Starting again ... again

Discussion in 'Rebooting - Porn Addiction Recovery' started by gingeralan, Jan 10, 2020.

  1. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Having lived on my own in my own house for the last year, I have been feeling isolated and the compulsion to use porn has been quite high.

    I am looking to end my porn usage now. I was just in a relationship, and I still couldn’t stop using, even though it was affecting my sex drive and other stuff. I would masturbate, then not be able to perform when with her.

    I need this now. So I just did the reboot test, it does work, and I have tried Ed meds which have helped with my performance anxiety. So I am going to work on my social life and make my hobbies a bit more local.

    I am going to try and post every day, around this time, and perhaps additionally if I feel I am about to give in.
     
    TGI9000 likes this.
  2. Ronaldo Machuca

    Ronaldo Machuca Fapstronaut

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    Lol that's the opposite with me. I want to be on my own. With my own place. It allows me to do things without bothering those around me which is what holds me back from doing what I like. Since you are alone, your success rate is very small. You got the issue where being alone is the reason you PMO.
     
    gingeralan likes this.
  3. TGI9000

    TGI9000 Fapstronaut

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    I quit 5 days ago. You can do it I am sure. Your plans sound great! Let’s keep in touch!

     
    gingeralan likes this.
  4. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Thanks for reading, so second day, actually made some moves towards improving my mental state. I opened up to a couple of friends, that I am feeling low, both of which get really freeing, being able to admit I am not happy.

    I have found a new counsellor that I want to try, he does therapy in unusual places, outside on walks etc. This appeals a lot to me! Going to see him at the end of next week for initial meet at his office.

    I have always struggled with being happy in my present situation and always found myself drawn to these ‘get rich quick’ seminars and courses, I once went on one, which was supposed to help picking up girls but it was a let down, not really all that useful. But when feeling down I tend to resort to falling down their sales funnel. I nearly fell for it again, I was seriously considering committing to a £12k year long ‘mastermind’ program. I am glad a friend highlighted the potential daft ness of this!

    I think I was hoping these groups would fill a social need in me.

    I have also realised that I hate cleaning so I don’t clean as much as I should, and having a messy house makes me miserable. I have decided, at least for the short term to hire a cleaner, it’ll take a bit of pressure off me and hopefully help to maintain a more positive mood.

    I am feeling sad at the moment though, as I said at the beginning of the week I finished a relationship, just the day before I rang my mum, and explained a little about how I was feeling, she never contacts me, an I do feel sad about it. Not many people contact me, apart from my ex when we were together, have had the odd text from her since. I actually asked my mum to ring me, and I explained why, she said she would but she still hasn’t. This does make me feel pretty worthless if I’m honest. But this is one of the many issues I think I will be discussing with my counsellor next week
     
  5. TGI9000

    TGI9000 Fapstronaut

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    You are making important steps. To be more present listen to Oprah and Eckhart Tolle. They did a course on this and it really has helped mee. Google and you ll find it.

    about mom - don’t be too harsh. Most people do their best gives the things they are aware off. Is it possible to talk to her in person instead of phone?

    take care. Contact me privately if you like
     
  6. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    We live a long way apart, but funny enough, she called about 30 mins after my last post. I am gonna call her more, and I did today while I was out as I was feeling a bit crap.

    My dad started this morning off, he’s in one of those MLM businesses, not going to get into the arguments, but I hate how obsessed he is with it and the sheer amount of money it’s cost him.

    He messaged me asking me to follow his YouTube channel, I said I wouldn’t as I disagreed with his view! I told him how it made me feel and that I’d been seeing a counsellor for a fair while. I said I hated that I always felt like I was seeking his approval. And it has caused me problems.

    I just don’t wanna communicate with him now. Again I told him as much, I just can’t trust him anymore.

    I do kinda like putting it out in public, it just makes me feel less self conscious about it, which I think is a good thing. I have hidden huge parts of me and my life and it’s just made me really guarded and not willing to open up and trust others.

    I had a good day today, went to a car show, and quite enjoyed it, got to look around at some stands and chatted to a few exhibitors. It was nice.

    On my way home now, was gonna stop another night, but I wanna get back and see my cats, they almost seemed to know I wasn’t feeling great last few days and it felt like they were trying to comfort me. One of them kept snuggling up, nose to nose in bed with me.

    I am confident now I’ve acknowledged the deeper issues and shared that I am unhappy with some people I think I am on a good path. I think as I’ve started feeling a little more, the compulsion you’re PMO hasn’t been very high, even though I’ve felt sad.

    My ex now has a new partner, she was happy to stay in touch, but I don’t want to, it hurts a bit too much. When we were going out she fell for me really quick, and now has done for the new guy, I’m pleased for her, but personally it just hurts to see her and things. I’ve blocked her and unfriended our mutual friends. I don’t think the relationship would’ve been long term, but I just wish I could deal with myself better. I do feel really intensely at the moment, more so than after my divorce, that felt sad, but more that muted sad, trying to hide from things. This while difficult, is something I gotta go through, never really got emotional about anything before
     
  7. TGI9000

    TGI9000 Fapstronaut

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    I love that thing about the cats. It’s really true. They have a sixth sense about people not feeling 100% and then tend to be so loving. I lost my cat a few years ago. Always playing with the thought to adopt a new one
     
  8. Denver-guy123

    Denver-guy123 Fapstronaut

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    Alan, I am glad you are reaching out for help here as well as finding a new counselor. Given your isolation, I would also encourage you to join some type of in-person group. I have done several groups including a monthly men's group (not focused on nofap) and have run a men's group as a therapist for many years. When I read your posts, I think a group would be really wonderful for you. It helps us feel so much less isolated as men - a place to share feelings and struggles, to recognize we are not alone, to see that other men we respect struggle and to ultimately feel better about ourselves. I would talk to your counselor about it - I know it can seem intimidating but please trust me that it can be hugely beneficial. PM me if you have specific questions or want support. Be well!
     
  9. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Funny you mention that, I just found a support group, it meets every fortnight.

    I went to one last week, and it was good. Interesting to hear people talk about their problems as it makes you realise you’re not on you’re own.

    Last night I was struggling to sleep, and that is an occasions that often leads to PMO, I am in a 24hr gym so took myself off for a midnight workout.

    definitely worth it, and something I will try and keep up.

    After getting back home I slept on sofa, and dozed till quite late. I then went to gym again. The lie in wasn’t ideal, but I felt better for it.

    I am gonna chat with my Aunt tonight, again this is part of me trying to contact people. I definitely need to socialise more. I feel reaching out to my family is a good start.

    I have found a salsa class again, and a good group who seem to travel to other classes around, so I am going to take this up, it’s a local hobby and I have a good chance to make friends locally.

    Nearly PMO’d just now, I thought I would post now as a bit of a distraction.

    found watching some vids on scammers getting reverse scammed and kinda watching some anti contrepreneur on YouTube.

    bit of reverse brainwashing on my part I think.

    like I said I feel sad, but I do feel like I need to trust my instinct more. If I go into another relationship I must obey my gut. And not be quite as needy as I have been in all my relationships to date.

    I think the male support group will help with this
     
  10. N.O.FA.P.4EVER

    N.O.FA.P.4EVER New Fapstronaut

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  11. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Phew day 4, just had the cleaner round, she reckons 3 hrs a week to do a good job including her bringing materials. I think this’ll be a weight off for a while, not saying I’ll use a cleaner forever, but I can afford it and I hate cleaning!

    Going to Salsa tonight, looking forward to that. Just getting a slight urge to PMO now, not sure why. I guess as I’ve abstained from stimulation, the feelings are coming back. I’ve had this before, quite often I give is at this point. Gonna go n get changed, maybe nip to gym then head up for salsa class.

    Gonna drop something round for a friend too, so I’ll see if he’s free for a drink or something later this week.

    strange feeling again, not happy, not sad, think this is the flatline starting. Going to see counsellor (all being well) on Friday, think I’ll chase him for details, he said he’d be in touch, but haven’t received them yet.

    yeah sure I can get on and will push, I’ve managed around 30 days before, so I am just gonna take it a day at a time, not think about never PMO, or a number of days, I think that demotivates me. Just work on the here and now.
     
  12. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    A bit early today, gonna be with my son at usual time.

    Starting to feel like I am getting some sensation back, and also woke from a nap with ‘morning glory’ first for a while again.

    really enjoyed salsa last night, deffo need to keep this up, really not looking to meet a girl through this this time though. That’s how I met my ex wife. I don’t wanna have a hobby that I enjoy which is good for social skills and confidence get affected if I split up from someone.

    maybe at some point in the future I may feel more able to deal with relationships finishing, but right now I feel a tender.

    I wanna try working towards casual relationships, never had any before always ended up getting stuck into semi serious relationships.

    I think it’d be good for my confidence and sexual experience if I could get used to the idea of one night stands etc.
     
  13. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Day 6, early shift at work, but went straight to the gym after, stayed for about an hour and a half. Felt good, gonna start with a more structured routine again, now i am in the habit of going.

    Salsa again tonight, looking forward to that

    spent time practicing pelvic floor exercises, abstaining certainly seems to be helping. I was practice pelvic floor exercises and am noticing improvements in blood flow in the area.

    I refrained from PMO even tho I could’ve quite easily, so that’s a good thing. 6 days in and seemingly going well. Arranged to meet a friend tomorrow after work too. Can grab a bite or summat.

    While I do still feel a bit low, like I said I am feeling at the moment. Which is good, I feel like I am learning more about what is behind the facade I try to portray.

    Onwards and upwards, let’s get away from this negativity together.
     
  14. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Yeah, 7 days.

    been pretty good day, met my mate for summat to eat, had a rest then saw my counsellor.

    Very productive first session, I can see a good potential here.

    not huge about of PMO desire. Spoke about the situation a little today, about my performance anxiety etc. Good start, I can really see a way forward now.

    not much to report but feeling good so far, might go for a late night gym sesh or I’ll nip in before work tomorrow c how it goes
     
  15. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Day 8, feeling a bit harder today, combination of tiredness and resignation.

    got my son for a few days, so we’re gonna Do some stuff together.

    Managed to keep my urges under some control today, so happy with the small victories, they make the steps along the way much more bearable!
     
  16. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Feeling it today! Absolutely shattered, my mum called me, and it really made me feel quite emotional. I saw at the pub my ex worked at there was a vacancy advertised, I wondered if she was leaving and decided to unblock her on FB. Kinda wish I hadn’t, nothing new on there, no info.

    I am finding it tricky, I have held back my emotions for so long and this relationship really brought I a lot of things to the fore. While this is a very difficult time, it is important for me to be able to deal with them, and I think not crushing them or trying to mute them like I usually do is essential.

    this morning I noticed some of my fetish thoughts coming up
    I am very into feet and the idea of pegging and sometimes ts. My ex really wasn’t into the idea so I never pushed it, her ex was into feet and she only went along with it for him. Tiredness this morning has reduced my ability to stop focusing on these thoughts. Maybe this is also part of me becoming more open and less muted. Not PMO but wanted to post just to try and get the thoughts out.

    Really odd to be in this emotionally fragile place, unpleasant, but strangely fulfilling. I feel stressed but excited, I don’t know what’s happening, but I feel optimistic. This is really odd, usually when I’m sad I just keep turning the thoughts over and over.

    I know I unblocked the ex, I have to wait 48 hours to block her again, which I’ll do. I’ll also unfollow the pub n stuff. Even though I wasn’t as into it as her, I wanna feel the intensity of feelings we had at the beginning, and experience her intense feelings too. I need to move on, but I think I now know more about healthy relationships from 6 months with her compared to what I learned from 12 years with my ex wife.

    if u have read so far thanks, I am finding this a very therapeutic process, and it’s helping channel urges into something that’s helping me file my thoughts.

    all the love people, stay strong, whatever your struggles are
     
  17. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Usual daily post, day 9.

    FFS the ex messaged me via text, obvs trying to keep me in her orbit. I do still have feelings for her, but not convinced she does for me. Just gonna ignore this message, I got her on mute, but if she contacts again, I’ll have a think how I Proceed.

    I’ll be totally honest I think looking back there were signs that got me thinking it’s not gonna work, but this was down to me screwing up.

    I’ve decided, I’m not entering into conversation with her now, if she contacts again before I see counsellor, I’ll not reply, if it’s after I’ll see how our discussion goes. It’d be nice to reflect off someone.

    I really feel I need to see other people just for my own self even if I ended up seeing her again.

    She also always made a big deal she never gets back with exes thinking about it.

    this is a proper stream of consciousness here. I’m not doing it, I’m just gonna ignore, at least for the next 3 months. It’s very refreshing actually feeling feelings for a change.

    I just haven’t got a plan anymore, which used to fill me with dread, but I feel I am now more able to run with it and just see what happens.

    This one is a post of total drivel. But my PMO urge is limited, been having sexual thoughts they have been more in line with actual sex, more me being involved rather than playing a movie in my head over and over.

    I also decided to delete Tinder, I’m not into online dating, it’s how I met my ex, but I think that was just luck really. I find the whole process tedious and fake. Face to face is where it’s at, I just gotta get better at that!

    dunno why it’s so helpful posting these messages, but I am hoping this community and these posts can help me get to the end of this deep dark tunnel
     
  18. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Day 10, good long session at the gym. But feeling a little confused right now.

    not happy, Not sad, feeling a call toward PMO, so I tried a quick nap, not totally dealt with feelings, but I’m sure I can hold out for this.

    I am going to collect my son from reading club shortly so if feelings don’t subside, I’m just gonna head over early. Remove the opportunity.

    I got my support group tonight, looking forward to that, not gonna discuss the nofap stuff, I think it’s a bit too personal right now. Maybe if I am still going in a few months we’ll see.

    cleaner coming tomorrow, so that’ll be a good, it’ll save me hours, I take ages to clean so I feel it’ll be a worthwhile investment.

    In general I just feel a bit broken now, but this has been a long running thing. I don’t know if PMO is the cause or an effect of a sheltered, unfulfilled life. I am hoping to connect more with myself and become a bit more accepting of me and things I’ve done.

    I hope to get on with my life. I really am finding these new feelings very refreshing, and it is making my life a little more challenging, but refreshing, and helping me see how I can get over myself
     
  19. gingeralan

    gingeralan Fapstronaut

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    Support group was good, nice to talk and hear people who have been through some difficulties.

    Nice to talk about what we’ve been through and possible support ideas we’ve had.

    glad I went, nearly chickened out dunno why, but just went with it, tried not to think too much about it. Deffo worth it!
     

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