Sorry but I have to ask you this.

Discussion in 'Dating during a Reboot' started by El_solo4d, Jun 20, 2020.

  1. El_solo4d

    El_solo4d Fapstronaut

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    I am a 28 yo virgin. Main is reason is because I've always been introverted without friends and I had low self-esteem.
    I think my self-esteem is much better now. Things like having jobs, working out, ageing, etc, increase confidence and self-esteem.

    I am trying nofap to increase my will power and get rid of porn shit. I feel like this is my current main goal in life. Then I will try to improve my skills with women (I literally have 0 skills with women but this doesn't bother me)

    What bothers me is that I see online (this forum, reddit, 4chan, whatever) many guys saying that it is so hard to find girls. I always get a bit discouraged and depressed when I read their stories. If they are in their early 20's and can't get girls, how will I do better than them? Really, their stories are so discouraging and kill my motivation. I know that they are just asking for help and sometimes letting it off their chest, but...

    Then what I see in reality is different. Example: I have this two family members. One 27 and other 32.
    The 27 one went to a new town. He didn't have friends there. Only a low paying job. And in just two months he found a gf. Then they broke up, and like two months later he had a new gf. I don't think he is good looking. He doesn't have a great job. And he doesn't have a lot of money. And still he managed to have two gf's in a space of 3-4 months in a new town.

    The 32 one went abroad to UK to do a PhD on something. The guy was single for a long time. And he found a british girlfriend there. Both these guys found gf's in situations where they were lonely.

    I also know some "friends" (they are not real friends, just people that I talk once a year or something, I have 0 real friends as well) that are like this. They make it look so easy to have a gf.
    Do you know what some of them think of me? They think I am gay. Not a loser or a failure. But simply gay because I never had a gf. On their mind having a gf is so easy that only gay people won't have one.


    Other thing about incels and some people on this forum. They say that pretty girls just want very good-looking guys and so on and so forth. Then why on earth I see many guys that aren't that good-looking with pretty girls? Really, I would like to understand these people (incels). And I am fucking 28 yo virgin.


    So, what am I missing here? Why some guys make it look so simple? If it is not the looks, the money, what it is? As far as I know, these people aren't gurus, they are not super charming or super clever. They are not rich.

    I am sorry for my English and If I was a bit aggressive with my words. Not my intention to offend anyone.
     
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  2. elevate

    elevate Fapstronaut

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    How many women or people in general have you met or tried to meet lately? Today / this week / this month / this year? How many have you asked out on a date? How often do you take risks that relate to your goal of being in a relationship? How many rejections have you gone through? What activities do you do in a regular basis that allows you to be around people on a daily or weekly basis?

    Answer those questions and ask yourself if those numbers are really enough of an effort and commitment for you to be complaining about not being in a relationship.

    My assumption is that you're just waiting around for something to happen without you actually taking a risk on a regular basis while being envious of other people's success.

    The people who are the most successful in relationships are those that are comfortable with getting hurt / things not going their way / being rejected / trying new things / meeting new people / making mistakes. Not the ones who avoid those things.

    You have no right to complain about your results if you can't honestly tell me you've done everything you could possibly do and put yourself on the line on a regular basis.
     
  3. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Confidence and the balls to go and talk to girls despite the fear of rejection. You have to go thru alot of no to finally get a few yes.
    Go out and talk to girls, out of one hundred you are only going to sleep with 3/4 of them and maybe one of them could end up been your girlfriend.

    Work on your confidence and seduction skills. Talk to a lot of woman, in person and online, and eventually you will get a decent girl to date.
     
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  4. El_solo4d

    El_solo4d Fapstronaut

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    Ok but this is not about me. But you are right. I've never done anything to meet/get girls. I am thinking of doing it when I sort some bad habits in my life.
    But then I read the stories about many lonely guys that are even in better situations than I am, and they just complain and complain and say that it is impossible to find girls.
    Are these guys just whiners? Because they contradict what you said.
    In reality things don't look so bad. I am not envious of other people's success. I just would like to know why so many guys experience completely different things.
     
  5. El_solo4d

    El_solo4d Fapstronaut

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    Ok, so in your perspective, what separates a successful (dating terms) guy than a guy that just complains is getting the balls to talk to women.
    This doesn't seem so complicated to me. I have never done anything to get women because I focused a lot on studies and work.
    But on this forum you can see a lot of guys that say that finding a gf is almost impossible.
     
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  6. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    ask them what they did to have a girl. Ask them what they can bring to the table that is more valuable than other man in order to get girl to choose him over other mans.
    The best way to get woman is to be their best option. Once you became that man you just need to go out and have the balls to talk to woman.
     
  7. Paulie G.

    Paulie G. Fapstronaut

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    Haha could be me you were talking about. Sometimes I feel a bit depressed and i write desperate things, later i'm embarassed for what i've written :D So i thought maybe i give you my perspective.

    It's not equally difficult for everyone. Of course there are people (like the family members you've mentioned) that are just good with women naturally. They had a great father or that kind of circle of friends that introduced them into "the game". It's true that dating is very easy for them, probably almost as easy as for women. Plus only the fact that they have women make them even more attractive for other women. It's like with money: The rich get richer, the poor stay poor. You can still make a million $ if you are poor, but you have to put in a lot more work than someone that has already 100 million $, he is going to make a million off of interest in 2 months sitting on his ass.

    So I think you can learn how to be good with women, but man it's hard (for me at least). What @elevate and @p1n1983 said is true. In the end it's a numbers game. The more women you ask out, the more chances you will have. If my life depended on it, I could approach girls too (probably) and get a girlfriend. Yet I don't know how many hours i spent walking around in the city, trying to approach girls. I couldn't go past asking for directions.

    The problem is in your mind it looks very easy: you see a women, go up to her and say "Hello".
    In reality it's very different. Most of the time women are with someone else, if they are not there are other people around that would hear you. And most of the time she is walking somewhere, so probably she wouldn't even stop to talk to you, etc... I always think, "I'm such a Pussy, next time when i am out i grab my balls and just do it!" But when I'm out there i can't do it. My mind comes up with so many excuses and I just want to go home.

    My point is: You need to try it out for yourself. Maybe it will be easy for you. And it depends on what kind of method you use too. You can use online dating or go to bars/clubs and let alcohol do the trick, that's probably easier, but has it's downsides too. Or maybe you get lucky and meet someone in your job/hobby whatever. But you can't really count on that and the problem is if you have no experience you can't make anything out of that either.

    So don't let these posts discourage you. It's possible to improve in that regard and i think many guys have done it. And looks/money really doesn't matter that much, it's all about social skills. Just don't make the mistake of overthinking these things like i do all the time, just turn your brain off and do it. I will keep pushing too, maybe i will get there eventually. Good luck to you.
     
  8. El_solo4d

    El_solo4d Fapstronaut

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    It is good to know your perspective. After all, we humans are all different and we will experience everything differently.
    And thanks for your advice. As I said I have 0 experience with women. But few years ago I had no social skills with people in general.
    I feel like getting different jobs, moving to new cities, helped me a lot to interact with people. Now my general social skills are much better.
    So I agree with you, this is a matter of getting out there and learn. And one of the best ways to learn is by making mistakes.

    But maybe I am wrong and talking to girls will prove to be very difficult for me.
     
  9. El_solo4d

    El_solo4d Fapstronaut

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    I cannot fully agree with this.
    What is the definition of best option? When do I know that I became their best option?
    There will always be a guy out there more intelligent, smarter, more handsome than me. But there won't be a guy out there like me, because each of us are unique and different. Maybe there are girls that like shy guys. Maybe there are girls that like skinny guys. Maybe there are girls that like dumb guys.

    My point iis, I don't believe that you need to be the best version of yourself to have a gf. And you can clearly see many guys that are not successful nor handsome that get gf's easily.
     
  10. Ekalb

    Ekalb Fapstronaut
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    It is not hard to talk to women. The first step is knowing and loving ALL of yourself. Most of the times I was rejected, I learned that I was too powerful for these “women”. You must know and love yourself for who you are. No one else can. As far as these ‘players’ they are weak. Look at your example, a boy that is wasting his life on girls. No good job, well thats a no brainer. Don’t worry about impressing anyone but yourself. Trust me.
     
  11. p1n1983

    p1n1983 Fapstronaut

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    Off course! but is not about to just get a crapy girlfriend. You want a high quality woman, a woman in her best version, a woman that will push you forward and don't hold you back in her mediocrity. To have the best chances to get one of those you need to be in your best version. When you are in your best version you can attract every kind of girl, girls in their best version and the ones that don't. If you are not in your best version you are only going to attract the second ones. A girl in her best version won't waste her time with a man that don't have his shit together.
     
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  12. black_coyote

    black_coyote Fapstronaut

    Models: Attract Women Through Honesty
    Book by Mark Manson

    Find this book man, read this.
     
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  13. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    Agree with this guy^ it's the modern guide to getting your situation together.

    It'll guide you through relevant solutions. And once you start getting parts of your life back in shape, your natural swagger shall return. But women won't just fall into your arms, it's your job to make things happen. It'll all start to make sense. Seriously, read that book!
     
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  14. JoshuaGraham

    JoshuaGraham Temporarily Suspended

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    Bro your post is tl;dr but I read the bit that was something like "skills with women" and you said that your skill is at 0.
    May I ask what skills with women are? Because I honestly have no clue what that even means?
     
  15. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

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    You are not alone in this. I also have 0 experience with dating. If you read things online you see only misery and struggle, things like 'Women only want tall guys, women only want rich guys, women only want buffed-ripped alpha bullies' or combination of those things. And yet I see women with ugly, overweight, short guys all the time, walking down the street with their many children. Where is the truth? I say it cannot be proved without engaging in dating first. We should try ourselves and see who is right - the internet or our own eyes and minds.
     
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  16. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

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    I don't believe in what I read online and I know that all of that is not true. But I used to. The fact is the fact - spending your life online affects the way you see the world. See enough bullshit posts like I mentioned and your brain will be convinced in truthfulness. The only way to disprove it for yourself is to engage more in real life and see things as they really are, not as they are described by others.
     
  17. JoshuaGraham

    JoshuaGraham Temporarily Suspended

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    Still curious where you read them.
     
  18. Мобильный

    Мобильный Fapstronaut

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    In the places where virgins and losers share their pains. Didn't see them that way when I frequented them though.
     
  19. Reborn16

    Reborn16 Fapstronaut

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    I've noticed the same trends. Many guys online will complain about looks, money, or a rental Lamborghini is what's needed to get a girlfriend. And then you walk through the city and see a diverse range of couples.

    I'd guess these guys aren't in their own bubble, wondering if people think they're good enough. And then they go out and take more chances, because they're not wondering what people think too much. And eventually something sticks.
     
  20. rob13_

    rob13_ Fapstronaut

    The people complaining online are doing so for a reason my man. Dating is difficult yes, but it's not impossibly difficult like the internet will have you believe. Put yourself out there and you will have success.
     

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