I found out two days ago that my boyfriend of over a year is addicted to porn and has been in the throes of his addiction for two years, and has been watching porn since the age of 13 (he is 19 and so am I). Here is the content of the thread I posted when I first found out: "I found out that my boyfriend of a year is addicted to porn. I was on his laptop and found that he had been looking at pictures of naked girls and amateur porn despite telling me numerous times that he doesn't watch porn and doesn't feel the need to because I send him pictures often (we are in an ldr most of the time) and finding this out completely devastated me. I confronted him and he told me that he has been addicted to porn for 2 years. He broke down and cried and told me that I was the only person he wants but I feel cheated and betrayed considering he lied to me for our entire relationship telling me he doesn't watch porn. He has tried to cut down on the amount of times he has done it but has done it in the past week which leads me to believe he will do it again. He has told me he is going to go to meetings for other porn addicts but I can't help but think he will lie to me again about this. If he does I will end our relationship because I have been lied to and cheated on in the past and I don't deserve this." In the past two days I have found out more about the extent of his addiction. He has not told anybody about it apart from me because I found everything. He watches solo porn mostly and also live cam shows which to me is worse than regular porn because I feel like he's masturbating to girls who could be normal people like me and that makes me feel cheated on. He has said he doesn't watch regular porn because it's too 'violent' but I don't believe him. I just think he prefers watching girls get themselves off. He also uses nude photos of me that I have sent him during our LDR in conjunction with porn which makes me also feel disgusting and put in the same category as porn stars. He has denied that any of this is true but I still feel this way. I will be making a list of boundaries that I want him to know about so our relationship can mend. At this point we have had sex since me finding out about his PA but I kind of regret it because I don't want him to think that he can just use me instead of porn for completion. In the future I want to see his web history from the day before we have sex or do anything sexual in nature as he would not deserve sex if I found out he had viewed any inappropriate content. I have installed the K9 web protection on his computer and blocked all the porn sites he uses and also all porn in general as well as adult content. He seems very committed to me that he wants to stop this as he thinks its disgusting and shameful and he wants to stay with me and fix our relationship. I feel as though it has been damaged very badly but if he can make an effort to successfully beat his PA by going to meetings, abstaining from masturbation completely for 90 days and being honest about his addiction then I feel like we can more forwards. Otherwise it will be over as I don't want to be with someone who has a PA and can't fix it. Massive entry for my first post but I needed to get so much stuff off my chest. I am the only one who knows and I feel so alone.
You have a good grip on what you want from your relationship. That's good. Don't expect anything less, imo. I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. You are entitled to your feelings and what you want from your future. Don't forget that and keep moving forward, everyday. Good luck.
Thank you so much. I know this is going to be a really difficult and life changing journey for both me and my SO but I am hoping that we can get through this. I will never lower my expectations of what I need him to do in order for me to feel reassured that he won't relapse and use again.
I am glad you took some of the suggestions! Truly, stand up for yourself and don't let him try to change your mind. I also relate to when I first had sex with my fiance after d-day I felt like I he didn't deserve all of the attention, sex, and love I was giving him. I have to say though, I made it clear that just because we had sex didn't mean things were better. He knew he had a lot of work to do to show me he was done with his addiction and dedicated to healing our relationship. Take one day at a time, breathe, make sure you have time for yourself to take care of you. For me, journaling, a nice hot shower or bath, or writing, or watching my guilty pleasure tv show always helped me feel better in the worst of times through out this journey. Find things that make you happy and do those things when things get tough. I am glad you have figured so much out, and wish you and your boyfriend the best luck in this journey of recovery!
Thank you so much for your advice! It's been so helpful, I would have been totally lost trying to figure this out without any help. Every time I feel that he is not fully on board with my boundaries I ensure that he knows that I will not back down on what I want. I am firm and I am making sure he knows that if he doesn't do the things I expect of him I will not put up with it and I will leave. We are going to try to maintain a healthy sexual relationship so he can cut out PM but still O, but only with me and during sex with me. I feel that this will help him a lot. I am trying so hard to care for myself and not let my emotions run wild. But I've been working a lot recently and I will be working nearly every day this week so it will be hard for me to have time for myself. I don't want to relapse myself into bad habits that I used to have. That is a big worry of mine. I am ready for this long journey to his recovery.
Today I woke up to a message from my boyfriend. He had told me that during the night he had been woken up by drunk teenagers outside his house, and as his urges usually happen when he's alone, he had one at around 2am. But he told me that he didn't look at his phone because he didn't want it to wake him up and also it would probably encourage him to look at porn, and after that it took him a while but he went back to sleep. Again he woke up before his alarm (he had to work at 8am) and had another urge. But he did the same thing and didn't look at his phone and went back to sleep. So he overcame two urges by himself. I am really proud of him for doing so, even though he didn't let me know about the urges when they happened because I asked him to call me if they do happen but that would have meant waking up properly by using his phone to call me so I don't blame him for that. Anything to make sure he doesn't use again. At the same time though I feel really uncomfortable knowing he has had an urge at all. It still makes me feel so panicked and sick and upset knowing that he wants to watch porn. But I am so glad he didn't relapse. At this point it has been 10 days since the last time he did PM. We have discussed it and we are still going to allow him to O but only with me during sex. I have told him I need him to abstain from masturbation for at least 90 days while he overcomes the worst of it. But I think I will need it to last longer than that.
When my fiance had urges I felt anxious and sick too, quite panicked. I totally understand that. Another thing, as my fiance and I have gone through healing we were able to talk about his porn use, the reasons he used, and why he used while with me. He told me that he conditioned his body for 10-12 years to pmo 2-3 times a day, so when with me, his body was going through withdrawal, and he felt like he had to use to make the urge go away. In the end he told me he hated porn for a while before he met me and used because it was the only way he could get to sleep. So your bf may just be craving the high feeling, not necessarily the porn (girls) you know? It took me almost a year to comprehend that, but I just thought I would throw that out there. Addictions are tricky, complicated, and difficult for an outsider to understand. If you want to understand urges, Pmo and why people get addicted, yourbrainonporn is a great site with tons of scientific information explaining addiction. It really helped me in the beginning when I really wasn't able to comprehend it.
My SO has a trigger calendar. He found this helpful the last two years. So he could see the time of day he was most likely to urge or see external triggers and the where and what's of it all. Over time he noticed it getting further apart. He was able to make plans for when he noticed This everyday after he saw weekly patterns and so on. Just a suggestion. My guy likes lists tho. I write about it in my journal. If you want more details.
Haven't been on here in a while, but recently I've been feeling totally overcome with feelings about the fact that my SO is addicted to porn. We haven't spoken about it much recently because he doesn't like so, so I have no way of knowing whether or not he has been looking or has been having urges. Right now i feel like I want to cry about it it's totally overwhelming. I am on vacation at the moment and so we are in different countries meaning my bf is alone or with friends, his friends talk about porn and girls a lot and I feel like this might make him want to watch porn and PMO. I can't believe him or trust him even when he sends me his history because he doesn't have a porn blocker on his phone and so could watch porn on his phone and then delete the history. I keep thinking about the things I saw on his laptop in his history and imagining him doing things and it makes me sick to my stomach. My anxiety is really bad now and I keep lashing out at him and people I know and it's so difficult. I don't know what to do.
You need to outline a list of your boundaries. Be firm about your boundaries and expectations. You need this to be able to be somewhat in control of your feelings & emotions. You can't control him and his decisions necessarily but you can control and make clear what your willing to put up with. If he doesn't want to talk about it that is a bad sign.
