Some WOMEN (not all) are more fake than the ones on screen

Discussion in 'Porn Addiction' started by LouMan, Mar 9, 2015.

  1. LouMan

    LouMan Fapstronaut

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    DISCLAIMER - I do not want to make this about MEN V WOMEN or an equality thing. its simply an observation and id welcome comments from the females on this site.

    Lately ive been very sexually active with numerous women - this in and of itself is nothing wrong in my books. ive always had very healthy amounts of sexual energy and feel that my recent efforts towards breaking PMO are paying off in many directions (not just sex off course). i do not say this lightly and am more than aware of how HARD one needs to fight EVERY friggen day.

    what im finding however is that there seems to be a general feeling of loneliness, malaise and detachment out there in the community when it comes to SEX and intimacy. WOMEN are not excluded here. they have sex but dont really care about taking it further. some ive slept with actually SOUND LIKE THE ARE IN A PORN STUDIO. ooh, yeah, f**k me harder, etc...with all the passion of a carrot. what is more interesting is that this is after they actually sounded pretty cool and interesting to talk to. some dont want the hassle of a relationship or feel its simply too hard. some women seem resigned to the fact that the guy is there one day and gone the next. other dont seem to care either way. theres always another fitter, more energetic, better looking, bigger dicked dude after me. it seems booty calls, one night stands and for the moment titillation reign supreme in my city. whats the f*** is going on here?

    again nothing specifically wrong with casual encounters however what ive seen seems to go beyond. its shining a totally different light on my addiction and the act of masturbation itself. i cant help the feeling that society in general seems to be feeding rather than helping the PMO issue and then simply say 'its not right. it objectifies women, blah blah, etc...'. its clear to me that WE ARE ALL ADDICTED in some way shape or form. i feel that a considerable part of the population out there are MORE fake and empty than the characters we see and beat off to on the screen. they are simply actors - we are the real world here.

    This in part makes me say 'to hell with it!'- if they are just as fake out there as they are in here then technically theres nothing wrong with PMO. But another more quieter voice in my head says: 'keep going. you are doing well. Why should this makes you lose hope? what you have seen simply proves that you are part of the problem LouMan. Make of it what you will.'
     
  2. EarthDragon

    EarthDragon Fapstronaut

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    There is wisdom in your words, because it's the painful truth. The advent of the "porn-age" is just the tip of the iceberg, but portrays the bigger issue perfectly. And the issue is our inability to form deep, meaningful and lasting relationships. Nowadays, the knowledge of these relationships seems to fade into obscurity and only around as legends and it is exchanged with a cheap substitute: porn. And not a cheap substitute as well: prostitution. And another one: casual sex, like you just described.

    For you can go two ways, and you must choose between either of them. You can have one, but not the other. The choice lies in commitment. Do you want to be committed or not? Ultimately this makes the difference between whether you'll be able to form a deep connection with someone, or not. Also, the more you excercise one, the less able you are to do the other. In other words, it's a tradeoff. You get something, but lose something else.

    Being in a committed relationship is much more harder than anything else. Also, it's much more fulfilling, but for that fullfillment, you have to pay a price. Like giving up the option of having casual sex. Commitment is not magic, it's a mindset, and also a habit. If you excercise it, you'll get better, if you do the opposite, you'll reap the results of that as well.

    On one hand, there is the ability to form a meaningful, deep, fulfilling relationship. On the other hand there is every other sexual activity that doesn't need commitment. PMO, casual sex, friends with benefits, etc.

    Time to choose my friends. But choose wisely. :)
     
  3. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Community Manager
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    Great words Earth Dragon.

    Though I've never experienced it myself (casual sex that is), I feel that porn and casual sex are closely tied together. it is, as Earth Dragon said, a pronification of human relationships. People in casual sex relationships no they are only using each other as objects for mutual sexual gratification. And so when they engage in casual sex, they turn to that infamous model of objectified sexuality... pornography. To tell you the truth stuff like that always made me uneasy. When I was watching porn vids and the women would start talking dirty, it always made me feel dirty, like I was some kind of perverted sicko. And to my horror one day, my wife started talking like that one day while we were having sex. I was horrified, and told her to stop. I could barely finish because it just killed my libido. [NSFW]In fact I did go limp inside of her. [/NSFW] But I can't blame her, because I was looking at porn throughout our entire relationship, and she thought she had to act like the girls in the videos to turn me on.

    True connectedness and sexual wholeness can only be found in a committed relationship where you respect each other's boundaries and approach each other's bodies with reverence, respect, care and something not very far from devotion.
     
  4. silvaticus

    silvaticus Fapstronaut

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    Female viewpoint here: I think you are completely right about the fake-ness, as you put it. You should also be listening to that quieter voice telling you to keep going and that you're doing well.

    Here's why: The fact that you are noticing these things that you wrote about means that an essential change is taking place within you. Here's the thing... Porn culture has created a compartmentalization of personality versus sexuality. I'm sure that girl you mentioned really is a cool person to talk to, however she has learned through porn culture that performance us what men expect and desire during sex. By that, I don't mean being "good" in bed, I mean performing like a p actress. Many women are not comfortable/in touch with their own sexuality beyond being attractive to men. They see their value primarily in being a pleasing sexual object, not pleasing themselves as a sexual subject. Unfortunately, there are many women who have never even had an actual O, because they are so unfamiliar with what actually turns them on. These issues lead to the passionless performance that you described.

    Now here's the thing, you're right that there is nothing wrong with casual encounters per say, but as long as a person is seeking out casual encounters for sex only, or to reaffirm their value as an object, they're not going to see anything but the fake. To see who someone is really, you need to actually make a human connection and continue it through to the sex act. Make it clear to the woman through your actions that you care about and really want to experience her pleasure. This can definitely be done through one night stands, but takes calculated effort on your part and an integration of your whole person into that experience.

    You need to keep up what you're doing. Refuse to objectify women and be a good man. Because our culture is so messed up, a lot of women aren't going to like it. It's a symptom of the disease. However, for the right woman, it will be the most attractive thing ever. Your sexuality will be connected to the whole if your personality and you will connect in a way you never thought possible.
     
  5. mattstronaut

    mattstronaut Guest

    Interesting post LouMan! I agree that society seems to be feeding pmo... Advertising, the media etc. makes sex almost an impossible topic to avoid on a daily basis. We were told at school that there was nothing wrong with masturbation or to fantasise - but then as the thrill of that wears off we discover porn to make it exciting again. Interesting how porn was never mentioned once in sex education...

    I think consumer culture makes us pretty fake and empty, when we consider a lot of modern day companies, they don't consider the implications of the product they sell and how they could affect peoples self esteem (make up) or health (cigarettes) but as long as they make money it's fine... Ultimately porn is a business that makes money, so it is up to us as consumers to make that choice of whether to use it or not.

    When we consider the fakeness and emptiness of society at large, it is no surprise that men and women are becoming less interested in caring for each other and commitment... Maybe we are consuming sex rather than living it per se...

    However, there are many businesses and many people that aren't fake or empty... This is the same when it comes to sex and intimacy. The question is if you want to be fake or empty? It is possible to have casual sex and be intimate, there must be some genuine reason why you slept with each other initially (I'm not talking alcohol induced one night stands)... Yes there may be another guy on her horizon, but if you thought like that about everyone you slept with, then you would never settle down with anybody..!

    The great thing about nofap is that it has helped me to be more objective about sex and relationships. Once I moved away from the warped world of pmo in a previous reboot it helped me to think for myself in terms of sex and relationships... Maybe take a break from sex and see how you think about it, which could help you shape your future encounters... The fake and emptiness of others is not the issue as you can't change that unless you 'be the change you want to see in the world' in your encounters. If you want to have casual sex, that is fine as long as you are making that genuine decision... A lasting relationship will happen with the right person, don't try and force it..!
     
  6. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    I agree with the everyone above. As a woman the main message we receive and are receiving now at a much more rapid pace is that we NEED to be porn actresses because that is our main competition. Men are beating it to porn, we are watching porn so the porn actress is what the men want, otherwise why would they watch it? Every article is about "blowing a mans mind" or "50 sex positions that will keep him interested". We are indeed neck deep in porn culture.

    The thing is, a woman, in general, is not ready to give herself intimately until she is in a committed relationship so when you have a one night stand with a woman or a strictly sexual relationship with one you are not going to get the REAL woman. She is having sex to please you, not herself. My advice would be to try and get to know a woman for at least a few weeks before jumping into bed and see how that changes things. Even married couples can take years to feel fully comfortable with each other, where a woman is expressing real desire in the bedroom. Women usually take 45 minutes to warm up to start enjoying sex and the average sexual encounter lasts 5 minutes so herein lies the problem.

    I truly believe that men and women are not built for one night stand encounters. Porn fuels the idea that this is normal and since you've given up porn you are starting to understand the lies. They are no longer manipulating you. You want connection just like every human on the planet. You are not going to get intimacy from a one night stand, you are only going to get two people in meat suits rubbing up against each other....
     
  7. mijereah

    mijereah Fapstronaut

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    Really dude?! so you think PMO will solve your problems?? Better rethink that!
     
  8. firdi

    firdi Guest

    Very important post and interesting replies.

    We live in an age where Fifty Shades of Gray is mainstream. It all boils down to this - sex sells. And women are fed this ideal of a hyper-sexual moaning nasty liberated woman. The biggest farce being fed to us is that success means good sex.
     
  9. The Eleven

    The Eleven Fapstronaut

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    A lot of nails being hit on the head in this thread. P -- along with other things in our modern society -- have drained most of the emotional content out of sexual relations. In fact, I think that's probably what traps a lot of people. It's easier and safer (from a psychological standpoint) to PMO or have one-night stands than it is to really invest yourself into another person. But what gets lost is that these encounters aren't really very nourishing. We get the physical release, but we don't get something even more important -- shared intimacy with someone.

    It goes way beyond sex, too. How much easier is it at the end of the day to grab a drink and turn on the TV rather than spend any time talking with your wife (or husband or significant other)? Or to check your smartphone during a meal or conversation? It's like we can't stand to stop DOING things and just BE for a minute because we've been conditioned to expect it to be this ridiculous "thrill a minute" existence.

    Figuring out how to slow down and actually live our lives is so important, and most people don't even know they're missing out.
     
  10. jbastoniv

    jbastoniv Fapstronaut

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    Think about the next generation, they are so socially awkward and hardly spending time with real people, spending time with people over the Internet, Facetime, Facebook, etc... P is sex without a relationship (one night stands are as well).

    This is a awesome post with awesome answers.
     
  11. Moxie

    Moxie Fapstronaut

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    In 2011 I quit watching porn, and masturbating for a good 5 months. I was in touch with my feelings, I appreciated womens' good qualities, and I was at a peak of productivity. All year I was rowing 2 hours a day, working at an organic garden several hours a week, and going to college full time. I knew a girl from the organic garden. We worked together, and socialized in a work group, often getting food and drinks. We got to know each other well. I had not known any romance since high school. It had been over 5 years since I had sex. In the summer of 2012, I asked her on a date. We went stand up paddle boarding one weekend. The next, we picked raspberries. Then, we went to dinner and for drinks. Then she invited me to her family's beach house. I told her I appreciated her as a woman, and she was everything I wanted for a relationship. We ate burgers with her Aunt, Uncle, Grandma and Grandpa. We made s'mores in a campfire. I was digging this girl. We made out, and were going to have sex. This was amazing for me, I would have married this girl. She was really special. I had an O in under 2 minutes. I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really fully erect, but we tried and the second time it lasted much longer. I remember feeling that I was using her body, and she picked up on this. She started saying, "fuck me harder," and it seemed like acting, but was really well delivered on her behalf. We tried many different positions, because I couldn't finish. I think my history of porn addiction made me need novelty, and it was more difficult to orgasm with the same partner twice. Even with an amazing, really special girl, it was adulterated by my messed up perceptions of how to have sex, from porn. She told me some of the positions didn't do anything for her. She seemed to just want to please me, to help me finish, even though it wasn't pleasing her. I appreciate the input of the girls in this thread. Similar to what the OP said, this girl broke it off with me after this sexual encounter. It was a significant loss to me, because she was really a great person, who I wanted a future with. She cut me off, wouldn't answer the phone, wasn't on any social media, etc. She said I wasn't energetic enough in bed, and did not like how I was shy around her family. There are only a few people I've had relationships with who I truly respected, where I could love them as much as I love myself. The fact that it turned out to be just casual sex humbled me greatly. A lasting relationship is what I want more than anything. I might be blind to what I lack to be the "right person" for a long term relationship. I do not know for sure what is in the way of me finding happiness in a serious relationship. I could use some help, advise, and lessons in this area. I'm 21 days into a streak on hard mode. This is the furthest streak I've had since 2011. I'm feeling pretty good about my will power.
     
  12. LouMan

    LouMan Fapstronaut

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    mijereah - please read my comments carefully again my friend :)
     
  13. painistemporary

    painistemporary Fapstronaut

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    Truly interesting post dude! Thank you for putting this up.
     
  14. painistemporary

    painistemporary Fapstronaut

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    I think accepting the world the way it is would help a lot. You cant just go out there and try to change everybody! They have got to get the brains and try to improve themselves!
    Even though I can only read this and not experience it, it seems pretty disturbing!
     
  15. e5s

    e5s Fapstronaut

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    So... congratulations on noticing one of the problems with the casual sex scene. It is a bummer.

    But, I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Are you upset that the women (plural) with whom you're having one-night stands are into casual encounters and not using the sex as a foot in the door to deeper intimacy? Well, what are you doing? The same perhaps?

    These are women you've just met. They're trying to please you, whether for their own ego, or because pleasing people just feels good, or their own hidden motives. They don't know you at all, so they try porny sounds because they know that a lot of guys go for that (come for that?). This is a problem why? Casual sex is usually about fantasy. If you told women you were into innocence and inexperience, I bet you'd witness a slew of bad acting attempts in that direction too.

    I'm not trying to bust your balls about this or anything, being mystified just seems a little odd juxtaposed with the whole "but they seemed so cool and interesting to talk to" comment. Here's a challenge: If you have a good rapport going with a female, and at some point during sex she goes from apparent enjoyment to "fake" enthusiasm, gently ask her what the deal was with that afterwards (or during if you dare). Getting a conversation started could lead you to the non-fake interactions you crave. Maybe she'll even tell you how to REALLY please her in bed. What do you have to lose?
     
  16. LouMan

    LouMan Fapstronaut

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    hehe to be honest e5s as soon as I saw your post and read ‘im not trying to bust your balls’ I thought ‘here we go - who you kidding? youre totally gonna bust my balls on this one (sign)’ but then I reread and thought ‘don’t be a self-defensive ass- shes making some good points here!’. Answer her as best and sincerely as you can - so here goes:
    am I upset that they are into casual encounters and not using it as a door to deeper intimacy? No. after all thats what im doing too. I simply don’t have a problem with that per se at this stage in my life and at my level of nofap\ spiritual development. ok so what is it then? I am simply a little upset that some people are not being honest in the course of what is commonly called ‘casual sex’.
    You mentioned that women try ‘porny’ sounds perhaps because they think guys go for that, or for their own ego or because pleasing people feels good, etc. This may explain the reasons but it doesn’t make it HONEST and truthfully a little pathetic. you ask ‘this is a problem - why?’because it doesn’t have to be that way. because casual sex, yes even casual sex, doesn’t HAVE to equal dishonesty regardless of whether you’ve known the other person for 1 hour or 1 year. Fantasy can be entire fiction but still expressed in a completely open honest way. also perhaps a conversation (if I dared) about why she acts like that will get her to open up and unlock the secrets about how to REALLY please her. but I don’t want to do that (the asking part not the pleasing). why? Precisely because its a ‘casual’ encounter not an ‘intimate’ encounter.

    so Miss Casual - tell me im boring, tell me I’m not big enough, moving right, hitting the spot or a terrible kisser. Itll hurt like hell but ill respect you for it and hopefully learn to be a better overall lover. Moan and move like a bad b grade porn actor and well…lets just call it a night.
     
  17. Limeaid

    Limeaid Guest

    A study once revealed that 80% of women moan so their partner will hurry up and finish. Might be a clue that you aren't cutting the mustard in bed. Having said that it took my husband a loooong ass time to figure out how to give me an O through oral so I cannot imagine anyone getting that right on a ONS. Also 70% of women feel nothing during PIV sex including me so if this is all thats taking place then I can see why the women are fake moaning. There is also no way I would tell a casual sex partner what I liked sexually. It's an extremely intimate conversation to have and you assume the guy just wants to [email protected]$& and be done with it.

    I think you might be expecting too much from women you've just met.
     
  18. fapequalsdeath

    fapequalsdeath Fapstronaut

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    How the f.uck is expecting a woman to be honest about her sexual desires "too much"??? All I can say is that is exactly the behaviour that leads to an unpleasant experience. The more walls and "masks" you put the more you get away from the real deal. It's pretty simple actually - people who are not honest are cowards. Both women and men. It takes alot of gut to truly express yourself without fearing judgement of others. I admit that even I am in this state but atleast gradually am stepping out of the comfort zone and making effort. My advice for OP is to stay away from women like the one he described in his post. Pulling fake s.hit like that then ignoring... Fake b.itches ain't worth it man no matter your affection towards them. Use your rational mind like a sieve when it comes to decisions like that. Otherwise you are gonna get stuck with the dirt while the gold nugget was in your grasp.
     
  19. LouMan

    LouMan Fapstronaut

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    Limeaid i gotta agree with fap=death here. honesty is not expecting too much. there IS a basic level of cowardice when there is no honesty for both sexes. dishonest is dishonest no matter how you dress it up.

    Having said that ill be leaving this thread behind as of today (too many other interesting ones to read\ create ;)
    was fun while it lasted and got lots of interesting perspectives (including yours from earlier in the post)
     
  20. lewis713

    lewis713 Fapstronaut

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    woman are just as bad as men, they just use men for their penis and sexual pleasure, im talking about a lot of them not all, they are just as sexual as men, dont be fooled into thinking there some innocent type of creature, they are sexual like us.
     

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