Someone help me stay on the right track (sissy hypno battle)

Dude, holy shit. This almost literally sounds EXACTLY like my story with porn. Almost down to the 19y/o part. I wanted to tell my story too, because yours was so close, that it made me feel hopeful for better. Your story made me want to write this, because I was too scared to write about my story. So thank you for sharing btw!

Spoiler

Around the time I was 18, I ended up giving my (at the time) “best friend” oral sex. I can firmly say that the resulting situation, and the way my life is going - it has f**ked up a lot for me, especially mentally. My friend groups and social life became super upset, especially after a brutal break up with my ex, and I lost a lot of friends and “friends” (iykyk: toxicity).

I kept selfies of myself dressed in a crop top and a collar because to me (when I stored porn on my phone), I was bringing my “oh-so-wonderful” fetish of sissy porn into my life. I figured, ‘I had a feminine type body (I’m kinda skinny and lanky) anyways!’. So I started to copy the porn that I was watching, and I started to crossdress like in the “sissy” porn and take pictures of myself. (In hindsight, I recognize this as “bringing my invisible thoughts/desires into the visible world”. So coincidentally, just days after I took said pictures, (maybe as a negative form of manifestation), my “best friend” at the time, found my nude “femboy” pictures. I was sleeping at his house, and he decided to break my trust, by going through my phone. He knew my passcode, so I guess that gave him the right and the idea to snoop around. He found my Hidden gallery and later told me about it a couple days later (or maybe it was even that morning, I can’t specifically recall). So then the topic of porn and sex came up, like in context of casual conversation while he was driving. Then he eventually broke the news to me, and he told me that if I wanted to “try something”, he would be down. Of course, my disgusting naive pornographic arousing “instinctual” thoughts kicked in at said mention of “sucking d*ck”, so I accepted the offer. Later down the road, I came to terms that he broke my trust, and essentially and perhaps unknowingly was the catalyst of my depressing porn addiction.

Anyways, we ended up having some drink and going down on each other. We kept it casual, as we discussed while driving prior, and rarely spoke about it from then on. It was “just our secret”. Fast forward a handful of weeks: I get a GF and basically “forget” all about the first incident. I say first incident because at the tail end of when I was dating my now ex-GF, my “best friend” called me again and brought up the idea again. (I was actually long distance with my GF at that time, so I was watching porn on the daily to fill the void.) Again, my disgusting naive pornographic arousing “instinctual” thoughts kicked in at said mention of “sucking d*ck”, so I agreed to meet up with him when I found time to go back home. (Long distance for opportunity for a year). A month after that phone call, my GF broke up with me from halfway across the country, and I was left unable to cope healthily. So I watched sooo much more porn. I upped the ante by buying feminine and sexy clothing online, and engaging in the same behaviors as I described above (crossdressing). I smoked a joint everyday to try and cope with emotional pain mentally, and I also smoked heavily while I watched and binged on porn. I was all alone, getting stoned every night, PMO, searching for heartbreak’s answers in porn. This was the time where I started to go lower and lower.

Months after the breakup, I found time to go back home, and I was starting to feel depressed, but I brushed it off. (I could never get depressed, I’m not that “kind of person” that gets affected by depression! *eyes roll & head shakes*). During my two weeks back home, I visited my “best friend” and I went to his place with some drinks and weed. He asked if I wanted to still “do it” (oral sex, he was trying to get me to go anal, but I [thankfully in hindsight] declined), and I told him yes. I had my disgustingly naive pornographic thoughts, remember. I wanted to feel something after the break up, so why not feel like a sissy sl*t? At least it was chasing love from sex! Wrong, wrong, wrong. The night took a turn for the worst (at least for me). I got super high, took shots, and then engaged in sexual activity with “best friend”. But this time, when he finished, he did so in my mouth, unlike the time before, and I felt vile and disgusting. Like really disgusting, and putrid, like a rotted stench. I felt beta and like a sissy, but it didn’t feel like when I just watched the porn. I felt apart of the porn I watched, but I felt worse than ever before in my soul. My heart sank, but I didn’t say anything, and so I brushed it off. When we went to sleep, he put his arm around me and started to caress me like his GF that he had/has (she didn’t know). I guess if people that know me find this, everything in everyone I know’s lives would get f**ked up, but that’s just the cost of porn in real life.

Anyways, time goes by and I slowly isolated myself, to the point where my phone notifications are dryer than a desert. I got rid of all my social media, and told my friends and “friends” to text or call me. Then I slowly tried (and am trying) to wiggle myself away from mentioned “best friend”. He has no idea of this, and I have just been ignoring him, because I don’t know what else to do. I don’t have a job when I moved back home early this year, because I “fear” (maybe irrationally) that I will run into him and have a confrontation. I don’t even know what to say to him. But I did the mental audit of our friendship and have concluded that I need to move on, and make my life better. He is honestly a toxic person in general, but maybe that’s just me. Either way, I need to remove this person from my life without exposing reasons why. (Friends and family would want to know the truth on why our “good friendship” went sour, and exposing the truth would make a ton of my friends and family turn their backs on me [they are “kind of” “anti-gay”. And they think porn is the Devil and is disgusting. Trust me, they found out that I watched porn once, and I was shamed]). I am in a rut and bringing my pornographic thoughts into the physical world has upset my whole life.

Sometimes I think “suicidal”, but I know that I am strong, and I would never ever leave this Earth without a great great final fight. So I am strong mentally, but those thoughts do leak in like the porn thoughts, especially after I watch porn, and I become depressed. They both ho away with time, but always return when I finish watching porn and feel shame. I am aware and do not find them a threat. It’s almost like the expression some people use: I want to KMS. I can confidentially say I’m not a risk, but this is for the sake of my story telling.

My porn was a secret, and so is this story. But I need to say the truth because damn I am just so so hurt. Emotionally and mentally, I am scared, but I hide it everyday, and I am so sick of feeling empty. I can’t really go to anyone about this problem, because I portray myself as a heterosexual and not do something “gay” like this. I know that I didn’t enjoy it, but it felt good sexually and physically. But my soul does not feel good one bit. I feel bitter even writing this bit here. I know that the truth will at least make me whole again, but at what cost? I feel like I’ve gone in too deep when it comes to porn, and now I am facing the consequences, or I definitely will. Hopefully, my pornography habit will not end up with me being kaput, because I know that deviance and sexual “sin” eventually leads to death.

[This kinda got deep, but yeah. That’s where I’m at. Thank you for sharing your post, it really helped me feel like I’m not alone, and I could share this on an online forum.]

 

It takes a lot of courage to post about your feelings and experiences like you did. I think this shows a lot of inner strength. I can relate to much of your story and I feel that at least some of it has to do with the simple desire to escape. This leads to recurring cycles of fetishistic indulgences followed by shame and remorse. I believe that the way out of these loops is to learn to be comfortable with our true selves, to accept our faults and limitations, to learn to cope with the difficult times and realize they will pass - rather than look for an easy but costly mode of escape, be it through porn, fetishes, drugs, booze, or whatever. Anyway just want you do know you're not alone friend - there are many here who understand your struggles and there truly is hope for a more positive future.

 

You can easily slip into the Sissy/Trans track.

It takes a lot of awareness to knowledge the problem and also courage to talk about it.

I found myself watching more and more Sissy Hypno and Trans/ Black Power videos lately.

We are not supposed to see as many d*cks in our life. After years of binge watching P, our brains becomes totally damaged and our perception blurred. It destroys our self esteem and confidence regarding our own genitals.

After my first time - with a hooker as a 28 yo virgin- I started looking for trans prostitutes to try. This is when I knew this sh$t went too far.

I'm trying to avoid P definitely. But when I feel like relapsing I rather do it watching some vanilla P or Lesbian.

 

Fight fire with fire! I reccomend getting the Hemi-Sync tapes from the Monroe institute.
theyre meant for "astral proyection" , but even tho I dont believe in astral realms I have used them for very nice meditation, calming-down, lucid dreaming(I have them regularly;theyre real!),etc. The non-symmetric sound waves make the brain's 2 hemispheres sync-in, and the voice of monroe is soft and reassuring.

It seems you fell victim to audio.visual tracks,so using hemi-sync while watching those caleidoscope visuals on youtube etc,might save you.

 

Your story is so similar to mine, what a coicidence I just wrote a post so similar to this one. If you want we can hold accountability brother

 

When I slip up I let myself feel bad for a couple hours, then I get right back to the nofap plan. I take what I learned and apply it going forward. Recovery is rarely a straight line. Just build on what you've done and keep going.

 

Seeing these types of threads is making me feel so blessed I never got sucked (no pun intended) into this trap (pun intended) as so many others I grew up with did. Looking at this stuff and looking at people I grew up with who had their minds destroyed by it gives me panic attacks, and frankly thats what I need right now. Society needs to "calmly" start freaking out because what this stuff is is literally evil and turns people into dehumanized husks.

 

Hi everyone,

I wanted to say thank you for having the courage to post your stories here. It seems there are a lot of overlapping issues.

One thing I can say to you is that you have time on your side. From your ages described in your story you are probably in your early twenties. When you are younger, social circles matter more and mistakes have a bigger impact on your wellbeing. These things you experienced are bumps in the road. The meet ups, the experiences with 'friends' and all these things will become part of the stupid things you did when you were young. They are big now don't get me wrong, and yes problematic, but as you get older, seek counselling/therapy and are in more control of your addiction, they will gradually get smaller. In regards to friends, they come and go so don't worry about them. Also try not to be hard on yourself because everyone's experiences are unique to them.

The big question to ask is, would you do any of this if you quit porn for a year? If the answer is a resounding no, then you have your answer. Maybe you don't know yet and that's OK, You just need to get in touch with yourself again and give quitting PMO a real chance.

You might have to get a blocker like covenant eyes, which I use. You can elect certain websites and key words. I would suggest adding your keywords so that you can stop buying clothing.

In this type of content, the messages are powerful but your brain is elastic and malleable. You can reprogramme yourself, the sooner you start the easier it is. I thought I would never get better and I did gradually. Having a routine that includes looking after yourself mentally, socially and physically is very important. I noticed that PC use is directly linked to this addiction. Late night use needs to stop, gaming and YouTube hours need to reduce. Only reading after 10:00pm and no phone. This will help 10x like it did with me, although I have my days. The weed needs to be a social thing only. With me, if I get wasted (alcohol and PMO combined for me) all the feelings come back, so personally I have to stop at 4 or so drinks. Just know your limits.

The key is to start now in your recovery. Usually we get addicted because we are unhappy with our current situation. The addiction loop feeds itself based on shame and guilt. I know this is general, but ask the big questions like what you should have in your life that will add value, what do you want to explore and learn, what are the special things you can do with your spouse, family, friends or just for yourself. Commit slowly to these things.

Its very hard to find a super patient and understanding person in your life like your GF has been. The fact that she knows suggests that in a way you are reaching out for help. So many people completely hide these things from their spouse. You can make her an accountability partner on covenant eyes. This means you won't be able to install apps or browse things without her seeing them.

I'm sure there were more things but hopefully this helps broadly.

 

Totally understand what you are saying but try to be constructive here. I agree with what you have said and there is a driving force behind all of this. I'd suggest starting another thread on these topics.

 

I agree. Pornography used to be something that wasn’t ever really talked about, because it wasn’t a “crisis”. Now it’s a “crisis”, but people still won’t talk about it because of the social stigma surrounding it. Which is understandable. How many people would actually want to have a conversation about pornography and how it ruins lives? What’s funny to me is that everything nowadays (social media, TV shows, movies, basically a lot of “enter-train-ment”, I mean entertainment, is highly pornographic in “nature”. Healthy sexuality should be encouraged and talked about, instead of promotion of pornography (directly and indirectly), and when pornography gets brought up, it is shameful and “disgusting” to talk about. I couldn’t tell you how many times I felt hurt about my habit, and tried to even just “open up” a little bit, and was met with a disgusting look. It put me in a corner by myself feeling dirty and ashamed. NoFap is exactly what needs to be discussed in the majority of society. I’m not ready for that deep a conversation, and neither are “Non-fappers”. Stigma is the word that comes to mind though.

 

hi mate, i've been on nofap for 1.5 months and i can say i almost got rid of sissy porn. I think the main thing here is not thinking about sissy fetish because fetishes are like balloons if you don't care, they will fade away. When you think of sissy fetish, think about normal sexual content and get rid of this mess.

 

Get rid of the mess or become a mess, its a two way street.

 

Thank you for sharing your story and I sincerely wish you the best on your recovery.

We have all experienced shame and regret regarding our addictions, so you're not alone in that respect. I know I certainly have.

There are obviously many different opinions on homosexuality. My personal is that I believe it's a form of sexual immorality, so in the same category as lust, adulatory, pornography and so on but actually far more sinful than any of those due to the fact that it is more unnatural. We don't need to go into that in detail but that's my personal context to explain where the next suggestion comes from.

I suggest that you immediately seek professional counseling from someone who specialises in this area. While the people on this forum surely mean well there is only so much we can do, and this situation is so serious that it may be better to meet a professional who can help you.

There are other possibilities such as cutting out drugs completely, which based on your story I think you agree is a wise move. Your are vulnerable and need time to heal, and you need to be sober minded through that journey. Easier said than done of course but that may be where professional help comes in. It may also be wise to take away your own computer privileges, to not use the internet for a some time.

 

Can't agree more. I respect those who know what they know and do what they do, but putting that aside, this also resembles my beliefs. I grew up in a household where homosexuality was discouraged, mostly because it is unnatural (therefore sinful). So when I fell into the porn trap (no pun intended), watching sissy porn or gay porn was just another taboo that I took up in my private PMO time. It wasn't until a "friend" - years into my PMO habit - "found" (looked through my phone unbeknownst to me) some of my porn, and initiated a conversation about it. Now, coming from strong faith, I can definitely say that when I, unfortunately, agreed to engage in "unnatural" behavior with said "friend", it really did turn my life upside down. If something is unnatural, it often ends badly.

 

This is key by the way.

 

someone I know turned themselves into a trap and has tried to come onto me several times including recently. the saddest part is the dude isnt even remotely gay and had his mind warped. im glad i never was confused enough or desperate enough to fall for it or I would be in the same place as you.

recently made the decision to not be around the person at all because traps are gay.

 

Yup. I had to make the decision to cut off the "friend" I mentioned, but only after I took things too far from watching so much porn, and letting it warp my mind. Because now, our "friendship" will never be the same. He broke my trust, he knows I watch(ed) porn, I was also dressed as a trap in the pictures he found, and so every time we would have met up (he doesn't get the hint that I'm trying to leave that "close bond" we had), I would have been looked at like a piece of meat, like the trap porn I watched. Disgusting. I'm not gay, I wouldn't even consider myself bi. But boy oh boy, get a screen in front of me with porn on it, and you would think I was [pick any P*]. Now I am able to recognize my habits, and when I did that I also recognized the torment that I was slowly signing up for. I had to cut off that toxicity before it went too far. It's exactly as you describe though, warped mind. I have another separate friend (pretty close, we've known each other since kids) who I know for a fact watches porn VERY much. I've recently called him out on it, in a bid to get him to stop watching because outside looking in, I can tell that it "warps" his mind. We spent a weekend together, and that's basically all he talked about when we weren't talking about anything in particular. But since I took a step back from porn, it felt like he was talking in such a disgusting way. I remember asking him if he thought that talking like that was okay (put it in my ***, suck this, f**k that/her/him). He didn't think there was anything wrong with what he was saying. I believe that is a prime example of how porn warps our brains. Other people just become objectified and sexualized, and I don't have time for that negativity. I don't ever wish to "hang out" with a "friend" and have the night end up going south, all because I was sexualized over a couple of drinks. I am a straight male, and it's bad enough that I had to draw the line after I crossed it.

 

objectively untrue since it does happen in nature, just taking our closest cousin the bonobos about 60% of their sexual relations are homosexual in nature and how can lust be unnatural since you need it for sex in the first place?