Something has to give

Hmmmm....where do I start?

I've been using open to mask an issue that I've put in the back of my mind for about 10 years now. I am happily married for going on 12 years, have an amazing family (2 kids and my wife), great friends, run a successful medical marijuana business, and have it better then most. So, what am I running from?

It started when I was a kid. My sister molested me for years. She forced me and the neighbor kids to do things to her and each other (she is 10 years older then me). We were always threatened not to say anything, or "bought off", or told "I'm doing this because you are special to me, and if anyone finds out, you'll never see me again". Then 1 day, it stopped. She got married and moved out. It was never talked about again.

I became that fat kid in school, always picked on, sucked at athletics, but crushed it in video games. I stuck with that and still do game. It was my outlet. Dropped outta high school, got my GED, then broke my back at a job that screwed me up. Several surgeries later, it got better, but not enough to hold down a fulltime job.

At 21, i found my dad in the garage dead (he suffered from ptsd and commited suicide). At the age of 23, I got married and divorced by 25, then found the love of my life at 26 (she's 5 years younger). Married a year later. We had it rough financially. Had trouble working, put her through nursing school, then the anxiety attacks hit. I couldn't leave the house. I was frozen and didn't understand what was happening. Finally, went to see a therapist. He helped me out a great deal. That's when I found out that using porno and masturbation helped me to not focus on the pain and anxiety. It wasn't bad...maybe once a week.....My wife and I had a very active sex life.

Then our kids were born (18 months apart) and my life changed forever. They were my world and still are. They gave me purpose. Gave me a reason to get up every morning and to make a life for them. So, I started a holistic company that became very successful. We traveled the country and we changed people's lives. My kids wanted for not. My wife came to work with me full time as well. We were living the American dream. Then it all came crashing down.

We moved my mother in with us due to the fact that it had been 13 years since my dad's passing and her health was declining. She lived in a trailer next to my sister's home (our childhood home) that my mom continued to live in till I moved out and then gave it to my sister and paid the mortgage on it for her. My sister was furious, to say the least, that we took her "cash cow" away from her (albeit, we only lived 10 minutes away). She was telling everyone that I was abusive, mean, a drunk....then the big one...that I was a pedophile. I flipped out! She started accusing me of everything that she had ever done to me.

Fast forward 3 months and I get an apology. Her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer and she needed help. She was gonna lose our childhood home, and didn't want to be there because of all the "bad memories" (ironic, huh?). I buckled because my mother always felt bad for her and she always put my mom on a guilt trip. I did it for my mom.

So, we switched homes, I paid the mortgage on both, then hired my sister and paid her a cash only hefty wage. All was well. I dumped about 40 grand in the house and made it the way my mom and dad always talked about making it. She, and my family, were happy.

Then, my brother in law died.

We took in her 2 kids while she did whatever it was that she had to do to cope. When she came back, she had a new guy...strange...but, who am I to judge. Never had been in her unique situation. Then stories started coming in. People who knew this guy started telling me he was a convicted pedophile. And, low and behold, I got a hold of his rapsheet (buddy of mine is a cop). He was.
When I asked her if she knew, she said yes and that I didn't know the whole story and he was set up. But, after getting the court transcripts, he videoed himself molesting his own 8 year old daughter. And to boot, found out she was cheating on my brother in law while he was dying. Even ran offnof have sex with guy have way through his showing at the funeral.

She flipped out! Told me she wanted me out of the house, she was gonna burn mine to the ground. Threatened to kidnap my kids, DEA showed up at my house saying they had reports that I was smuggling drugs from around the country (that was all laughed at when they seen everything of what we down for a living)....You name it, she said it. Went on Facebook and told people I kicked her outnof my house and made her and her kids sleep in cars....it was horrible.

So, we moved to another state to get away. The harassment continued. We got a letter in the mail one day from her with a white powdery substance. I called the cops, and in tyrn i had them, the fire department, Hazmat teams, and the FBI at my house. New to the neighborhood too. Sure the neighbors loved that. December of that year, she called 32 times and left voicemails flipping out. Saying she wanted to talk to my mom and if not, she was gonna post that I was a pedophile and all it takes is an accusation. Went to the cops, the prosecutor sent her a letter telling her to knock it off or she would be arrested.

It got worse. In December of 2016, we get a call from child protective services saying they needed to speak to my kids and my wife and I. I knew it was her again. They came, we told them what had been going on for 2 years, and that's when the bombshell hit....she said my wife and I molested her daughter and my nephew (my brother was going through a divorce and my sister told him she heard i was gonna testify on his exes behalf so she would get custody). We were investigated by 3 agencies from CPS and 2 Sheriffs departments. We took 2 lie detector tests by 2 different independent people, all found to be truthful. It took 4 months for all of it to end. Prosecutor and the cops apologized for any undue stress i was under and hoped i could find peace (yeah...easier said then done) 10 grand in attorneys fees, anxiety attacks, depression, scared.....id rather be accused of murder then that.

Once it calmed down (and it has been for over a year now), my porno addiction and masturbation has climbed to a fever pitch. The memories of everything that monster did to me came flooding back. It was my only escape. Then the #metoo movement hit. It only made things worse.

So, here I am. Still alive. Still kicking. But, beaten down....bad. Lowest point in my life. I have to try and end the porn and masturbation. My wife feels like shes not enough for me. That shes the issue. I finally told her about what my sister did to me and now i think she feels the need to make excuses for me now.

What do I do and where do I go from here?

Thanks for listening

 

Thank you. This is my first time in any forum. Trolled this one for awhile and decided it's now or never.

 

Thank you! It's a daily struggle. I embrace my family and they give me the strength. I plan on getting back to the gym, gonna pick up meditation, but I tried the therapy route for this. Didn't work for me. These are things that I have to figure out. I have identified the problems myself. Only i can fix them.

I'm a proud man. I've gone above and beyond trying to figure out why all this has happened. It's pointless. Doesn't solve anything. Just keeps drudging up the past.

The only vices that I have now is smoking (which I will quit...eventually) and the porn and masturbation. The latter 2 being more destructive then the first. I gave up drinking all together. Not that I was an alcoholic, but the previous year when all this went down, I drank to forget...maybe once or twice a week, but it was in excess. Not a drop of alcohol in 3 months. I can do this. If I have survived my life up to this point, doing PMO should be a cake walk, right? Lol

Thank you for the encouraging words. My handle is something I fought long and hard about using and because I chose to use it, I will look back on my journey and see that as a reminder of how bad and destructive my behavior with P and M was.

Question for those out there with an SO....how does PMO work for you with your SO?

 

My wife has been very supportive as well (thankful for that). She had always been there for me and I believe she will be my rock in all of this.

I guess I phrased the question wrong....with the PMO, how does that work with encounters with my wife? Are we allowed to be intimate or do I have to do this reboot in hardcore that I've been reading about?

Or, do I structure my reboot to what I feel I need?

 

Thanks for the input. It's hard when you have an SO. We have decided that sexual contact is okay, just stopped P and M. But, doing 2 weeks first with nothing. After a lot of research, I believe that experiencing the "the flatline" is a good thing. I'm going to wait for that before we attempt any sexual contact. To me, it seems, the flatline is the perfect time to try intimacy with my SO. Your at a time where everything is rebooting then (think of the dead time when you restart your computer to get in to DOS to make changes to your system). I think that may be a good time to start.

I'll let everyone know how it goes.

Oh...should I start my experiences and log in this thread or start a new one?

 

Thank you for the words of support! My life has made me who I am today...good and bad.

I do believe this should be a case by case scenario. I'm gonna try somethings differently then anyone else. Relapses in any addiction are common when you set long term goals. I'm just gonna do it and see where this goes.

Thanks again for the kind words.

 

I will get cracking on that as soon as my days aren't so hectic so far, so good!