Something confusing is happening with a 10/10 girl

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by Mr. R, Mar 27, 2021.

  1. Mr. R

    Mr. R Fapstronaut
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    So i am 28 years old she is 21.
    I work in corrections and in prison system so we have a influx of academy students who are coming for the practice for a month and when they graduate they can work in correction facility.

    So besides my regular work i am in charge of mentoring and teaching academy students.
    This girl was assigned to me to mentor for a month.
    Normally something like this will not happen but she was different.

    And from the first day, slowly something started to build, it was natural attraction and closeness that we develop.
    She began to enjoy being close to me every chance she could while being in the office. And when we would be alone together she would open up more and talk about her life. She is rather reserved person along the others, but with me she is comfortable.

    I sensed i am getting this pull on her and liked it too, i am single. But i began to notice she is chatting to her boy friend on the computer. I was little confused. But after couple of days. When we had free days from work, we chatted through instagram and she was bored and asked me out to take a burger from donalds. We took our meals and sat in her car just chatting about our lives and it's sweet connection. I asked her, does she has a significant other. She said no but her boy friend from academy is driving her mad and she is thinking about ending the relationship. Because he is always so jealous

    So after that day we were more comfortable on work and then every other day out of work we hung out until the end of her practice. And on the last day i was holding her hand while out again and i asked her to show the place she's staying she agreed. It was a room with 2 beds. We chatted and talked again until i got tired and i said i wanna sleep here for couple of hours then head back to my own place.
    Nothing happened between us because it was too early and i respect her for it.

    On the last day i took her to pizza and we visited local dog shelter and brought them food. Then i took her back to her place, we said goodbye and i hugged her suggesting we should meet again and go for a hike or something. She agreed with that and went to pack her things and i drove home.

    So following days we chatted through facebook, she also has her studies from distance.
    It was great we shared videos of ourselves and so on. But then it began to shrunk away, all our attraction and pull and fun. She wasnt responding as much as she did before.
    And i realised that she is not breaking up with her boyfriend, she wants things to be good with him. And when i asked her for a hike again, she said she has to go to see her bf, cuz she havent been there for long. My hopes were all crushed. I did not say anything to her that indicated my sadness and dissapointment. I just sayd ok and never chatted her again.

    Then 1.5 days later she sends me a picture of the facility along with :):):) emojis indicating to me that she is in my hometown again. But i asked for how long and why didnt she hung out with me, she said she's just driving through and said she's coming back again next week and then we can possibly hang out.

    But i am more careful now for not being to into to chatting with her. She hasnt initiated any chat again, because she is spending time with her bf.

    I feel like i have green light with her in sometimes, she seems to like me and yet still wants to be together with her bf.

    if i get a second date after the first with her i am going to ask her what are we doing(dating with me) while you have a boyfriend. I think she is attracted to me, but also confused and maybe not that certain about me.
    But why would she say to me that next week she'll be back and we can go for a meal together.

    Do you think its a shitty recipe for me and i most likely get burned and heartbroken?
    Or do i just have to keep carefully yet steadily pushing on and take her.
    What would you do?
    PS i already have a crush on her.

    Sorry for the long post, but i am pretty confused, i kinda see it like lost cause but i also have a fools hope..

    Any advice or thought is appreciated and i thank you in advance!
    Best wishes

    Rauno
     
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  2. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    I think you are being shitty to the boyfriend, don't do what you don't want others do to you.

    The situation it's too ambiguous, you have to be clear about your intentions to the girl. I personally think you can not be friends of a girl, because always one of the two wants to have sex.

    Also don't let her treat you as a second hand dish, don't be an affair, tell her to dump the boyfriend and see if you two can be more close, more than friends.

    Or tell her to talk to you if she decides in the future to break up with him. But break the ambiguity of possible having something or not having it, it is not healthy and it's shitty on your part. That is bros code, bros before hoes even if you don't know the guy.

    Also girls respect more a guy with values, she will trust you more. If you are clear.
     
  3. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    No woman with a sense of self-respect and values will string a guy along while she currently has a boyfriend the way that you described. If she broke up with her boyfriend shortly after you met because she saw something great in you, then it would be great for you both. But the fact that she 1) spent that much time and did more intimate things with you and 2) complained about her boyfriend to you says that she's okay with talking about things that should be handled within the relationship. Basically, she doesn't know how to handle conflict. If her boyfriend is actually unfairly jealous, she should break up with him if it is a dealbreaker. But it's quite possible that her boyfriend is acting jealous because he can tell that she is being unfaithful/disrespectful.

    If you end up with her, it might take 3 months or 3 years, but my guess is that she'll do the same thing that she did to him, and you'll be sitting there fuming with jealousy because you know she's out with some other guy "befriending" him.

    And also, quite frankly you're in the wrong too. You should have set iron boundaries with her the moment you knew she had a boyfriend. You've already disrespected their relationship I think. You might think "all's fair", but just know that one day the other shoe will drop.

    I'm not at all discounting your attraction to her. But I think part of being a decent human being is respecting other people's relationships, and allowing them to make the decisions about whether or not they are going to end things.
     
  4. Lost_forever

    Lost_forever Fapstronaut

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    what i say will upset a lot of people but its not your fault her boyfriend can't satisfy her, that's not your problem to deal with, go for it. Now if you want a relationship with her then I would say don't do it. What kind of person would start a relationship while in another one, just having sex is one thing but being in 2 different relationships is another demon. Also make sure her boyfriend isn't crazy or he might do something to make you regret even metting this girl.
     
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  5. Chug

    Chug Fapstronaut

    Yeah, agreed. It could be possible that she’s using you for emotional connection she’s not getting from her bf. If you wanna be with her, then cut her loose; if she leaves her bf and comes back for you, you know it’s a green light. If she doesn’t come back, then it wasn’t meant to be. And also, 28 means your head is in a much different place than a 21 year old. She’s probably still trying to figure out life, so give her distance and time and just see what happens.
     
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  6. PanteriMauzer

    PanteriMauzer Fapstronaut

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    I feel sorry to her boyfriend, what she is doing to him , can also do to you once you become her bf
     
  7. ElSabio

    ElSabio Fapstronaut

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    Wait, you were her mentor and In a position of relative authority over her? If that is the case then it is unethical for you to be pursuing a relationship with her.
    If she is being dishonest with her boyfriend then she is a 0/10 not a 10/10
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2021
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  8. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    You're right that it's not his fault that her boyfriend can't satisfy her (which is just a theory btw). But it is his fault that he is doing things with a girl while she's in a relationship already. If you think it's ok for dudes (or girls) to sneak in the backdoor and cheat on each other, then I don't know if I can change your mind, but suffice it to say that I wouldn't want anyone doing that to me.
     
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  9. Mr. R

    Mr. R Fapstronaut
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    Its seems she enjoyed hanging out with me and if she was staying for longer, i believe it would have develop even more intimate.
    And now it seems i was just an comfy entertainment and emotional connection just like you said.
    I got so many mixed up signals from her that i am not sure whether i should attempt to keep on going or just give it a pause and wait for her interest to get back in touch with me. How would you cut her loose in this situation if you were me?
     
  10. Mr. R

    Mr. R Fapstronaut
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    I did this because she said she is thinking about breaking up with her bf, but in recent those signs never came. She rather tries to work things up with him and keep on going. And it seems i was just temporary person in her life.
    I am just surprised how quickly things went and how fast it went to almost no communicating with me.
     
  11. Mr. R

    Mr. R Fapstronaut
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    Thanks, this is something to do in future, i cant be a second hand dish and if she has an interest for a meetup in the future propably out of friendliness i will bring up this immediate problem.
     
  12. Mr. R

    Mr. R Fapstronaut
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    Yes you are propably right about her actions, i was a little too hopeful myself with her. It was easy for my brain to be more social, somewhat intimate with her, with a huge crush on. Because thats what i craved the most while being in the middle of my streak.
    I am pretty lonely in my social life and it makes me seek out every possible real interaction with a woman. But i did not think about the consequence and a possibility that i will get hurt, where i am totaly hurt right now.
     
  13. ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved

    ImASinnerWhoJesusSaved Fapstronaut

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    Hey, I totally get it. It's so hard to see beyond that initial attraction, especially when you're really craving some intimacy. I made that mistake with a girl before (overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn't have) and dived headfirst into what ended up being an unhealthy relationship.
     
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  14. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Is not good to date people that you have power over them. It would be better to wait until you are no longer her tutor.

    Attraction is not a choice. When 2 people are attracted everything is easy, both want to be with each other and that's it.

    Red flag.. she had a boyfriend. She is taken. She is not available to date.

    She was making it easy for you to hang out with her and seduce her. That's what woman do when they like you.

    She is basically saying.... "I have a boyfriend but I'm looking for his replacement" guess what? you are the possible replacement. She is going out with you to know if she is going to dump his boyfriend for you or not.

    Typicall nice guy behaviour.. this is going to give you a lot of blue balls in life.

    You dated this woman but never make a move on her, not even onces. You were his male friend, give her all the attention his boyfriend isn't giving her but you failed to kiss her and have fun in the bedroom with her.
    Eventually she discovered that you didn't had the balls to make a move on her, don't know nothing about seducing a woman and started to think that you weren't better than his current boyfriend so she is going to be better with him that you.

    You became more of a friend to her and this make her start to loose al the atraction she had for you. When this happens she start to see the other man in her life a little better and making her less interest in seen you.

    She figured out you weren't better than his boyfriend so she decided she would be better to be with the other guy until she finds a better replacement.

    Yeap, you are out. Now she is so busy to see you. She loose all interest in you.

    This is the rigth actitud. She don't want to speand time with you? ok, bye.. never try to be with someone that is not happy to speand time with you.

    She is treating you now just as a friend, but she is no longer willing to date you because she knows you are into her and you are probably going to make it akward because now she don't want anything with you.

    She hasn't initiated any chat with you because she lost interest in you.

    You totally had green ligth with her in the beginning. You were the replacement for his boyfriend but you failed to seduce her. You put her in a pedestal, never make a move... and eventually she figured out you didn't have a clue about seduction.
    You really had it all easy with this woman but because you didn't know what to do... you messed things up.

    Stop asking were you stand with this woman. You already know were you are.

    She was attracted to you, now she is not.

    She is keeping you in the hook. Maybe things get bad again in the future and woman love to keep man around to date. Woman like this don't want to be alone so she will keep you around just in case.

    Yeap, you really need to man up. You are the typicall beta, the nice guy that always get jerked around by woman and always finish last.

    You had your chance when she was reaching to you, asking you to hang out. Now she is not into you and if you keep pushing her she is going to be even less attracted to you.
    Learn about how attraction work... stop doing what people do in movies. Real life don't work like that.

    I know is written all over your post.

    First, she is a low value woman. She has a boyfriend but she is dating other man looking at his replacement. When she finds one she is going to dump his boyfriend or cheat on him. She have lowselft steam, people like that cannot be alone and always need a man in his life to make them feel valued. She is not girlfriend material at all, if for some reason she became your girlfriend in the future and things with you are not going the way she like them to be she is going to align a replacement for you, so she is basically going to cheat on you too. Do you want that kind of a girlfriend for you?

    Second, start to learn about seduction, how attraction work. Stop doing what movies told you to do.
    In the moment you are the typical nice guy that don't have a clue. Woman don't like nice guys, woman love that take risk and go for what they want. This woman knew that you were into her but you dated her but never made a move on her. You think you were respectfull to her but in here eyes you were just weak and turned her off. She was really into you, the same way you were to her but you acted like a beta male and turned her off.

    What would I do in you place? first keep it professional while been his tutor. Once that is over I will tell her to let me know when she is free (no boyfriend around) so that we can go on a date but leave things at that... no more talking.. the worst you can do it to keep yourself in friendzone while she is taken.

    If she suggest to date while she is still with his boyfriend I would know rigth away that she is a cheater and if I want to I will ask her out just to have fun and some sex.. she is not girlfriend material so I wouldn't waste time and money in a woman that is low value. If she wants to have fun at my place from time to time is ok by me.
    If she broke up with his boyfriend and reach out to me I would start to date her properly, she showed that she is capable to be alone and in the future is probably that she is not going to cheat on me when things go south. Her value is not shown yet but you can decide that while you date her.

    What to do now in yout situation?
    Move on, she is still taken, she showed to you that she is looking for a replacement so she is probably a cheater. She would definitively would cheat on him with you if you were a little more risky in your approach to her. She si low value, she have no integrity. She is just friends with benefits material, no girlfriend material. You have a crush with her so I really recomend you to move on. She is not the rigth woman for you.

    If you still want to have something with her.. she is taken rigth now, she is not wanting to see you, she is with his boyfriend rigth now. Every time you asked her out she make and excuse not to do it. Let her be... don't talk to her, don't initiate more conversations with her. In the meantime read about seduccion, about attraction and how to behave more like a alpha male. You are still a beta male and that's why she was turned off, she can recognize the alpha from the beta and of course they always choose the alpha.

    Let say she contact you in a couple of weeks, ask her if she still have a boyfriend. If she still have it let her know that you are not longer interested in been just his friend and you should stop talking to each other but she is free to contact you when things are done with his boyfriend in order to start dating properly.

    Lets say that she contact you and she is no longer taken, she broke up with his boyfriend.
    Ask her out, go out on a date with her to have fun and at the end of the night go for the kiss. Make your move, show her with your actions that you want something romantic with her and let her choose if she want that or not.
    If she kiss you back that's great, it's what we are looking for, keep dating her. If she turn her head and give you the cheek or a hugh, that friendship... as you stated friendship is no longer an option. Or she is into kissing and touching (eventually sex) or you are out.

    Go after what you want without fear, if she is not willing to give it to you, then walk away and look for another woman that is willing to give it to you.
     
  15. date her boyfriend to make her jelaous
     
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  16. Mr. R

    Mr. R Fapstronaut
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    Man i appreciate your dedicated analysis about my situation.
    I consider your ideas great and adobt them in my future possible encounters with her.

    Explaining more about my thoughts in this - i did not really wanted to make a move on her while she was under my tutorship, it think it makes me seen as someone who uses this position to possibly harass women if they are not interested in me. But in this case i was certainly thinking about warming her up and after the tutor program is over i am in a more comfortable position to do some more intimate dating with her and woo her even more.

    But also as i am in the middle of my streak i rather try to avoid any behaviour that leads to intimacy and sex with women, because of my ED at least until my 90 days and some are over. And even then i am not very keen into starting to chase women, getting my life in order and pursuing my goals are so much more attractive and if i meet with a new girl along this way i would not have to reject and hold my self back from freely dating and doing more with a girl if we are attracted to each other.

    But with her, i agree i was a pussy and a beta. I feel now i should have made some move with her, but my fears of falling back to my PMO addiction held me back from this, though i feel i would have not fallen into this with her, because feelings were so real and that's what my brain was looking for: to socialise and connect more with people and seeing those points of interests from her made it easy to get attached to her. I was foolishly hopeful like a boy who got a taste of attraction but did not do anything with it.

    I just wanted to take it steady with her and see where it ultimately goes, at that moment i believed that to be the best way, cuz i am kinda not ready for relationship. And because of that thinking i did not fearlessly and without shame pursue her and make a move while opportunity came. And propably assisted by my inexperience with those moments. All of my previous encounters with other women were out of the blue very little attracting and flirting if at all. They fell for me fast but i did not like that. Almost like i did not have to do anything to get this woman to fall for me and i am not very interested on her because of that.
     
  17. brassknucks

    brassknucks Fapstronaut

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    This chic sounds like she's the type to hook up despite the fact that shes got a boyfriend.
     
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  18. Mr. R

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    I would have certainly get serious with her after her dumping her bf.
    Thats why i did not do anything while she still has something with him.

    Yeah we seemed to have enjoyed just some flirt and exitement while she was here. But now back to reality and it seems she thinks it was just a passing thing.
    But thinking back i seemed to have some opportunities with her to make a move and i kinda regret it now that i did not made any of them.
    Now i am just mad at myself for letting her pass without something happening.
    I know about the bro code, but if she says that kind of thing, then why should i hold myself back.
     
  19. modern milarepa

    modern milarepa Fapstronaut

    Bro let her go, there is always someone better. What's so special about this girl anyways? Her looks? That is all she has to offer imo. If that is all you care then you are going to get hit in the balls a lot in life.
     
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  20. amen to that
     
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