SOS Fapstranaught in Distress

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by jager, Aug 7, 2020.

  1. I keep failing nofap. Even before nofap I was trying to stop fapping. Ever since I started doing it at 10 years old I always tried to stop myself from jerking off. Nothing helps me. I have reached the point where I have tried absolutely everything; Blockers (some of which I paid £ for) getting rid of my smartphone, Cold showers, fasting, exercise, praying to God, meditation, eating healthy, deleting social media, putting devices in other rooms, wearing underwear to bed, distractions, creative endeavours, reading, telling someone (in my case my mum and my dad), seeing a Councillor (didn't tell her about my addiction because she was a woman and I didnt feel the need to), mind tricks like urge surfing, emotion processing and STAR, surfing these forums and the internet, being religious, staying in contact with an AP on here for 2 years straight, tracking my progress on an excel chart, I have been through two online recovery programs which cost me £, I have watched countless YouTube videos on the topic.

    I have concluded I am severely addicted to PMO and MO. If I dont PMO then I find it difficult to get through the night time without MO. It pisses me off in the morning when I have yet another cum stain on my bed-sheets and I have to take a shower. It would piss anyone off when this has happened to them for more than half their life. If I have blockers I find a way around them or I fap to pics of girls I know/used to know and fap to at school. I am a VG Can never get a GF because they are haram, But I have no idea how to make a true friend let alone a GF because I have been moving house all my life (thanks mum and dad, I have lived in 11 different houses in my life and 6 cities and 4 countries).

    I started finding girls attractive at age 7 used to fantasise way back then (is that even normal) first MO to O at age 10 was hooked to it and was doing it daily/multiple x per day, found P age 11 then it got worse. Brought my own smartphone at age 13 because I was already bullied when everyone had one at school. All the time trying not to do PMO. Started researching harmful effects age 14, because I was a loser at school and I realised it was because of what my hands had literally earned. Age 16 joined nofap and found an AP here, some success but nothing major.

    Moved back to my home country, committed myself to never fapping again. lasted 6 days, got so pissed off I smashed my smartphone. Then my easymode streaks started rising 20 day, 30 days , 40 days got to the high point at 56 days. Hardmode streaks were harder though (surprise) and record was 9 days but on average it was like 3 days between MOs. At 56 days easymode Found PMO repulsive and hadnt had p urges for days. Felt good. But then guess what? relapsed again.

    Then my streaks got shorter. moved house again and begun binging because I really missed my old city and all the people I had met and the things I had done. Started watching fetish crap again aswell. I had to look forward to going to uni full time (with a commute of 1.5 hours) having to work a hugely stressful supermarket job to get £9,250 a year to pay my student fees which the British government takes a away from its own citizens and gives the money to foreigners, immigrants and refugees . Cant get a Loan because my parents said no and it is haram in my religion. I want to finish my degree early. I want to get this phase of my life out of the way ASAP and move on to a settled life and do things which are good. I miss being able to plan my week and have a routine all the time.
    Everything feels stressful but it wouldn't be so bad if I could just stop fapping.

    Recently the last year I have been binging. The last good streak I had was a year ago, went 28 days easy mode. I have been binging to the point of loosing count. Im talking full days of PMO, 7 or more MOs in a session. No access to P seems to be no problem for my addiction because I will just find internet pics of my old crushes or hot girls, failing that there is always my mind.

    I have thought that maybe I dont really want to quit. I dont know what to do next. Sometimes I think If I can just do one day then I will do that the next day until I am rebooted. Somtimes I try to forget about all the pain and just lead a life as if I am not addicted. But I will always end up jerking off at night, loosing my motivation and then just binging the shit out of myself. Sometimes I binge in between video games to take my mind off what I am actually doing. Or I even binge in between watching videos of NOfap. I just fapped to an old crush I had at school, using tiktok videos, Maybe I am seeking comfort in this experience.

    Why have I been doomed to this life. What have I done that has earned me this? I used to feel it was my destiny to do nofap but I have realised that the truth is the opposite, because I have seen the events unfold in front of my own eyes countless times. I have fallen to the dark side, I have become the ultimate coomer.
    BlueBallsOG likes this.
  2. Indurian

    Indurian Fapstronaut

    Well done for the efforts you have put in so far. Please don't give up as it is definitely possible to overcome compulsive PMO.

    There's something blocking your efforts and I don't know what it is. A big part of overcoming the addiction is acceptance and this might be what you are lacking. Not in a passive way, but just accepting this is the situation, and not beating yourself up every time you relapse. If you do relapse, which everyone does try not to get mad.

    What helped me was a strong realisation that any pleasure benefits from porn were far outweighed by the negatives (there are many).
    k3muthomi, khabastos and Candun like this.
  3. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

    Are you currently able to seek out professional help?
  4. Overhaul

    Overhaul Fapstronaut

    How exactly does it do that? In fact foreign students financially prop up the UK University sector, and immigrants are in general economically positive. This is not supposed to be a politcal forum but that idea can't go unchallenged.

    To your broader issues, you clearly had a disrupted and difficult childhood which is sad. Since you recognise so eloquently the harm porn's doing you, why not just stop? I know it sounds trite, and I don't mean to be difficult, but really - why not just decide to stop?
    k3muthomi likes this.
  5. Warwick

    Warwick Fapstronaut

    maybe a male counsellor who could help you get to what is at the bottom of it ?
    Quitterrr likes this.
  6. Yes I think that there is something blocking my efforts. Do you think that is really me being harsh on myself after a relapse? I agree what you say about having a strong realisation about the positives and negatives. Yes I have found this to be a motivating factor. But when you are having "urges" to go back to unwanted behaviour it can be very very difficult to see the fuller picture. I think also that having less mental awareness of the self can make it more difficult. I have tried this before many times I have sat down and wrote about the positives and the negatives of doing versus the positives and negatives of not doing, every time I come to the same realisation that I should get rid of the habit. But like I said it isn't always easy for a PMO addict to see things clearly. I think that I fall into PMO alot because like you said : acceptance, I cant accept who I am, I cant accept this is my life, I cant accept that this is how I am feeling, and then When I relapse I cant accept that either.

    Do you think that I should ? Do you think that it would help? I am scared to do something like that.

    I realize it probably wasnt wise of me to post something like that. But I was just saying how I really felt. There are many reasons why I feel that way, but I dont think this is the place to go into that topic.
    I think that I may of had a tough childhood/teenage years but when I think about what I could of been had I not been ambushed by the PMO it makes me wonder if it was all just because of PMO. I think a strong affirmation to stop can be powerful in overcoming this habit. But I think I have relapsed to many times and made the affirmation to stop to many times for it to be of any meaning or significance to me. I have decided to stop many times, but I always go back to it.

    Do you also think I should seek out professional help? I sometimes try to ponder why I am like this, but it always goes back to one thing, and that is that I know the root of all my issues is PMO and that I just need to stop it and then I literally wouldn't have this boulder on my back if I did. But I cant stop.
  7. Candun

    Candun Fapstronaut

    If it's an option for you I definitely think you should at least try it, could help a lot. What bothers you about it?
  8. khabastos

    khabastos Fapstronaut

    @jager, yes, you're being too harsh with yourself after relapsing. Stop calling yourself the ultimate coomer, no matter how true you may think it is. Our words have power and thinking lowly of yourself will only hold you back. I agree with others that reccommeded professional help, if you're having trouble figuring stuff out for yourself. It'd be wonderful to have someone to nudge and guide you in the right direction.
  9. Warwick

    Warwick Fapstronaut

    You have made very genuine efforts to be free of it, and well done for that.
    Sometimes sharing your concerns with a good skilled counsellor can give a perspective and insights that are difficult to achieve just on your own.
    It can also help you feel better to just take a load off your mind, ( or boulder off your back as you say ) by talking with someone who is on your side, and knows how to listen.
    From my own experience, that first step isn't easy, but once you have taken it, it can be very worthwhile
    Its your call, of course, but if you can, it may be the best next move for you.
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2020
  10. r8js

    r8js Fapstronaut

    Wow......4 countries ......6 cities.........that's good......
  11. Maybe it might be a good idea to seek out help, but I feel that if I do it, and then fail again, that would make it even worse. There is also a skeptical side of me what if someone else finds out about it? But then I guess it wouldnt be such a big issue because I have already told people about it in the past. Ive also had a very good AP on these forums, do you think I should seek out a real Councillor, in real life?

    Yes maybe you are right @khabastos I am being harsh when I say these things to myself, but I feel it is because I keep falling back that I feel like this. Maybe I should focus on the posotives so instead of calling myself a coomer for relapsing once, call myself a hero for doing one day. Yes I think positive self talk is what I need, no matter how small. I guess the evil PMO will find any way to lead us back. I know that our perception of our world around us can greatly influence our experiences in it.

    @r8js there are positives and negatives to everything..............
    khabastos likes this.
  12. Warwick

    Warwick Fapstronaut

    That is what I was suggesting in my post.
  13. Overhaul

    Overhaul Fapstronaut

    Irrespective of how you feel, it's not true.
  14. OK, so now I have established I need to stop being harsh on myself after a relapse. I think I am so harsh on myself because I cant understand why this has been going on for so long when it is something I really want to get rid off. I should also seek out professional help. I think I will definetley seek out a male councillor in real life once the lock down eases off.

    Do you guys think I should start with easy mode, based on what I have said about my addiction in the original post? What has made me say this is that last night I fell asleep and then I woke up about an hour later wanting to jerk off, so I jerked off. This happens to me all the frikin time and I have absolutley no control over that situation.
  15. You need to confess to somebody.
    Opening up is the first thing that will gonna help you.
    Exactly thát is the thing you never did.
    Shame is your blocker, and you need to get rid of that. How? By opening up to somebody.
  16. I have already done this. I have told people about it. 2 people in fact.

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