SOS - What the Hell is happening to me... NEED ADVICE

I really need help people. This is from my personal journal

Today was a really hard day. I had constant reoccurring thoughts and desires to go and hook up with this older man who was the first person to get me off. He made me feel amazing and he was very kind, but I just can't...I am straight. I like girls and always have. Thinking about it gave me multiple arousals today. I didn't have any desires too look at porn but I did have some to meet this guy. If it's not porn, then is it okay? I've read that healthy sex is beneficial to the body and so much more connecting ad involving than masturbating. But I would have never had these desires had I not become addicted to gay porn and wanted to experience it first hand. How can I just continually confuse myself like this...If I give in do I give up? Am I really just bisexual and haven't come to terms with it yet?

So many questions and none have been answered....


~Dawn.

 

I really need help people. This is from my personal journal

Today was a really hard day. I had constant reoccurring thoughts and desires to go and hook up with this older man who was the first person to get me off. He made me feel amazing and he was very kind, but I just can't...I am straight. I like girls and always have. Thinking about it gave me multiple arousals today. I didn't have any desires too look at porn but I did have some to meet this guy. If it's not porn, then is it okay? I've read that healthy sex is beneficial to the body and so much more connecting ad involving than masturbating. But I would have never had these desires had I not become addicted to gay porn and wanted to experience it first hand. How can I just continually confuse myself like this...If I give in do I give up? Am I really just bisexual and haven't come to terms with it yet?

So many questions and none have been answered....


~Dawn.

 

Thanks so much for your response. That makes a lot of sense actually.I've felt love respect and support from girls before we just never had sex (and also it was mostly one-sided on my end lol). So emotionally I've always been into girls, but being with him felt so great after years of watching gay porn...Any advice on how I can start to let go of these thoughts and impulses?

 

Hmmm thats a lot to think on. Yes it seems farfetched that porn can sway peoples' minds, and believe me I'm not one for religious ideology lol. I just feel like the "reasoning" you talk about is a similar form of reasoning to watch porn. I don't want a relationship wit this person at all, but I can't deny being excited and even aroused by the thought of exploring more of what we can do together. That being said, I'll never get over the feeling of getting that text from a girl (even tho the girl I'm crushing on isn't getting back to me currently lol). It's literally a case of my mind and body saying two different things...

 

Thank you so much. I was very scared when I wrote this last night so I probably threw in some phrases I did not mean to give myself some more power...didn't work lol. New day and I'm still thinking about him.

It was very hard to resist those urges last night as it still is this morning...I just want to hit him up and meet up for more fun! It's probably heavily based on our primitive nature to hump, but what he did to me felt so wonderful. I felt no shame, I felt relief and pleasure. Originally I thought it was nothing I wanted to do again but now I feel like it's unavoidable. I just hope that seeing him would not jeopardizing my sobriety. Porn is nothing like healthy and consensual sex, it's so much more. I don't want to love this person, but being with him just that one time changed me.

 

Thanks! I feel like this makes a lot of sense to me right now...I'm a huge music enthusiast and listen to anything from classical to Japanese rock lol. I'll give this a try and let you know how it goes!