Starting on This Journey

Hi,

I'm 26, male, Indian. I'll write a slightly long post on why I'm here and then get on to my NoFap journey. Some of you may pass on this (It's long, different to your experience) but I request anyone with a similar journey or even any advice to comment. I've been reading a lot online to describe what I'm going through and I stumbled across autogynephilia. In some sense it describes me.

I was a lonely child. Didn't play a lot with others or have very close friends when I was growing up. My siblings are 5 years older than me and we don't have that strong a connection as I see others have with siblings who're one year apart. My parents discouraged me having a girlfriend and my mother had anger issues because of which I often suffered physically. I developed acne and got a lot of scars. I'm still pretty attractive, tall and girls have often taken an interest in me, It's usually been me who's retracted from girls.

I read a lot and started reading books and porn from a female perspective (There is so much out there). Because I was so beat down (Physically by my mother) at home I guess I developed a situation where I wanted to be 'taken care of'. Any attractive 'bad boy' that I encountered in my life, who was confident and free - I would immediately be attracted to them. I played with toy kitchen sets to 'make my home' and I also started writing (Novels, Stories) at the same time and created rich fantasies in my mind of a life with someone (With me as the female - physically a totally different person). This skill of escape/coping became a liability because I started imagining situations where I was a girl married to these men- dominated, but loved nonetheless. Not that I developed an absolute aversion to girls - I still got attracted to girls - boobs and whatnot. But the girl had to be perfect - porn star like - and girls like that are hard to come by.

At the same time, I battled OCD. I had a habit of touching things multiple times 'lest something bad happen', and this was something I finally got victory over by training myself to realise what bullshit this was. This was the first time I controlled something and won. I don't have those OCD habits now. That gives me confidence that this NoFap journey is also something I can do.

In the last days of high school and then college, I wondered if I was gay and tried watching gay porn - but realized that did not excite me. I am definitely not gay. I'm not transgendered either. I don't want to physically transform, don't cross-dress or want to and have no interest in looking feminine. There is a lot of debate about autogynephilia online - that it's a way to depress or demean the transsexual community - but I really think the term describes me - without me coming even close to being transsexual. I developed these fantasies to battle the lack of self-esteem I felt at the time and to feel safe for some time in my thoughts - these men would be my rescuers from some kind of physical abuse. And then fueled by porn, it became a habit. I started imagining myself as the girl.

In college I realised what was happening and I went through a sort of reconditioning period. I started imagining myself as the guy dominating the women and started getting pleasure from it. A whole world opened to me - though I still have no super-close female friends (Went to a college almost 90% male) and I still did not find a girl who I was falling for as I've seen so many of my friends do. There were still men around me (Strong, Handsome, angry types) who I'd be attracted to - but these would fade after months - unhappy months where I would cyber-stalk their profiles, construct fantasies about them - some inspired by the porn that I was watching. This re-inforcement from porn has been making these feelings get worse everytime. The latest I've been infatuated with is one of my best friends (Another Strong, muscular, angry person) . He is commited to someone in a long-distance relationships and I know has had casual sex with other women. Yet I have the same fantasies about him as about others before.

We were seperate for several months when he had to stay home and that is when I went naturally fap-free for many day periods. I started going to the gym (Lost a lot of fat), am getting treatment for my acne scars and made new friends. Still not a lot of girls around me. (My workplace is 3-4 % female), and I've moved to a location where there's no avenue to meet girls. Ever since he came back, I've started obsessing and fantasizing again - but have kind of controlled it. I want him to be happy in his life and him to stay in mine as a friend.

I've been contemplating things for some time now how I came into this cycle of things on the sexual and personal front. I'm professionally very successful though very young, am good looking (Just need to put on some muscle and lose some fat - I have male model looks, trust me) - but this 'autogynephilia' eats me up several times in a day. I think this all was a cycle.

• Because I needed support when growing up I got attached to this figure of 'being taken care of' to a stronger person.
• Most porn that I watched (And is available) has some level of domination - and control - and this made me attracted to being in the dominated/submissive role. If I could submit, maybe the other person would take care of me.
• This cycle kept growing till a time I started constructing elaborate life fantasies. Hell, I even wrote half a novel from a women's perspective, some of it sexual. Don't remember it much now, I must have been fourteen when I did this.
• Kept watching more and more porn. Masturbated almost everyday on average. Several times a day in some cases.
  
• It's come to a situation sometimes that I can't go to sleep unless I get tired by masturbating to porn.
• I am attracted to the girl in the porn videos now and identify as the male. So that's a positive and I've realized this is something that comes naturally to me. Ever since this and when I started going to the gym, I'be been interested in 'boy/man' things. I'm even partially crazy about cars / gymming now.
• The autogynephilia is still there - I do construct fantasies about a life with my friend sometimes though I'm trying and maybe even learning to control these thoughts.

Realized after seeing my friends (The same trope - attractive, strong, angry) fall in love with 'Average-looking' girls that maybe my expectations were being coloured by porn - and this could be very hard to get rid off. It was becoming a way of rejecting women others were going after.

And herein comes the #NoFap journey. Having read so many of your positive stories I have a feeling this could help mitigate the dysphoria in my brain or thoughts. Maybe If I watch less porn, exercise more, these thoughts will slowly dissipate and I'll find engaging in a normal relationship with a girl more easy. The loneliness will go away and I'll feel more positive.

I went 40 hours without fapping after reading about #NoFap and it was exhilarating feeling the control. While a boring Sunday got in the way, I'm more than committed to make this a success. I went out yesterday and enrolled with a personal gym trainer. Am more positive about being on a journey which seems to have helped a lot of people.

Looking for your support and advice.

 

Hey, Thanks for your reply rayzyzz. I'm doing two-three things:

• Going to the gym everyday.
• Keeping myself busy.
• Meeting more and more people. Trying to be more sociable.

Hoping to control the fantasy creation, since a lot of it comes from porn imagery itself.

I know what you're saying about alpha/beta males. I'm going to be an alpha I know it. Just have to fill up on all the alpha skills I haven't.

 

When I posted my story here several years ago, I never imagined the struggle would be long, but it is.

But here I am 4 and a half years later, probably better in some ways and have learnt a lot.

I have been able to get over the autogynephilia I mentioned in a big way. I am now talking to a lot of girls on dating apps. In my latest iteration, I think three things are working -

1. Realization that PMO was the root cause of some of my autogynephilia along with my sub-conscious assumption that I was beta when I was definitely alpha. It still comes sometimes, but I have started to move on.

2. Going to the gym has been a blessing. I am gaining more muscle, have lost fat (45 pounds) and have become more confident in my appearance.

3. Retraining my mind by actually trying to interact with girls has been great.

I am starting a new NoFap journey today.