Someday I will be here.

I am on the path of one day sharing my story here. There was a point in time where that seemed unimaginable and like it would never happen. I was in an endless cycle. This cycle is slowing down, I am grabbing the reigns, and I am working to become the person I know I can be.

But I know there is more to discover, more to tap into, and more to experience. I look forward to the day where I no longer have to divert mental attention to a behavior like masterbating to porn. A day where I am able to look at the compulsion and laugh because it's so petty and stupid. So not worthy of my time and energy.

How have I beens ALLOWING myself all this time, to hinder my potential by cultivating such a useless experience. Can't wait for the day where I get laid too.

Sex has been such a dark topic for me. Filled with embarrassment, nervousness, because it has just been so grossly warped by porn. A physical pursuit were I can meet my release....

I can really feel myself changing. On the physiological front, I'm sure I am on the path to restoring neurochemical balance, on the psychological front I am distinguishing behaviors that have held me back in all facets of my life, and on the human front I am experiencing people at another whole other level.

This change though, is subject to revert back to old habits. Everyday I am tested. Some days I fail to live to my ideals, while others I experience life as it meant to be lived.

While I guess the only thing left is to let time do it's thing.

One success though however, is that I am no longer scared. I am 18 years old, and I am always frightened by the notion that one day I'll find myself at 25 in the same boat as I am now: struggling. Now, though, I know, that if I'm lucky enough to make it to 25, I have the power to enact the change in my life.

Best,
Sir Fappanot

 

Hey thanks a ton man! And yea it really is great. Before coming to this site, I could NEVER had imagined I could go 50 days without porn. The support, the resources, the people, it makes all the difference. I'm just coming off of a rocky patch, so your comment is especially appreciated.

Take it easy brotha, keep it up too!

Best,
Sir Fappanot

 

Sure thing dawg, (may be triggers in here as a heads up)

Well, last summer I was going to have sex with my girlfriend. We had done just about everything else there was to do, and one day she said ' hey you wanna have sex?'. I respond with a quick yes. I didn't have any condoms nor had much experience with them, so we get in the car go to buy some.

Get back to my place. I'm just acting super confident, but deep down I just felt like it was going to go bad. We're making out and such, she's a beautiful girl, and I'm just stuck in my head like 'fuck fuck fuck, get hard'. And I;m not. I put the condom on, semi-ish. Can't penetrate cause not fully erect.... She's realizing this. Trys blowing me, nothing. That would have been my first opportunity to have intercourse.

After that, we just talked a little. I was terribly embarrassed. This than lead to me, just being super insecure around her. Not that she would tell anyone, but I was just worried it would get out, idk girls do talk to each other. At this point to, I was trying to stop watching porn and build my life, however that same day I had watched PMO'd twice before I was with her. That kind of like slapped me in the face and put that do a dead stop. I then went heavily back to porn to prove to myself I was sexually fine.

After internally, I kind of denied what happened. I built walls to protect myself from the replay of that event in my head. I really in a sense ran away, physically too, as was gone the whole summer, and am now at college.

This is the jist.

Also, though, I'm not sure how helpful I can really be. I'm 18, and as your 22, I realize every day that I get that much more life experience so I'm sure I can learn a lot from you. Let me know, if you have a similiar experience. On a limb, I'm gonna guess we have some different stories.

But thanks for asking. If you care to ask more go right ahead.

And in someways, I'm almost glad that happened... It's set me on what I'm doing now. Maybe I would have still been watching porn. I'm glad I found out about the complexity of this issue sooner rather than later.

 

One day I'll be here!

After 58 days, I've gotten a taste of what I know I can become. Baby steps. "This isn't a reset". This failure will be taken in stride, marked in the spread sheet, learned from, and in no time, it will be a thing of the past.

For those of you who have been were I have I am now, I am seeking advice! After 58 days no PMO'ing, I have just watched PMO today, ending my consecutive days streak.

I have learned a tremendous amount. I realize that I could easily squander this knowledge and experience and regress into old habits. I DON't want to do that. As I have stated, one day I will be here. Though I may have taken a few steps back, I am still walking the same path.