Start to see a therapist if you feel it is needed (my past 5 years)

My story after knowing NoFap for 5 Years - I don't exactly know why i am writing this.
Maybe as a way to review and get things of my chest. Yesterday i went to a psychotherapist for the first time which i will mention at the end and wrote my four most relevant questions down.

So i joined this forum this weekend but knew NoFap since i turned 18 in 2015.
I'm 23 now and a lot of things, ups and downs, happened in the past 5 years.
Back in these beginning days i didn't view pornography as such a big problem, maybe just because not enough shit happened i could blame porn for.

As everyone knows, when you find out about something new the motivation is high so i started NoFap because i read so much about these holy benefits it would bring me.
And at the first try it was so easy to reach 30 days without effort or big urges simply because the dopamine level was higher thinking about the benefits than it was when watching the stuff.
Of course i used my "new found source of energy" to improve other aspects of my life - i hit the gym harder, read books about the dating game and self improvement in general and got into investments later on.

All of this gave me a big package of confidence, which obviously made me interesting for a couple of girls, which one of them ended up as my girlfriend for 2 years.
Little did i know, due to lack of experience, that she was a complete mess and hurt herself (cutting etc.) and blamed me for her behavior in the wildest ways you can imagine.
And i tell you - as a 19 year old you can simply not handle these things.
I wouldn't say i could handle it now but definitely better and first of all i would try to never get back in these situations in the first place.
Life hit me hard in 2017 when my father got diagnosed with a brain tumor in february, and she broke up with me 2 weeks after i got the message "because i changed and got weird".
I did not really care that she was gone because there was obviously something worse going on, but it somehow left me never being able to trust someone completely again.
At the end of the relationship i start to cope with the sadness by watching a lot of porn again, and in late 2017 i sat there, addicted again, without my father and without a girlfriend.
Ever since then i blamed my overuse of pornography for our breakup and i did this until yesterday.

6 Months later i somehow worked my ass out of that hole, got back into a lot of fitness and started to rebuild myself again.
Same as the first time, i met a bunch of girls and one of them ended up as my second girlfriend for nearly 1,5 years.
She was the complete opposite - no headache (atleast for a 19 year old women), very feminine and supported me wherever she could.
Due to misunderstandings and other views of life plus some stupid mistakes on my side my stupid ass broke up with her in mid 2019 and regretted it fast.
At the same time i lost my job and had nothing to do for nearly 4 months.
4 months of sitting at home, alone again and going back to good old porn.
This threw me into the deepest depression i ever experienced - worse than when my father died.
I wasn't able to stand up in the morning (had nothing to do anyways) and all i did was thinking about her.
To this day i still also blame pornography for our breakup, atleast indirectly.

Now at 23 I'm still on an off with P but never got rid of it.
I had my times when i was sober for over 60 or 70 days here and there but I never reached the holy goal of 90 days.
Other than when i was 18 i don't have that "starter-motivation" anymore.
I relapsed so often even on big streaks that i believe, I simply tell myself in a way that I will never reach complete abstinence anyways.
I ask myself why i build this self-destructive behavior?
Did I found joy in self-sabotaging somehow?
Maybe I do this because I feel like I don't deserve to overcome this problem?
And how do I get the REAL motivation for NoFap?
These are my four most important questions i need to figure out in the next time.

By REAL NoFap motivation i don't mean that captain obvious shit stuff like "more awake, thicker beard and power in the gym".
That shit won't help you with a real addiction you use to cope when you have problems.
First thing the therapist did was making me clear that I treat myseld WAY to hard in every aspect of life.
There's a saying that you should treat yourself more often like you would treat your best friend - I am sure very few of us do that.
He made clear my first breakup had nothing to do with my consume of pornography - more to do with her leaving me when i was at my lowest and needed her the most.

Actually i knew these two things before but hearing it from a specialist is helping a lot.
I look forward to book more sessions and suggest everyone who feels that their pornography-consume has something bigger in the background to do the same.

Have a great day,
Richiee