Starting again

I have been using this site since March 2018, nearly 3 years, and in that time, I've made mistakes, I've celebrated milestones and I've recently celebrated the birth of our third child.

It hurts me to say this but, I am a fraud.

I have painted a picture of life that isn't accurate.

I still struggle with honesty with Tan, my wife, and I see the same traits coming out in our eldest daughter which kills me (but not enough to be honest still).

Yesterday Tan caught me out in another lie. I had edged earlier in the day at work, and the evidence was left in our toilet when I used the bathroom at home.

I had done this once before over a year ago, though that time was at home while Tan was at work.

I think I justified it as okay by telling myself that I stopped before finishing, and that it wasn't to porn, but then the question; why lie about it and hide it?

Now I'm not looking for sympathy, or validation. If anything some constructive criticism.

I have been looking for resources to get back on track and kick the lies and regain some honesty.

I've begun writing a new recovery plan, I will post the final version here probably tomorrow, and I want to start checking in with Tan again (I think using the FASTT format), and looking at maybe an online group (I've seen some on nofap recently started).

I'll leave it at that for now, but I will post here regularly with my journey.

 

I don't go to group at the moment, but that is definitely something that I'm now looking at. I also don't go to counselling or therapy, and I'm not sure about that at the moment, but might be a useful tool for examining deeper my issues around lying and dishonesty, but they may be things I can come to terms with in group.

I do listen to podcasts, and journal here, but clearly that isn't enough, and obviously my journal is a load of crap anyway.

I basically have been trying to do this as best I can in isolation, and that's something that I'm going to have to change. Only one of my friends knows about my struggle, but he is as far from helpful as possible, probably in his own denial about PMO, and even though he knows our situation, still makes jokes about porn with us as though it's "normal".

I am currently writing a recovery plan that I got from recoveredman.com (porn free radio podcast), which has some useful resources, and links to other resources.

Basically, I need to fundamentally change my view on recovery. Its exactly the same position as 3 years ago, but I've a bit more experience in where to look for help and advice. Hopefully that counts for something.

Thanks for the response, I know its probably hard to even respond to me here, given my hypocrisy. I've embarrassed myself, and I'm really grateful for the support.

 

I did read about IA, and some of the things seemed to be relevant to me, maybe it's something I need to look at again.

I've always been an intovert, and enjoyed my own company, so that is probably why I'm so reliant on myself, and hate seeking help from others. I guess there is probably something deeper there, and I think it's linked to a fear of being seen as a failure. I suppose that could have something to do with being seen as the "successful" "good boy" by my parents compared with my brother, and I always put a lot of pressure on myself to keep it that way, hence the lies and deception to hold up the facade.

I have contacted a few SAA groups to see if there are any places, no groups bear me, but that doesn't matter at the moment as they're all on zoom etc at the moment anyway. Haven't heard back yet, but I'm optimistic.

I did have some good tools, such as meditating, listening to podcasts (and taking notes), doing exercise, journalling feelings, but the only ones I kept up were meditating and listening to podcasts (without note taking).

I also intend starting to do FASTT check-ins (Feelings, Actions, Slip report/Sobriety check, Threats/Triggers, Tools implemented), I hope that it will stick this time. It reccomend weekly, but I think it would be best daily to start, and I know that it has to be me that initiates the check in, not Tan.

I'm optimistic about this, and I'm looking forward to hearing from the SAA groups, hopefully I will be able to talk with and share my story in group.

 

We did our first FASTT check-in yesterday, and I'm now listening to a podcast (PFR episode 106) all about this type of check-in to try and improve how I prepare for it. I tried prepping for it yesterday but got a bit confused with the sections Actions and Tools. I think actions should be what we do for recovery each day, and the tools are what tools have been implemented to overcome any slips or threats.

It went okay, I don't think Tan likes them, understandably, but over time I think it will be good to normalise talking about recovery regularly. Hopefully it does get easier.

Frustratingly, I still haven't heard back from any of the SAA groups, I'm looking for some more groups now, hopefully I get a bite soon.

 

I have been thinking about a lot of different things recently, and I have realised that I am constantly self deprecating. Every time I make a mistake, no matter how small, I insult myself, call myself stupid or an idiot or (my current most used) nob head.

I feel that this has something to do with the way I see myself, and also with the fact that I need a lot of acknowledgement for things that I do, in all aspects of my life, and feel that if people knew what really went on, they wouldn't see me the same.

I did another FASTT check-in last night, which went better I think. I had prepared it, and it went a lot smoother. I added some bits in to update it from when I wrote it out, but generally I think it went really well. Will aim to carry on doing them and preparing them the same.

I also got an email back from one of the SAA groups that I had tried to get in touch with which is great. They meet every Monday and Wednesday at 1930, hopefully I'll be able to make it, that time of the evening is often a bit hectic with getting kids to bed etc, so hopefully it works. I hoped for a weekend group, but you can't always get it perfect, and I'll have to work with it.

 

I talked with Tan last night and I'm gonna try an SAA group on Monday night. I'm actually pretty excited about sharing in group and I'm gonna talk to the leader at some point before hand.

I also told Tan of a threat in the moment while on my lunch yesterday. I don't use Facebook very often but I still get notifications and I noticed that I had a couple of friend suggestions. When I checked the pictures in the notification panel, I noticed not only that I didn't know them, but they were semi nude pictures of women. I decided to take a screenshot of it and sent it to Tan. I think it triggered Tan a little, and brought up questions that I answered, but I think it worked well to stop the threat and bring it into the open, and that's how I want to be moving forward.

 

I've been sticking to doing FASTT check-ins every evening so far, and I think it's getting easier, especially when I prepare the sections in advance. I don't have to flounder and think about it in the moment as much as I already have thought about it in advance. It also seems to start conversations, and we talked the other night about SA group, which hopefully I'll be starting on Monday evening via Zoom, and we had a long talk going over other things.
Its been tough, but I feel really optimistic about our situation, and I feel ready to make changes.
Tan said yesterday that she doesn't know if she will ever be able to trust me again, and the truth is, she might not, but I'm gonna fight to try and get it back. I think it will even motivate me to be better. I'm going to add it to part of my plan as one of my reasons why I'm doing this.
I'm going to update over the weekend too, and keep up doing the check-ins as weekends are often where I have been complacent in the past, so keeping it up is a goal of mine.

 

This morning was great, other than tiredness from a night of feeding and settling a baby. I had my first ever SAA group meeting, which Tan was really supportive of, and everyone in the group was amazingly welcoming. I have now gained a load of numbers from members, and I'm in a group chat, where they have given me resources and help for starting my SAA journey.

I also got a couple of calls from people in the meeting this morning, which all makes me feel really optimistic about starting group, and raises the question: Why haven't I done group before?

I've heard stories about bad groups, where there was no hope or real recovery, but this does not feel like that, I got the feeling that it just clicked. I shared, but not as much as I wanted, it is kind of terrifying, but I expect it will get easier as I get to know people. The next meeting is on Tuesday and I'm looking forward to it.

 

Well, I really enjoyed group yesterday, and have received several phone calls from guys in the group, which is great, and really encouraging and welcoming.

The only problem I have is that the group is nearly 300miles away, and the nearest group is between 50 and 60 miles away, so it will probably end up staying as a zoom meeting for me, meaning I'll not get the benefit of actually meeting these guys. I'm really looking forward to sharing more and getting to know them though.

This weekend has been really good, and I haven't felt as optimistic about recovery for a long time. I think I need to keep current with Tan as well as keeping up with all my tools and daily routines. Hopefully I'll keep the momentum up. I know times will not always feel so positive from experience, but the saying goes "the more you sweat during times of peace, the less you bleed during times of war"...

 

Well the first meeting was really good, even over Zoom. I just hope that once we go back to "normal" that the zoom meetings continue and don't cease, else I'll have to find a different group. I think I'll ask when I call one of the members later.

I am preparing the FASTT check-in for later as well, and will update it before I talk to Tan. I feel like the FASTT check-in has been working pretty well so far. Its opened up a bit more conversation, and I think generally that over the past few days we have been talking more about recovery than we have for a long time, I think partly because Tan was intrigued by how the meeting went, and partly because these conversations are getting more normalised. Things are feeling good.

 

Had a call with a group member yesterday which was good, talking about spirituality not meaning the same to everyone in group, that not everyone is religious in group and he was pretty uncomfortable about it to start with but now he sees it as something else important, but not God. We also talked about getting a sponsor and going to more groups in the future. A question he had was about joining a group closer so there could be a closer connection to the group. Obviously the closest SAA group is a long way away so he suggested AA groups. Not sure how I feel about that, but we will see.

I have ordered the big book, and am probably gonna invest in a copy of the green book too. Still feeling pretty positive about recovery at the moment, and things between Tan and I feel better than last week.

I've got another meeting tonight which I'm looking forward to, which is a bigger meeting with more people, and more conventional than on Saturday which was a book reading meeting.

I listened to a podcast today that talked about discussing porn and addiction with our kids. One of the resources he suggested was a book called "Good pictures, bad pictures" and a Jnr version for younger kids. These books are to make it easier to introduce the conversation of porn with kids. He also mentioned that it would be good to talk about sex from an early age, to talk about the good, healthy things about sex, to dispel the ideas that sex is for personal gratification that is portrayed in porn. Our kids will be exposed to porn at some point, so we need to provide them with the tools to deal with it when they are. Kids will eventually be aware of boundaries that you have in place as well, and that would be a good topic to discuss, to give them context on how it has affected you, as well as the reasons behind boundaries around technology etc.

 

I didn't end up joining the meeting yesterday. I am dissapointed, but Tan had had a really bad day and needed me to be there to help with the little one.

We had some bad news from mechanics working on Tans car, who have said that repairs are likely to be expensive. Tan is getting pretty stressed at the moment about money, as because of maternity leave she is on a reduced income and this is just another thing adding to that financial stress.

I will still be in the meeting on Saturday, which will be another book reading session, and I'm keeping up with other commitments to being active, and I want to start working the steps soon in group.

 

Today is going okay, but busy. Tan has been getting stressed out a lot more recently, which is understandable, especially when it comes to the kids fighting and arguing and shouting at each other. I know that a lot of it is because of what's happened between us, which is painful. I hope that I can change things with time and effort.

Think I'm gonna look at some more tools that I can work on to help with things. I've prepped a FASTT check in for later, will look at writing out my circles as well.

 

Last night was a nice night. The girls were playing nice, Tan was in a good mood, and we had a nice meal. The little one woke up when we were eating and cried which woke the eldest who came downstairs and got upset, but I got the little one settled and went upstairs with our eldest and got her settled and we had a good evening.

I have to admit, I didn't check in the past couple of days with Tan. Not that I needed to disclose anything, but I know that I need to keep it up regularly and I've written out another to do for tonight.

I'm glad for the weekend though, and I have a group meeting tomorrow morning which I think will be good. I pray for a good night sleep.

 

This weekend has been pretty good, we didn't do a great deal, but was good to be off. Admittedly we needed to do some more housework than we did, but we did do some washing, which was very exciting...

I attended my group meeting on Saturday which was a book reading, going through sections of the big book of alcoholics anonymous. Considering the book was written in the 1930s, its crazy how relevant and inspiring it is.

The section we were going through was talking about the partners point of view of the addict being in group, and how the partner might feel. Admittedly this part of the book is still written by Bill in his wife's shoes, so sounds a bit strange in the way its written, but it's still really on point mostly.

I've also made and received calls from guys in the group, which I actually quite like. It's an extra layer of connection and gives several people you can talk to about this topic that you maybe don't have other than your partner.

 

Today is going well. I had a check in last night with Tan which was okay. I dunno if Tan really likes them yet, but I felt better having checked in, even if there wasn't much to discuss. I've also been keeping up with conversations with guys from the group.

We tried to get our youngest into his own room last night which didn't go too well, he ended up back with us and Tan was awake from 3am so we are tired today...