SOS help

Discussion in 'Partner Support' started by RandomSO, Dec 9, 2019.

  1. RandomSO

    RandomSO New Fapstronaut

    So I found out about 4 months ago that my partner of 1 year kept watching porn and I asked him about it. He said he’s fine and not addicted. I kept asking him because it was very clear of his addiction and he eventually said he’s researched and wants to try nofap. He tried it a couple months ago fell off and basically went off nofap. 12 days ago he started again and messages me (as we don’t live together) saying he thinks he hit a point where he doesn’t have any sexual urges. At the weekend we spent time together and he didn’t want to do anything of that nature which is fine.
    So last night on day 12 he messages me and tells me in the middle of the night that he’s having urges and he feels really sexual and that he couldn’t help but watch P.

    Now we’ve talked about this and I said to him that I have self confidence and body image issues which are highly effected if he’s watching some super skinny girls doing whatever they’re doing online.

    I want to support him because I love him and he’s an amazing person but I’m finding it so hard to be with him or say anything to him when he relapses cause I understand he can’t help it but it just gets me. I don’t know what to reply to him at all but I’m so upset I don’t think he understands how I feel about it all after me trying to explain. I support him but he doesn’t understand the effect it has on me.

    If I didn’t want to do anything sexual with him then a day later say that I had to watch P and PM cause I couldn’t help it and felt too sexual. Then he wouldn’t be happy if we were the other way around.

    I just feel like I’m at a dead end. It really upsets me personally and hurts our relationship everytime it happens it just feels like he’s not trying enough. I don’t see why he doesn’t block the sites or find something else to do. I don’t know.
    Any suggestions???
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  2. EyesWideOpen

    EyesWideOpen Fapstronaut

    He can help it. That's just an excuse.

    He needs to seek real recovery if he wants to be successful. Merely abstaining and white knuckling will result in failure every time. Porn addiction isn't about looking at women or getting themselves off. It's about coping skills and disconnection. Until he is willing to look into the deeper issue(s) that drive his addiction, he will continue to find himself going back to it.

    There are many, many resources out there for him to use, he has to be willing to man up and use them. But they take a lot of work. Sobriety does not equal recovery.
  3. popefiction

    popefiction Fapstronaut

    I may sound harsh but, leave him. He will fix it what hes sayng are just excuses, its not really your job to fix anyone you dont want to fix or help to. Only he can do that himself. If its doing you more negative then good then you know what to do.
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  4. CodeTalker

    CodeTalker Fapstronaut

    even if you really want, it’s not that easy. We are not all the same and for some people it can be really really really difficult. Blocking isnt effective and reading everything about it doesn’t change how your brain react when the urges come.

    At least the guy isn’t hiding his difficulty. Being honest is the most important here.

    He may never recover from this addiction though. If you stay with him you have to know that and live with it.
  5. My 2 cents: if he won't respect you boundaries, break up before you are a miserable married single mom. And next time you go dating, try to get them to talk about sexuality. Being able to talk about sex and love means we are mature.
    fadedfidelity likes this.
  6. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    Harsh but honest opinion, but I would leave him in the past and move on with your life. Staying with him will only drag you down and ruin your self worth. Women need to be more selfish and care for themselves instead of putting their men first. Stay strong, it will be hard and he will beg you to stay and help him, but only he can heal himself. He must do this alone. His issue is not your responsibility.
    engelman and PaulPaul like this.
  7. engelman

    engelman Fapstronaut

    I completely agree on everything you said @EyesWideOpen , this PMO issue of ours is not about sex. Even if he's working hard (he seems to be serious and he's sharing his struggle with you), it seems he doesn't know how to properly deal with this. He's in the first stages of the recovery, just after the "wake-up". He should read a lot of books, journals and articles about the topic, write his own journal, ...

    I'm afraid if you love him, you'll have to be patient with him and do a lot of work for yourself too. Try to analyse yourself, your feelings, your body image issues, ... if it's too much to take, maybe you should tell him that you have to work first on yourself before trying to be there for him. If he needs help, he should go to a therapist or, at the very least, find an accountability partner here. And if you need help, you too should read books, maybe go to a therapist, find an AP ... your "recovery from his problem" is as important as his.

    In my case, reading about the topic every f*** day for many many weeks changed the way I viewed it for ever. I don't see PMO as I used to. Now I don't usually have much urges and when I have them, they're not strong and I know how to handle them. I guess it depends on the person, but one thing is for sure ... reading a lot does not take you away from the path of recovery, so ... it's worth a try, don't you think so?

    Wow ... I'm glad my wife didn't follow your advice more than ... 10 years ago? But I guess you know what you're talking about. It depends on the severity of the case, how much you love your partner and how easy or difficult you see a future together without this "issue". I completely agree with you on one thing "His issue is not your responsibility".
  8. fadedfidelity

    fadedfidelity Fapstronaut

    You are right, not everyone's relationship is the same. But there are lost causes and women should know when it is time to throw in the towel and save themselves. If a PA is not serious about recovery and does not put in full effort (filters, therapy, accountability partners, podcasts, books, NoFap, etc.) then he is wasting her time. Any PA that doesn't give full effort and does not SHOW THROUGH ACTIONS he is committed to changing and stop PMO is an active addict that does not intend to give it up. That addiction is more important than his relationship and her love and feelings. In this case, they are not married and she is only in this relationship with 12 months of her life. Twelve months lost is better than 30 years lost on this bullshit. And believe me, there are tons of women on NoFap that have given their soul and every ounce of energy into helping their PA but the PA keeps relapsing throughout the marriage. Addicts are pros at lying and gaslighting and just when you start to trust them again...BAM! Another D-day.
    I know as a PA, you feel hurt by anyone suggesting SO to leave. But like myself, there are wise SO's that have been in this crap for YEARS and are stuck due to life circumstances --marriage, children, and finances. If we found out about PA while only dating or before children then (knowing what we know now) you bet it is healthier for the SO to leave! Love isn't the issue. I hope you aren't suggesting that an SO that leaves PA doesn't love him enough. Wow. TRUST is just as important (if not more important) than love in a relationship.
    I Give Up likes this.

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