SOs, what are you most angry about?

[Deleted Account]

I know there are many things to be upset about and everyone’s experience is different. So I used my experience. My wife doesn’t want to clarify any of this. She says she doesn’t care about some of these but I don’t think she’s really being honest.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I know there are many things to be upset about and everyone’s experience is different. So I used my experience. My wife doesn’t want to clarify any of this. She says she doesn’t care about some of these but I don’t think she’s really being honest.

I’ll go-
First and foremost that he lied. He did not give me a choice. He did not trust me.
That he gas lit me. When I knew something was wrong and tried to talk about it, he repeatedly, vehemently insisted nothing was wrong.
When I’d find questionable things, he would always have a logical reasonable answer that made me question myself.
That he knew it affected things but did nothing about it, for years.
That he would tell me no to sex.
That he knew things I could not- why he couldn’t get it up( because he had just masturbated) or why he was angry etc… all the things you guys know what happens when you use but the partner has no way of knowing so is left confused and upset..
That he gave more time, thought, planning, protection, to his porn use than to his family. Rarely a moment of free time he wasn’t thinking about it or planning to use.
It upsets me that unlike alcohol, his addiction is the using, abusing, and fantasy of being with other women. He daily chose other women and his hand because his fantasy was better than anything I offered. It’s the entitlement of he deserves his harem of make believe women and men no matter the cost to our family. The knowledge that because his addiction is pmo escalation can happen at any time irl and in many cases it does. This bothers me a lot right up there with the lies and keeps me from ever really trusting him. I don’t care what kind of porn he watched, I don’t care how often he did it or where, or if he had a favorite actress. I only care about irl-sexting or chat rooms, will be a divorce, messaging, or contacting women or spending our money on his addiction. No polygraph for me to confirm will be divorce. Addiction escalation happens, I’m going to protect myself

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I’m angry that porn is so easily accessible. That studies “show” it’s not harmful and psychologists run with the “it’s even healthy.” I’m angry that men want to blame women for their lack of control. God forbid a 10-13 year old wear a bikini. That husbands insist and blame their wives for their lack of love and attraction and inability to control themselves. I’m angry that if a man looks outside his partner for sex everyone blames the woman, she doesn’t satisfy him, she let herself go, she’s must not be good in bed , she won’t do what he wants, or she’s just uptight…… the list goes on

 

[Deleted Account]

That he would tell me no to sex.
That he knew things I could not- why he couldn’t get it up( because he had just masturbated) or why he was angry etc… all the things you guys know what happens when you use but the partner has no way of knowing so is left confused and upset..

I guess this never was a part of my story. I never had a problem getting it up and I think I said no to sex once in 25 years just to see what it was like to have that control. I didn’t like it. Never did it again.
I never felt it was ok to view P or to M. I was always trying to quit. It was never a daily thing. I never spent money on it. I guess I’m glad I never let it escalate.
I just couldn’t stop completely. Only weeks between acting out. so it felt like an addiction.
i voluntarily told my wife about it 5 years ago. She is still angry. But I was already working on it for forever and have only gotten better since disclosure and getting a therapist.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I guess this never was a part of my story. I never had a problem getting it up and I think I said no to sex once in 25 years just to see what it was like to have that control. I didn’t like it. Never did it again.
I never felt it was ok to view P or to M. I was always trying to quit. It was never a daily thing. I never spent money on it. I guess I’m glad I never let it escalate.
I just couldn’t stop completely. Only weeks between acting out. so it felt like an addiction.
i voluntarily told my wife about it 5 years ago. She is still angry. But I was already working on it for forever and have only gotten better since disclosure and getting a therapist.

My husband had been trying to quit from the day we married. My anger comes at his inability to realize he needed help. No one gets clean on their own. I jus don’t know how you can’t stop something and continue to think “ this time I will”.

 

[Deleted Account]

My husband had been trying to quit from the day we married. My anger comes at his inability to realize he needed help. No one gets clean on their own. I jus don’t know how you can’t stop something and continue to think “ this time I will”.

Yeah we all need that connection outside of ourselves to quit an addiction. Even with the consequences I’ve had from being honest, I would take them any day over the consequences of living in secret.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I guess this never was a part of my story. I never had a problem getting it up and I think I said no to sex once in 25 years just to see what it was like to have that control. I didn’t like it. Never did it again.
I never felt it was ok to view P or to M. I was always trying to quit. It was never a daily thing. I never spent money on it. I guess I’m glad I never let it escalate.
I just couldn’t stop completely. Only weeks between acting out. so it felt like an addiction.
i voluntarily told my wife about it 5 years ago. She is still angry. But I was already working on it for forever and have only gotten better since disclosure and getting a therapist.

It wasn’t a daily thing for my husband either, until he was 45 and went through a horrific trauma. That’s when it escalated. He was a very functioning addict. From 45-50 I’m guessing it escalated to every day, as that’s when he got pied.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

I guess this never was a part of my story. I never had a problem getting it up and I think I said no to sex once in 25 years just to see what it was like to have that control. I didn’t like it. Never did it again.
I never felt it was ok to view P or to M. I was always trying to quit. It was never a daily thing. I never spent money on it. I guess I’m glad I never let it escalate.
I just couldn’t stop completely. Only weeks between acting out. so it felt like an addiction.
i voluntarily told my wife about it 5 years ago. She is still angry. But I was already working on it for forever and have only gotten better since disclosure and getting a therapist.

Telling your wife over being caught is 100x better for her healing!!!

 

[Deleted Account]

Telling your wife over being caught is 100x better for her healing!!!

It doesn’t feel that way right now, but maybe just because I haven’t seen the alternative

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

It doesn’t feel that way right now, but maybe just because I haven’t seen the alternative

It takes 18 months to 3 years of work with a professional for a partner to get through betrayal trauma. Longer if they are getting help. You say you never said no, what I’ve found with other women is some of their husbands always wanted sex and would coerce them into it. By this, they would sulk if told no, or be irritated, or any other negative action to get sex. They would bully to get what they wanted, focus on themselves, or pressure partner to do something they don’t want. I’m not saying this is you, just the opposite end if the spectrum from my husband

 

[Deleted Account]

It wasn’t a daily thing for my husband either, until he was 45 and went through a horrific trauma. That’s when it escalated. He was a very functioning addict. From 45-50 I’m guessing it escalated to every day, as that’s when he got pied.

I found that I was able to make a lot more progress in my fight (even though I still hadn’t disclosed it) once I talked to a good older friend about some childhood sexual abuse I had experienced. I told my wife at the same time. I was about 32. We got rid of the internet for financial reasons around the same time and didn’t have it for 2 years. I didn’t see any porn for the whole time. But I still would FMO once a month or so. Couldn’t break it completely.
Still didn’t tell anyone. Finally quit M at 38 for good.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

It doesn’t feel that way right now, but maybe just because I haven’t seen the alternative

She won’t say what she’s feeling? What exactly she’s angry about? This is an unhealthy response, usually caused by fear.

 

[Deleted Account]

It takes 18 months to 3 years of work with a professional for a partner to get through betrayal trauma. Longer if they are getting help. You say you never said no, what I’ve found with other women is some of their husbands always wanted sex and would coerce them into it. By this, they would sulk if told no, or be irritated, or any other negative action to get sex. They would bully to get what they wanted, focus on themselves, or pressure partner to do something they don’t want. I’m not saying this is you, just the opposite end if the spectrum from my husband

Oh you nailed it. This was me. Got my value from being desired sexually. Found out later with a therapist it stems from my childhood sexual abuse. It helped a lot to put it all together.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Oh you nailed it. This was me. Got my value from being desired sexually. Found out later with a therapist it stems from my childhood sexual abuse. It helped a lot to put it all together.

Yeah, that causes a lot of anger too, lol. It’s interesting , the women I work with if their husbands were like mine, they were almost hyper sexual, if their husbands were like you the women shut down sexually eventually.

 

[Deleted Account]

I’ll go-
First and foremost that he lied. He did not give me a choice. He did not trust me.
That he gas lit me. When I knew something was wrong and tried to talk about it, he repeatedly, vehemently insisted nothing was wrong.
When I’d find questionable things, he would always have a logical reasonable answer that made me question myself.
That he knew it affected things but did nothing about it, for years.
That he would tell me no to sex.
That he knew things I could not- why he couldn’t get it up( because he had just masturbated) or why he was angry etc… all the things you guys know what happens when you use but the partner has no way of knowing so is left confused and upset..
That he gave more time, thought, planning, protection, to his porn use than to his family. Rarely a moment of free time he wasn’t thinking about it or planning to use.
It upsets me that unlike alcohol, his addiction is the using, abusing, and fantasy of being with other women. He daily chose other women and his hand because his fantasy was better than anything I offered. It’s the entitlement of he deserves his harem of make believe women and men no matter the cost to our family. The knowledge that because his addiction is pmo escalation can happen at any time irl and in many cases it does. This bothers me a lot right up there with the lies and keeps me from ever really trusting him. I don’t care what kind of porn he watched, I don’t care how often he did it or where, or if he had a favorite actress. I only care about irl-sexting or chat rooms, will be a divorce, messaging, or contacting women or spending our money on his addiction. No polygraph for me to confirm will be divorce. Addiction escalation happens, I’m going to protect myself

This right here is really well written. You are brave to stay with your husband through so much. You must really love him.

 

[Deleted Account]

Currently, I never say no if she offers, but I also don’t try to initiate because I feel like it is a trigger for her because of my previous actions. I don’t think she’s working on any recovery stuff and she hates “therapy speak” so I have to change my words sometimes. But since I’ve been working with a therapist I’ve made the most progress in not just being sober, but changing my insides.
my therapist thinks I’m punishing myself unnecessarily and should consider divorce, but that’s not my values. I have to be able to respect myself even if it requires pain.

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

Currently, I never say no if she offers, but I also don’t try to initiate because I feel like it is a trigger for her because of my previous actions. I don’t think she’s working on any recovery stuff and she hates “therapy speak” so I have to change my words sometimes. But since I’ve been working with a therapist I’ve made the most progress in not just being sober, but changing my insides.
my therapist thinks I’m punishing myself unnecessarily and should consider divorce, but that’s not my values. I have to be able to respect myself even if it requires pain.

Is your therapist a csat? Do they understand betrayal trauma? Just for example your wife will not begin healing until YOU have stopped acting out. So the last time you looked at porn or masturbated is when her time begins. The betrayed is always behind the addict. Plus, they will heal much, much slower without any support or help. My husband began recover 4.5 years ago. I had weekly therapy, went to a 3 day intensive, have a group of women I meet with, and I journal. I’m not healed. At all. But I’m getting there. Take the amount of time you abused her because of your addiction and ask yourself, how long would I think is a reasonable amount of time to heal from finding out my husband has lied and cheated all of our marriage?

 

[Deleted Account]

Is your therapist a csat? Do they understand betrayal trauma? Just for example your wife will not begin healing until YOU have stopped acting out. So the last time you looked at porn or masturbated is when her time begins. The betrayed is always behind the addict. Plus, they will heal much, much slower without any support or help. My husband began recover 4.5 years ago. I had weekly therapy, went to a 3 day intensive, have a group of women I meet with, and I journal. I’m not healed. At all. But I’m getting there. Take the amount of time you abused her because of your addiction and ask yourself, how long would I think is a reasonable amount of time to heal from finding out my husband has lied and cheated all of our marriage?

My therapist isn’t a csat. But she has helped me to see my behavior as abusive. I guess she just thinks it is not reasonable for me to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in healing themselves. Since she doesn’t want to work on our relationship. Wife says she doesn’t want to leave and doesn’t want me to leave. But also doesn’t want to do things to improve the relationship because “she doesn’t want to open up that can of worms”. It’s also the reason why she doesn’t want to go to a therapist for herself or for couples. I’ve offered everything I can think of and she’s not interested. But I figure patience will get the best results possible

 

[Psalm27:1my light]

My therapist isn’t a csat. But she has helped me to see my behavior as abusive. I guess she just thinks it is not reasonable for me to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t interested in healing themselves. Since she doesn’t want to work on our relationship. But I figure patience will get the best results possible

I agree, but, with betrayal trauma many partners have no interest in working on themselves until they notice real change in the addict. By real change, I don’t mean just sobriety. Have you read any books on betrayal trauma? Here are a couple good ones -Worthy of Her Trust, Intimate Deception, Out Of The Doghouse, and Helping Her Heal( dvd).

 

[Deleted Account]

I agree, but, with betrayal trauma many partners have no interest in working on themselves until they notice real change in the addict. By real change, I don’t mean just sobriety. Have you read any books on betrayal trauma? Here are a couple good ones -Worthy of Her Trust, Intimate Deception, Out Of The Doghouse, and Helping Her Heal( dvd).

Thanks for the sources. We I’ve read and listened to books about how to improve myself , but not much about her stuff.
I have listened to all of the podcast episodes of The Betrayed, Addicted, and Expert a couple of times. That’s where I’ve gotten most of my knowledge about betrayal trauma.
I’ll have to check out the ones you recommend.