Some day...

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by @->Hazel<[email protected], Aug 13, 2019.

  1. Thoughts about life...

    I figured I was done here. Figured I didn't need to come and spend time writing my days out. I was wrong. Don't get me wrong, I don't have to, I want to. Venting is good, showing others the truth, the dark side of the story, the....life inside the castle...that's good, too.

    I chose Fiona as my new avatar. I love her for a lot of reasons. She's a princess, she's an ogre, and she had a pretty shitty upbringing. We all know mine, I won't go back into that. She has a King who wants to marry her for all the wrong reasons, for his own benefit. She has a donkey, who's so friggen cool. She has an ogre who turns out to be her prince charming. Only after he realizes that he needs to change. And she realizes that she does. Pretty ironic, eh?

    Mourde and I are not doing well on a relationship level. I think we all can agree to that. I left because he chose to move his thread over my own journal and him being butthurt. He chose to move it out of the relationship group and I believe (still do, contrary to whatever he says to everyone else and me), that it was twofold. He decided it was over between us, and he wanted his thread hidden from public eyes.

    His choice. So leaving here was mine. I don't, like I said, need to be here. Some people seem to think that I need therapy and 12 step programs. I do that, have been, on it, working it, along with everything else I do. I'm not 'hypervigilant', I'm not 'controlling', I'm NOT codependent. And yet somehow I'm being seen this way. Over what ONE person decides to share with others, I am judged. WTF?

    I don't need Mourde. That's the thing, here. I don't need his money, I don't need his approval, I don't need his compliments, I don't need anyone to validate me, to support me, or to lean on. See, here's the thing, real important statement I'm going to toss out to the world right now: I don't need something or someone that was never a part of my life to begin with. I don't check his phone, I don't have accountability shit on it, I don't track him down. He's free to do whatever he wants. I just hold him accountable when he messes up these days. I have the right to do that. Doesn't make me a bad person or a codependent, doesn't make me controlling or the bad guy. I don't find myself triggered for no reason.

    Let me backtrack a little here and kind of set the record straight for those that missed reading my side of this fairytale here: originally I told Mourde he had to get therapy. He emailed a therapist saying he needed help with his addiction. He left no phone number, he never physically called them. That's all he did. An email. I let that go. He has NO accountability partner(s) that he speaks to on a daily basis. He reaches out to one individual when shit hits the fan, that's all. He does not bother to work on educating himself on his addiction daily. He does not bother to journal emotions or complete facts.

    I'll stop a moment and say this: IF he journaled complete facts, his emotions would come out. His 'checklist' of what his day was like, his routine, that's not emotions. That's not the entire story. That's not helpful to him. He's hiding very important pieces of his puzzle in shame. That is not healing.

    So, I'll catch the world up since I've been gone on my side now. Because maybe that will put things in to a bit more of a perspective. Maybe it will shed a new light on an addict that yes, has not looked at porn in almost half a year. But that addict has, in fact, evolved and pats himself on the back for no porn, but uses real women (always was his problem anyway), and myself, instead. That is NOT recovering. Hate to break it to you all, but, yea uh...just because you don't look at porn and wank one off, if you still have to objectify, visualize and don't have an emotional bond with your SO, you haven't recovered in shit. Flat out, no way, I won't accept that for anything as an excuse.

    Soooo, for what now, a month and a half roughly? We've been together a handful of times physically. I've watched this man that I love and have done EVERYTHING to help support and truly want to see recover fully just...flatline then regress. Yes, we've had a shitton of drama and emotional nonsense over his father's suicide and a note blaming my husband. Yes, we've had a shitton more drama over a house that I finally had to put my foot down on and tell the lawyer it's going to get sold one way or another, make it happen or I will. Yes, we've had a shitton of other things going on day to day.

    While he's busy NOT working on his recovery (it's a real shame I know more about him than he does), I'm doing all the shit in house again for the most part. I'm literally falling apart with a hurt ankle, running all over the place, football boosters stuff, bookkeeping, blah blah blah. (note here: I'm quite content when I'm out in public and talking to others and enjoying life now. I'm okay with Mourde not being there. Another sign of not being codependent.) I'm busy having emotional breakdowns in between all this because I am overwhelmed, but I keep plugging along. Because I'm a strong ogre like that.

    The handful of times went like this:
    From behind, in the dark, no words, no foreplay other than what HE wanted, him wanking on his weener some during what HE wanted in foreplay, then wham bam thank ya ma'am. No gentle touches. No I love yous. No compliments before or after. No nothing. All were spawned by his fake promises of massages with no strings attached. This last time, that was the real kicker for me.

    We had gone to Sam's Club to pick up a lot. I was THRILLED to be out of the house and away from a football field. I was not anxious, I was not triggered, I WANTED. TO. GET. IN. PUBLIC. TO. A. NEW. PLACE.

    I wasn't worried about Mourde and thinking ahead.

    HE decided to find his sights set on a woman coming his way. HE decided to continue to stare at her until she finally was passing us and he's STILL staring at her and I finally blurt out 'want her number?'. This, naturally, caused this middle aged woman that really wouldn't have attracted him typically (she wasn't his usual psub, this one the only thing that I can figure was long hair and big boobs-which aren't usually his thing)...well this woman follows us the entire way around the store after that comment I made.

    I wish he would have got it and headed out da door. It wouldn't have hurt my feelings much at this point.

    Now I had been kind enough to put my ring back on my finger. And that evening I'm hearing how he'd like to spend time with his wife. How he'd like to see me relax. How he'd like to offer a massage and maybe if it led to something that would be nice, because he has 'blue balls'. -insert the twitching eyeball I have right now here-

    I felt like someone else's wife who I read about here and truthfully I feel so bad for this woman...lord have mercy. Who's husband like bluntly after hurting her for so many years has the brass nuts to work out a fucking spreadsheet of reasons why he should and must have sex with her whether she likes it or not, it's her duty...or else. This guy even takes it a step further on his 'spreadsheet' and has tabs like 'if she doesn't according to my personal study and knowledge of my own body's needs', 'if she does but doesn't quite get me off enough to my liking', 'if she doesn't want to at all', 'possible alternatives', and a 'if she lays there I'll make the most of it but then complain it's her fault'.

    So, I'm getting this massage, this is...the 3rd one now in about a month and a half where he's used me with massage tactics to manipulate sex. And the next thing I know as I'm half asleep...he's taking my shorts off. I'm literally exhausted and he's just...assuming he earned that shit. Okay....let's see what happens here. He starts his thing and I'm literally laying there, not making a sound, like...I'm not into this at all, and he's STILL having at it. I got to the point I started like, trying to get the show over with because I want to sleep, which he took as I wanted to do this. And he's just...this time wasn't his usual.

    You know when guys start to recover and after awhile and sensation comes back they O really quick? That didn't happen. He kept going and going and going. (HMMMMMMM???!!!) Finally I look over my shoulder and said to him: this is hurting me, just finish it up already.

    Now most people with some empathy, emotional attachment to another human being, and if they loved them, would have stopped well before this point if that individual was obviously NOT in the mood. They would have sensed something was wrong. This wasn't right. They were basically screwing what was a dead body before them. MOST people when told that it was hurting and to get it over with, would have stopped because they were causing pain.

    Not Mourde. Nope. He said 'okay', and kept going.

    It's 3 days later. And I'm still bleeding.

    Details, my fellow readers. DETAILS, FACTS....THOSE small things are vital. Because THAT DETAIL of what he DID causes other reactions. Those details don't get him a pat on the fucking back for causing my body HARM. For being so selfish he didn't CARE about ME as a person. Those details don't hype him up that he's doing SO WELL...because HE IS NOT DOING WELL.

    I threw my ring away and his because he got butthurt I took mine off again.

    He is no husband. He does not care about ME as a human being let alone a wife. He took his off and tossed it. I WAS a wife to him. I WAS a partner. I HAD his back. And he stabbed me figuratively in it for the last time.

    I don't trust him as far as being physical goes now. At all. I have been raped by my ex-husband. I have been beaten. I have been used and abused and of all the people in this world to do it to me, I NEVER ever ever thought that Mourde would have done this to me. I never thought that even though he never ever never cared about who I was as a human being, that he would have gone this far. I have been raped by my uncle. I have been used by every single person in my life besides my kids and a handful of adults. And Mourde...doesn't make that list of those that have not hurt me.

    Yet, here I am. Wasting precious time that I could be and want to be doing something else for myself, something to get the housework done so I can go to bed before midnight or 1 am when I need to be up at 6 am. Here I am. Venting. Trying to reach up out of the fucking cesspool of shit I am drowning in to save myself (as always), and explain to those that know our story....that his side...isn't factual. It isn't complete. He can't have EMOTIONS or VENT when he doesn't PROCESS wtf he's DONE.

    He can't recover when he's broken every damn boundary and even the consequences don't show him the light of day. He can't recover when he has a bunch of 'buddies' telling him 'don't listen to her...you're doing GREAT', 'why are facts needed when it's all about emotions', 'she needs help for her BT, she's obviously the problem here not you, dude.'

    Bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit with a cherry on top and I hate fucking sprinkles but I'll toss some on because sprinkles taste nasty but are pretty to look at.

    I can take care of me. And I've failed myself in taking care of myself. I gave him a chance. I've supported him like no other. I've tried to do all I could to teach him and educate him on his addiction and gave him resources to get help. HE chooses not to.

    He, like SO MANY here, are just dry drunks, so to speak. That's why for far too many, recovery is temporary or partial. Mourde's is partial. Mine is complete.

    Yes, I am a recovered sex addict. But I'm no fool.

    I'm the one hurt. And by no means of my own other than my own stupidity to try to save a marriage that was based from the beginning on lies and half truths.

    Mourde is well aware of my internal suffering over all of this. And he has until this trust and estate is settled to show improvement or I am done. Period. I could go now given he's broken so many non-negotiable boundaries (respect me, no psubs, no manipulations/lies, journal daily, work on recovery daily, ect…) but with the trust and estate issues, school starting next week and a slew of other shit that leaves me no time to handle another attorney and what will be a messy divorce with emotions from the boys, I've opted to wait it out. We've been in house separated for quite some time now, and he's continued to fuck it up on any resolve.

    Hard work pays off. And that man, isn't working at all on himself let alone hard. He had hours to listen to podcasts, read, do something. Instead he played on his phone. He chose to do that rather than improve himself. His loss in the end. Because I can and will be whole, I can and will be strong, I can and will be able to fend and keep myself together and head held high. Contrary to what he has led others to believe, I'm actually at this point a better person alone than with him. I'm actually more confident when he isn't around. HE brings me down by NOT uplifting me. HE brings me sadness by NOT helping himself.

    I'll be okay. And my story, I'll keep telling, whether people want to know it or not.

    I'm going to go and get what needs done done here. Then hopefully get some time to get back to the treadmill if my ankle allows it, and play with yarn. Then hopefully have a quiet evening. And maybe, just maybe, I'll see him actually process his own emotions and face the reality of what his addiction has caused him to do.

    Don't get me wrong here. I love the man and always will. I love myself, too. Too much to continue to allow myself to be hurt emotionally and physically by someone that doesn't give a shit about me. I've always said I'm a blowup/ragdoll to him.

    That's facts. That's truth. That's reality.

    Be good to yourself and others always. Be stronger than this shit addiction and work on it every moment of every day. Be brave. And be true to who you really are.

    ~Hazel~
     
  2. Queenie%Bee

    Queenie%Bee Fapstronaut

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    Oh Fiona ♥️
    We need a strong dose of FUCKITOL lol
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2019
  3. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Wow.

    1) I am so very sorry that it's got this bad for you.
    2) Thank you so much for sharing it all. This is absolutely what a load of us need to hear. When I'm tempted, when I'm tired, burnt out, whatever. This is exactly what I need to see, the consequences of what happens if I ever go back, or if I ever give up. I know that this may not be much comfort to you, but even coming on here to vent helps someone... Thank you.
     
    Kizd4AFool and mrtumnus like this.
  4. If it helps one person to be here and share my story, that's all that matters. :)

    Don't be sorry, it is what it is. I'll be okay, I have faith in that.
     
  5. Bombadil

    Bombadil Fapstronaut

    Well you know, most of us didn't wake up one morning and think "I know! I'll become a porn addict!". It is truly a shit place to be, and it's even more shit when we drag others into it with us. I can't speak for anyone else, but I find that reading things like this really brings it home, and it's that outside perspective on where I've ended up that gives me the drive to change.
    You know what? I think you will. You sound like a formidable lady, and not easily defeated. :)
     
  6. Drama! Drama everywhere!

    Y'all know I'm the peace-loving hippie type. Flowers and butterflies, nature and water and sage and crazy positive thinking typically.

    But I do have my moments. My times when enough is enough. Balance in life is great. Unbalance in mine is catastrophic.

    Onward.

    Yesterday was going okay. Mourde and I are at least on a level of speaking without arguing. At lunch we were discussing how I felt and the fact he is so dependent on me. He always has been one that when he has no female in his life he immediately finds another. He has to. He literally cannot be alone. Hes states this himself. That isnt healthy.

    I expressed just because I don't *need* him does not mean I don't *want* him in my life. And I apologized and will here because I said he never was there for me. He has been when I hit the floor. He was the only one.

    It hurts you know? That someone I adore and see as my only friend. My best friend. A person I love unconditionally...that caused me such pain. Inside and out now. I'm mindblown at the other night...how, why...dear God why?

    He kept saying if I want him gone take his ring. He had it back on. I said that's his ring. It represented my commitment to him. It was his choice to remove. He kept trying to get me to and I said no, he can. He said I didnt love him, why didnt I love him? I said that's untrue. I do and always will. I just cant trust him or even think about being physical again. I explained he will never be in any relationship if he doesnt recover. He will become his father. He said no, there would never be another woman.

    I said...yes there will be. Because that's his history. It always repeats itself and will until he recovers if he chooses to recover. His history repeats itself.

    He said to me...yours does too.

    That fucking hurt. Not only has this man that I've given my all to hurt me with everything he's done, especially the other night, now blurts out an insult like I'm doing wrong. If I wasn't recovered I certainly wouldn't be alone in the world, I'd have regressed to my own addiction long ago.

    I choked back my emotions. The anger and hurt and betrayal and the utter hopeless feeling in the pit of my chest and yea...my eyes leaked awhile but...I held tight to that hurt and still do today.

    I wanted an early bedtime. I tried damn hard to. When I get a message from a cousin of his that this suicide note is now being shared via messages. We've not seen it. We knew it but not seen it.

    His family besides the sisters and niece are livid at them for lying and hurting Mourde. And here they are causing more drama. And pain. And I'm sent this picture of the note and trying to keep up in texts to the cousin (i was in what was supposed to be a relaxing bath) and Mourde is reading the conversation and before I could stop him he sees this picture of the note.

    Ugh.

    My nature of protecting him when he is hurt flipped in overdrive. Hes crying. I'm now the bull of a protector God put me on this land to be, and I snap into high gear speaking until 3 am to the family about the drama that his siblings and niece will absolutely not let go of.

    I. Am. Exhausted. Today.

    That man may have hurt me but I will not allow his innocence in this situation be jaded by assholes. I will not allow them to cause him more emotional harm. Maybe I'm nuts but...I have his back. I actually stepped in front of the big guy to have his front and let the fam know to tell those fuckers they gotta get thru me now to even get near him.

    I'll fight their evil ways until I'm unable to anymore.

    All for a guy that can't...won't....help himself.

    In thinking clouded here right now...how the hell can ge help himself when he has this over his head and heart? How can he focus on us when he's processing what shouldn't even need processed?

    I told him...it's a note. That assholes want to "break him down over. Make him suffer". (Their words to be exact).

    Suffer? No more. Break him down? Close. His suffering will end and I'll take that burden on myself.

    This doesn't forgive what he's done and said to me. It doesn't take away that pain and absolute heartache. It doesn't change how I feel inside.

    I need a vacation for real. And a nap.

    All things happen for a reason. Good and bad. I just dont know or understand what those reasons are yet. Until I do...I dont know. I'll get by I guess. I have no choice.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2019
  7. Eating those things like tic tacs. Fast and the whole container lol
     
  8. I know...none of us want to be where we are in any addiction and don't wish it on ourselves. Lol you made me chuckle here, thank you.

    I know when I was at that level it sucked so bad trying to live different lives and hide what I was doing and the lying and manipulating and blaming everyone and every thing.

    I'm kind of jealous because I didn't get to really see the damage I caused to help me stop. I literally had a nervous breakdown over that lifestyle and Mourde doing even worse than I was (I was an online RPG kind of gal back in my hayday), my own ACOA issues and a slew of other things.

    I don't wish that on anyone.

    And I know Mourde has a lot of work to do and a ton of emotions and I'm trying really hard to be fair because I KNOW the struggle of beating this crap without all of the other things hovering around. I know it's hard. It's frustrating and seemingly endless to get to a recovered stage and even then sometimes I find myself so stressed I play the "what if" game in my own head.

    Then I see the people here. I see my kids. And I realize there are no "what ifs". It's a horrible internal battle sometimes. And it's been a long time I've been clean.

    I pray for everyone here on both sides every night. And find myself realizing I don't pray for me. I need to start to do that.

    I'm personally a pretty easy going woman but yea...I don't like to go down without a fight when the times come lol.
     
    Bombadil likes this.
  9. Faceplanter

    Faceplanter Fapstronaut

    Glad to see you are back.

    I'm also glad that Mourde moved his journal over to the 40+ section, personally. It's more active than here but a different group of course.

    The advice you disparaged earlier of course isn't unique to that section, I've see it here too. Obviously, the communication wasn't there for the move.

    I'm sorry to hear about the pain from sex and the lack of empathy for that....sort of had my own moment like that, my lacking empathy for emotional stress rather than physical.

    I'm glad to hear you clarified you wanted Mourde in your life even when you don't feel you need him. I'm sure that helped.

    I pray that your family's drama with your father in law is over sooner than later. I think that it is having a greater effect than you or Mourde realize, sort of like the PA minimizes the effects of addiction until they can look back on their actions from a distance.

    I wish for both of you to love each other and give each other grace. It's one hell of a struggle and we all start fighting this too late.
     
  10. Thank you so much...one day at a time for each of us for sure. :)
     
  11. The Dragon

    That big beast that breathes fire and stomps around the room. Munching down victims as little snacks. Only the bravest and most determined warrior defeats it.

    Or tames it.

    Went to bed last night and within 2 hours am woken to Mourde talking full blown out loud: "sexy legs, bitch". And he was touching himself.

    I snapped up and yanked the blankets off and he woke up in a startle and I was furious.

    Four days ago the event with me. Now this. Seriously...the dragon woke.

    The dragon woke the entire castle. Until the dragon collapsed in a heap of despair and hurt and rage and exhaustion.

    Up shortly after running boys to football, getting my own coffee and stewing on this, the phone stayed pretty quiet.

    I wasn't used to that. Mourde had a long meeting and I got things done in house. Dinner prepped, cleaned, laundry, work, pets dealt with. I felt empty. How...why...what spawned him to do this...bleh.

    He asked for the doctor's number to ask for a therapist referral. He knew the time had come for outside help.

    He has some to call if he chooses and work on himself. I pray he does.

    He spoke to the lawyer who is finally putting his foot down on the siblings and niece. Things are looking up some. (Pray they accept a deal we offered to get them out of our lives please and thank you.)

    The note? Was forwarded to our deaf daughter. The suicide survivor from being bullied and her speech impediment. The hero I look up to. Our child who we almost lost. Those motherfuckers sent her the suicide note blaming Mourde for her grandpa's suicide.

    They said they wanted to "make Mourde suffer. Break him". They dont even want to understand Mourde had nothing to do with this death. He was blamed by an addict of a father that felt Mourde did him an injustice because he was forced to retire. It wasnt Mourde's fault. Their bitterness and greed have absolutely taken over their souls and now they tried....in vain...to break our daughter down.

    Shes a survivor. An advocate. She is THE strongest soul I know. And she is pissed that they tried to hurt her daddy. She will show them they won't bring our family down...by simply being happy and successful.

    Our son came home from football angry and hurt emotionally. The coach was in a sour mood and rode him hard today and tossed insults our boy didn't want to hear. Truth hurts, son. Man up and show that coach you are better than his words. Be a hero, too.

    The dragon is tired. And the dragon sees that Mourde is more tired. He's hanging on by threads, and he finally stated: this addiction is beyond his own fixing. He needs help.

    I had to step back and think. My eye was twitching all day. Migraine. But I HAD to think.

    He was doing great. Yea he'd slip a little but...we were happy. Wtf happened?!

    This suicide. Even before that when they were following his father because he wasn't at work but collecting paychecks. Mourde covering and risking his own job for his dad. Mourde watching his dad go down fast. Us getting him taken away to be evaluated but he was let go. 6 weeks later we are burying the man because his siblings didn't listen. They didn't care.

    That's the catalyst. That's my answer.

    Doesn't make what happened in house acceptable or right. Doesn't change the pain 4 days ago I still endure. Doesn't change last night.

    It changes the perspective as to why what's going on is going on.

    It changes how I view Mourde. I've been seeing him as uncaring, unnuturing, selfish and greedy with his own self.

    How can he share himself when he doesn't even know what is going on. How can he be a partner in totality when he's fighting against himself. How can he be free to love...when he doesn't love himself due to all this nonsense.

    I asked him if he loves me. And he said yes. I believe that.

    Does he love just me? He says yes. I dont entirely believe that. Not when I've been objectified twice in 4 days (he insists that he was speaking about me last night and those weren't exactly loving words there).

    Can he just love me? No. Not at this time. I know that. Accept it? With heartache yea...I accept it.

    He still sees sex as love. And that's not real. And objectified sex isn't love for sure.

    Someday maybe the dragon will be tamed and the princess free to skip in those fields of flowers. But not right now.

    Tomorrow is another busy day and I need sleep. So does Mourde. Unsure what tonight or tomorrow brings, so for now I'm gonna accept what is and look forward to what will be. Good or bad...learning lessons.

    Painful ones right now. All around.

    Be strong. Be yourself. Prayers to all.
     
    Despicable me likes this.
  12. Hope vs Faith

    Hope is a crazy thing. It really is a want. Isn't faith that, too? No...no...faith is believing there's a higher power in charge. That they are responsible in some ways. A...saving grace...if you will.

    I've learned though that asking in faith for positive outcomes doesn't usually work. Sometimes yes it does. Healing, safety, strength, guidance. Those work.

    Usually the lesson gets harder as we hope and have faith. We can't have our cake and eat it, too.

    We've spent so much time, Mourde and I, trying to focus on our fiduciary duties that we've lost time and energy and hope. We've lost ourselves in outcomes we really can't control. I forgot to worry about how I react, worrying too much about how the outside influences act.

    So far today I've had to do alot I wouldn't normally do. Out of my comfort zone. I have the shakes from it, but I'm alive.

    Mourde concerns me in his stress. Seeing he's not sleeping well is a huge concern. He also has some mild sleep apnea from restriction (he still has tonsils), and needs an overnight sleep study then probably a cpap machine.

    It's a must. He can't keep bottoming out on oxygen intake at night.

    Thing is...he won't sleep there. I know that. So as I'm running errands for a scrimmage on week 0 game that's tomorrow, I'm thinking "okay I can maybe stay with him and that'll help him sleep. I just need someone with the boys but we can figure it out ". I'm thinking "maybe just buy our own cpap and screw the study. We know he needs the machine.".

    I expressed my concerns at lunch and he said he would go to the hospital for the sleep study. He was very excited to tell me he reached out to a therapist and is waiting on a call back. That's strong of him to do alone. That's progress in his own self confidence and ability to get things done. I'm proud of him for that.

    The note weighs on him still and I keep telling him what everyone else does. Its not his fault and never was. To be blamed for this by even his father is so wrong and cruel. But it is what it is. We cant change that.

    His cousin has completely stepped up to defend him. And she is livid and not taking shit from anyone who is causing our family further grief.

    And as I explained to him at lunch: we can't do anything but let the attorney handle it and stay in a mindset of "fuck it...we did what we could, let them screw themselves over now".

    I'm so tired it isnt funny and have some stuff to do in house before he gets back home and our son from football. We are going out to eat for dinner and relaxing. I just reminded myself here I need to grab a retirement card for someone we need to see after the football game.

    Tonight early bed.

    And as I was snagging Mourde's fries during lunch I saw a man who is broken. Aren't we all?

    So the dragon reassured him everything will be okay. It'll calm down. There will be peace. And it needs to be in home so we can rest and recover from what's happened so far.

    My hope is high. We have more and more surrounding our family and protecting us emotionally from his siblings and niece now. We have them on the defensive. We have them legally accountable for wrong doing. And we've honestly won this fight before we even started it. With truth and dignity and morals and ethics and unmaterialistic thoughts. We won and all along we felt we were losing.

    That's a peaceful reality. They are the ones fretting, scrambling to literally hit dead ends in fighting his dad's wishes, racing to get no where.

    Before he left at lunch to go back to work, I got a hug. And that small gesture? Melted my heart. Because it was genuine. It was real. And I look forward to our time out this evening. And to a nice night of mindless TV and just resting.

    Please pray for our son and teammates to have a safe and winning game. I worry after the last time he was in a game and the concussion. That's been weighing on me as well.

    But I have faith AND hope. That everything will be okay. Not because it has to be. Because it will.

    Mourde thought i was mad at him. I told him no. I'm hurt. We agreed to reintroduce ourselves before he left. And to start today fresh. Without the past. Without the drama.

    Faith.

    Have a great weekend and enjoy the beautiful weather. Prayers to all.
     
    Kizd4AFool likes this.
  13. No words...

    I'm really out of words to speak today. I have thoughts and that's why I'm here.

    My voice hurts. My head hurts. My body hurts. And my heart aches.

    Yesterday was so nice in the afternoon. I felt love. I felt wanted for who I am. I felt..okay.

    We went out to eat and had an awesome time. Came back happy and some new clothes I had ordered came. Jeans and some new tops.

    Excited because rarely do I get new clothes (usually thrift store stuff), I try them on.

    Mourde sees my outfits and he's all excited. Telling me bend over...pick up the bags they came in.

    I see he's aroused. And my heart dropped.

    He wasn't aroused like that at lunch. It was sweet and loving and cuddly before he left.

    He changed.

    We went to bed and I wanted no parts of anything physical. He did and finally he took the hint. And then we woke.

    He was upset because i wasn't in a good mood. I was hot and as he tried to snuggle in bed I pushed the blankets off and he took it I pushed him away. I explained that wasn't the reason.

    I also explained how I felt objectified and the only time he is aroused is either in the dark when he cant see me and when he has my back to him (queue last Sunday), or when I'm wearing certain clothes. He got upset and was crying saying that's not true.

    It was busy...I had to get to the football field, drop off tills and concession items, our son, race home and get our youngest and him then back to the field. All while stressing this damn position a coach put our son in that he isn't physically large enough to play. I don't want my son hurt again or a concussion over a coach that has a bug up his ass.

    I needed to shower before the first race out the door but Mourde kept saying its not true hes attracted to me always. I said no. No that's not true. I can prove it.

    He said "well of course I'm not now I'm upset". I said "give me 3 minutes I'll prove you wrong ". He said okay.

    So I put on my running pants and a low cut top and come back outside and hes all crying yet. I walk down to face him and bend over. And sure enough...I proved him wrong.

    This upset him worse. I didnt care. He objectifies me. And that hurts. Badly.

    I changed. No shower time. And raced my race. The football scrimmage was chaotic and I forgot my anxiety meds. And another mom who does a ton was having a panic attack so we stayed well until it was over to help her clean up.

    Our son held his own. Thank you for prayers and the Lord for protecting him and his teammates.

    We get home. Feed the boys then needed to head to a retirement party. I have SO much to do. But Mourde asked me to go with him.

    I showered and fancy clothes on. Nice dress pants and a nice top. He complimented me. But no arousal.

    Figures. More depression. I feel ugly. Fat. Gross. Unattractive. Worthless. Useless. I could go on and on. But I'll save that misery for myself to process.

    We get to the party and more talking. Everyone wanting to know if we're all okay in house. Many friends and family there who know the truth about his dad and have our backs.

    His cousin was there working and wanted every detail. Hours later we leave and I'm tired and bleh. So. Much. To
    Do.

    Tomorrow another busy day. This sucks.

    Driving home we hit a massive storm and can barely see driving. Mourde got us home okay thank God. I finally ate and he did wash the dishes. I appreciate that.

    We cried explaining the details at the retirement party. We didn't ruin anything as we talked in the parking lot.

    I'm emotionally and physically drained. 5 hours in 90 degree weather simply isn't my style. I guess I could say I am getting a nice tan.

    I wore nice shorts to the game. Didn't matter. Didn't excite him.

    He ogled a woman coming into the retirement party then looked away. She had on inappropriate attire...short shorts and a low cut top.

    I guess if I don't dress like that I dont get paid attention to.

    I guess if I don't keep the lights off he can't fantasize about another.

    I guess if I keep the lights on (used to) it won't matter because he ends up objecting my body anyway.

    I guess I'm fucked figuratively.

    It truly truly cuts deep in my soul to know that no one but my kids in this world love me as-is. For who I am. Inside. My being. Not my body or what it may trigger to be thought of or seen differently in a moment in pretending I'm someone else. Only those kids see me...for my soul.

    I KNOW I'm a good person. I KNOW I do my best to be there for everyone. I KNOW I have a goofy silly crazy hippie funny sense of humor personality. I KNOW I'm glad I went and supported him today at this party and helped explain the details. Because he got the reassurance he needed that he is NOT to blame from someone he wanted to hear it from.

    Hearing me say it? Wasn't enough.

    Just like the classy clothes. Weren't enough.

    Just like this frumpy out of shape body. Isn't enough.

    Not without some mental/visual stimuli to trigger someone else that's attractive.

    I can't BE someone I'm not. That hurts like hell inside.

    My eyes twitch now alot. Too much crying. Depressed. Our summer ruined.

    And me wondering exactly what's been accomplished over the past 7 months?

    His cousin spoke about her ex and him being alcoholic. How she spent time believing his gaslighting and false promises. And he'd sober up a short while then back to it and everyone kept asking why are you still with him?

    She felt guilty she said. Like she was to blame.

    But finally she left him after she did everything she could to help him.

    After 3 hours of talking to her. What she said there beyond the talk of his dad's life and death and the drama ongoing? What she said about her ex was POWERFUL and relevant.

    It gave me my own hope. My own faith. It gave me things to think about.

    When is enough enough? When is it that everything was tried? When is it that the guilt of somehow being to blame or at fault moves a person to walk from a toxic situation that an addict just cannot break from?

    I guess you just know inside your heart.

    I'm too tired to think anymore and am supposed to be balancing tills. I think I'm gonna focus on straightening up the house a little and an early bed. Tomorrow is school shopping for the boys and fruit pickup for football and running that to another house. Then I'll handle the tills for Monday. And budget our bank account and then prepping to feed the team Monday at lunch.

    Ugh it never endssssssss.

    Be strong. Send me some good vibes if ya have any extra please. Be good to yourself and others always. (You think I'd take my own damn advice huh? Lol)
     
  14. Locusts...

    Fall is almost here. I adore that season most. Everything is prepping for winter, dropping leaves and old, tired stems, birds heading away, new creatures emerging, swarms of locusts...and pumpkin everything.

    Locusts are so cool to hear. That breeze in your open window at night and them and the frogs making music. Perfect sleep.

    Shells found on trees. I used to collect them and stick them to my shirt or on the kids. I found myself more entertained than them but...symbolism.

    I'm alllll about symbolism in life.

    I'll get back to why I am being nostalgic in a few.

    This morning Mourde did his best to have some of what he calls quality time. I was groggy and not in the mood. Coffee, my usual morning routine and prepping for a busy day.

    Fibromyalgia is kicking my ass lately from stress and this weather. And before I knew it I'm in the bedroom getting clothes before my shower and Mourde is rubbing my shoulders. They hurt alot and my one especially does from a pinched nerve that runs down my arm. I need surgery but have avoided it for a long time. The nerve is pinched in my elbow and I basically need my elbow broken, the nerve moved and then it all put together again. Physical therapy to learn to use my arm and hand again after healing. I just don't have time for that or want to.

    Anyhoo. I suddenly find myself wanting to be with him and...it wasn't planned or anything. It was amazing.

    We grabbed a shower, dealt with the pets and out the door. First to the get the boys clothes. Mourde got some new ones and me too. Then we opted to eat out since we all were hungry and our daughter met us there. She wasnt feeling the best but it was awesome having her there. We actually were laughing and joking around alot and...it was great.

    Then the shoe store for the boys. We all got a pair. Why not.

    Then home. I forgot fruit for the football team tomorrow so ran with Mourde to get that and even though it was a mess with a promised donation we ended up having to pay for, it was okay. Mourde and I found humor in it.

    Back home. He cuts the grass and I working inside and we got a huge food donation at the door for the team tomorrow (thank you Lord for the gift), and we've been busy bathing the pup and trying to get things rounded up for bed.

    The other house weighs heavily on us and our duties with it. We pray that his siblings accept the offer we've had out a week now. If not, we handle it.

    I will say never once today did I worry about Mourde in any way about him being triggered. Or myself.

    I did have to get a little puffed up, ready to rumble at the restaraunt. As we were waiting to pay this woman in front of us kept looking back at him and finally I stepped forward and gave her the look. You know the look? Like wtf...he's mine. Suddenly she said something to someone she was with about his tshirt. And they complimented it.

    Maybe that's all that she was looking at. Regardless I was internally shocked at myself. I wasnt expecting that reaction from within towards him in that way.

    He rather enjoyed it.

    Back to the locusts and those shells they leave behind.

    Back to fall.

    Letting go of the old. Prepping for the new.

    How long am I going to go back and forth on this...the past is the past. Let it go.

    I try then I get triggered over his actions. Or what I assume may be his actions but they aren't intentional.

    When will I stop that. Why don't I stop it.

    I need to. I need to follow the season and use it as my lesson. To shed that skin and sing my song and just...be.

    I want to.

    I analyze everything. Overkill. I have so many useless thoughts in my head it's not funny. Summer is over and what a shame.

    It's time to embrace every single moment and just...live in that moment.

    I did that today and as crazy and just spur of the moment, let's do whatever wherever...as much as today was against the way I've lived my life for soooo long now? It was...perfect.

    I want that every day. Maybe not as much running around and more downtime but...that...freedom of...the moment.

    I'm going to work on that alot now...and every day.

    That's my goal. If I can find that inner peace then Mourde can find his. He isnt worried about what I'm thinking or how I'm gonna act. He can focus on himself more. It feels like the right thing to do here.

    That and pumpkins and campfires and cool breezes and back to yarn and hooks and yea....the simple things in life.

    The rest will fall in place. Just like the seasons do.
     
    Tiger uppercut! likes this.
  15. Deal....

    99.9% sure we have reached an agreement on the house of evil. The lawyer on the other side of the equation sent a letter to our lawyer that Mourde's siblings want our offer. There were some questions that needed answered and I quickly took care of that with the reiteration we were NOT backing down. That house is getting sold one way or another. Easy or hard...up to them.

    I really figured I took all this money and wasted it on business law degrees and finally got to use it to our advantage.

    It's been probably the most chaotic Monday's I've ever experienced.

    Last night went from tired to me finding myself needing Mourde's affection. Afterwards we fell asleep but tossed and turned over stress and a possible stomach virus hitting our home.

    Up early to heat up 110 servings of lunch for the team before I left to see our oldest son Ill and stressed over some coach that I've had words with before. I put a text to the head coach to call me this evening to discuss. I'm still waiting on that call.

    No one fucks with my family and these kids have been through enough between seeing Mourde and I emotional over his addiction and this death and the drama of it all and now coach drama? Nah...not on my watch.

    I load up the car and pick up some of his teammates and get there late. They are whining about being punished for being late with bear crawls but hey...be glad your uber ride was available boys...do your thing and get on that field.

    I dropped off our son's meds to the nurse and ran to do banking then grabbed a coffee and home. Laundry piled high, house cleaning and spreadsheets and renewals for work and all that jazz.

    All the while handling this Trust crap so Mourde can rest his brains. Mine hurt today lol.

    I'm taking a few to write about today then back to cleaning. It's humid and nasty hot out and I'm drained. Hoping to sleep well.

    I'm not sure if Mourde heard from that therapist or not honestly. I forgot to ask him as he got home and got me another coffee then ran our youngest to karate.

    I made the deal with myself to take things as they come and that's how I'm rolling so far today. And I'm being productive so...that's what matters.

    I haven't had downtime to really process emotions but thinking about it...I'm content for sure. It seems this trust will be handled in a closure sooner than later and what a relief. Once they (please please God let it be so) finalize the deal then they've accepted everything and we are free from the nonsense. Yay!

    We havent walked the pup in days because of storms and heat so I'm hoping this evening a breeze rolls in and we can get her on one. I miss our walks even though I'm really tired.

    Mourde kind of panicked earlier as I was discussing the other attorneys questions and that I had to defuse fast and I did. No need to get all worked up. I got this.

    He seems more relieved now than in a long time and hopefully that will settle him down and he can focus further on processing his emotions and recovery. I hope.

    I know Friday our youngest daughter and I have plans for a few hours to get out and spend some quality mom and daughter time together and we both are excited about that. We used to weekly but it's been months since we did.

    I'm starting to wonder if Mourde's languages changed. Do they change??

    His used to be words of affirmation and quality time but I think that quality time may be more touch than anything. Hm...maybe. If so...that explains a lot.

    I spent a good deal of time wondering about the objectifying of me situation. Is it? Or am I overthinking it? I mean he looks more appealing in some clothes more than others. And I seriously used to have this thing with a certain cologne he'd wear back when we were younger. Lord have mercy I couldn't stay away from him when he'd wear it and he knew it. And he'd wear it for that reason.

    Maybe I AM overthinking this. Maybe I should be wearing more of what he finds looks good on me and attracts him to me more so than sweats and baggy clothes.

    I feel good when I wear stuff that seems to attract him. And if I feel good in it and it attracts him....

    ....wtf was I thinking?...yea I should be doing something that makes ME feel good and in turn builds my confidence and in turn I put out good vibes and in turn he gets those vibes and sees me all confident and i look nice.

    Duh...I feel sort of dumb right now.

    The issue is in the bedroom when he's not in the moment or too excited. But HE has to work on that. HE has to see those moments and stop himself. Or understand why I stopped him.

    What a day. I'm learning. Tired but learning.

    And I need to get things done here soooo...time to go.

    Prayers to all. Be strong and brave and smile. Good or bad we learn. Stand up and take the lessons...they are worth it and we repeat them until we learn them.
     
  16. So far...

    It's so humid and hot here. Our football dude was hesitant to go this morning. I did talk to the head coach last night and was reassured he'd speak to our son today and it would be okay. Our son was still anxious but he must go.

    Then the youngest to the dentist and facing his fears of the unknowns. He's so darn cute and after he was done gave the assistant a big hug. She told me he's a great kid and always so loving. That's awesome to hear as a parent.

    Mourde met me with coffee at the dentist and he's having a stressful day. He swore alot in the dentist with kids around and I had to keep reminding him to stop cursing. He left back for work and I was on my way with our son back home for a bit and we stopped for some cold drinks and sandwiches. It was a nice uncommon stop for us. Change is great.

    Handled an old client with a new issue, happy to hear from them.

    Mourde kept texting me about the therapists he left messages at and hasn't heard from. He sent me info on a local one who just happens to see a friend of ours and their kids.

    He has an appointment next week. He could have Saturday but football games are Saturdays and he loves watching our boy play as much as our son looks for his dad in the crowd. It's a guy thing.

    I heard from the head coach about how our son is sooooo quiet and he's never experienced that in a player. The boy is a beast on the field and to look at but he's as quiet and polite as a church mouse. His problem is fear of being judged and anxiety and we worry about addictions with him (he's the one who Mourde spoke to about his SA/PA and promised he would never do that but we've found he has a few times now). We also know he needs advocacy skills badly. I'm super excited about this therapist in that he can help Mourde individually and us as a couple AND our son individually. That's really cool.

    I was worried something happened that Mourde had the attitude of "it cant hurt to go". In the past he wouldn't go or he would to one session and end it. We tried couples therapy and what a disaster.

    I know from my own therapists that I've walked out on...if a person doesn't want to change...they won't get the help they need.

    Mourde thought I was mad at him about the lack of therapy stuff and I explained I'm not. It's his choice. I'm worried about him emotionally is the concern with me. Between this addiction and his father and the suicide note...and all the other stressors...it's overwhelming for him and I see that.

    We communicated. Wow huh?! And he wants to go. For himself and us. And I support that either way.

    I'm actually super proud of him.

    He even complimented I looked nice today. I didn't try or have anything fancy on. But he was kind and it was heartfelt. That means a lot to me.

    We're happy that the House of Evil (hoe I call it lol), seems to be moving ahead on closure with our offer. We hope to know for sure over the next few days.

    Last night nothing remarkable happened. We are tired and were watching TV and a commercial did come on that he eventually looked away from. Funny...it didn't bother me he was beyond the 3 seconds. He didn't do the grind or try to make a move. He just watched a commercial and that was that.

    And I didn't even make a deal of it.

    Commercials he knows from the start that will trigger him he looks away quick. Some catch him off guard.

    I'm tired of not watching TV over triggers. And I cant wait to get past that the way it was last night.

    He has a lot of doctors appointments and bloodwork and sleep studies and all that to get thru these next few weeks but it's all good. I'll help him get thru all that. And it's to help him. I want us to start working out again in the evenings so I'm here catching up now to free up time later on.

    Its calming down. And he is making choices on his own. To improve himself. And our relationship.

    That's super awesome and makes my heart happy.

    Hes always wanted a new truck and had one for a brief time. Then we had another baby and needed a bigger vehicle so never got another brand new car.

    If this offer for a buyout happens I am gonna take him straight to the dealer and do my sales thing (my negotiation skills are pretty good), and hes leaving with a shiny new truck. And we are getting a new bed. Those fancy ones that each side has it's own comfort levels and raises and lowers. And maybe a couples massage at the spa. We earned that shit for sure.

    I woke up today tired but wanting that man like never before. He had to race to work but I did tell him at the dentist how I felt. He felt the same.

    That's a good feeling inside.

    I picked out the sticker at the java joint for my coffee. "Peace and love"

    I'm going to end this post right here with that thought in my mind :)
     
  17. Truth hurts doesn't it?

    Bit busy...not unusual. Tomorrow starts school and that's a SOLID few hours anyway of some downtime/catch up time on me. I look forward to it but regret no summer with the kids, regret the drama, and regret that I just haven't accomplished more.

    I can't change that.

    I'm still tired. And sore, unsure why, but it's been super humid here and stormed last night amazingly well. I'm butthurt, too, saddened a little? Unsure what emotion exactly. Worried? Confused?

    Last night our son confided in Mourde he didn't want a new jersey number. Usually he talks to me about things like that, he figures Mama Bear will fix it all. He's had the same number for years and now that the coaches have been douchebags (1 coach in particular), well, our boy is being sent to a position he doesn't want to be in. I've voiced my opinions and the fact I'd pull him, we'd move, it's not rocket science. Today driving to practice (the LAST summer practice of 2019 woohoo!) he expressed his feelings about this sudden change on the offense side of things and I suggested he advocate for himself and his number, and I'd back him IF he advocated.

    Our oldest is having issues at her restaurant and after I dropped off the football boys went to the middle school with our youngest to do a walk-through of his schedule tomorrow and see the nurse for his med drop-off. And as I'm meeting teachers my phone is going OFF and it's her. After the 2nd time I was afraid it was an emergency so I answered and she's on the other end bawling and upset over drama at work and I had to step out into the hall and have been working with her for hours to settle her down.

    Garbage is out for pickup tomorrow. Dinner underway, laundry going, work caught up, housework...eh...getting there. Pets still need fed. My assistant bookkeeper screwed up her spreadsheet against my numbers so I had to figure out what she forgot/input wrong and clear that mess up.

    So I'm anxious for sure, tired and grumpy some. Last night I had everything done except the rest of the dishes that always end up in the sink and garbage out, dogs out one last time for bed. I took a quick bath and was hoping for bed by 10pm and here is Mourde as I'm washing dishes, playing on his phone. He journaled and figured I was still in the tub so why get that done? He said he was waiting for me to get out of the tub to do the dishes and finish up closing up the house for the night. I said often how I wanted to get to bed by 10ish, and here I am washing the dishes and hearing him tell me he was planning on doing it.

    That doesn't make sense when you think about it.

    We got to bed by 10.50pm. For him to say "well it's earlier than the usual 11'. I wasn't happy. My desire to want to be with him ended the moment I saw a sink full of dishes and him playing on his phone. Him saying he 'just finished his journal' didn't help when I knew he had 20 minutes before that. He was making excuses.

    He tried with the massage to get somewhere but I was too tired and just not in the mood. So his mood became sour some. It's all good.

    I do notice that some people seem to find ways out of things and when they see it work for someone else, they figure they'll give it a go.

    I see this in my business, my daughter's business, in life in general. In addictions. Easy ways out or to hide the truths. If there's what seems to be a 'valid' reason to get around the reality of nonsense, and that reason works for someone, then others follow like those little mice from the Pied Piper. It's ridiculously stupid. And so many people see through that but no one says: "you realize what you are doing is just enabling yourself and others and using some tactics of reasoning that are a basic lie?"

    I see counters that are a joke. That contradict what is written beneath them.

    I see people look me in the eyes and say something then do another.

    I see people abuse their power and status against others to get them to do their bidding.

    Truth hurts.

    My own truth hurts. I'm no angel. I haven't been true to myself. I've let myself go and not stood up for myself. I haven't been taking care of myself as far as my health goes. I haven't been working as hard as I could be on my business to make more money because I use the excuse that there is no time. I have time. I could make time. There's time somewhere. I'm finding myself harsh and cruel to the world in general at times because I can't balance my emotions completely yet.

    I'm allowing my own idealogy of how my life should be to lie to myself and lead me to believe that's the truth.

    It isn't the truth, though. Life is hard. Life requires balance. And I need to find that.

    I can speak my expectations until I'm blue in the face to Mourde but if he doesn't want to meet them he won't. Or if he doesn't want to do them (like the dishes), rather than say that, they don't get done, then I get attitude, then he tries to do them as I am doing them and I get more attitude, and the night goes to crap from there. Just say the truth.

    I'm rambling, bah.

    I'm glad he's got that appointment next week. I'm hoping that by seeing a therapist that, no offense, he can get away from here. Because I don't know that it's a healthy place for either of us here. Yes we get to speak openly and have some great support. But there's always downfalls here, like anywhere. He sees others using the system of healing as some science experiment that they can find a way to continue an addiction with in the name of healing. Doesn't mean he or I agree with it, but it's ridiculous. It doesn't make sense. It's being truthful but it's also a means to enable.

    And it gives those recovering ideas on how to beat the system. Not good.

    And sorry but, so many have this philosophy that without sex, there is no relationship.

    I can't wait to see those people in about 20 years when we are all old and grey and have canes and walkers. I wonder if they'll have the same philosophy? Because seriously I see older people that are more upset they are alone and want someone to talk to and be social with than hearing them say "boy oh boy I wish I could get some sex right now".

    I dunno, it all makes my brains hurt.

    There's no chaos here. No drama. No me flipping out or going off on Mourde. He knows how I feel because I communicated that earlier today. I know how he feels.

    I'm going to get 30 in on the treadmill and spend time with our son here while Mourde and the youngest are at karate. Then a walk with the pup in about an hour or so.
     
  18. Evolving...

    Wow what a day! Last night we got to bed at a decent time and Mourde and I enjoyed each other's company which was great.

    Up early even though tired (we were up late in the dark), boys to school...woohoo...me time!

    Cut my hair and cleaned up my eyebrows...it's the little things. Feeling sassy.

    An issue with work came up that is out of my control so unfortunately I may lose a very long time client. And a big account with them.

    Pup has an infection on a spot at her stitches from her spay so I'm handling that and keeping an eye on her.

    Then our oldest calls. More work drama at her restaraunt. She's in tears again. I told her to leave. The other owners are verbally abusing her and running her to the point of exhaustion. Leave, baby girl. She left.

    She came here shaking and upset and we talked and came up with a game plan. Within hours she has another job making more than now. It's all good. God is good.

    Boys are bouncing off the walls and I'm working on dinner for tomorrow...homemade spaghetti sauce. Girls and I are going out a bit so that'll be all ready for when we get back to heat and serve with pasta. I look forward to tomorrow!!

    Mourde has been busy here as well. No doubt we both will be in bed early.

    The house of evil is moving closer to the deal being agreed upon by his siblings, they want an appraiser to verify we are asking a fair buyout. We are asking under market price so....if they argue the deal then they can get out and we will force a market sale. I'm to that point. One way or another it's going away from us...sooner rather than later.

    Football game away tomorrow night against a big team. I'm nervous for our son. Please pray that all the boys are safe and have a great and fair game on both sides.

    Another game Saturday morning. Talk about busy. I'm in concessions Saturday so I won't get to see him play for at least half the game then. In some ways that's good because my anxiety goes through the damn roof hearing and seeing those pads crack together.

    I got to start a sweater today which was awesome.

    Feelings check in: Calm. Mentally tired but positive thinking. Saw the crazy neighbor lady and it didn't even bother me. Not fretting over Mourde as he's given me no reason to fret. Worried about our son on the field. Those kids are my world.

    Overall a busy but productive and good day.

    I'm watching our oldest evolve as she learns some hard life lessons in the business world and about people in general. The other kiddos are evolving too into stronger and more productive people. The football child still needs advocacy skills so we will continue to work on those and I know the school has programs to help him learn those life skills.

    Mourde is evolving. He's doing more without me asking. He's smiling more and joking around. He's not fretting as much and he's looking forward to therapy and getting healthier.

    I am evolving. Back to my independent self that's okay when alone. I enjoy his company so when he's not here I do miss him...but I'm okay. I'm doing new things and I'm finding myself as I teach the kids to accept who they are...that I'm using my own words to grow from. I'm back on track and able to not walk in circles fretting things. Not thinking of the past or allowing the little things to get to me.

    It's a good feeling and I'm going to hold on to that as long as I can. Hopefully for the rest of this lifetime.
     
    kropo82 likes this.
  19. Shew...

    Few minutes of downtime. Friday was busy with the varsity game and going out with the girls. Met Mourde and them for lunch and he was anxious, unsure why. Something triggered him.

    He seemed better after lunch and the girls and I shopped some and had fun. Lots of fun. We did see a woman that looked like she came off a stripper pole and later I told Mourde about how inappropriate it was to be a woman walking around the way she was. I noticed he looked down at his crotch as I'm telling him about her, I put that in my mental rolodex for some reason. I did my best to look nice but no compliments. No affection or anything from Mourde. Sort of hurt my feelings.

    Saturday was a trainwreck. Our son broke down finally over miscommunication and a serious...what seems...vindictive slap to his back from the coaches. Mourde snapped. I snapped. Our son is huge and heres a kid bawling. On his 16th bday yet.

    His best friend was there and helped him stand up and spent the night. We went out to eat and had a nice time. His mood changed and we are trying to keep him emotionally in check.

    I wore those jeans that he went nuts over when I got them. No compliments. No nothing. Emotional day so maybe that's the problem but...more hurt inside. I was cleaning and doing all the housework alone past midnight. It sucked.

    Yesterday the boys went to the shooting range and had time out. Our girls came and that was nice for me. I tried again to look nice and finally around 8pm when I'm irritated I had dog hair all over my clothes(I trimmed the pup a little), and how I looked awful, Mourde said I looked fabulous. I told him I'd been wearing this outfit all day, little late to say something now. Deeper inward pain and hurt. By now I'm questioning myself and my self esteem went totally to shit.

    I cleaned up again. By now he's stuttering and upset and afraid I was mad. I wasnt. I'm not.

    I'm worried about our son's emotional state. I'm confused why I'm the usual friend again. Why even what excited him before was supposed to be okay and me happy he found me attractive suddenly the same things...aren't. I don't understand. But I'm not mad.

    It hit me last night when we were in bed watching TV and he really wasn't worried about looking away during some iffy commercials...my hair changed.

    I cut it Thursday short. He said he liked it but...he hasn't been more than a buddy since.

    I'm still seen the same. The fill in. The substitute. That's as heartbreaking as watching my son go thru what he is.

    This morning the boy paced and was mad at me because he couldn't skip school. He took all his gear Saturday to quit. Coach wants to see him before he makes the final choice. I told him I support him either way...do what is best for himself...what makes his heart and soul happy. He went inside and I thought hed take his gear but he left it and got the bus.

    Later Mourde is taking it and standing beside him to talk to the coach. He needs to teach our son to communicate and advocate himself. And Mourde is the man to do that with his son. For his son.

    The lawyer is supposed to call this week about the house of evil and get some shit rolling forward. That's good news.

    Our oldest started a new chef job today and with someone we know personally who won't work her to death or bully her.

    For some reason this year is a life lesson against bullies, self esteem and advocacy. I guess it was bound to happen for our family.

    The kids use me as their example because I've always been in their lives the most raising them. Mourde always was the breadwinner. And given my self esteem issues and the never say no to anyone gal, mixed with anxiety and depression and the fact I feel utterly useless? I pretty much suck as a mentor to them.

    Funny how one person can bring you down to a level of shit so fast it's like a car wreck. I know how our son feels. And I dont want anyone to ever feel that way let alone him.

    I've already reached out to his guidance counselor and coaches. I won't let him stay in this mindset long. I can't. It's tearing my heart up worse than it was over my own personal issues.

    I have dinner started and need to get out of my pjs. It's almost noon and I just dont even care how I look and I HAVE to do something about that. For myself. I'm embarrassed of what I wear now. Of my hair. I regret cutting it last week. Sadly I was so happy and even looking at my post that day I felt soooo positive.

    I'm glad the weather is cooling down. I can wear my hats again. For now I'll wear the kerchiefs I used to all the time. I need some new ones because I only have 2 and need some to match my clothes better.

    Ah well. Life goes on. It's a friggen beautiful and breezy and blue sky sunshine day. I can get thru it. Always do :)
     
  20. Junk....

    Yesterday went okay. After ALL day of speaking to our son's guidance counselor, coaches, our son, and Mourde even getting a call from the Athletics Director for reaming out a coach's ass (with grace of course), our son and Mourde went and spoke to the head coach and things have been resolved. It was a big weight off my chest and seeing him happy makes me happy. He's emotionally drained, understandably, and that'll take a little while to heal but I know he will be okay now. He will be on the turf where he wants and deserves to be.

    Oldest LOVED her new chef job, and got done working at an awesome hour of the day and stopped to see us a bit. Too cool.

    It's early and I'm baking for this evening for a bake sale. I keep saying "if I ever see another cookie again..."..yet here I am lol.

    It's rainy and chilly here today so the oven being on for hours...yeah..I'll take it.

    I'm simply exhausted mentally.

    I haven't taken off my kerchief on my head since yesterday. I even slept in it. I'll get back to that thought in a minute or two here.

    So for this event tonight for fundraising we need some gift basket items to raffle. And I was in the attic grabbing some old sports cards to tuck into the basket. Mourde has a ton of them and they really aren't worth more than a personal value and he doesn't look at them and our kids have no desire to have them so, they'll head to a good cause. And as I'm getting these cards out I see his box with all of his Navy papers and letters and cards and our attic isn't vented so I took and brought the box down because his memories were all getting ruined in the attic.

    I'm going through them and the letters from his sister put aside and it made me smile to see his shipmates from way back when wrote him and we know that they are still alive and well. His mom wrote ALOT to him, his gram and his pap and cousins, too. Not one was from his father.

    His sister had one that mentioned that she couldn't write to him anymore, that he was basically a disgrace to the family and that he had disappointed them and they felt bad he was in such a 'bad situation'. It spoke about his girlfriend and her 2 year old kid.

    I didn't understand this letter. At all. It wasn't something he mentioned to me before and really it bothered me because our oldest daughter?....she isn't Mourde's. She's from my first marriage. And to know that back then his family didn't take to a woman having a child from another man...that bugged me badly and sat really not well on my stomach.

    Then another letter..the ONLY one he wrote to his father...he spoke of this woman again. Saying she was "hot".

    Hm. I asked Mourde about it and he got REALLY defensive. He said he didn't remember her. Then he was going through what to keep and what to toss because some was junk and honestly it's time to clean up this house and get rid of what isn't needed, and he read the letters and sort of shrugged and said yea..it was someone he cared about but his family swayed him to not be with her and she wasn't happy that she wouldn't be accepted in his family so that was that.

    Now...there's a lot of missing info here. Like...he was with quite a few people and had quite a few relationships...but this one...he skipped over. And I'm trying to figure out the timeline and trying to understand HIM for who he is and he just was not having any parts of discussing this. He kept saying it was nothing, drop it, it was the past, blah blah blah.

    Well....I want to know that past. And it's unfair to me to have been lied to about it.

    His cousin this morning told me that this woman was very important to him. That he was heartbroken about her and that he even called his cousin to talk to her about this situation. His cousin didn't remember a lot, it was quite awhile ago and she said she was hung over when Mourde called her. She just hoped she gave him good advice and was there for him in a positive way. And she kept saying how he had a big big heart and was very heartbroken about his parents and family and this girl.

    He said he told me everything. Fresh start. I believed that.

    It never ends does it?

    He's said her name before. In his sleep. I guess I'm jealous....he's never said mine.

    I'm jealous of someone that he wrote about. Dreams about. Thinks...is "hot".

    And here I am with my pjs on and a worn down cardigan, and a kerchief hiding my hair of shame. I must have passed out last night well...it literally hardly moved on my head while I slept. Got to bed later than hoped. He didn't journal, didn't and has not worked on anything recovery related in...I don't even know how long..I don't keep track anymore. It's not my problem really. I'm just the...aftermath of it all, in a way?

    He said he didn't have time to journal or anything before bed. He paced around is what he did. Again I did pretty much everything in house and instead of him utilizing that time to focus on himself in recovery, he paced and bugged me "I'll do that, I can do it for you.". I don't want that. When I'm frustrated...I like to keep busy. It wears my mind down enough and my body that I can sleep.

    It's so HARD to have confidence and self esteem when it continuously gets drug down. I KNOW I allow it to happen. I KNOW I need to look past Mourde and find a mirror and look at myself. I KNOW I should NOT be allowing his actions/lack of actions to affect me. But they do. Tremendously.

    He offered a nice massage and then was trying to get some affection, and I passed out. I was not in the mood. How can I be when I know that I'm being fed incomplete information and he won't share his story with me...? How can I when he won't see me as a person...or find me attractive unless he's in the mood? And as I'm passing out he's grinding and poking at me from behind....

    I hate that. Soooo bad.

    I'm trying to hold up the world here. And failing miserably. I'm trying to hold up myself. And failing miserably. I want to be loved for who I am. For what I look like I want to be wanted. For what I do I want to be appreciated. I am very depressed today. It's been building up. And need to reach out to my group to get this off my chest and out of my soul and rid myself of the junk inside. I need to realize and accept that I CANNOT be someone else. I CANNOT be anything but me. And if Mourde doesn't like that or find me attractive or want me for who I am, what I am, for what I look like? That's on him, not me.

    It's really sad. I really thought I knew everything. And I understand we all forget somethings or tuck them away to never expect them to be opened up again. But when recalled...just talk about it if asked. This isn't fair to me...it isn't fair to my kids to see me hurting and I can't tell them why. It isn't fair I do EVERYTHING still. It isn't fair I have to wear some stupid kerchief on my head because if I don't he won't even look at me let alone want to be with me. And how ironic that when I hide my hair with this kerchief suddenly he wants sex? Like...wow.

    I want to cry but have to get things done here for this fundraiser. I know I need to deal with my emotions but right now...I'm gonna do what I do and choke them down and put on that fake smile and be Mary Poppins and pretend all is well.

    I've mastered the fake shell of happiness. Haven't we all?

    Inside though? Is junk piling up.
     

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