting in their homes.

    I have side projects apart from my job. They are keeping me sane.

    And I dont disagree, I have remaining resentment towards females because they deserve it. They are far too privileged. Just few days ago a girl who's easily 1-2 points below me in SMV scale flaked, and then tried to manipulate me into continuing to accept her lack of respect.

    Other girl ''forgotten'' we had a scheduled meeting.

    Just to name a few. Its ridiculous. Nobody ever cut me a slack on anything, I am living on my own since I was 21yo!
    I left my homeland long time ago. I am not a weak person if you look at it from this POV. I've beat many addictions, I meditate and do yoga since 9 years. Weightlifting, cycling, running. I'm the catch.

    I'm doing nothing BUT grinding since last 6-7 years thats WHY I was refusing to go drunk with others from toxic job: I was working on myself, mastering myself. Then I got better job.
    But then covid hit, and it made me realize this city is dead. I suddenly felt old. Means to socialize with others become unachievable. No more meeting in person, not going to the office. City centre is dead. Dating apps? dont get me started on them... and girls offer horrible quality. Better ones already taken and I wouldnt trust their monogamy either.
    Social media screwed a lot for us.
     
    Buddhism Is True likes this.
  17. It's no problem.

    Then, why are you here?
     
  18. BigBallOfFire

    BigBallOfFire Fapstronaut

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    in this topic? haha

    I felt its important I say whats in my heart :)
     
  19. FML this hit way to close to home. I am legitimately concerned that I am going to be alone forever. That I've had my last lay. That I will not ever find a woman that I want who I can start a family with. Call it scarcity mindset or call it cold hard facts because I don't know which one of those it is.
     
  20. Then what is your life's mission?

    What is the thing that you should be remembered by 50
    years after you are dead?

    If you haven't identified that, then your mission is to figure that out.

    If you have, it's time to chip away at it.
     

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