Starting again ... again

An unfortunate reset today, combo of tiredness and annoyance. Avoidable, but just went with it. I didn’t really enjoy it, and I didn’t feel it fulfilled any biological need. Even in the moment it didn’t feel that good tbh. Just sent me to sleep, as usual, and ended up not making it to salsa class.

Dear me

I am angry that i PMO and I didn’t stop myself, and go and do something else. I’m angry I didn’t take the many opportunities to leave the house and even just go and sit in a cafe. I can’t believe I let myself fall for it again. I am annoyed that it didn’t feel good or anything. I am really annoyed that I didn’t even stop myself part way through, I still continued.

I am sad that I spoiled a good streak, nearly 6 weeks, I’m sad that I didn’t make it salsa class, and I’m sad, just sad. Not sure why really, but it is just a deep seated sadness. Everything is just hardwork! I’m sad I can’t see an alternative right now. I’m sad that I can’t just give up my job and find something more fulfilling. I’m sad that seeing people isn’t more enjoyable for me. I’m sad that I am living on my own, with limited social opportunities. I’m sad I struggle to make friends and I just seem totally stuck here. Both physically and emotionally, I’m sad I didn’t let my cats come with me when I went to sleep, I feel I kind of ignored them.

I am afraid of being alone, I’m afraid of not getting through this. I’m afraid my life is going to be like this forever, not catastrophically awful, just a continual dull struggle, with nothing or really show for it. I’m scared my son will have this in his life too, I’m scared that my feelings will affect him. I’m scared he may not want the relationship with me that I want both with him and with my dad. He is the only thing really that gives me hope, and I’m so scared of messing him up.

I regret giving in to PMO temptation. I regret that I haven’t been more in the moment today. I regret that I’ve wasted today. I regret that I didn’t think of my cats when I went to PMO, I think a bit of extra care for them would’ve helped me to deal with my thoughts and share some time and affection with them.

I love Hamish (the cat in my profile pic) he has just come to sit with me while I’m writing this. He is very contented and I am so grateful he’s come to sit with me. He purring like mad at the moment, and really loves affection. His presence right now has lifted a big chunk of my sadness and fear. I love Angus too (my other cat) they both help me, and I love looking after them really, I just see them and feel a sense of us being a team. I know it’s strange, but we all do just seem to enjoy just hanging out together.

Love me

I would like to reply to myself:

Dear me

I know times are hard at the moment, but there are moment to enjoy and treasure. I love that I can see these moments, even thought I sometimes focus on the bad things. This shows me that there is light, and that I can get through this.

even when times are hard, I know I can take it and I know that I have. A loving family and cats that can help and support me. As I love being able to help and support them.

I need to get happier with myself before I really worry about a relationship, there is no point in bringing someone else into this at the moment. Being able to focus just on me will be very helpful, I can meet people and socialise and Have some ‘fun’. I’m better than I give myself credit for, remember this community is very supportive and has helped me a great deal with all issues in my life not just PMO, and I would like to say thank you to nofap for providing this avenue of support for issues surrounding PMO issues.

Love Me

 

Well gonna start again, had a bit of a relapse this weekend, a combination of low mood, tiredness and stress just drew me to PMO, everyday from Friday to today.

Ok I am not gonna beat myself up, let’s get back on the wagon, start again fresh and ready. I know I can do this, 40 days happened! I got 3 days off now to reorder myself and get back into a routine. Gym, looking after myself etc, without having to consider work.

literally just PMO so starting counter again from today. Yeah I did get an immediate buzz, and thought what am I stopping this for, then this last one just started bringing it back, Erection weaker, less sensation etc. Get back into salsa and gym and other more wholesome activities.

Disappointed? yes but please don’t give the pat on the back, I don’t deserve it. I made a mistake I get that. I now can get back on with the task in hand.

 

Felt good this morning! Fixed my door lock (it’s been stiff for ages) half an hour of adjustment and it definitely seems better.

Out the house now, quick coffee then headed for the gym.

I don’t know, it sort of felt like I needed PMO this weekend, probably chaser effect. But I’m just gonna take forward what I’ve learned. I can and do have the self control to avoid it. I just let things get in top of me.

I’m feeling a bit lonely right now. Just gonna try and feel why that is. Aside from the obvious. I mean I have been talking more with work colleagues etc. So it’s not like it’s down to genuine lack of socialising, it’s definitely a deeper connection back to when I was younger.

Really I do feel like I did back in the awful summer hols that never ended and I also didn’t want to end as it’d mean going back to school!

I feel strangely like that again. I don’t wanna be here but I also don’t wanna be there either. Fear and regret in spades here.

I really have nothing to regret, I’ve done ok, and academically I know that. But I just don’t feel it. I sort of feel I’ve taken the easy safe route. Not bad in itself, I’ve done ok for myself, but I guess in the maslo hierarchy of needs I am yet to find love/belonging, esteem and self actualisation.

Quite a nice model actually, it gives you some ideas of what order you need to build up in.

Love can be family and yourself, I’m working on that now, feeling much more connected with my mum now. Which is good, it’s nice to understand each other. I know it’s not healthy to be a mummy’s boy, and that’s not what I’m after, I just need her support right now, and I hope that we can get a healthy balance in that regard

 

24hrs now, feels good today, glad I managed it, been really great to have time to myself.

Got my son for a few days so that’s also nice! Improv got in touch to say there were some new classes starting soon, so I’ll see if I can make ‘em. Not sure as it’s a long way (60miles each way) and it’s not really in the new plan of trying to keep hobbies local, but I’ll make a judgement on individual circumstances.

Felt nice that they thought of me. They are a nice bunch.

Feeling positive and sort of feel the ‘em short relapse was quite useful. It confirmed I have a problem, I was starting to plan my days around PMO and it did make me stay in rather than doing things I wanted to do.

Frustrated as work, really feel I’ve just lost all enthusiasm for it. It’s a real shame as it’s the job I wanted right from being a kid!

I am doing the right thing I think, by making it a smaller part of my life. If I can reduce me attachment to the job I reckon I can deal with adverse situations. Also working to clear the mortgage is very rewarding. I can see an end to the drudge. This is making it more bearable. But we’ll see how it all goes.

all the best guys. Feeling ready for taking the challenge on again!

 

Just dropped my son off, and my mind keeps playing around with the idea of going home and PMO not going to the gym as intended.

I’m just in car park at the moment, gonna sit there for a few mins, breathe and get some sense of clarity.

I am feeling optimistic again, I can see the patterns and thoughts that start to cloud my judgement.

I certainly think the habitual (addictive) nature of this is damaging. It has impacts everywhere. I don’t feel I dropped right back into my pit that I was in at the beginning of January. I do feel I have most of the mental benefits, so I need to get back to healthier pursuits. Keep growing and improving.

I am still feeling a desire to go home and PMO, just gonna grab my gym bag and head straight out.

Gonna have 2 mins meditation in the car before setting off. I feel writing this has helped to let the initial thoughts dissipate.

 

Through 48 hours now! Feeling great after the gym today!!

Felt like I really did some good lifts. Started trying to make more conversation with people. Both in the gym and on the way to and from.

It’s something I have done in the past, and didn’t really appreciate how beneficial it was for me till I saw a ted talk on dealing with loneliness.

I just need to take away the focus on outcome of a conversation. Most of the time conversations are just pleasant. Instead of thinking I should try to get a phone number etc. I should just approach it, like I used to, just to pass the time of day, doesn’t matter if it’s man or woman.

I feel that this morning was probably the biggest PMO draw I’ve experienced since the beginning of January.

Really pleased that I made it through today. Feeling pleasantly tired now, been going on a caffeine reduction program too. So I am starting to actually pay attention to tiredness rather than just have another coffee.

I think this could be a good way to get my circadian rhythms back under control too. I’ve given up caffeine for brief periods before, I did feel better but did feel it was hard dealing with shift swapping from early to late etc. I’ll keep analysing this. Thinking about it this could’ve been what led to this latest relapse.

Pleased to be here now. Happy I’ve gone through this last week really. It’s been hard but the last 2 days have been a great opportunity to reset.

 

Just dropped my son at school and got the rest of the day and tomorrow to myself. Ordered the rational male from amazon, it’s out for delivery now, due by 1pm. I think I’ll wait in for it the. Go to gym as I got some time today.

Got a headache this morning, I think it’s caffeine withdrawal. So gonna have some toast and a decaf brew. Chill here till my parcel arrives then head for the gym and salsa tonight.

Feeling good today. I think the last 2 days have been a really good opportunity to sort my head out.

I think one major epiphany has been to think of my work as purely a way of earning (good) money. It’s no different finding a business opportunity that purely earns money but you aren’t passionate about, as doing a job that really is run by numpties!

Hope ur all having a great day!

 

Right, had a very bad roughly 2 weeks, almost daily PMO from end of feb to 5th March.

I have had a few things go on outside this and just fell back into old patterns, chaser effect etc.

But I just decided to use my latest trip as a new start. Not gonna post daily anymore, I’m gonna try and make better use of my time, read, socialise etc. but I will try and update on a weekly basis.

Since Friday my trip has been awesome, I met up with my sister and saw her new baby, then went out on a pub crawl and met an amazing girl, we had an awesome time and she did come back to my bed at the hostel, unfortunately I wasn’t able to get an erection due to a combo of booze and possibly PIED. But she stated with me for the night, and we spent all of Sunday together.

It was a really lovely experience and she is a lovely person. She lives in Australia so anything long term is just not an option sadly. We gonna grab a breakfast this morning before she moves on to her next destination.

I know that I can enjoy what we had, the moments were wonderful and we definitely connected on a few level.

This connection is what I am seeking, but I also understand that I need to realise that monogamy and exclusivity isn’t my goal. It’s a great experience to meet and spend time with women and enjoy out time together, in the moment.

This is now another driver and has proved to me that I am desirable and have value to offer. This is a new start and will require a big change in life habits to bring in.

I highly recommend’The rational Male by Rollo Tomassi’ im on my second read through already!

I am aware of the concepts from my long YouTube viewing history, but there is something about the book that just really seems to help me ‘get it’ more.

The PMO needs to stop, I’ll be discussing with my therapist how to move forward.

As Rollo says DO.THE.WORK!

 

So weekly update. On balance everything has been awesome! But I’ve had some real lows.

I’ve used the gym and physical activity to deal with the worst of things, I signed up for Les Mills on demand, basically exercise vids of the classes that are on in gyms. I have used these on the evenings when my son has been round, after he goes to sleep has always been a risk of relapse as I am just hanging around without being able to go out for gym or run or anything! So this has been a real refuge for me.

My holiday really made me realise how much my cats mean to me, and I have decided as part of my forward plan I will be working towards looking after them in the best way I can, I do take my actual fatherly responsibilities seriously, but it’s hard when he’s not round all the time. I can focus some of my energy that might get wasted on PMO into looking after my cats in a more mindful way.

I really made some big breakthroughs while I was away, but I am honest that that week is not sustainable, I can do more of them, but I do need to develop an ongoing strategy that doesn’t make me feel too far out of my comfort zone for my day to day life. I feel having a positive goal of actually being present with my cats and being the best ‘cat daddy’(I hate that phrase) I can.

I think the positive goals to achieve are much more beneficial in my going forward rather than just trying to avoid PMO.

 

16 days and a reset. Pleased in a way as I was gonna watch some porn, but decided against it and just had, what can only be described as a ‘mindful masturbate’. just in case anything I write may trigger I’ll hide the rest of this post.

Spoiler: What I noticed without porn

There wasn’t anything made or achieved, I felt a physical desire to masturbate, and went to one of my usual triggers, shopping for sex doll or sex toys.

I did look at a couple of sex shop sites, but said don’t get one, you’ll only regret it, then i thought, just go watch some porn and get it over with. I opened the home page of a well known site, and then stopped. I closed the browser and decided to wanted to see what it actually felt like.

If I am totally honest, I don’t know why I do it. I almost felt uncomfortable, I used lube, but the sensation between my loose grip and member just felt wrong. I could feel it working so carried on, but not really looking forward to it. When I finished, as I hadn’t m in over two weeks, there was a lot to clean up. But the actual o didn’t really feel like anything other than a very localised tickle.

i felt irritated and really didn’t have the usual high I might have expected. When I was on holiday and met the beautiful younger woman, even though we didn’t manage actual sex, I felt a real sense of elation, and connection, both with her and with myself. After this I just felt awkward and disconnected. I could feel a low level on anxiety kicking in, one of my usual ones, it’s quite strange, I start visualising a sum of money, almost thinking that would solve the anxious feeling I was in. I very briefly stated a figure of £97k.

I caught myself and this brought me back to me. I think I anxiety link is more a pavolvs dog type association, but more surprisingly was the total lack of enjoyment I got from masturbation.

I think I just tried to force myself to enjoy masturbating as it’s just accepted as an enjoyable activity amongst the general populous. Today I just confirmed I don’t! I am just in a habit, I felt a need today for a release so that is a positive, that I’m feeling, but it’s also a real positive for me to have not watched porn.

I think I was feeling horny due to a female colleague at work, we spent a while in fairly close proximity, just work related, but she is cute, into similar things to me, and loves travelling, ex navy so well travelled. I’m not gonna shit on my own doorstep, don’t think I’m in the right headspace now to date or sleep with someone from work. I think it’d end in tears.

So while it is a reset, I’m taking it as a positive, I really paid attention to my feelings and thoughts, without porn. It’s been a really nice, useful observation. I don’t think I like M it seems a very odd realisation. I never expected this opinion to develop!