Starting my journey. Enough is enough! (Journal)

Hi,

I am a 21-year-old Male from India from a highly reputed law school.

Disclaimer: This is my entire life story. It is a bit long. If you manage to read it, I appreciate you for your patience.

The funny thing is, that I cannot even remember when it started. Back in the day, we did not have internet at home so I used to go to dad's office to surf social media. I was bored but still continued looking at stupid posts. Ultimately, I got a chance when I was alone. I searched for "nude woman" and the pics popped up. I did not know about the existence of porn and google images of naked women were also enticing. There was a lot of fear and guilt but those emotions were suppressed by another biggey- "teenage thrill". Anyway, I do not think that was harmful at all because it happened just once and there was no such instance for the next two years.

Forward to 2012, I was now a 13-year-old teenager. Just then, on my wish, we got internet at our house. For months, I just used it for surfing facebook. But ultimately, my dopamine levels must have hit a satisfaction chord. On June 22, 2012, I searched for the first porn website. I do not remember any friend telling me about porn websites so it's a mystery of how I came up with it. I saw the first porn video. I felt a rush in my chest I had never felt before. My penis was constantly trying to come out of the pants but I did not know what to do. I watched for a few minutes and shut it. It was a weirdly happy day. On June 23, I reopened the website with the same result. It started becoming the sole pleasure source in my life because I was not getting any female attention in school (to be fair to the girls, I was a fat fuck who tried to be funny). A similar thing followed on June 24. June 25 was a Sunday which meant my parents would be home. I cannot believe to date what I did on that day. For context, my room did not have a working lock. My mom was teaching my younger brother in the hall and I fucking watched porn in my room. I knew the risks and I still did what I did, something I will forever beat myself up for. On June 25, I had an hour to me. I browsed and found a lesbian video. That was my first ejaculation (without even touching my penis). The feeling was so awesome, little did I know what I was getting myself into.

June 29 2012: Officially, the worst day of my life. A day before my birthday. I came home after a school exam. I started watching like the week before. My dad came home for lunch and I didn't realise it. He saw me and I was busted. I pulled the plug of my desktop in a hurry. I ran away from home. Yes, you read it right. I ran away from home and was on the streets for hours. I walked 4 kilometres without any money or water or pretty much anything. I did not know where to go. Hundreds of thoughts rushed through my mind during that walk- the primary one being fear. I am not going to go into any more details because it is painful to recollect. Long story short, they found me and I got a big tight slap. Internet from home was taken away, for good. The next few months were really good which I did not realise. I became a national-level boxer. I was 13 years old but participated in Under-17 Games and still managed to reach Nationals- quite an achievement in my opinion.

2013: I got a tablet android and initially avoided porn. But then I tried to hide stuff by creating hidden folders and downloading apps. I gathered a good porn collection. Someone at school told me about masturbation. I tried it while watching porn and no rocket science, it came off. I left boxing and started this cycle of porn and masturbation.

The entire 2013 went away fapping to porn. In late 2013, I tried masturbating without porn once. Took a lot of time and imagination but it did come off. What was left by then anyway? Every night I started masturbating to the thoughts of my schoolmates. I became a fat fuck and had a huge dip in self-esteem. The very girls I imagined about at night, I would not have the courage to talk to them. I started having sleepiness and drowsiness for entire days and my teachers did complain to my parents but alas, nobody could figure out why (not even me). I tried conveying to a girl that I liked her and I could not. Instead, I kept starring at her in the class and messaging her on facebook making her supremely uncomfortable meanwhile not even realising it. She had to text me that "I am not interested, please stop sending me Hi and stop starring at me in the class."

2014: I became ugly and felt ugly because of the pigmentation of face and growth of man boobs. The self esteem I had built as a boxer now came down on the negative side of X axis. I could not even understand Maths- the subject which I used to top. My hair growth became weird but again alas, nobody could figure out why. Had a nice daily routine of fapping to the thoughts of my schoolmates. The year was better because of less porn and just fapping but was damaging nonetheless. However, I realise now that my sole life purpose had become chasing girls.

2015: Got introduced to a junior- who was a year younger. Instantly shifted my attraction and started to woo her. Somehow, because of porn, I had zero aura. I had literally zero fucking personality. OBVIOUSLY, she wouldn't be attracted to me. But I was too narcisstic to realise that. To be fair to me, she was a bit dumb in her signals and all but the point is I screwed it up, once again in supreme fashion. I kept wooing her for entire year and her answer was that she was not interested in dating. Imagine what porn had done to my mind- I could not even understand and accept a No for a No.

-----------ROCK BOTTOM---------------------------

More porn
More fap
Anxiety (without realising it)
Total focus on getting girls with zero success.
No social capital except my intelligence.

----------------------TRYING TO RISE UP---------------------------

2016: Without realising fapping was the issue, I focused on productivity. A big entrance exam for law schools was coming in April. I started preparing religiously. Somewhere I lost the habbit of porn and fapping. But the dumbfuck that I was, I did not realise that all my productivity was because of Not Fapping.

I aced that exam and landed up in an elite law school.

I had a new chance of making real connections. Instead, my sole focus was having a girlfriend. My friend group consisted of 7 girls and me. For some reason, I couldn't make male friends (which is now apparent). I did not know how to convey that I liked someone. I used weird stuff like following her, giving unsolicited advice and cracking unlimited jokes. I neither got a girlfriend nor any real friend.

Anxiety, anxiety and anxiety (without realising it).

November 2016: I joined a gym. The exercise left me so drained that I could not masturbate even if I wanted to. I could not watch porn because I had no urge to. My sole focus was my body. I could see visible muscle growth and confidence boost. If someday I fapped, I could not perform at gym so I realised that it is important to not masturbate for muscles (Thank God that I thought that way).

In 2 months, I had a body nobody could have imagined. From a fat fuck to a 6 pack abs guy.

Jan 2017: Everyone was impressed with my body. I noticed that a lot of attention was coming to me. I tried to woo a girl. Again, I did not know how to. I failed (that's because of a totally different issue of 'nice guy syndrome').

Kept working out. Minimum fapping.

April 2017- The girl and I kissed. For the first time. I was mesmerised to be honest.

May 2017- Had sex for the first time. Hurray...... except PREMATURE EJACULATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God she was a virgin so she did not notice and anyway I couldn't get it in.

We got into a relationship and things changed then.

My focus shifted a bit and now I started making male companions, focusing on my hobbies, and what not. I was finally coming out of my hollow life. However, I stopped working out. WORST. DECISION. EVER. I was 76 Kgs with 15% body fat. (March 2020- 94 Kgs with 30% body fat).

2018- Things went on. I returned to Porn and masturbation. Sometimes I have sexual problems. Premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction and even delayed ejaculation. My relationship continued but my aura decreased. I now realised the effect fapping causes on my body.

From mid 2018 to today August 2020, I have been trying to stop myself but it is impossible because of porn accessibility. The lockdown because of Covid does not really help. I have become a fat fuck again. My girlfriend will obviously not leave me because I bring my mind to the table. However, everytime I fap to another girl, it feels like I am cheating her. The feeling of shame and guilt are something I cannot overcome.

I have been regularly exercising since June 2020. I reduced 4 kgs and have seen significant changes in body but I still cannot get over fapping.

This is the end of my 3rd day of the latest streak. I am pumped up this time. I am sure it will work out. I have it so far under control because I have controlled my triggers.

I'd love to make an accountability partner though.

Will keep posting how I feel everyday.

 

Day 4 morning: I had stayed up last night watching a movie. Consequently, I woke up late in the morning. I was lying on the bed till noon. For the last 3 hours i.e. 9 AM to 12 noon, I was kinda half awake. I did not have morning wood. But I had nothing to think about. I started imagining about my female friends and touched my dick. The moment I touched it, it grew big. But I suddenly realised that this was a trigger, and I took my hand out and diverted my thoughts. Such thoughts kept on coming till I finally got out of bed but since I was aware this time, I ensured that I did not touch myself. I think this was a close call and my body is testing me. I am constantly having some irritating feeling which I know is nothing but withdrawal symptoms. I have a heavy head and am trying to get out. The only fuel that keeps me going is the motivation to be free of these internet masters of mine.

On a side note, I have also logged out of my Instagram account. I can't delete because I have a business account to run. The feed of the business account is quite clean. I am happy to have identified and removed a trigger.

 

Thanks man!

 

I pray that I do.

 

Day 4:

This was a bit heavy to be honest.

As I wrote earlier, there were urges in the morning.

I got 2 free hours in the afternoon and I was tempted but I was still pumped up so I managed.

Once Instagram is gone, I feel I have no triggers.

Whenever I had an urge, I went to my brother's room for general chitchat.

Had a good shoulder workout session.

Started working on case summaries.

Feeling energetic and inspired about work and career. I have set up a short term goal for 3 days. Lets see how it goes.

 

Hey bro, good that you know about this at your age. 18 days seems great to be honest. Let's become better.

 

Thanks.
Workout helps in 2 ways (other than obvious benefits) :
1. It takes away the energy to fap.
2. You will consciously know that fapping will negate your workout results.

These 2 things keep us 'mindful' of not fapping which I believe is very very crucial.

 

Day 5: Weirdest and funniest thing.

Had a morning bed dream (like when I was 10% awake). Weird fucking dream. I dreamt that a girl from my college has uploaded an Instagram video of dancing wherein she suddenly rips her top off. In the same video, all her friends do the same.

Had me there for a moment, wouldn't lie. I now have knowledge about my deep fantasy of sudden nudity.

As it was a dream, the thought about nofap did not even come to me. But something felt wrong. I woke up suddenly and realised that I was fapping in real life. I stopped immediately and the day was saved. Phew, close.

The entire day 5 has been very stressful. I have a slight headache and this constant irritation of something- I don't know what. My body has this very high urge of chewing something but don't know what.

I am focusing on my work and am happy that it is another battle won.

Signing off folks, to live another day and to fight another one.

 

Day 6: Relatively milder day.

Focused on the cricket match today, enjoyed a bit.

There is however some issue with my headache, it just doesn't go away and I have random shivers. Maybe it's because of the weather.

My energy and motivation grow larger every second. 90 days. Still a long shot. But I will get it

 

Hey man, thanks for your support. As I told earlier, she does not even know about my porn addiction because it is relatively mild. About that incident, I can sleep at night because I know for a fact that she did not even realise that I ejaculated because it wasn't even mid-sex. She was probably in a bit of pain because of the first time.
About fapping, I humbly differ. Fapping also gives us a dopamine and oxytocin hit which I believe we should rather get from real-life achievements. That's why I have no fapping included in my goals. Despite a lot less harmful than porn to the mind, it is equally harmful as porn to the body in my opinion. My best muscle growth has happened during the time I have not fapped. There is a lot of differential opinion on this, but right now I want to ensure I don;t fap as well. Once again, thank you for your kind words.

 

Day 7:

Relatively mild, urges still there but in lesser magnitude.

Watched the Parasite today and I felt a real rush when I saw the lead actress. It's like the urges returned. Further, there was a semi sex scene in the movie which greatly turned me on. I got a boner but didn't fap. Honestly, I was just too busy admiring the beauty of the actress that I even missed certain of her dialogues.

Still, I feel a lot more confident now.

Really wished this buzzing light headache would go away.

Me:7;
Porn industry:0