Someone who I love love porn~

[Citadelle]

Ahoj všetci,
ako prvý ospravedlňujem za moje anglicky a možno aj veľmi zmätené myšlienky. Mám toľko pocitov posledných dní a nemôžem o ňom hovoriť nikomu.
8 mesiacov predtým, ako som sa stretol s jedným mužom ("len internet") krátky príbeh, sme na celom svete v LDR, obaja s vážnou chorobou. Môžem teraz povedať soneone, potom dievča, čo chceš.
Ale naozaj ho milujem.
Po šiestich mesiacoch povedal, že je závislá na pornografii už roky a tiež obrázky v jeho šialenstve, keď vidí ženy ..
Máme veľmi dlhú dobu intimitu a cítila som, že ako žena odmieta tak veľa ako ... Stretol sa so mnou ako silná žena, ale všetky z nej vyrobené z tejto silnej ženy práve zničili. Nedokázal som s ním komunikovať s týmito problémami bez toho, aby som kričal alebo pláčal ... bojovali sme ako blázon .. napriek tomu, že som sa vrátil, len mi napíše, že miluje e, nezaslúži si ma a že so mnou nikdy nebude hovoriť v niektorom z týchto vecí.

Ospravedlňujem sa ... toľko ... Som vinu za to, že som nemohol byť pre neho podporný.
For woman is horrible feeling, so helpless.When you know,that you cant give him never ,whats porn give him, that he will be rather spending time with porn like with you, that fact that he is masturbating with pics or porn ..but with you he is not able to have nothing, or he just doesnt want to.the feeling that you are unatractive for him,and the completely Deny .
The last what he said was that he want break, coz this are his problems not mine anymore..but that despite all he dont want the end our relationship..
I m totally broken .
When you find in 35 years someone who you really Love..and its totally f*cked up coz porn.
I know thats maybe the best, what I have to do , is block him and forget. Coz what..it was just time on skype, it was just almost year..so its should nt be hard...
Ospravedlňujeme sa, len som chcel povedať niekomu aspoň niečo z pocitov, o ktoré by som sa bláznil ...
Nie som z tohto centaury, verím v "pre dobro a zlé", ale hádam, že som ho zničil aj ja a ja. Coz napriek tomu, čo verím z celej svojej duše, nebol som schopný ... Byť tu, lepší. aby sme sa s tým vyrovnali, aby sme zostali spolu.
A zdá sa, že je to len jeden, kto sa stále stará ..
Viem, musím skončiť, nechaj ho.
Ospravedlňujem sa, chlapci, celkom som sa rozpadol dovnútra.
Citadelle

 

[Deleted Account]

Hej, je mi ľúto, že nehovorím o tvojom jazyku. Môžem hovoriť poľsky a anglicky. Prešli ste strašnou situáciou. Je mi naozaj ľúto, že sa s tým musíš vyrovnať. A vaše angličtina je dobrá, veľmi pochopiteľná!

Kliknite na týchto používateľov - sú to ženy, ktoré trpia ako vy.

@Numb
@AnonymousAnnaXOXO
@BetrayedMermaid

Dúfam, že môžete získať dobré rady a podporu. Zostaň silný.

Počkajte / Trzymaj się / Take care

 

[Citadelle]

Hej, je mi ľúto, že nehovorím o tvojom jazyku. Môžem hovoriť poľsky a anglicky. Prešli ste strašnou situáciou. Je mi naozaj ľúto, že sa s tým musíš vyrovnať. A vaše angličtina je dobrá, veľmi pochopiteľná!

Kliknite na týchto používateľov - sú to ženy, ktoré trpia ako vy.

@Numb
@AnonymousAnnaXOXO
@BetrayedMermaid

Dúfam, že môžete získať dobré rady a podporu. Zostaň silný.

Počkajte / Trzymaj się / Take care

Hello,thank you very much for your comment and supportI m from Slovakia, learned English but long time ago. Willbe follow the women.It s so crazy mix of feelings , ten minutes I m angry like hell , the next twenty support him ..ten cry.... For while I was thinking that Love will leads him away...but its seems that porn is more like love etc..anyway Thank you~dzekuji

 

[Deleted Account]

It's very brave of you to be here. These users have had very similar experiences. I hope you will feel better soon. Take care.

 

[Numb]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Does he admit that he is an addict? Is he trying to recover/reboot? It is a very hard thing to go through. For me, my boyfriend and I are still together and we support each other. It is still hard at times but is getting better with time and understanding. Remember, this is not about you. His porn addiction isn't because of you, your looks or what you do for him. It is his addiction and he likely had it before ever meeting you. I know I still struggle with that and sometimes I still get caught up in the whole 'if only I was better/prettier/fill in the blank'. But I don't let myself dwell on that, it doesn't help anyone to do so.

 

[Deleted Account]

@Citadelle, len buďte úprimní o svojich pocitoch. Povedz všetko. Odídem, aby ste mohli plne hovoriť. Hovorte aj s ostatnými. Počkajte.

Thanks for your help @Numb. Really appreciate it. Hope you are both doing OK.

 

[Citadelle]

I'm sorry you are going through this. Does he admit that he is an addict? Is he trying to recover/reboot? It is a very hard thing to go through. For me, my boyfriend and I are still together and we support each other. It is still hard at times but is getting better with time and understanding. Remember, this is not about you. His porn addiction isn't because of you, your looks or what you do for him. It is his addiction and he likely had it before ever meeting you. I know I still struggle with that and sometimes I still get caught up in the whole 'if only I was better/prettier/fill in the blank'. But I don't let myself dwell on that, it doesn't help anyone to do so.

Hi Numb, thank you for this. He someyimes speaking about porn, then this last X mass say I m porn addict and all things.And he was trying to not look anymore..and he was doing great, then cames a harder days and its happened. I was always asking him to go on psychotherapy etc, coz I think that almost 15years addiction , its too much strong for repairing it by himself just. Now he is not speaking with me ,so I don t know what he will be doing now. ..
I admire you that you are able stay by your partner side and communicate about that. How many time it was how its going better between you? When you are talking about it with him and you start feel like you know "if i was more prettier..." are u using some technic in your mind? I dont know if he once will wanna talk about that wirh me , or its end, but I would like learn to deal with this ,anyway.Glad to hear that you are still together.Thankx for all.

 

[Citadelle]

@Citadelle, len buďte úprimní o svojich pocitoch. Povedz všetko. Odídem, aby ste mohli plne hovoriť. Hovorte aj s ostatnými. Počkajte.

Thanks for your help @Numb. Really appreciate it. Hope you are both doing OK.

Thank you ☺ yeah, I think this is the hardest part now, that I can not speak about what I feel and when it's come in waves I have feeling sometimes that I can not breathe coz these waves ...but now I understand him more..coz when he want speak about that..now I want and he is not... I m trying to live my life, but I m constantly sad inside me.We were calling everyday, now its one week. And I dont think that this "break" what he wants, will can help us. It's hard for me to understand many things from man views,too. Anyway, wish you a nice day , C.

 

[Numb]

I think the addict opening up to someone is important. Whether their SO, a therapist or someone else. I think it would be much harder to get clean and stay clean without some support. I know many guys are reluctant to open up and want to fight things on their own. It can be so frustrating sometimes. It is not a weakness to have and show emotions. It takes more strength to open up and admit to your struggles. I wish they could see that.
The reason I am still he is that he is being open and has been clean. He says he wants to stay that way and I will do what I can to help. We have been through a lot together, both good and bad and as long as he is willing and honest I will continue to fight for us. But it took nearly destroying us to get to that point. It has been a long painful road to get where we are now. So many lies, broken promises, so much pain. I feel broken sometimes and I know I will never be the same. But it is his support and willingness to listen to me, to hear the despair I've gone through. And still do sometimes. I know that hearing these things causes him pain, but he is facing it and that shows me a lot. If he wasn't doing these things I don't know what I would be doing, but I do know I wouldn't be able to stay.
For you I don't know what to say. You are in a hard place. If you want to try to work out your relationship let him know that, tell him want you need straight out. Don't hint or assume he knows what you mean, trust me he doesn't. Be blunt. If he is unwilling to help you and himself it may be better for you to get out. Have you read up on betrayal trauma? You may benefit from seeing a therapist for yourself. It is hard but keep reminding yourself that his addiction has nothing to do with you, it likely started before he ever knew you. I know my boyfriend was a PA long before we met. He tells me that he can see where it has gotten in the way of his life before we met. The problems it has caused. Things that he would have thought were unrelated to porn. But knowing it has nothing to do with me doesn't always stop those thoughts. I don't let myself dwell on them like I once did. I try to stay busy, keep my mind occupied. Reading, writing, drawing, video games. The weather is getting nicer here so more time outside, taking my dog for walks. I've started yoga and that helps surprisingly well, and I am feeling better physically too from that. If the thoughts intrude despite all of that I will look around where I am and just name items I see. Sounds stupid but it works for me. If all that doesn't work I will talk to my BF about it, or just write it down in a notebook I have. If that thought still bothers me the next day I will bring it up to him.
Other people may have better suggestions for dealing with this, I know I am not the healthiest when it comes to mental health. I have very bad anxiety that I have had as long as I can remember. And very little self esteem, combine those and I am surprised I am doing as well as I am.
Wow, wrote more than I meant to. I hope I answered some of your questions and didn't overwhelm you. Good luck, remember to take care of yourself mentally and physically.

 

[Numb]

@Citadelle, len buďte úprimní o svojich pocitoch. Povedz všetko. Odídem, aby ste mohli plne hovoriť. Hovorte aj s ostatnými. Počkajte.

Thanks for your help @Numb. Really appreciate it. Hope you are both doing OK.

Thank you for tagging me about this. We are good, some days are better than others but working together to get through it all. I hope you are doing well too.

 

[Deleted Account]

Thank you for tagging me about this. We are good, some days are better than others but working together to get through it all. I hope you are doing well too.

So glad to know you're both still fighting. Well done. Maybe one day I can get your input on my own situation. Keep going.

 

[Numb]

So glad to know you're both still fighting. Well done. Maybe one day I can get your input on my own situation. Keep going.

Feel free to message me any time you'd like.

 

[Citadelle]

I think the addict opening up to someone is important. Whether their SO, a therapist or someone else. I think it would be much harder to get clean and stay clean without some support. I know many guys are reluctant to open up and want to fight things on their own. It can be so frustrating sometimes. It is not a weakness to have and show emotions. It takes more strength to open up and admit to your struggles. I wish they could see that.
The reason I am still he is that he is being open and has been clean. He says he wants to stay that way and I will do what I can to help. We have been through a lot together, both good and bad and as long as he is willing and honest I will continue to fight for us. But it took nearly destroying us to get to that point. It has been a long painful road to get where we are now. So many lies, broken promises, so much pain. I feel broken sometimes and I know I will never be the same. But it is his support and willingness to listen to me, to hear the despair I've gone through. And still do sometimes. I know that hearing these things causes him pain, but he is facing it and that shows me a lot. If he wasn't doing these things I don't know what I would be doing, but I do know I wouldn't be able to stay.
For you I don't know what to say. You are in a hard place. If you want to try to work out your relationship let him know that, tell him want you need straight out. Don't hint or assume he knows what you mean, trust me he doesn't. Be blunt. If he is unwilling to help you and himself it may be better for you to get out. Have you read up on betrayal trauma? You may benefit from seeing a therapist for yourself. It is hard but keep reminding yourself that his addiction has nothing to do with you, it likely started before he ever knew you. I know my boyfriend was a PA long before we met. He tells me that he can see where it has gotten in the way of his life before we met. The problems it has caused. Things that he would have thought were unrelated to porn. But knowing it has nothing to do with me doesn't always stop those thoughts. I don't let myself dwell on them like I once did. I try to stay busy, keep my mind occupied. Reading, writing, drawing, video games. The weather is getting nicer here so more time outside, taking my dog for walks. I've started yoga and that helps surprisingly well, and I am feeling better physically too from that. If the thoughts intrude despite all of that I will look around where I am and just name items I see. Sounds stupid but it works for me. If all that doesn't work I will talk to my BF about it, or just write it down in a notebook I have. If that thought still bothers me the next day I will bring it up to him.
Other people may have better suggestions for dealing with this, I know I am not the healthiest when it comes to mental health. I have very bad anxiety that I have had as long as I can remember. And very little self esteem, combine those and I am surprised I am doing as well as I am.
Wow, wrote more than I meant to. I hope I answered some of your questions and didn't overwhelm you. Good luck, remember to take care of yourself mentally and physically.

Hi,again.Thank you for so many words, was reading it many times and willthinking about that . in my last relationship my my ex cheated me, so Im so insecure like hell, also I lost hair coz illness etc , I said him more times, maybe just we are .not good combination for these things.. I admire you really and also him, coz he is open and honest. I think that you guys are very Bravery both.Lots of love and peace