I have relapsed a handful of times now, funny thing is i didnt even have access to porn!, i did buy some hentai manga recently that i threw out today, that and some toys. I am ready to be free this time, i am tired of constantly relapsing over and over. So i am starting a new, i think leaving home and living in a foreign country kind of threw me off into a dark spiral, my comfort i once knew is far from reach, something i must hold close to me in my memory now. But i cannot use that as an excuse to give up, chapter 2 of my life has started and i cannot allow myself to stay like this, i ran a lot last night for the first time, worked out hard, took a cold shower, as long as i keep doing what i know i need to do i know i will be fine, i can feel the change, i can feel it ready to burst free from me ready to take flight, the light i have been chasing has always been right infront of me, i will run to it. I have improved a lot despite relapsing, my stress is almost non existent, so is my depression and anxiety, i have not had any suicidal thoughts in a long time now, i can thank the ashwaganda pills for all of that. One thing i realized is no matter where you go in life you will always feel the same way deep inside, i used to think if i got away from my home town i would magically become a different person, but that is not reality, i live in Japan of all places now, the place i dreamed of all my teen years, the place i yearned for above all else, but guess what?, nothing has changed, just my location. Change starts inside of you, you can go anywhere you want, see everything there is to see, but in the end everything you need is already inside of you, you just need to listen to your intuition, trust what you know is right, if you believe in God than cling to him and draw knowledge and wisdom from him, everything you need you already have, there truly is no place like home... Dont try being someone you are not, i used to want to be the heroes in my anime, i wanted to be cool like them, have their confidence, their looks, i wanted to be them and not me, so glad i do not feel like that anymore, now i realize all you can be is yourself, everyone has a true self waiting for them, the better version of you only you can achieve, you are unique in your own ways, something only you have, so dont be so hard on yourself, do your best.