Starting out - in need of support

Hi all. Feeling a lot of mixed emotions about being here and posting for the first time. Being a part of nofap and finally making a change in my behavior has been a very long time coming. I’ve struggled with compulsive sexual behaviors and maladaptive pornography use for most of my adult life. I’m nearly 28 and I simply can’t function with this much shame and self-hatred anymore. I’ve experienced much of what has been described on these forums: unsuccessful attempts to cut back masturbation and pornography, sexual dysfunction when with partners (i.e. PIED), reduced/lack of genital sensation, and, more recently, pain associated with excessive masturbation. In the past year, it seems as though these problems have become much more pronounced. I’m in a very demanding career and have been failing at adequately dealing with stress. I’ve often found myself turning to pornography and masturbation as one of the only ways I can get out of my head and my obsessive thoughts, if only briefly.

If I’m being honest, there’s a lot about pornography that I really like. I grew up in a very conservative religious family who demonized sexuality, and pornography has played a large role in being able to accept my identity as a sexual being and as bisexual. At the same time, I’ve also realized that pornography is often an inaccurate representation of real-world sexual relationships, and I’ve noticed the themes represented in pornography begin to influence my expectations and orientation toward others, particularly women. The times when I’ve viewed porn more intensely I’ve noticed myself viewing women as sexual props—things to be consumed—rather than as complex human beings, which I’ve found deeply unsettling. And, apart from the shame linked to the conservative and religious morals in which I was raised (which I’ve since rejected), I’ve found a tremendous amount of shame related to feeling sexually deficient in my relationships.

I need a change. A big one. I want control over my sexuality, to be able to enjoy sexuality to the fullest. I want to feel comfortable and confident in myself. Experiencing a full reset, and healing both physically and psychologically, seems like the only path forward. I’m committing to a full 90 day PMO reboot.

I’m still learning how this site works, but I know I’m going to need all the help I can get. I need people to help me keep myself accountable, and this seems like the place! Thank you for existing!

 

Thanks for your thoughtful response, traveler2. Wow, it sounds like you've had quite the journey to get here. Congrats on both being here and having such incredible courage to acknowledge and work on this after so many years of having difficulties. I think its inspiring that you've thought a lot about what went into your relapse and tried to learn from it. I think it's so easy to feel shitty and want to give up and go back to old habits, even if they lead to pain and dissatisfaction, simply because they are familiar and comfortable. I've been in that position many, many times, and I've tried to abstain for many of the reasons people on this site list (and which I referenced in my first post). I'm learning that although it feels nearly impossible to change this behavior on my own, having the support and encouragement of other like-minded people might very well be the most important and useful tool at our disposal. Good luck to you as well, and feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to support each other!