Soon to be 40 year old virgin, failed as a man, what am I??

Discussion in 'Loneliness' started by Deleted Account, Aug 28, 2019.

  1. I will turn 40 next year. I'm still a virgin. I can't see myself living much past 40 if I remain one, so I decided to see a prostitute, something I swore I'd never do. I paid $200 just so I could hold back vomit when I smelled her, and for her to look confused and then disgusted as I failed to get erect and then started sobbing. Most men my age lost their virginity probably 25 years ago, and here I am, a absolute JOKE. I feel nothing but humiliation and shame at what a failure I am. Porn is all I have now, since I'm far too old to be normal. But I want to be rid of it. If I'm to die a virgin I at the very least want to die as a MAN, not a boy addicted to masturbation and porn. PLAESE HELP ME
     
  2. Breadman

    Breadman Fapstronaut

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    I’m sorry you feel so bad about being a virgin and masturbating but truly you are a good guy. I wish I had stayed a virgin longer. Maybe work on your self respect and your value to others. Volunteer maybe and meet people with similar interests. And remember there is professional help if you need more than that. Please take care of yourself.
     
  3. need4realchg

    need4realchg Fapstronaut

    How can I help bro?

    Okay you are 40... virgin ... you have an awesome movie made in your honor.

    Do you have friends?

    Are you in or outside the USA?
     
    Robinthehood and Enwar like this.
  4. JakeWoods

    JakeWoods Fapstronaut

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    Man I understand how you feel to some degree. I lost my virginity at the age of 22. Which I felt was rather late, considering my friends were getting laid at like 15,16,17...
    When people would ask me if I had sex yet, at first I felt ashamed, embarrassed... I used to even lie and say that I wasn’t a virgin. but then I just said “fuck it” and I owned it. The less power you let it have over you, the less it will affect you.

    Turns out that it doesn’t matter how old you are.

    What is bothering you about being a virgin?

    Is it because you feel less of a man? I can assure you that being a virgin doesn’t make you less of a man.

    I think that you’re letting this whole thing get to you. You're making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be. You just gotta own that shit man. You need to get out of your own head.

    For us to help you, you have to tell us why you’re feeling this way? Why do you think you’re a virgin? Tell us the problem so we can help you tackle it.
     
  5. Fordie

    Fordie Fapstronaut

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    I'm 38 and a virgin. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, the only thing that bothers me now is this addiction.
     
  6. StonePlacidity

    StonePlacidity Fapstronaut

    virgin is not a shame. virgin is not a shame. virgin is not a shame. I have to repeat this 3 times because it is important, also having sex doesn't make you a man. It is your mind that makes you a man
     
  7. HumanFurniture

    HumanFurniture Fapstronaut

    36 year old virgin here. Still haven't reached that milestone. In some ways, fear having sex. My body is repulsive. I have bad bulging varicose veins, stria, crepe paper skin from weight loss and I'm still overweight. With me, the prostitute would be the one vomiting.

    But yeah, I'm way behind too. But at this point I'm losing concern. Things are just really too far behind to really get that worried about it anymore. The things I planned when I was a teenager as far as getting a girlfriend and having a family look like some fantasy out of a book. I'm still trying. I am doing nofap, but that's like a last resort. While I'm giving it all I've got, I'm not expecting a whole lot to change.
     
  8. SirErnest

    SirErnest Fapstronaut

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    Most sex I've had has been due to alcohol or loneliness I think so it's not always that great.
    The reason you are here is because you want to improve, so just work on cutting out the porn and wanking for now. One step at a time...
    We have a pretty sex-obsessed culture anyway and it's not always healthy.
     
    newtry and koolpal like this.
  9. Angus McGyver

    Angus McGyver Fapstronaut

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    As the other members above have already pointed out, that "virgin"-label it is all in your own head and mind!!
    Although I have very little experience myself (at age 31), I don't let that fact impede me, my person, character, manliness, etc. Those facts alone do indeed make me more of a man than most men since I stand my ground and don't deviate from my beliefs, values, opinions and perceptions.
    Also, I am quite uncomfortable sleeping with women I don't know or have any connection to (the thought disgust me) so I wouldn't gain anything by sleeping around.
    Contrary to what you might believe, people do in fact not value you because of your previous bedroom experiences but more on your character, actions and contributions to the community and this world. That's why most people feel quite comfortable around me and appreciate my company since I have the integrity, stand by my beliefs (even when not popular) and don't pretend to be someone I am not.

    Most men these days are very conformist and do almost anything to fit in by mainstream society's standards so going your own way, keeping the calm and not letting anyone's labeling get you because of it is a sign of strength, not weakness.
     
  10. You are not a failure. It is all mental, a smile, and confidence is just over the horizon and you simply need to see yourself as the person you want to be. Progressing from there will be easy
     
    Asgardian36, koolpal and need4realchg like this.
  11. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    i would rather be a virgin than sleeping around
     
  12. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    I really empthasizs with you and feel sorry for you. But your lust and P is the reason why you remained virgin.

    Read As a Man thinketh, it will explain why you are where you are. It wasn’t your lot in life, but your choices and wrong thoughts that caused you to sink. The good news is that upon reading and realizing, you can change your situation. If you continue down the P road, you will die. Lust is sin and sin only leads to death.

    Good luck and i’m sorry. i hope you fare better. Don’t go back to P. It’s what took everything from you
    https://wahiduddin.net/thinketh/as_a_man_thinketh.pdf
     
  13. It is as goodnice says. It is the lust that is devouring you, surrounding your ability to speak to women and begin connections with each one. I had many opportunities with various women, all nice women in personality or other, but my lust took over and was too strong making me incapable of saying anything. I only thought of the sex I’d have and ended up just dreaming instead of taking action, I could have a girlfriend. But as you and I; lust and insecurity are governing our personalities.

    Stop thinking, take a step of faith. And speak to whomever takes your fancy. I will also try the same, a battle many of us are fighting my friend. Keep faith, hope for the best, and be you

    Listen. The more you spend your time thinking, the more reasons you create that will stop you from saying yes and going ahead
     
  14. Harry Pottery

    Harry Pottery Fapstronaut

    Sex is overrated. Women are distracting. What counts are relationships.

    Consider that you might be putting your focus on the wrong issue.
     
    Ajax_SC, safa61947, Enwar and 5 others like this.
  15. It's never too late for anything to happen as long as you are above ground and breathing, and porn is not the only thing you can have. You are capable of change...that's why you are here, right? You're still a virgin...so what. Own it, but don't let it define you. Don't be that 0.0001% person though who says on the first date he is a virgin lol. But don't lie about it either (that always blows up in your face). I am 33, still a virgin, and very inexperienced with women. I have my reasons. It used to bother me but not anymore. I am working on being the best version of myself that I can be, which involves removing all of this negativity I have gotten myself into over the years. Contrary to what you think society desires, there are still women out there who value men with character, integrity, and all of the other positive attributes. That's what makes a man...not how many times he has had sex. Those women may be few and far between, but I work to keep a positive attitude about it and believe that the right person will see my "unique" position as a really great thing. In the meantime, I work on myself and try to make a difference in others' lives. We all should be doing that, and if you need to seek some outside help to work through your issues, please do so.
     
  16. goodnice 2.0

    goodnice 2.0 Fapstronaut

    Yes countless times this happened to me too. If you are PMOing you will always feel beneath and unworthy of beautiful girls. You’ll put them on a pedestal and just be thinking about how you wanna do them.

    The sad reality i realized awhile ago is that the more you get off to girls in P, the less likely you will get beautiful girls irl.

    I imagine there are so many missed opportunities simply because your heart and thoughts are in the wrong place. Girls can sense bad vibes from you and know instinctively to stay away
     
  17. letter

    letter Distinguished Fapstronaut

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    My Journal
    Sleeping with a woman does not improve your worth to anyone but crass jocks and try-hard wannabes — you know the type.

    Become someone you can admire. You can do that. Quitting porn is a good first step. You can do that.
     
  18. thorswrath32

    thorswrath32 Fapstronaut

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    I know how you feel and i think most men have been through this at some point, especially growing up as a teen or young adult, the pressure and expectations can be immense.

    Whilst i'm not a virgin, it has been over 13 years since i was intimate with a woman and i feel much like a virgin today, particularly when it comes down to my anxiety around women.

    I think you place far too much value on the virginity thing. As someone else said your focus should be more about relationships, since we all have to forge a relationship before any sort of physical intimacy...i mean even a one night stand requires you both to communicate your intentions.

    Sometimes in order to grow we need to make hard choices and force ourselves out of our comfort zone...i imagine your comfort zone or shell is what protects you from the fear of rejection as does mine, but i know if i ever were to get serious about dating again i would have to learn to take the rough with the smooth.

    A lot of guys who appear to have sex all the time or seem to be always in a relationship tend to deal better with rejection...however, people who sleep around struggle with commitment and loyalty which are two pillars of a good relationship.
     
    Despicable me likes this.
  19. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    During the majority of your life, I don't believe that you've actually had a strong commitment / resolve / intention to have sex. Maybe you've dabbled and dipped your toe in the water once in a while, but never really jumped in the deep end. Never really put enough effort towards the necessary process and risks that would cause your desired result.

    To have want you want you have to sacrifice short term emotions for the sake of long term outcomes. You have to be willing to experience intense emotional volatility by going beyond your current competence / confidence / comfort zone / experience level. I don't believe you've done that because of the way you talk about yourself. It's much easier to beat yourself up, stay a victim, and self sabotage by calling yourself a failed man than it is to actually do something about your situation. It's much easier to stay a failure than it is to challenge something uncertain, unideal, and full of adversity.

    Porn addicts have a tendency to neglect the problems of reality for the sake of certain and easy instant gratification escapism. I'm pretty sure you've devoted 80% of your efforts towards porn and 20% (dabbling) into actual relationships and having sex. Why? Because it's easier and comfortable. Because reality is scary and hard.

    Once in a while throughout your life you realize that reality is not where you want it to be and it builds up stress within you. More stress equals more escapism to release that tension. More release of tension equals more neglect of the problems in your reality. Before you knew it, 20-30 years went by. Now your goal to stop being a virgin has become an impossible mountain to climb in your mind. Instead of doing what you know you should be doing to get the long term outcomes that you want, you focus on your short term emotions of releasing stress and feeling better via porn. All you really have to do is start climbing the mountain. Which is what you should have done from the beginning before you started escaping the problem.

    So your current problem is that you're 39 and you want to have sex. You can start having a strong commitment / resolve / intention towards that goal by jumping in the deep end of the pool and experiencing intense emotional volatility.... or you can continue to feel good / comfortable with porn and eventually realize that you've become 50 years old.... 60 years old... 90 years old... and that you've never once tried to really start climbing the mountain.

    I hope you get exactly what you want (sex)... so that you can quickly realize that there's better things to desire in life (deeper relationships / connection / community / people who are excited to receive what you have to offer and are excited to give you what you want).

    Your problem isn't that you're a virgin. It's that you self sabotage by escaping your problems. You don't really want to stop being a virgin because that would mean facing unideal / uncertain / difficult problems that are beyond your current comfort / experience / competence / confidence. If you truly wanted to stop being a virgin, you would stop calling yourself a failed man (self sabotage in order to escape your responsibilities) and start doing things that might not work.
     
    Drew15, Ajax_SC, safa61947 and 3 others like this.
  20. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    More on creating an impossible mountain to climb in your mind =

    You've built up such great importance on this desire to stop being a virgin. So much limiting beliefs / getting in your own way / fear / stress / worry / doubts / dis-ease / tension / depression surrounding it. You've created a huge counter productive energy that you have to overcome before even getting started as opposed to just getting started without all of that draining your energy.

    Basically you're making it way harder than it needs to be. You create a great surge of scarcity that you have to overcome before even getting to the startling line.

    This negative energy affects all areas of your life and especially how you interact with others.

    You have to accept where you're at and work towards where you want to be without all the excess bullshit that you've chosen to hold on to. Anything else is just excess counter productive energy that you use to self sabotage (scare yourself away from taking a strong committed action).
     

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