I am finally starting to write a journal to hopefully help myself and my SO get over this addiction and hopefully show my SO how much I truly do love her. Well, here it goes. I will tell you a little bit of my history and go from there. I remember having my first O when on the toilet, I was 16 and was planning on a instrument lesson and had to cancel cause I was really confused, and at the same time happy by what just happened. Especially because it felt so good. I have masturbated many times up to this point, but remember this is definitely the 1st time. I was always the shy type when I was young, so I only asked out very few girls with limited success. I think I figured that PMO was just as good as being in a relationship. This is the beginning of my journal and have a ton more to write. I suffer from a number of disabilities such as Crohn's disease, osteoporosis, PTSD, arthritis, TIA, and a whole lot of others for someone that is only 47 years old. The Crohn's disease was diagnosed when I was 9 years old but had symptoms of the disease when I was 5 or 6. My SO of 16 years has been very anxious and depressed over this since we have gone out. I have had my problems with this issue with her and have did this to her at least a dozen times, probably more. I want to finally give this up for me first, and then my relationship with my SO second. I have had a good run since December, 2017 and want this to be the last time. I know my SO loves me to death and I have never met or imagined someone like this in my life. I feel so lucky to have her and I am my own worst enemy in our relationship like most other things in my life. Well, anyway, this is a start and I plan to write in this a couple times a week, I do have quite the story.